In an Instant

by Adrienne Torrisi

  “It will never sound right.” I close my locker and lean against it to match Nate’s stance.

  Marcus’s parents might be the kindest, most selfless people in the world, and Marcus was exactly like them. Since he was cremated, they waited to have his funeral until we could all attend. That’s the one thing that gives me a sense of peace—they don’t know about me and Jake, so tonight, I will play the loving, grieving girlfriend, which I am and always will be. I just had a tiny secret that thankfully only seven other people know about, and no matter how much hate there is between some of us now, I know our bond is tighter than revealing that secret to anyone else.

  Nate rests the back of his head against the locker and closes his eyes. “Practice has been rough. The game is this weekend, and it used to be so important, but now I can’t concentrate. I don’t even care.”

  “Nate! What the fuck? Seriously?” Cam playfully slams his metal splints on the locker next to him. He obviously overheard his confession.

  “We need to win for Marcus. That is what he would want.” Cam looks so serious it’s as if he is about to break into a eulogy.

  Nate shakes his head. “How? You and Jake can’t play, and I don’t know how we’re going to win without Marcus. Jake might be the star, but Marcus was the glue. He was the heart of the team.”

  Cam smiles. “Not true about me.”

  “What do you mean?” Nate and I ask at the same time.

  “Well, Doc says they can take off my splints for the game and tape up my fingers and hand where the stiches are. Since it’s my left hand, he thinks I’ll be good. And I know I can shoot one handed.” He gives us both a confident smile.

  “Yeah, until someone slams into you, and you re-break your fingers or re-open your wounds,” Nate says, dismissing his ridiculous plan.

  “Laugh it off, Dr. Nate, but until you get your medical license, I’m going with the team doc. If he thinks I’m good, then I am.”

  Nate squints his eyes with a questioning look. “Doc says you can play?” He gives a cautious smile.

  “Yeah. That’s what I’m telling you.”

  “Doc says you can play?” Nate shouts a little more loudly.

  “Yes!” Cam shouts even more loudly, startling people walking by.

  Nate’s excitement is palpable and contagious. His confidence is back within seconds, and I can tell this changes everything for them, for him. A win is possible. It’s within reach again, so maybe they really could win this one for Marcus.

  “What is going on over here? I think Marcy Lyman just peed her pants when she was walking by,” Jake says as he joins our group.

  We all laugh.

  Hearing his voice sends chills down my spine. I wasn’t expecting it; my body didn’t have time to prepare for him to be this close. When our eyes meet, it causes me to almost lose whatever form of control I have over the situation.

  “I can play this weekend.” Cam’s smile brightens his entire face. “Doc says he can tape up my fingers and my hand.”

  Jake’s expression radiates joy for the first time since I told him about Marcus. That alone fills me with pleasure. I want him to be happy; that’s all I really want, even if it’s not with me.

  “Then he can do it for me,” Jake says, standing up a little straighter. He’s much better, but doing simple things, like throwing his book bag over his shoulder or opening his locker, makes him wince in pain.

  “Jake,” I say emphatically, “it’s not the same.” I’m the only one who seems concerned; everyone else is filled with hope, even Nate who has to know how dangerous it would be for Jake to play. I don’t want to be the one to squash their hope. “Maybe you should talk to the team doc before you get too excited,” I add to try to soften the blow.

  I know he can’t play, and so does the rest of the team. Deep down, he knows it, too, but I also know he needs this. There is no way he could just sit there and watch the team play in the championship game without being on the court.

  ***

  All practices are ending early today so everyone can attend Marcus’s funeral. I’m dreading it. It’s the last thing with Marcus I have to look forward to, and once it’s over, it will all really be over. And then there will be nothing. I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that. Regardless, I know I have to.

  Basketball practice has been closed to anyone not on the team since the accident. No one is allowed in the gym. No distractions. But it’s pouring outside—how fitting—so our varsity cheer practice is in the gym today.

