Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

by Mark Leigh

  ‘“The Time Machine…”’

  ‘I wasn’t in…’

  ‘Don’t say anything!’ Alice exclaimed. ‘Wells published it in 1896 but it wasn’t just science fiction; it was a story very much inspired by fact. You see, a small, select group of his contemporaries were more technologically advanced than we ever knew…’ Pausing for effect she continued, ‘They had actually developed time travel!’

  Alice momentarily relaxed her grip and Dick took this opportunity to pull himself away and register his scepticism.

  ‘Whoa! Hold on lady. I don’t know lots of things but one thing I do know is that time travel is impossible. It belongs in books and in movies!’

  ‘Believe me, Mr. Longg. It’s true. Time travel was invented’, Alice said in a very matter-of-fact-everyone-knows-that sort of way.

  ‘Sure. And you’re saying it was developed by some uptight old Victorian guys in stuffy suits, top hats, brogues and gold watches on chains?’

  ‘Precisely. That’s how I’m here. And it’s why I’m here!’

  Dick was unimpressed. Confused as well, but more unimpressed than confused.

  ‘Look lady, you’d better go before I call security’, he said. ‘Why are you telling me all this? I don’t know who you are or what you want…’

  Alice pulled Dick towards her once more. ‘I want you!’, she replied with more than a hint of desperation in her voice.

  ‘Yeah, right’, Dick responded. ‘Tell me something I haven’t heard a million times before’.

  Alice continued forcefully. ‘Please hear me out, I implore you. Suspend your disbelief for a while and assume that what I am telling you is absolutely true’.

  Dick groaned. It was a groan that implied ‘I'm bored and want to end this conversation and get back to filming’, rather than a groan he might have emitted while being fondled with a sable glove or having low-fat raspberry yoghourt licked off his testicles. However, Alice’s sudden appearance, her clothing and the garbage she was spouting intrigued him and Dick decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Well, for a short time anyway.

  ‘You’ve got one minute’, he told her firmly, ‘and not a second more’. Dick looked down at the Rolex Submariner on his wrist before realising he wasn’t wearing it. He sighed.

  Seated on the couch, maintaining a safe distance from Dick, Alice continued with an even greater sense of urgency. ‘My home, the Great Britain of 2150, is a totalitarian state. It’s governed by the descendants of this cabal of businessmen, scientists, industrialists and politicians from the 1890s who developed time travel and transported themselves one hundred and fifty years into the future where they established a new society’. Dick went to open his lips but Alice interrupted him.

  ‘I know what you’re about to ask… how did a few influential men change society so radically and so quickly?’.

  In truth, that wasn’t what Dick wasn’t going to ask. That question would have been too insightful for him, but it gave Alice the chance to explain what had happened in the future — and a way for this author to sneak in some exposition without it appearing too contrived. In any case, the reasons how and why certain Victorian gentlemen time-travelled to the year 2046 is not that important. It’s a MacGuffin. You know, a plot device like the actual Maltese Falcon in the film of the same name or the stolen money in Psycho. What these Victorian gentlemen did, however, is key to this story and far, far more important. Anyway, for the sake of both Dick and those readers who want some background information, Alice explained what had happened.

  ‘The facts are imprecise’, she said. ‘Much of the history of that time is unclear and that which does exist, has almost certainly been re-written. However, what we can deduce is that soon after this group of men travelled to the future, they infiltrated the top echelons of British society, eventually forming a new political party while keeping their identities and origins a complete secret’.

  Dick frowned the sort of frown a kitten makes as it paws at a mouse on a television screen. Noting his reaction, Alice decided to keep the explanation simple.

  ‘By 2050, society was in decline and family life was being eroded. Crime was rising, particularly among the young, and there was a general lack of respect and discipline. Political parties were indistinguishable. Polices were weak and bland. Their leaders were anonymous, spineless and lacklustre. The public wanted change and they embraced the so-called ‘New Victorians’ and their manifesto of good family values, law and order, a strong work ethic and a willingness to help the less fortunate. They had a charismatic leader who achieved almost celebrity status. What started as a popular movement for reform soon developed into a full grown political party that swept into power — and which has been the ruling the country in various forms for the last hundred years or so’.

