The Unfortunates

by Laurie Graham

  ‘I gave myself a talking to,’ he said.

  Mortie drove Alan and Maxine home. Sherman took us directly to see Honey.

  ‘She’s beside herself,’ he said. ‘She’s having tranquilizing pills, one three times a day, to be taken with food, but she’s still beside herself. It doesn’t matter what anybody says, she’s determined to blame herself.’

  Sapphy was meant to have been going to dinner. But when she didn’t show up Honey didn’t think too much of it. Sapphire was partial to the cocktail hour and sometimes it drifted on and she never got as far as dinner. Neither was she a person you’d call up with a little reminder, not unless you were willing to get your head bitten off. So some time passed before the neighbors complained that the television had been playing against their bedroom wall for two full days without a break and the police were sent for.

  Like her predecessor, for hired help Coretta II had a lot to say for herself.

  ‘Miss Honey brought very low by this,’ she said. ‘She bin passed the bitter cup, no mistake.’

  But I found my sister quite composed.

  ‘Poppy,’ she said. ‘I let you down.’

  ‘Mother!’ Sherman said. ‘No one let anyone down. Sapphire was a grown woman.’

  ‘No!’ she said. ‘I should never have handed her back. She was a darling happy child until she went to Europe and came back all crazy and mixed up. Poppy’s life was no life for a child.’

  Em said, ‘Well, hang on there, Aunt Honey. I turned out OK.’

  ‘That was sheer luck,’ Honey said. ‘Sapphy was never right from the day I let her go and now I’m judged. Do you think it’s just chance I was the one she went and died on? It isn’t. She paid me back.’

  Sherman said, ‘It was a simple case of erroneous self-medication. Pills and rye. It’s easily done.’

  Em said, ‘Did she leave a letter?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘No letter. Ask me, she just neglected to read the accompanying leaflet.’

  ‘Ask me,’ Murray said, ‘she just lost count.’

  ‘Well,’ Em said, ‘that’s something. I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to give her a proper burial.’

  We all looked at her.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ she said. ‘S-u-i-c-i-d-e.’

  ‘Don’t!’ Honey cried. ‘Oh please, don’t!’

  I said, ‘Was that what was bugging that husband of yours all the way back here? You’d have thought he was the one had lost a child.’

  ‘It’s a serious thing, Mom,’ she said. ‘A person’s soul isn’t theirs to extinguish. Mortie and I discussed this. But, anyway, there wasn’t a letter, so we’re in the clear.’

  I was thinking I would have liked a letter. I’d have liked something.

  Honey said, ‘It’s of no significance anyway, Emerald. West End Collegiate will be happy to have her. We’ll take her over to New Jersey and give her a good Christian burial.’

  Em said, ‘Are you crazy? We’re Jewish.’

  Sherman said, ‘I don’t see why you two are arguing over this. Aunt Poppy’s next of kin after all.’

  ‘On paper, perhaps,’ Honey spat out. ‘But I was the only real mother that child ever knew and I haven’t been Jewish in years.’

  I caught Murray trying to slip away.

  I said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’

  ‘To find a glass of milk,’ he said.

  I said, ‘Take me with you. I think I’m liable to faint.’

  He took my arm and we walked slowly to the Broadway Yum-Yum.

  I said, ‘I meant to be a better mother. I’d been thinking a great deal about her. Seeing Kneilthorpe again and Paris, she’d been on my mind and I’d decided I’d come back and be a better mother to her. She never forgave me over Gil, you know? She was always waiting for Gil Catchings to walk into her life and make up for lost time. And she never forgave me over that French boy. There’s truth in what Honey said. I could have given her up, let Honey raise her. Then none of this might have come to pass.’

  ‘I think,’ Murray said, ‘Sapphy was just Sapphy. She’d have ended up miscounting her pills whoever raised her.’

  I said, ‘I did love her.’

  ‘Of course you did,’ he said. ‘I loved her, too. But she was a pain in the neck. Never happier than when she was miserable. There was something at the heart of her … maybe it came from her father’s side. Do you know, I wrote her a page or two most weeks but I never heard back from her, not once in fifteen years. Do you want to go to the viewing chapel? I’ll go with you if you like.’