  Watching the guys on the court without Marcus or Jake is strange. Cam is still practicing, especially now that he can play. His splints are off, and his hand is heavily taped for practice.

  I see what Nate was saying. The team is off. Marcus’s presence is missed more than I ever imagined. They are all playing hard, but something is missing. Their heart, the passion they always played with is dimmed. Even with state being a few days away, they seem to be playing as though they’re in the dark.

  “Dani,” I hear my name and look over to see Jake, not that I needed to look. I would know that voice anywhere.

  He gives me a bright smile, revealing his deep dimples. It’s a smile I haven’t seen since before the accident, but it’s so out of character for him now that it causes my heart to pick up its pace.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” He gestures to the hallway with his head, and my eyes shift to Mel as an automatic reflex since we are in the middle of practice.

  She rolls her eyes, but I know that’s her way of saying go. That’s as good as I’m ever going to get, so I do.

  Once we’re out in the empty hallway of the gym, Jake looks both ways to make sure we are alone then whispers softly, “I can play.”

  “What?” I heard him, but the words don’t register.

  “I can play.” He enunciates each word with a bright smile.

  “How?” I say, and without thinking, I run my hand over his side, gently grazing his injury.

  He brushes his hand across mine and holds it over his injured chest. It’s the closest we have come to holding hands since the accident. “Doc did some research and spoke to my doctor. They can give me a beta blocker injection before the game so I won’t feel pain, and if they tape me up over the injury, I should be good. I just need my parents to sign something to let me play, but I know they will. They know how much it means to me. I need to do this for Marc.”

  Seeing the raw emotion and honesty in his eyes, I know he believes every word he’s saying with his whole heart. I’m not sure he has ever been as passionate about anything as he is about basketball. This is it - the last game of his senior year, the state championship. Still …

  “Jake,” I say softly, as if I understand, but I need to talk sense into him. Someone does.

  What is wrong with these doctors? Do they care that much about a stupid win? I know his parents will say yes. They are so consumed with making Jake happy at this point that they won’t be able to see past that, and he knows it.

  “It sounds really dangerous. What if you get hurt?”

  He drops his hand from mine along with his smile. “So what? Then I do.” He’s more defensive than I expected. “I don’t need to remind you that I just got out of the hospital, Dani, so I’m pretty sure we know exactly what that would be like. Plus, worse case, I get to see Marcus again.”

  I think it’s a horrible joke, but my eyes are locked on his, and I see he’s serious, which scares me even more.

  “I’ll go out doing something I love; isn’t that the best way to go?” He gives me a wicked smile.

  I knew Jake was in pain, but I didn’t realize how deep it was. He would never speak like this; he would never say the words that just came out of his mouth. I’m in such shock I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.

  He looks at me with his dangerous smile. He’s made his decision, and he’s clearly lost touch with reality. I hope, after being at Marcus’s funeral tonight, he will get his grasp back. Hopefully, it will knoc
k some sense into him.

  Without another word, he turns away from me and pushes through the gym doors. I hear him shout something, but it’s muffled. Then I hear cheers and shouts. Everyone’s excitement tells me exactly what he just announced.

  I can’t bring myself to go back into the gym and watch people congratulate him on something so stupid and dangerous. Therefore, I leave, even though we are in the middle of practice. There’s a first for everything.

  Chapter Seventeen

  After the End

  Marcus’s funeral was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. It was more difficult than seeing him in the hospital; more difficult than seeing the paramedics desperately work on Jake’s lifeless body the night of the accident; more difficult than leaving Marcus’s room for that last time, knowing it was good-bye forever.

  Having people tell me how sorry they are, knowing what I did the very night of the accident, is something I will never be able to forgive myself for. I should have told him. I owed him that. I just ran out of time.

