Solo Hand

by Bill Moody

  “I want my smokes, Lester.”

  “Screw you and your smokes, numbnuts. What are you doin’ at my door?”

  Danny was still standing on the trailer step, turned halfway around. He looked from Lester to the dog and back. Shooter’s lips were peeled in a snarl, showing off his pink and black gums and hungry-looking teeth. Danny slapped the bat into his hand but it no longer seemed to have any effect on the dog. He was sweating hard. Shooter lowered his shoulders into a crunch and moved forward.

  “Tell him to back off, Lester,” Danny said, thinking his voice sounded a little squeaky. “Back him off or I’ll hit him.”

  “Bullshit, Danny. He’ll bite your balls clean off before you touch him. Shooter, go. GO.”

  The dog leapt forward. Danny jumped. His right foot caught on the bottom step and he fell onto his back, right leg up in the air, presenting a tempting target for the dog. Shooter snapped and missed. Danny kicked him in the head. The dog yelped and jumped back, then prepared to attack again. What was it his mother always said about dogs? About not letting them know he was afraid? How could he not be afraid, lying there, waiting for Shooter to rip his calf open?

  “Call him off, Lester. He’s gonna tear a chunk outta my leg.”

  “Like I care, Dannyboy. He’s just doin’ his job.”

  “I swear, that mutt puts his teeth into me, I’m going straight to the cops. No fucking SPCA nice guys. They’ll put a bullet in your damn dog.”

  That gave Lester pause. “Shooter,” he said. “Down, boy. Back down.”

  Lester lunged forward and grabbed at the plastic-covered clothes line attached to Shooter’s collar. The dog escaped his reach and leaned into Danny. Danny flung his leg to the right and swung the bat as hard as he could from his prone position. His palms were sweaty and the bat flew from his hands. It shot like a rocket over Shooter’s head and struck Lester right between the eyes. He fell like a bag of rocks on top of his dog, giving Danny enough time to jump to his feet.

  Before the dog could get loose, Danny sprinted to his car and jumped in. He slammed the door behind him, and realized he’d wet his jeans. Whimpering, he watched for five minutes as the dog leapt at the car over and over. Somehow, Shooter managed to get his teeth into the side mirror. He tore it off.

  The Rottweiler seemed to feel wrenching the mirror from the car made his point. He stopped lunging and barking. Still growling, he moved off a few feet and lay down in the shadow cast by Lester’s car, doing his best to gnaw on the mirror’s chrome arm.

  Lester hadn’t moved.

  Danny rolled his window down a couple of inches and yelled at him.

  “Lester. Moron. Get up. Think I’m coming out with your freaking dog?”

  Lester lay still. Danny honked the horn. No movement.

  Danny started the car and drove slowly to where Lester lay. He looked at the pool of blood around his head. Lester’s eyes stared at the space under Danny’s car. Danny could swear he was grinning. The bat had crushed his nose flat, and all his teeth showed, tongue peeking out the gap. Pebbles and pine needles pressed into his cheek. Sticking halfway out of his shirt pocket was a pack of Players Special Blend. Kings.

  Three

  Perko gunned the ATV out of the forest and into the barnyard. He dismounted with a groan. As wide and cushy as the three-wheeler’s seat was, nothing could make the ride through the bush comfortable. He hated the backwoods trail, but it was critical he never be seen entering the farm’s front gate. He maintained complete arm’s length insulation from the grow operation that was, in every way, his baby.

  The day before, he had called the punk farmer and told him, “Time to go buy beer and groceries. Get the fuck out. Don’t be back before dark.” He checked the spot between the ancient pickup on collapsed tires and the rusted out baler. No car. The punk was a good listener.