  I said, ‘Do I have to?’

  ‘It’s recommended,’ he said, ‘but not compulsory. Leave it another half hour and Em and Honey’ll have decided for you.’

  I said, ‘Do you think she should be buried Jewish or buried Church?’

  ‘Church,’ he said. ‘But that’s because I like the flowers. How was England?’

  ‘Pointless,’ I said. ‘Never go back.’

  He had a mustache of milk. Murray never did learn to drink tidily.

  I said, ‘Neville Merrick has a screw loose. They built houses over Kneilthorpe. Angelica’s old.’

  ‘We’re all old,’ he said. He drained his glass, started to make a move. ‘Better be getting back,’ he said, ‘unless we want a multiple funeral on our hands.’

  I said, ‘Angelica told me something. A person called Susie Manners saw you in England in 1947. Flicky Manners’ sister.’

  ‘Don’t remember,’ he said.

  I said, ‘You were in Epping Forest looking for someone. She was Red Cross and she told Angelica it definitely was you.’

  ‘Well, then,’ he said, ‘if Susie Manners said it I suppose it must be true.’

  He was quiet for a moment.

  ‘If I tell you something,’ he said eventually, ‘will you promise never to repeat it?’

  I promised.

  ‘And no questions. No coming back for more.’

  I promised again.

  ‘I had a friend,’ he said, ‘after I went away. I went to the Netherlands and I had a friend. We grew things. Scillas and hyacinths, dwarf tulips, paper narcissus, and then potatoes, after the war came. It was pretty quiet, considering. Just sky and good earth. It’s called the polder. We didn’t bother anyone and nobody bothered us. But you never know. You might think you have good neighbors, but … who’s to say what a person will do when it’s his door they’re knocking on? We were sent to a place called Vught. And then one day I had a choice, to go with my friend to Westerbork or stay where I was. I had a job at Vught, making soup. I had somebody watching out for me. People didn’t usually get choices in Vught, so I grabbed at mine with both hands. And my friend went to Westerbork without me. Did you ever hear of Westerbork? Nobody ever heard of Westerbork. They had a restaurant there and a hairdresser and a train that left every Tuesday at eleven. But, anyhow, I never got to see it for myself. I saved my own scrawny neck, Poppy, ducking and diving till the Canadians came and set us all free and then I went looking for my friend. Hoping for the chance to explain. Or something. There were a lot of places to look. I don’t remember any Susie Manners, but if she said she saw me, I’m sure she did. I just went looking in too many places to recall them all. And that’s that.’

  I said, ‘Where did the train go? Every Tuesday at eleven?’

  ‘No questions,’ he said. ‘You promised. We have to go, Pops. We have to go and arrange a burying.’

  SIXTY-ONE

  United in grief, Honey and Emerald reached an accommodation. Em and Mortie burned a shiva candle for Sapphire and made a donation in her memory to the United Jewish Appeal. A reverend minister of the Dutch Reform Church conducted her funeral service, and she was laid to rest in Flushing not so very far from her daddy Gilbert.

  I stayed away from the burying. It was more than I could bear. Honey and Murray kindly represented me at the graveside, and I was comforted to hear that Alan had been his own man. He had attended, bringing flowers for his Aunt Sapphy and weari
ng Grandpa Minkel’s old kippah. There had been pink roses, too, from Humpy Choate in London, England. Births, deaths, Humpy always sent roses.

  I said to Murray, ‘And now what will you do?’

  ‘Go back to Florida,’ he said. ‘And if you have any sense you’ll join me there.’

  I said, ‘And get pooped on by a giant bird and have to look at you with a milk mustache?’

  ‘Please yourself,’ he said.

  Which I tried to do, but there’s not much pleasure to be had once you’ve buried a child. I sold my galleries and tried to be kinder and more attentive to my kith and kin, though it wasn’t always appreciated. I visited with Honey every day after she became too obese to leave the house. It was by sitting reading the Riverside News to her I learned that one of the Misses Stone had attained her hundredth birthday. It was by watching television shows with her that I learned about women burning their brassieres and marching for rights and hanging on the words of a sour-faced woman called Lily Lelchuck.