  Dick was half listening to Alice and half counting to himself, trying to work out if a minute had passed. He thought it had.

  ‘There’s virtually no opposition to their policies and the Party, as they’re known, run Great Britain as a sort of benevolent dictatorship. Their current leader is a mysterious man who is rarely seen in public’. Alice halted her explanation and stared at Dick. By the way he was mouthing numbers it was obvious he wasn’t paying full attention. Alice gave him the slap round the face she had recently resisted and which she felt he now deserved.

  ‘Listen to what I’m saying’, she pleaded. ‘I live in this world. A world shaped by Victorian ethics and morals!’.

  By now Dick had given up trying to count in his head and was considering what Alice had said.

  ‘Is that so bad?’, he enquired, mainly out of politeness as he still didn’t believe a single word Alice was saying.

  ‘Well not all of it. As I said, we live by strong values… but there’s also a downside. The Party don’t believe in promiscuity or relationships out of wedlock. They claim it contributes to the ruin of society’.

  Alice paused again for dramatic effect. ‘The result is that there is virtually no sex’.

  If Dick’s disbelief had been suspended, it just came crashing back down rather heavily. Now Alice had his full and undivided attention. A world without sex? It wasn’t worth thinking about. And it definitely wasn’t worth living in.

  ‘I can’t believe that!’, Dick said, slightly distraught. ‘You’re making it up’.

  ‘I wish I was’, said Alice sadly. ‘Some of us know from surviving fragments of your history how it used to be. In my world the Party have imposed their puritanical attitude towards sex on everyone and since the current leader came to power about three years ago it’s become far worse. Now, most sexual feeling is repressed and that which does take place is only permitted amongst married couples on a weekly basis. Monthly bromide injections to suppress desire are mandatory. Impure thoughts are not allowed to become impure deeds’.

  ‘Man, I’m glad I’m not living there!’, Dick said anxiously.

  ‘But you will be’, added Alice nonchalantly, removing from her bag some sort of electronic bracelet with green pulsating lights similar to one she was wearing. ‘You see, I’ve come here to take you back. Or rather, forward. I’m part of a resistance movement which has been trying to overthrow the Party and we need your help’.

  ‘Me?’, asked Dick incredulously. ‘Why me? I’m a top porn star. I’m a lover not a fighter!’

  ‘You have been chosen, that’s all I know. Someone very influential in my time has said that you are ‘The One’’.

  ‘I’m very flattered, lady but I’m not going anywhere with you’. Dick was not only adamant, he was also angry. ‘Do I think you’re from the future? No way! And even if I did, do I want to live in a future without sex. Never! Do I want to help bring down your government? Of course not! Why would I want to give up everything I’ve got here? Everything I’ve worked for! I’m going back on set and suggest you go back to wherever you came from, whether it’s the future, or more probably, the asylum!’

  ‘But Mr. Longg!’, Alice implored, ‘We don’t have much
time! As soon as I arrived here the Party would have detected a disturbance in the time vortex wormhole continuum and would have sent agents to hunt me down!’

  For a split second Dick considered asking about the time vortex wormhole continuum, but then thought better of it and instead started to leave. As he headed towards the door he turned back. ‘It was good meeting you. Have a nice day’.

  Alice lunged and grabbed his arm forcefully. ‘Stop! Let me tell you a bit more about my world. Just hear me out, I beg you. Please! Then you’ll see how desperate I am’.

  Desperate wasn’t a word Dick associated with her. Insane, yes, as in ‘one hooker short of an orgy’, but desperate, no.

  ‘All right’, he said, humouring her and shaking loose her hand, which was now beginning to hurt. ‘You’ve got one more minute’. Dick looked down again at his watch that wasn’t there, and sighed.

  CHAPTER 3

  Alice reached into her bag once more and handed Dick what looked like a bulky pair of ornate opera glasses attached to something that resembled an old leather-flying helmet.

  ‘Mr. Longg,’ said Alice with a hint of panic in her voice. ‘Please put these on so you can see the world I live in. Time is of the essence’.

