by Brooks, Abby
Ellie leaned back in her beach chair and dug her toes into the sand. The sun sank low, dipping towards the horizon line, and sent a spray of glitter across the waves that broke out beyond the shore. James was at The Pit tonight, sparring with Ethan and Oliver. Ellie had plans to go, but didn’t feel so great and begged off. She’d been looking forward to going. James had hired a trainer for her, a woman who knew just how to help Ellie feel less awkward about being aggressive. Plus, as crazy as it was, she kind of liked watching James fight.
He turned into an absolute predator. His body strong. His eyes hungry. And he moved so fast. He struck like lightening, in and out before anyone had a chance to understand what they saw, and then boom! His opponent was down. It made her proud to be his, and sad to remember she really wasn’t his all at the same time.
And that just brought up a huge mess of conflicting emotions, because after a couple weeks living with James, working with him and his family rebuilding Good Beginnings, Ellie was afraid she was actually falling in love with him. And to make matters worse, her period was Officially Late. She had made it to the doctor the Monday after that appalling lie had slithered out of her mouth and got some samples of the pill. Started taking them the very next day. She was only a few days late, and maybe it was psychosomatic. Maybe it was because of the pills themselves. She was supposed to wait and take them the first day of her period, but she hadn’t. So maybe that had messed things up.
She hoped.
Because if that wasn’t it, then it was her who had messed things up.
Anxiety churned in her stomach. Sitting out here in the setting sun, watching the ocean waves break on the beach, feeling the wind dance in her hair, that was supposed to calm her. The whole reason she drug the chair out to the sand in the first place was to get some fresh air. To stare out at the ocean and feel small for a while so that maybe she could get some perspective on her own troubles. It wasn’t working. Her thoughts were poisonous and full of thorns. Even if there was one tiny part of her that thrilled at the thought of having a baby. Not just any baby. James’s baby.
She found herself smiling, just this tiny little private smile. And then she remembered that she was broke. That she could barely support herself. That she wasn’t married. And hell! She wasn’t even really dating the guy who might be a father. A guy who wasn’t emotionally strong enough for her to drop a bombshell like this in her lap.
And so the smile dissipated and Ellie sat in her chair, chewing her lip, worrying the edges of her shirt. If she kept going like this, she would make herself sick. She needed to talk to someone, to get all this out of her head. Without giving herself much time to think, she called Tessa.
Tessa answered after the third ring. “Hey lovely lady!” She sounded out of breath.
“Hey yourself. What’re you doing?”
“Just scurrying around, trying not to be late to work. What about you?”
Ellie’s heart sunk. Of course, now was not the time to try and put all of this stuff on Tessa’s shoulders. “Oh, nothing. Just checking up on you.” Ellie tried to smile as she spoke because there was no better way to hide what you were feeling than behind a smile. But her jaw just got tight and her voice broke and for what might be the first time in her life, Ellie couldn’t get the mask down in time.
“That’s not true. I can hear it in your voice. What’s wrong?”
Ellie wanted to contradict Tessa, tell her everything was fine and just carry the burden of her worries herself, but she opened her mouth and the truth fell out. “I think I really messed up big time.”
“Oh, no. You fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
“No.” Ellie held her phone with her shoulder and flared her hands. “I mean yes. But that’s not the problem.” She hated the way her voice was getting all quaky and quavery. She was the queen of holding back tears. Why she couldn’t get them pushed back into place now eluded her.
“What happened?” Tessa asked, sounding concerned.
“I think I’m pregnant.” Ellie filled her in on the whole story. The lie she told. The emergency trip to the gynecologist. Her sore breasts and late period.
“You haven’t told him?”
“No.” Ellie fought back a sob. “How could I? I mean, I know I have to, but everything’s so amazing right now. I’m living in his house. He and his family are helping me rebuild my cafe; they’re pouring money into it like it’s theirs. Or, rather, like I’m theirs. Like I’m one of them. And I’m not.”
