Love and History

by Cheryl Dragon

  “I’ll bet you’re leading things.” Scott smiled.

  “Well, people need a little encouragement.” Nelson went one way down the hall, and Scott headed for the English Department.

  A few moments later, he knocked on her door and waited for her response. Entering, he locked the door behind him. She looked so good he almost forgot what he was there for. A loosely knit purple sweater over a white blouse showed off her features well. Her hair was pulled up, and his hands itched to take it down.

  “Good morning,” she said.

  “I’m sorry that I’ve been neglecting you.”

  She shook her head. “No, I had to grade papers all weekend. I’d let some things slide because of my paper. It’s not like we’re dating.”

  The gloves were off!

  “I was going to invite you out to dinner tonight.”

  “With no notice? Sorry, I have plans with friends.”

  She was just being difficult. “It wasn’t in your schedule.”

  “You get the BSDM fetish group notices. It’s the monthly pizza meet up. I have friends there, and I’m not going to stand them up. You don’t dictate my life outside of bed.”

  “I understand that. We’ve never discussed things beyond the kink. I didn’t realize you went every month. Why don’t you come by after the pizza dinner, and we’ll talk?” he suggested.

  “I doubt we’d be talking at ten at night. Why don’t we have dinner at your place tomorrow night and talk it out?” Her blue eyes seemed icy today.

  He couldn’t leave their discussion until tomorrow. “If this isn’t working for you, tell me now.”

  She folded her arms and leaned back, rocking in her office chair. “The sex works. But I’ve shared stuff about myself, and you never tell me anything. There’s a little talk about history or your work but not a word about you, your family or your past.”

  “Does it matter?” he asked.

  “If you don’t want a girlfriend, tell me now so I can consider whether or not this is right for me,” she replied.

  It was his chance. The out option he’d secretly hoped to have if things didn’t work. He could tell her this would only be a sexual relationship and a friendship. Still, he’d loved watching TV with her and had actually finished that damned book. The movie had annoyed him, but he’d made it through that, too.

  “I think we both need to think about what we want and need from this then talk tomorrow.” He nodded. “Six work for you?”

  “Fine. See you then.” She opened her laptop and dismissed him with her eyes.

  * * * *

  Bridget hadn’t lied to Scott, but when the time came, she couldn’t face her BSDM fetish group friends tonight. She emailed them and claimed tenure issues. Really, she just couldn’t go. Before, she’d been hoping to share the news that she’d found the right Dom. Maybe even drag him along.

  She always got too eager, and when things went south, it frustrated her. This time it hurt worse, and nothing was decided yet. Before Scott, she’d been so down and negative about finding a Dom. Now, this felt real. She hadn’t expected it, and he shocked her. At the moment, she wanted to pretend it never happened and go back.

  That wasn’t really true. She wanted Scott to love her. To be a boyfriend and a Dom. That just didn’t seem to be the direction he was headed.

  In need of a reality check, she’d called her best friend of dinner. No BSDM fetish talk tonight, but last week, she’d admitted to Colleen that Bridget was sort of dating Scott.

  Colleen sat across the table at their favorite Mexican restaurant. “What’s wrong? I thought you and Dr. Dull were having a good time?”

  “I wish I’d never told you anything.” Bridget sipped a frozen margarita.

  “Come on. I’m your best friend. He’s attractive. Good potential. What happened?” she asked.

  Stabbing the slush in her drink, Bridget tried to boil it down without sharing the kinky secrets. “I’m not sure he’s looking for a serious relationship.”

  “Him, a player? I don’t think so. He’s nothing but serious. So he asked you out and started seeing you for sex only? Oh Bridget, dump him.”

  “It’s more complicated. We get along. I’ve shared stuff about my family and growing up, but he doesn’t say a peep. Like he was hatched from a pod or something. I’ve been to his apartment. I didn’t see pictures of anyone. Parents, siblings, nieces or nephews. Nothing.”