  The farm looked like every other halfway-abandoned homestead in central Ontario. For nearly two decades, the owner had let the land run to scrub after many lifetimes of careful pasturing. No self-respecting cow would be caught navigating the stone, rubble, and low-lying juniper. A handful of poplar trees and some spruce had taken hold but no hardwood yet, except in the woodlot and even it was overrun by brambles and saplings around the edges. Before Perko’s operation had moved in, nobody at all had lived at the farm for at least three years. The hayfields lay across the road and had long been rented to a nearby farmer. Perko knew the geezer must have noticed the recent tenant in the front farm house, but he didn’t worry. In the no-smoke-no-fire book of rural etiquette, he counted on him and every other neighbor to respect the “Mean Dog” sign he had tacked to the front gate. Farmers could be every bit as nosy as they were helpful. The flipside was that people in the country knew how to mind their own business as long as nothing too loud or funny-smelling was going on.

  Perko’s tenancy was a strictly cash deal, struck with the eighty-seven-year-old owner. The widow nearly choked on her teeth when he paid eight months’ rent up front. She still had enough gumption to ask for a damage deposit which Perko was convinced she immediately blew at the Great Horned Owl Charity Casino. They ran a shuttle four times a day to and from the retirement villa.

  The barn was easily a hundred twenty years old. It leaned slightly to one side, but the long grey timbers looked as solid as rock from a distance. It was tucked conveniently behind the farmhouse and further screened by a spur of the woodlot.

  Perko headed around back to a bright aluminum garage door wide enough to accommodate a tractor. He unlocked the padlock and rattled the length of old chain through the door’s handles. Inside he was greeted by a press of air so thick with organic dust he could feel it on his teeth. A shiver of anticipation ran down his spine as he spread his arms wide and beamed at his masterpiece.

  The tumble-down barn’s cavernous interior was all twenty-first century. Thirty-mil black plastic lined the inside walls. Styrofoam insulation was glued and tacked to the plastic. Scaffolding erected right up to the roof created four floors where once there had been two. A mosaic of chrome, wire, white and black plastic tubing and hoses ran in every direction, all of it shimmering under a metal halide dawn. Each level had aisles of hydroponic basins, filled with slow-flowing nutrient-enriched water that bathed the roots of row upon row of pungent marijuana plants.

  The man-made central nervous system created the ideal growing environment for some of the most potent cannabis the world had ever known. And it was all his.

  That his creation looked like a massive fire hazard wasn’t lost on Perko, but the smoke his operation was intended to produce would be far sweeter than the toxic mess that would occur should the barn itself ever burn. He had overseen the installation himself, using the Libidos’ regular crew of off-duty city and hydro workers—the region’s best experts on bypassing power meter monitoring. He paid the men cash and fed them beer and pizza during the overnight build-out sessions. It took less than a week to complete the installation. Perko himself cloned cuttings from two other Libido grow ops.

  He used Frederick, one of Nancy’s Nasties, to hire a guy to babysit the plants for the sixteen weeks until harvest time. Frederick’s great-great-aunt had been the Nasties’ matriarch, Nancy Nickerson, a gin-swilling grandmother of six hardcore repeat convicts who ran the original show. The two remaining grandsons were in walkers by now and what was left of the gang had fallen on rough times. Still, it was critical there be no connection between Perko and his pot farmer so that if the place ever got busted, the punk couldn’t rat anyone out.

  The plants had grown quickly, the Himalayan Gold outperforming the Texada Timewarp, and both crops starting to flower in just under two months. Once a week, he called the resident farmer from a pay phone and told him to leave the property: “Payday. Time to get lost.” Week by week, the plants matured, and he walked the aisles like a botanist, pausing here and there to crumble a leaf between his fingers and smell its sweet spice.

  Today, things were looking different. A back corner had been
sealed off with a black plastic curtain behind which the mother plant cuttings for the next crop were rooting in their little trays, nearly ready to be transplanted. The black curtain served to block out ambient light, ensuring the babies received exactly twenty hours of artificial daylight—no more, no less—from the overhanging light racks. The punk farmer was doing his job well, not that it would ever occur to Perko to tell him as much.

  Stacked near the tractor door were dozens of bales of dried pot, each wrapped in burlap and plastic, and weighing in at twenty-five pounds. Perko drew a deep breath, eyes gleaming, and admired his first harvest.