  I said, ‘Do you know, I believe I may have met that person. She was an unfortunate. There was a whole tribe called Lelchucks down there.’

  ‘Vera has all her books,’ Honey said.

  Imagine. People like that writing books and getting onto television shows.

  I said, ‘What do these women want?’

  ‘Just … everything,’ Honey said. ‘How fortunate we’ve been, Poppy. We never had to burn our bust bodices and we’ve had absolutely everything.’

  I said, ‘Well, I know I’ve had everything, but I wouldn’t have said it was true in your case.’

  ‘Oh yes, I have!’ she said. ‘I’ve had everything, with extra whipped cream and chopped nuts.’

  But Vera hadn’t had everything. She left Sherman Ulysses and went looking for whatever it was she’d missed. According to Lily Lelchuck marriage was nothing but codified rape and oppression, although I found it hard to look at my nephew and believe him capable of either of those things. I would have left him because of the way he always looked in his handkerchief after he blew his nose. The only thing I can say in Vera’s defense is, she waited until after Honey had passed over.

  There was standing room only in the West End Collegiate for Honey’s obsequies.

  I said to Emerald, ‘I hope you won’t be cutting your aunt’s funeral just because she’s resting in the arms of Jesus.’

  ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘I’m not an unreasonable person. Of course I’ll attend. I’ll just close my eyes and daven in my own way. Alan, by the way, is seeing the Strauss girl.’

  Then, just when Honey’s place was almost cleared and ready to be closed up, Vera left Sherman. I suggested he might like to take Coretta II, but he wouldn’t have her. He said he had his Boy Scout Campfire Cookbook. So Coretta II had to be let go. As far as I know she went to California to seek her fortune.

  With Honey gone I felt myself move up a place in line.

  I said to Em, ‘You realize I’ll be next.’

  She said, ‘Not if Mortie doesn’t ease up, you won’t. Sunday he was there till midnight doing inventory.’

  I said, ‘No. My time’s coming. I can see it when I look in the mirror.’

  ‘Sounds like you’re due a trip to the beauty doctor,’ she said. But I had lost the inclination for all that.

  I said, ‘I’ll go if I can take Maxine. If she doesn’t get her nose done soon it’ll be too late.’

  Of course, a person called Barbra Streisand had made Maxine’s type of nose fashionable.

  I said, ‘Let me treat you. Just get the bump smoothed out. Call it a little vacation.’

  ‘No thanks, Grandma,’ she said. ‘But when I get my driver’s license, let’s go and see your mustard factories. Let’s go and see where we came from.’

  That child has a pretty good sense of humor for which I believe she has me to thank. Nothing to do with the Boons, that’s for sure.

  SIXTY-TWO

  We did take a trip, as soon as she finished Senior High, to Blue Grass, Iowa, where we failed to find any installations bearing the name Minkel, but a man in a diner lectured us at length on the importance of Grade I Yellow mustard flour in barbecue relish, all the while perusing down the front of my granddaughter’s décolleté.

  I said, ‘You had better get dressed. This is rough territory.’

  ‘What I don’t understand, Grandma,’ she said, ‘is how come you still get money when you don’t have the factories anymore?’

  It was a mystery to me, too, but I believe it had something to do with diversification and wise investment by my Uncle Israel. Everything else I left to Mr Brooks at the bank.

  In Duluth, Minnesota, the only place we could find carrying the name of Minkel was an apparel store for men who fish and trap.

  I said, ‘I’m a descendant of Jesse Minkel. Is he anything to do with this outfit?’

  The man said, ‘No. And we don’t give credit neither.’

  I was about to explain how many times over I could buy and sell his miserable establishment when Maxine jumped in and told him she was writing up a college paper on her Minkel forebears.

  She said, ‘There was a Meyer Minkel. And an Addie Minkel. Did you ever hear of them?’

  ‘Addie Minkel!’ he said. ‘Mad Addie! You only just missed her.’

  I said, ‘Which way?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘She went to her rest. Last year. Maybe two years. Mad Addie. She was as wide as she stood high.’

  Maxine said, ‘Maybe there’s family. Can we look in your phone book?’