  Their food arrived and both ladies kept quiet. Once the server was gone, Colleen shook her head. “Don’t sweat the pictures. He’s a single man. They’re not good at pictures unless someone gives it to them in a frame already. I’m sorry to tell you this, sweetie, but he sounds like a normal man so far—which is what you want. At least, you didn’t find out he’s gay, and you’re just some cover story. Men usually love to hear themselves talk but only about what they want to share. You’ve got to drag that other stuff out of them.”

  “I’m not pushy that way.” Bridget took out her frustration on her food.

  Colleen pointed her fork at Bridget. “You’re great at small talk. You can charm anyone at those fundraisers and mixers for the college.”

  “That’s different.” Demanding stuff from her Dom felt wrong even if it was information she’d be entitled to if she were his girlfriend. Her limits in bed were clear, but Colleen was right. Most men loved to talk about themselves and what they wanted. This guy only wanted to play, but they understood each other. No relationship had ever moved this fast in bed or in her heart.

  “If he doesn’t want you or a relationship, you deserve to know. You’re not afraid to be alone. Don’t be afraid to walk away because you’ve got a guy you like. If he doesn’t want you for you, you’ll be sorry in the end.”

  Bridget chuckled. “You need to stop watching so much Dr. Phil.”

  “I’m right,” Colleen said.

  “I know, but it’s like there’s a wall. He wants me around but doesn’t want to share that much yet. It all happened so fast!”

  “True, but when it’s right, you know. If you know how you feel, for sure, tell him.”

  “Scare him away fast?” Bridget laughed.

  “Scare him! Make him face stuff or lose you. Play on those ancient hunter instincts in men. They love to claim and conquer. That’s what sports is all about—or war. He’s into war, and if he’s smart, he’ll negotiate a treaty before you blitz him. He strikes me as the blunt type. Who won the war and who lost? I’ve heard he doesn’t give pluses or minuses. A grade is a grade.”

  “A lot of professors do that.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure he’s even interested in me. Whenever I tried to talk about my paper for publication, he changed the subject. I don’t want to look weak.”

  “You’re not weak. You’re not going to stand by and let him do things his way and string you along. Relationships take compromise. He has to negotiate, or you walk away from the table. Nudge him and see.” Colleen smiled. “I bet he caves, but make sure there’s nothing bad in his history before you get too serious. No jail time or anything. You never know these days.”

  “He’s harmless, Colleen. Maybe something bad happened when he was a kid that made him afraid of a relationship?” Bridget hadn’t thought about that, and she should have. Her appetite returned, and she dug into her food. “Thanks. I needed this.”

  “Now about your tenure. Word is good right now!”

  Bridget’s mood picked up. She couldn’t change Scott’s history or what he might say, but she could give him her heart and safe space to share. If he refused, that was a problem.

  Chapter Six

  Honesty. Scott could do that. He simply didn’t know how to explain what he felt. She’d be there any moment and having the dinner at his place was a calculated move by her. At first, he relished the home court advantage, but she’d made him cook for her.

  Not one to take the easy way out, he’d avoided takeout and made pasta instead. As the oven dinged, so did the doorbell. He turned off the heat and headed for th
e door. Letting Bridget in, he saw her friendly yet determined expression.

  “You look very nice,” he said.

  She lifted an eyebrow and walked inside. “Thank you. Are you feeling more talkative today?”

  He took her coat and noticed her black slacks. Was that a power move or just because there was some snow on the ground with a prediction for another six inches overnight?

  The message was clear. The ball was in her court. She hadn’t dressed for him.

  “Would you like something to drink?” he offered.

  “Not right now.” She sat at the table, and her expression was impossible to read. For a moment, he understood what his subs had felt. He had no clue what was coming.

  Mulling things over last night had made him vulnerable. He tried to stay on a task. “Dinner is ready.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry. We should talk first. I thought we were getting along well. It seems we’re compatible in the bedroom. If there’s something you need to tell me about your past, just put it out there. If something happened to you, please tell me.”