  Dick examined the eyeglasses and asked sarcastically, ‘What are these? Seven by thirty-fives? Eight by forties? They don’t look powerful enough to see across the Valley, let alone into the future’.

  ‘Mr. Longg, this is a virtual reality device which will enable you to have a glimpse into my life and my world. You can control where you go and what you see’.

  ‘I’ve done this before’, Dick said brusquely. ‘You’re not talking to an amateur!’

  He carefully put the headset on and adjusted the eyepieces until they were comfortable. An image momentarily flickered in and out of focus before stabilising; an image of what Dick assumed was meant to be a city street in Alice’s time. Dick thought it looked pretty much how you’d imagine the year 2150 to look. Sleek glass and steel high-rise buildings, an elevated modern subway and wide streets full of streamlined cars that hovered just above the ground. As Dick moved his head, his point of view also changed. By leaning forward slightly he walked forward in his virtual reality world. When he leaned back slightly, he stopped.

  ‘Cool!’, Dick commented. He’d seen this sort of set-up before in a virtual sex game where the participant could take part in a whole variety of different, and very realistic, scenarios. Two years ago a well-known Japanese computer games manufacturer had asked Dick to endorse their new product and invited him to view a demonstration. In front of a roomful of their senior management and the proud company CEO, Dick tried one of the prototypes. After examining the electronic menu he selected a programme where he would be enjoying virtual sex with a silicon-enhanced brunette spread-eagled on a revolving circular bed. To Dick’s immense surprise he found himself on the bed but sodomising a stocky blond man with a hairy back and bushy moustache. The games company execs blamed a ‘bug’ and were very, very apologetic (although Dick was certain he caught some of them smirking and was sure one of them left the room to laugh). Despite the experience just being virtual, Dick felt extremely queasy afterwards and needed a series of cold showers followed by whole body exfoliation before he felt well enough to enter into any more discussions with the manufacturers. When contact did eventually resume it was just one-way; Dick telling them to fuck off.

  He shuddered at these recollections but noted how Alice’s virtual reality system seemed much more impressive and realistic. It seemed like he was actually in the year 2150, which he knew of course, couldn’t be the case. One thing perplexed him though. The fashions seemed antiquated and out of kilter with this vision of the future. The women tended to wear unflattering clothes like Alice while the men wore conservative suits and sported beards or moustaches that were so ridiculous-looking they could have come straight out of a 1970’s porn film.

  The quality of the image and the detail he saw made Dick wonder how Alice had managed to make this whole scenario look as authentic as it did. But then he remembered where he was, not a million miles from the land of make believe and endless studio back lots where this could have been filmed. Fashion was one thing but how did Alice fake the cars hovering above the ground? Then he remembered how Luke Skywalker’s sand speeder did exactly the same in Star Wars, and that was over 30 years earlier. It wouldn’t be that difficult to imitate. These special effects may have been costly but that only proved that Alice wasn’t just mentally unstable and deluded; she was mentally unstable, deluded and rich. But one thing still bugged Dick. He couldn’t figure out why she’d gone to all these lengths. What did she intend to gain?

  These thoughts had caused Dick’s concentration to wander but he re-focussed on the images that played out before him, leaning slightly forward to enable him to walk along the virtual street before turning to enter a large virtual bookshop. Here he made his way along various aisles and soon found himself in the very-well stocked periodicals section. Out of curiosity and force of habit he looked for the adult magazines to see what porn of the future looked like (and although he would never admit it, Dick was secretly hoping for some mention of him in a retrospective feature). The strange thing was that he had trouble finding any adult magazines at all.

  After looking along the top shelf he looked at the next shelf down, and the next shelf down after that, but failed to find any porn there too. In fact he looked along every single shelf from eye-level, to thigh-level to, er, well, ankle level and on all of them, adult publications were notable by their absence. The most arousing magazine on display turned out to be the swimwear edition of ‘Sports Illustrated’, except in this case the swimwear was baggy, one-piece bathing suits that covered the whole body apart from the hands, feet and head (although even the head was partially covered by a frilly bathing cap).