  ‘Addie didn’t have family,’ he said. ‘She was the end of the line. They say she had medals, from French France. I don’t know. She always looked an unnatural type of woman to me.’

  ‘Grandma,’ Maxine said, as we were leaving the wader store, ‘it seems to me the Minkels have died out.’

  The man called us back. ‘There was talk,’ he said, ‘of naming a scenic picnic area after her, but nothing ever came of it.’

  I said, ‘Let this be a lesson to you, Maxine. In life you have to look ahead not behind.’

  In 1976 Mortie and Em celebrated their thirtieth anniversary in the ballroom at Union Temple, and less than a year later we were back there eating an identical buffet for Alan’s marriage to Ruthie Strauss.

  I said, ‘Shall I buy you an apartment?’

  ‘No thank you,’ he said. ‘A washer-dryer would be good though. As long as you promise not to wheel it into the temple.’

  Angelica and Edgar sent a gift certificate from Harrods department store.

  ‘You’ll be able to choose something if ever you’re in London,’ Angelica wrote.

  I said to Em, ‘A gift certificate! How long is that good for? Those things expire, you know?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘It’s the thought that counts.’

  That’s another adage I have never understood.

  Ruthie was a cute kid. She had pretty hair, curly without being troublesome. The only thing about her was, she was so Jewish. She wouldn’t even serve Boston Crème Pie after a roast chicken.

  Em said, ‘That girl will run herself into the ground.’

  Ruthie had a position teaching kindergarten as well as keeping kosher at home and taking a turn once a week at a night shelter for unfortunates. That was the way things were since Lily Lelchuck’s books were all the rage. Before a person decides she wants everything I’d recommend her to find out just how big this ‘everything’ is.

  I had moved to a smaller apartment after I had had three robberies and claudication of the arteries, but I never settled. Smaller didn’t suit me, somehow.

  Then Sherman announced he was taking early retirement from the bank.

  I said, ‘Is it that time already?’

  ‘Not quite,’ he said, ‘but I’m ready. I’m tired of this city. Tired of looking over my shoulder all the time and getting grit in my eyes and hearing the F word. I’m taking a leaf out of Murray’s book. Going to Florida.’

  I said, ‘I see.’<
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  ‘Now what?’ he said. ‘You look like you lost a dollar and found a dime.’

  It was just that I had always been given to understand that I had first refusal on Murray’s spare room.

  I said, ‘I didn’t think you two got along so well.’

  ‘We don’t need to,’ he said. ‘I’m not moving in. I may drive over once in a while. Play checkers. No, I’m going to the Pelican Bay Retirement Home. You get assisted living and amenities.’

  I said, ‘What amenities?’

  ‘Shuffleboard,’ he said. ‘And round the clock medical attendance. Why don’t you come with me?’

  I said, ‘Shuffleboard? I used to fly my own plane to the Bois de Vincennes.’

  Besides, I had to stay in New York and comfort Emerald while Mortie had coronary bypass surgery. Then Ruthie and Alan presented me with my first great-grandchild.

  I said, ‘Flower names are coming back into vogue.’

  We got a boy though, as things turned out, and they named him Abraham. Abraham Strauss Boon. He arrived at five o’clock in the morning and Alan was so excited he phoned me there and then.

  ‘I saw him born, Grandma,’ he said. ‘I took pictures and everything.’

  I said, ‘I’ll pass on those.’

  I was thrilled, though. It was still dark outside but I called Murray right away and roused him out of his haiku retirement. Here is what he wrote.

  GREAT GREAT NEPHEW

  Welcome Baby Abe

  Abhorrible Dorabel is

  Happy now. Maybe.

  We talked on the phone once a week, unless something came up.

  He said, ‘You called me yesterday. Are you getting forgetful?’

  I said, ‘My mind is razor sharp. But it occurred to me to ask you something. Angelica Bagehot once told me you adored me. Is that true?’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll move to Florida?’ he said.

  That was Murray. Always answers a question with another question. Well, two can play that game.

  I said, ‘Did you get diapers yet for the parakeet?’

  ‘Parrot,’ he said. ‘No. When I start wearing them she’ll start wearing them. That’s the deal.’