  What she was worried about clicked in his head. “Nothing happened to me. I didn’t ask about your past because I was abused,” he said.

  “Good. I’m glad. So why is there a huge wall whenever I try to treat you like a boyfriend? We can be Dom/sub or friends watching TV and having dinner, but I want everything merged. A relationship.”

  He sat across from her and deflected. “You don’t think we’re moving too fast?”

  “Oh please, that’s not going to work. We’ve known each other too long. We’ve done too much. I’m not proposing marriage or even moving in together this second, but wanting to be treated like your girlfriend isn’t too much to ask. I told Colleen we were dating, and she barely believed me.”

  “You told someone?” He pushed his fear back down.

  “Nelson knows what we’re doing. If you’re ashamed of me, it’s over.” She stood up.

  “No, it’s not you! I didn’t come into this looking for a relationship.” He couldn’t let her leave. Not when he could make her happy.

  “You should’ve told me that from the start. What’s so awful about dating me?” she asked.

  “Nelson is the one who brought it up. He made his opinion clear and said if I didn’t jump at the chance, he would.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Like I’d date Nelson.”

  Scott chuckled, loving her honesty. “I know, he’s not your type. He planned to offer to be your Dom until the right one showed up, to give you what you needed to prove to you there are Doms like us in the world. He’s all over your blog.”

  “I know. Still, why say yes if you didn’t want more than a sexual arrangement?”

  “I haven’t had a relationship in a long time. I began doubting love years ago and lost my faith in ever finding it. You believe it exists. You have a normal family that’s happy.”

  She frowned. “I don’t think anyone is normal. My parents are still married and seem happy. Every relationship has problems and quirks.”

  Time to come clean.

  He reached out and took her hand. “My parents split when I was eight. Common enough… They’d gotten married young, and both dated a lot after they divorced. They never spoke a word to each other after they broke up.”

  “I’m sorry.” She sat on his lap.

  Scott inhaled her scent and relaxed. Damn it! She was his relaxation and home. “It’s nothing that doesn’t happen to thousands of kids. I’m an only child so I was alone in all of that. I had their full attention and pressure. College professor wasn’t what they had in mind.”

  “Tough on them. You belong here.” She hugged him. “Where are your parents now?”

  He held her. “My mom is on her fourth husband after my dad so technically number five. Dad just dates, and they’re so young. Hell, his last girlfriend was younger than you.”

  “I promise I’d never trade you for anyone, especially him.” She kissed his forehead.

  “Relationships don’t work. All my aunts are divorced. Maybe that’s where I got my Dom side? Being an only child dealing with mom’s boyfriends and dad’s girlfriends and a very adult world. I wanted control and someone who wouldn’t leave me. I was never a kid like other kids.”

  “That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be a great boyfriend. We can work. I’m not going to leave you because your parents are crazy or you make a mistake. Maybe that’s why you’re a little scared?” she asked.

  “Scared?” His defensives flew up, but her soft form pressed to him and held it back.

  “If you didn’t want me here, I wouldn’t be here. You know I want a relationship. You’re a man of detail, and you’ve read my blog. I made it clear I wasn’t looking for a fuck-buddy Dom. You want to work it out. I feel like there’s something more you’re holding back.” Tension seemed to leave him as her delicate fingers rubbed his neck.

  “You’re right. This is a lot to share for me. Why don’t we break for dinner and talk about your paper? Have you heard anything yet?” He smiled.

  She kissed him, and he knew he was forgiven for holding back that information. It wasn’t all over yet. He wanted to ease her into his imperfections.

  The stress in him hurt her. Bridget ran her hands over his shoulders to help until he stood and set her on her feet. “I’ll get dinner. Pasta.”

  “Good, I’m starving. Why are you asking about my paper now?” She grabbed a diet soda from his fridge and a couple bottles of water.

  “I know it’s early. Have you heard anything?” he asked.