“Ellie…”
“And you know what makes it worse? I’m in love with him. Like full on, head over heels, totally madly deeply in love. He’s everything I’ve ever needed. He’s strong enough to support me emotionally. Here I am, supposed to be helping him heal after the love of his life shattered his heart and he’s the one helping me heal. Talking to me about my foster parents. Helping me feel valuable. Needed. And what do I do to repay it? I lie to him. About something that will just fuck up his whole life.”
“Ellie…”
“And to make it all worse. I want this. I want him. I want to have his baby. I want to be part of his family. I want to feel protected and I want to make him feel cherished and right now, in this very instant, I have it all. I have what I want. But it’s all an illusion. The moment I tell him, it’ll all blow away. Or, I don’t tell him and just wait until after Ian’s wedding. Either way, this moment where I have it all? It’s a house of cards.”
“Ellie! Will you shut the fuck up?”
Ellie blinked and fell silent.
“First things first. You have to tell him. You can’t hide this from him and the longer you do, the harder you're gonna make things. In fact, the longer you keep this from him, the less chance you have of keeping the relationship alive.”
“But—”
“Don’t talk. Let me finish. It’s clear that James cares about you, too. He moved you into his house, for God’s sake. He’s rebuilding your cafe, and sweetie? I’ve been in there. He’s not sparing time or expense, is he?” Tessa waited for the smallest noise of affirmation from Ellie before continuing. “You can kid yourself all you want and say that he’s doing this to make your fake relationship seem real, but you know and I know that he’s going way beyond the call of duty here.”
Ellie swallowed hard. Tessa was right. And on some level, Ellie had known it all along. “What do I do?” she asked.
“You’ve got to tell him.”
“But what if I’m not actually pregnant?”
“Well, hell, Ellie! Of course you should find out first. But that’s not hard. A quick trip to the drugstore and then pee on a stick and you’ll know. This isn’t rocket science.”
Ellie laughed, a tight, self-deprecating sound. “No. It’s harder.”
“You’re probably right about that.”
Ellie heard the jingle of keys and the closing of a door through the phone. “Are you leaving? I should let you go. I’m sorry to bother you with all this silliness.”
“Nonsense. First, it’s not silliness and I keep telling you that’s what I’m here for. Friends help with the hard stuff, you know. And second, I want to talk about happier things. Keep me company on my way to work and tell me all the good stuff that’s happened to you.”
Ellie sighed. “I feel like my life is a fairy tale.”
“It is, though. You’re Cinderella! Living in your beach house with your rich prince after scraping away in that tiny hovel of an apartment.”
“Right, but Cinderella got the prince in the end. She didn’t get pregnant and ruin everything.”
Ellie heard the slam of a car door and the roar of Tessa’s engine. “Nope. Stop right there. I don’t want to hear about the worry and the bad stuff. We’ve already covered that. You know what to do. We’ll deal with what to do next after you’ve taken your test. For now, tell me what’s good.”
Ellie talked about how every day they showed up to work on the renovations for Good Beginnings and found another resident of Bliss waiting with
a donation or an offer of help. She talked about how Juliet and Ian basically gutted the place and were rebuilding it from the inside out. How Harry had donated kitchen items and his expertise and advice on how to improve her layout. How Lilah had designed the color palette to be more welcoming. How she and James had spent days side by side rebuilding the place together.
Ellie talked about how he seemed to see inside her, to understand all that was broken, all the mistrust she had built up over the years. How he didn’t try to fix it, he just made it all seem better by being around. How James himself was some sort of medicine.
“And I just love feeling like I’m part of his family. It’s something I never had…”
“I know. I’m really happy for you. This is everything you ever needed.”
“But it’s slipping through my hands.”
“Shush. Don’t focus on that. Stay positive. What else? What else is good?”
Ellie thought hard. “Juliet and Ian are having a Halloween party. Costumes and everything. Kind of a late engagement party kind of thing. James wants to go as the Hulk, but I have no idea what I should be.”