  It was all excruciating, but having a hysterical Bea hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay was enough to push me over the edge. I envy her innocence, her blind love for Marcus. That’s what he deserved, and I despise myself for accepting her embrace, her sympathy. I don’t deserve any of it. Everyone’s compassion was difficult, but hers, knowing how she felt about Marcus, was deplorable.

  Watching Jake tonight broke my heart all over again. I saw how torn up he is. He was a mess, and I know most of it is because he loved Marcus. They have been best friends for as long as I can remember. Where there was Jake, there was Marcus; it was a given. I also know the rest was from guilt, because I have the same guilt coursing through my veins. I threw up three times already, and I’m grateful to finally be in the safety of my tree house.

  One thing that was clear tonight is how much Marcus is loved. Literally the entire school was there, maybe the entire town. There were cops directing traffic due to the amount of cars. They had people in several different overflow rooms with a television feed so they could hear whoever was speaking. His parents were showered with love and incredible stories from everyone. It was an amazing way to celebrate his amazing life. Nate, Dax and Cam spoke, but not Jake. I’m sure he didn’t know what to say, given how much was unsaid between them.

  Luke gave an incredibly beautiful tribute to his brother. Those were the only words I heard him speak the entire night. He spoke to no one, said nothing.

  Most of his best friends from high school came back home from college to support him, and some of his fraternity brothers drove down from school. He didn’t talk to any of them, only stared at the pictures of Marcus lining the walls. Pictures of him with our group throughout the years: Marcus in his basketball uniform, Marcus with the team from the last three state championships, Marcus and our crew at prom last year. That’s all that is left. No new pictures will ever be taken, no new memories.

  My stomach twists with that thought as I squeeze myself into the fetal position to try to will away the pain. It’s so deep I don’t think anything will ever be able to take it away.

  I hear a faint knock from underneath me, and I squeeze my eyes shut more tightly. I tell myself to ignore the slamming of my heart from just the thought of whom that knock belongs to. Ignore it. He will go away eventually.

  I hear the creak of the hinges as the door opens.

  “Dani,” he whispers, his voice gentle. “I know you’re in here.”

  “So?” I say, not returning his kind tone. I need him to go.

  “I need to talk to you,” he says so sweetly and filled with so much desperation it makes me turn around. “Do you know what it’s like climbing up that ladder with three broken ribs?” He smiles, and my heart reacts, but my head screams for it to stop.

  “Probably exactly what it will feel like to play basketball with three broken ribs,” I say as I turn my back to him and resume the fetal position.

  “Okay, I deserve that.” His body weight causes the mattress to sag as he sits down next to me. I feel his fingers glide through my hair and run down my back. His touch is incredibly gentle while he slides his hand up and down my spine. “It’s okay, Dani,” he says softly as he continues to gently stroke my back.

  I didn’t realize how much I needed this comfort, craved it. My body relaxes for a second, and whatever I was holding in—all the stress, tension, and deep sadness—starts to pour out of me. I feel myself come undone. For once, I accept it. I don’t hold back, and it feels so good to let it all out.

  “It’s okay,” Jake repeats softly over and over. “I’m here,” he whispers. “I know. It’s going to be okay.”

  I can’t bring myself to speak and I’m slightly embarrassed that I’m completely losing it in front of him. I’m self-aware enough, even in the middle of my breakdown, to register that. Nevertheless, I don’t let it stop me. I can’t. I need to let this out. I’ve held it in for too long. I can barely catch my breath. I can’t control myself. I don’t want to.

  Jake continues to slide his hand up and down my back as I heave for breath. His touch is perfect. His words are perfect.

  After what feels like hours, I pull myself together enough to form words. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  “I know,” he says gently to the back of my head, his hand never stopping its gentle motion. “I can’t, either.”

  The room is filled with silence except for my heavy, hysterical breathing. Then Jake finally speaks again.

  “I hate myself for everything. I couldn’t even give a speech at his funeral tonight. There are so many funny stories I should have shared.”