  She was sorry about his parents, and it explained why he’d be afraid of something serious. Still, he was tense, and she hadn’t pushed him for anything beyond girlfriend status. Just like a frustrated student who couldn’t crack old languages, she backed off a little.

  “Actually, I did hear back. They’re publishing it!” She hadn’t even told Colleen. Somehow, it seemed right for him to know first.

  “You’re kidding? That fast? They must want you.” He carried a steaming dish to the table.

  Spying the garlic bread cut up on a plate, she brought it along. “I don’t know about that, but they have published my others so it’s a good track record.”

  “It’ll look good for tenure!” He handed her the spoon.

  She set down the bread and dished out pasta. “It won’t hurt. You never wanted to talk about this before.”

  “Not true. I wanted to talk about your tenure. I had to read the book first. Now I can make any sense of your paper.” He spooned out his own helping of pasta.

  She paused as she was halfway to her chair. His confession hit her heart. “You read the book? You didn’t need to read it. I’d have given you the gist.”

  He smiled. “I’m perfectly capable of reading it and talking about it intelligently. I didn’t want you to know I hadn’t.”

  “Scott, you were making an effort. Now, you’ll have to wait to read the article when it’s in print.” Part of her felt bad making him cook on top of the new information, but she dug in and realized his jarred sauce wasn’t so terribly impressive. She’d cook from now on.

  “I’m not a jerk.” He shrugged.

  “I know. Thank you for making me dinner. How about a little pop quiz. Who was the funeral for?”

  “You’re such a teacher. Hero.” He relaxed and ate.

  “Correct. Who did Hero marry at the end?” Excitement bubbled in her that he did make that effort, at least to watch the movie. There was hope for them.

  “Claudio. Don’t ask me to recite anything. I hate the old language. It’s like a foreign language.”

  “You’re not the only one. I hear that plenty. Thank you,” she said.

  He set down his fork. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  That was a confession of feelings for him, and she heard it her way. “I love you, too. You won’t lose me if you trust me and just tell me the truth. I don’t want a Dom for a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend who I can figh
t with and share with and who is a Dom in the bedroom. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be. Neither of us needs to be anything but who we are.”

  He nodded, but she worried she’d freaked him out.

  “I know you’re right.” He looked her in the eyes. “I’ve had a relationship with a sub before but…”

  “But? Don’t tell me I’ve got competition?” That hadn’t occurred to her, but it made her want to win him all the more.

  “No. Definitely not. I was young. I’d just started at a club to learn the right way to dominate. Clubs do have their uses for new people to learn the ropes and especially for Doms to learn from more experienced Masters. I met a young woman, and I thought it was right.” He focused on his food.

  Bridget wasn’t sure where this was going but wanted to reassure him. “You’re an amazing Dom. We all make mistakes when we’re learning. That time my skin was broken, I couldn’t hold still. I thought I could keep in position, but I should’ve been restrained.”

  “Still the Dom’s fault for not being aware of your movements. I didn’t hurt her. I respected her limits even when she begged for more.”

  “Limits can change. New people are always more conservative and nervous.” She’d heard that story tons of times. “Exploring something new is part of the play.”

  He shook his head. “What she wanted, I couldn’t do. She’d been abused.”

  “Oh. A rape fantasy isn’t that unusual. In a role-playing scene, it works for some people.” There wasn’t much she hadn’t heard her female sub friends confess to asking for.

  Scott sat back and took a long drink of water. “She wanted to role play. Daddy stuff. Only it wasn’t exactly fantasy. More like replaying her childhood and going further. It was disturbing to hear her talk about it.”

  Her fork fell to the plate. “Yuck. At least, that explains why you asked if I was abused.”

  “Exactly, I wanted to help her get beyond it, but she wanted to relive it. It stopped me cold. I talked to a few Masters for advice. I needed to make sure I was right.”

  “If you didn’t want to play that way you had to be honest. So you loved her then found out about her Daddy issues and abuse. Things fell apart?” She hated that he’d been hurt and so scarred as a young man, but he belonged with her.