“You guys should totally go as the Terminator and Sarah Connor.”
A couple’s costume. Ellie loved the idea and hated that she loved the idea all at the same time. She ached at the thought she and James weren’t really a couple. At the thought that she was busy fooling herself into believing he cared for her. She knew Tessa was trying to help her ignore that ache, to help her focus on where she was instead of where she was afraid she would end up, but Ellie couldn’t ignore the facts. Couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling in her gut that she finally had everything she’d ever wanted and was just about to lose it.
Tessa was right. She needed to stop worrying and start doing. She needed to get off her ass and find out if she was really pregnant. She couldn’t know how to move forward until she knew what moving forward looked like. Was she trying to figure out how to tell James she loved him and didn’t want things to end after Ian’s wedding? Or was she trying to figure out how to tell James all of that with the added confusion of adding a baby into the mix.
Dear God. How had she let things get so far out of hand?
“When’s the party?” Tessa interrupted her thoughts and Ellie wondered how long she’d sat silent on the phone.
“This weekend. Saturday night.”
“So that gives you what? Three days to get the costumes together?”
And three days to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
“Yep. That’ll be more than enough time, don’t you think?”
“For sure, especially if you go the Terminator and Sarah Connor route. Those costumes should be easy.”
“No doubt.” Ellie got the smile back into her voice even though her mind was churning through worries and plans and what if’s.
“You feeling better?” Tessa asked. “You sound like you’re feeling better.”
“So much better. Thank you.”
Tessa said her goodbyes and made Ellie promise to call her the moment she knew anything. Ellie promised and hung up. She did feel better, though not because she was relieved. She felt better because she had a plan, or at least the very beginnings of a plan.
First things first, she would stop worrying and start doing. She gathered her chair and her phone and trekked back into the house. Grabbed her purse and drove to the pharmacy. Then drove to a gas station and sat in the car while she tried to build up her confidence to go inside.
It would be better to know. Better to take action. But she couldn’t help but feel, as she walked through the empty convenience store and locked herself into the bathroom, that she was opening a window and unleashing the wind on her house of cards.
26
Ellie made the most adorable Sarah Connor of all time. The time at the gym had given her arms just enough definition to really pull off the black tank top and her ass looked amazing in the black cargo pants. She had taken hours to straighten her hair and pull it back into a ponytail. Add a tactical belt, some toy guns strapped to her waist and back, and a pair of aviators, and she looked smokin’ hot.
“I feel kind of ridiculous trying to pull off Schwarzenegger.” James tugged at the black leather jacket and itched at the prosthetic makeup they had used to make half his face look like a robot. “I’m not big enough.”
Ellie smiled, but her eyes were far away. “You look amazing. Way better than Schwarzenegger ever did.”
“Now I know you’re lying.”
He waited for her to take the bait. To hit him back with some flash of honesty or wit, but Ellie just smiled again. Her eyes searched his for a minute and he could swear she was on the verge of saying something. Instead, she just smiled weakly and turned away.
“What time does the party start?”
James wanted to ask her what was wrong. Wanted to push her to open up and let him in, but he knew how hard it was for her to do that. That it took monumental effort for her to let herself be vulnerable. He was afraid that if he pushed her, she would spook. And he really didn’t want to spook her. He had been thinking more and more about asking her to forget the whole fake relationship thing. There was nothing fake about what was between them. He just needed to find the right time to bring it up and given how distant she had been the last few days, it just kept feeling like not the right time.
“We should probably leave. I’m sure people are already showing up. I just want to make a flashy entrance. Show you off.” He pulled her in for a kiss, the sweet scent of her hair products and perfume wrapping around him and making him want to pull her in closer. She kissed him back, fervently, eager and hungry and needy. Her hands roved his body and she melted against him.