  Slightly confused, Dick walked out to see if he’d entered some Church of the Latter Day Saints Book Shop, or whether Borders was now owned by the Taliban or Amish, but could find evidence of neither. He continued down the virtual street and reached a busy intersection where a huge video screen mounted on the side of a monolithic building caught his eye. It was broadcasting what appeared to be some sort of public service health advertisement. At first Dick thought it was warning about the dangers of VD or AIDS but it was only after he’d watched the whole commercial that the penny dropped. The pallid looking young man who had lost his girl, his job, his self-esteem and the respect of his entire family was not suffering from a sexually-transmitted infection. He had been caught masturbating. A society with no pornography was one thing but criminalising masturbation was quite another. This future had no place for anyone like Dick Longg. This world that Alice was presenting as her own made Orwell’s ‘Big Brother’ look like a jovial uncle. But then Dick asked himself why he was getting upset over a prank film; some sort of scam that Alice was obviously pulling. With a mixture of horror, disgust and annoyance (and a little bit of nervousness thrown in for good measure) Dick ripped the headset off and thrust it back at Alice.

  ‘It’s not a nice world is it?’ she asked rhetorically.

  ‘OK. You’ve had your chance. I don’t know how you pulled that stunt but I admit the effects are pretty good’, Dick told her. ‘Now just supposing your whole future deal is right, and you really have come back in time — which I must say, can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be the case — you’re asking me to give up everything I’ve got here; my career, my luxurious, exciting lifestyle including my Hummer and my 60 inch plasma TV, to travel to your time to bring down a whole government and risk being killed, or worse, being rendered impotent by injection as soon as I arrive — and that’s before I even start fighting for your so-called resistance organisation!’

  Dick was on a roll. The last time he felt this animated about anything was when he campaigned for the establishment of the Adult Film Actors Guild. He’d led the fight to set up this union for porn stars to stop them being exploit
ed and also devised its motto, ‘Let the actors do the screwing, not the film companies!’ (his only regret was the union’s unfortunate acronym which he hadn’t foreseen but by then all the stationery had been printed).

  Dick reached for the door handle. ‘Lady, the decision you’re asking me to make is such a no-brainer… that… that… even someone without a brain wouldn’t need to think twice about it! I’m going back on set and suggest that you make yourself scarce as soon as I’ve gone or I will definitely call security!’

  Opening the door of the trailer, Dick stepped out. As soon as he surveyed the set and thought about the next scene with Alpine he was instantly aroused. ‘A world without sex?’ he thought to himself. ‘It really doesn’t bear further consideration!’

  Dick was walking towards Ron when he heard the exact same noise that occurred when Alice appeared in his trailer, immediately followed by the exact same smell (but not the rose-scented perfume part). If he was surprised when Alice materialised then he was totally dumbfounded when two smartly dressed top-hatted gentlemen appeared out of thin air to his right. He was astounded when one of them raised his arm and fired some sort of pistol at Ron that emitted both a loud, popping noise and a concentrated beam of blue light. The first beam grazed Ron’s shoulder but was powerful enough to spin him around. Another loud ‘pop’ and the second blast caught his upper body. Ron grimaced, screaming the scream of someone you knew would scream no more. He collapsed to his knees and rolled over on the floor, a three-inch hole smouldering in his chest. The whole thing happened in slow motion. Or maybe it just appeared that way as Ron was so heavy-set and lumbering, any progress he made seemed to be in slow motion whatever speed he actually moved at. Although Dick wasn’t sure exactly what had happened he sensed that the rest of the day’s filming was in serious jeopardy.

  His first thought was that one of Ron’s many enemies had decided it was payback time. Ron had made many errors of judgement in his time and although he wasn’t homosexual himself, had produced a series of exploitation films in the 80s including ‘The Gay Godfather’, ‘Mafia Fags’ and ‘Cosa Nostra Queers’. These had made him an awful lot of money but also an awful lot of people of Italian descent who wanted him whacked. Dick knew that a lot of Ron’s enemies had threatened to tear him ‘a second asshole’ but he was sure that whoever had just shot him wasn’t one of them, if only because anyone with even the most rudimentary medical knowledge knew that no one would tear you a ‘second asshole’ in the middle of your chest.