  “Like what?” I ask through my calming sobs.

  “Like the time when we were nine, and we challenged each other to see who could eat the most McDonalds, we ate so much we were sick for two days.”

  I can’t help laughing, remembering how ridiculously sick they were.

  “Or when we were twelve, and we swore off girls forever. That lasted about ten minutes until Marc found out that Rachel Smith had a crush on him.”

  I smile to myself. I remember Rachel Smith. She was worse than Bea.

  “What else?” I ask, needing to hear more.

  “Or the time we both ran away from home.”

  I laugh. “I’m pretty sure you both came to live here.”

  “Yeah, that lasted a whopping five hours until we realized food cost money, and we didn’t have any.” I hear the smile in his voice, but then, just as quickly, it’s as if I hear it drop away. “I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend and amazing person he is—was—but I couldn’t do it. I failed him even in death.”

  “Jake.” I turn to face him, and when my eyes land on his, I see how puffy and red they are. He seems like a pillar of strength, yet he needs this talk as much as I do. “That’s not true, and you know it. If he were here, if he knew how you felt, he’d be furious. He would never say that you failed him. Never.”

  Jake turns and pulls his hand away from me. I can tell he has more to say, but I see the concrete wall quickly go back up, it’s been there since he found out about Marcus.

  I reach out to touch him this time, running my fingers down his back. “What, Jake? What are you not telling me?”

  He shakes his head, not turning around.

  The silence stretches between us.

  “I miss you,” he finally whispers with his eyes still locked on the plywood wall.

  “We can’t,” flies out without even a thought.

  “Why?”

  “You know why,” I say with disbelief as I pull my hand away.

  Jake turns to face me, his eyes a light golden brown accentuated by the deep red veins running through them. They are focused in a way I have never seen. “He knew, Dani.”

  “What?” I could not have heard him correctly.

  Jake closes his eyes and shakes his head as he presses his lips together. It’s clear he doesn’t want to say more, but I push
.

  “How do you know?”

  He opens his eyes, and they meet mine again, but for once, I’m so focused on his words my body gives no other reaction. “That night at Lucas’s party, when we all went to get beer, Marcus pulled me back from the group. He said he wanted to talk. Then he told me he knew about us. He said he always knew deep down.” Jake looks up to the ceiling. “He probably knew before we did.” He gives a small, uncomfortable laugh.

  “No.” I shake my head. “That’s not possible.”

  Jake pulls my chin up so my eyes are locked on his. “It’s true, Dani. I didn’t want to tell you. I thought it would hurt you more to know he knew, but seeing you tonight, I knew you needed the truth.”

  I study his eyes. He’s telling the truth. I would be able to tell if he were lying. He always looks away when he lies.

  “What did he say?” My voice cracks.

  Jake fully turns his body so we are face-to-face. Then he runs his thumb over mine. “We were walking to the kegs, and he just said, ‘I know.’ That was the last thing I was expecting, and I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I knew I had to play it cool, so I asked, ‘Know what?’ He stopped me and just looked at me in that way he always did, like he was saying a million things with that one look.”

  I smile because I know that look. I can see it so clearly.

  “So, I didn’t argue. There was nothing to say. I couldn’t deny it. Then he asked me, ‘You always have, haven’t you?’ And I couldn’t deny that, either.” Jake gives me a smile that reveals his dimples. “It was a pretty one-sided conversation, really.”

  We both laugh, knowing how in control Marcus always was. Once he had his mind set, there was no stopping him or changing it.

  “Then he said, ‘We’ll figure it out,’ and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and we got beers just like we always did.” Jake smiles again, this one more to himself at the memory.

  I see tears welling up in his eyes when they land back on mine. “Don’t you see, Dani? He knew, and he still loved us. I didn’t really see it that way until just now, because I couldn’t see past losing him, past the guilt. But being here with you … We’re right together, and I think, no matter how painful, Marcus knew that.”