When he looked in her eyes, he saw what he wanted to see. She loved him. Or she was on the verge of loving him. But, there was fear there, too. He didn’t want her to be afraid. Whatever it was she was dealing with, he needed her to know he would help her. He would be there for her. He needed her to know she wasn’t alone anymore and if he had his way, she would never go back to living on not quite enough. Never go back to scraping to keep the lights on. Never go back to being afraid to let people into her heart.
Ellie had been everything he needed. After the shock of discovering Erin’s betrayals, Ellie’s honesty had been such a shot in arm. A breath of fresh air. He trusted her. And that felt damn good.
“Wanna take the bike?” she asked as they stepped outside into the balmy October evening.
“We could,” James said and shrugged. “But it might be chilly on the return trip. Plus, you’re packing a lot of heat.” James gestured to the toy pistols on her belt and the plastic AR-15 on her back. “We might give some people more than a little scare.”
After some discussion, they decided to drive Ellie’s car. Ever since she had moved in, it had done way more sitting in the driveway than was healthy for the battery. Ellie even drove, which was a huge change of pace for James. Not that he minded. Not at all. But Erin had always handed him the keys when they took her car. Everything about Ellie was different than Erin.
Better than Erin.
He couldn’t wait to show her off at the party. Couldn’t wait for people to see them together. To dance with her. To keep his hand on her back. To watch her talk to his family, that satisfied little smile of hers softening her face.
He’d fallen hard. Very hard. And now that he was done fighting it, he was ready to embrace it. Ready to show her what it really meant to have a Moore in her corner. He wanted to protect her and love her and keep her safe. He wanted to hold her up and support her. Encourage her and sustain her. Help her grow and hold her close and learn all there was to know about her while sharing all there was about himself with her.
He guided Ellie through the streets of Bliss to Ian’s home on some secluded stretch of beach. The driveway was already full, so Ellie found a place on the road and whistled as they walked towards the house. “You Moores sure know how to do the whole understated elega
nce thing.”
James shrugged off the compliment and led her past the rows of cars in the driveway and up into his brother’s house. The sky was darkening early, an angry mass of clouds boiling over the ocean. “Looks like it was an extra good idea not to take the bike tonight,” he said, pointing to the incoming storm. “It would have been an awfully wet ride home.”
“Looks like a bad one.” Ellie stared at the horizon and took a deep breath. The look in her eyes was lost. Distant.
What was wrong with her? Why wouldn’t she talk to him? Why was she pulling away? It made him want to chase her, to confront her, to tell her he loved her and beg her not to leave. But again, he knew she needed her space. Time to process.
Unless…
Was she worrying about the approaching deadline to their relationship? Was she unaware that he had fallen for her and was trying to rebuild the walls around her heart? If that were the case, then he needed to clear the air. He needed to find a quiet place to talk to her, to get her to talk to him, to tell her he wanted her. They pushed through the front door into a cacophony of voices and music and laughter and the tinkling sound of ice in glasses.
“Happy Halloween!” Ian and Juliet materialized out of nowhere, Ian wearing his Navy dress whites and Juliet wearing a white button down and a bomber jacket.
“Let me guess,” James said. “Maverick and Charlie from Top Gun.”
Juliet clung to Ian’s arm and smiled up at him. “Take me home or lose me forever,” she said and then wrinkled her nose.
“Two things,” said Ian. “First, we are home. And second, that’s what Meg Ryan said to Goose. You are not Goose’s wife.”
“Nope. I’m your wife.” Juliet blushed. “Or I will be before too long.”
Ian leveled a finger at his fiancée. “Not if you keep mangling Top Gun quotes, you won’t.”
James wrapped an arm around Ellie and pulled her close. He hadn’t believed in love. He’d thought Ian was so foolish for moving so quickly with Juliet. But, after meeting Ellie, after living with her and realizing just how differently he felt about her versus the way he felt about Erin, he felt the urge to apologize to Ian for judging him. True love, when you found it, it knocked you off your feet and redefined you. There was no questioning it. No denying. It was a force of nature and to fight it was to fight destiny. Or something like that.