  On the other side of the door, he noticed a charred empty oil drum stuffed with odds and sods of plastic and framing materials. It looked like farm boy was using his noggin and doing the barrel burn indoors rather than sending a thick black smoke signal up from the yard. He’d have to tell him to check the HVAC filters to make sure they weren’t getting clogged.

  Done inspecting the barn, Perko walked over to the house to leave an envelope containing sixty twenty-dollar bills on the kitchen table. On the envelope he scrawled a note: “Tuesday night, make yourself scarce. The Boss.” Then he underlined “Boss” because it made him feel good.

  On previous visits, he had nosed around the house a bit to get a sense of his employee’s at-home behavior, looking for evidence of parties, or girlfriends, or anyone other than the farmer himself. Visitors were strictly forbidden. Based on his snooping, Perko was satisfied that the only company enjoyed by his charge was a lizard that occupied one of the rooms on the second floor. It had to weigh nearly twenty pounds. Perko made another mental note to find out just how big lizards could grow—he didn’t want to wind up ambushed by a dragon.

  Today, he noticed a few bags of dried bud, more than his farmer could possibly smoke on his own. Clearly, the guy was selling a little on the side. Perko shrugged. Selling factory leavings was against the rules, but he was willing to let it slide. When you were growing over a million dollars’ worth of marijuana and some poor sod was fool enough to shoulder the personal risk of incarceration, it was best not to quibble when he sold a little plant waste. If the punk got busted dealing, he had nothing to gain by confessing to running a factory-scale pot farm, never mind the fact that he didn’t have a clue who he actually worked for.

  Riding back into the bush on his ATV, Perko smiled with pride at the elegance of the operation. He’d learned a hell of a lot with the Libidos. They were so smart, he figured they ought to be running the whole damn country.

  Back to TOC

  Here’s a sample from Les Edgerton’s The Genuine, Imitation, Plastic Kidnapping.

  2003

  A STREETCAR NOT NAMED DESIRE

  The first glitch came up right away. In fine-tuning the kidnap plan, in which Tommy explained we’d go in dressed in three-piece suits like insurance salesmen in case any neighbors were up and about and noticed two guys dressed like shrimpers at this guy’s house early in the morning. Well, I didn’t have a three-piece suit and not even a two-piece suit, and upon further researching my memory, didn’t even have a sports coat and after quizzing Tommy, discovered he didn’t have one either. I figured we’d just go in like we were dressed, but Tommy wouldn’t have none’a that.

  “Jeez Louise, Pete. We can’t do that. This is a big-money community where this guy lives. In-ground swimming pools, that gives you any idea. We show up looking like we usually dress, there’s gonna be some dame across the street calling the cops for the two guys look like a home-invasion team.”

  Turns out he had a plan to get us a few bucks to get suits with. It was a strange-enough idea I thought it could work. I guess you had to be there when he was laying it down. Sounded righteous enough then... I mean, the guy was an Indian...

  An hour later, Tommy and me are sitting on the St. Charles streetcar, at the stop by the zoo down by Club 4141, watching people get on in the front. The last two on are a young tourist couple in matching yellow Bermuda shorts.

  “Cool,” Tommy said. “Tourists. They’ll have cash.” He took a drag from his cigarette. He was sitting directly under the “No Smoking” sign, but held it outside the window.

  I didn’t disagree. There were maybe fifteen people on board, not counting us and the motorman. This was looking better and better. Might get as much as a couple of thousand out of this crew. Get us suits somewhere else than the bargain bins of the Men’s Wearhouse.

  “See that?” Tommy said. I followed his eyes which were locked on the buxom female member of the tourist couple. She was a looker.

  “Yeah? So?”

  “So this.” He brought his forearm up, pretending to take a bite out of it.

  “You wish,” I said, grinning.

  “Yeah, well I got something her boyfriend ain’t.”

  I laughed out loud. “Right, Tommy. Ugliness. But I think she’s maybe one of those weirdos goes for brains and looks. At least one of those.”

  Tommy turned and gave me a look. “I’m talking technique here,” he said. “I got this technique.”

  “Technique?”

  “Technique.”

  “What... you got a cute way of gettin’ on and off?”

  “Naw, man,” he said, shaking his head like he can’t believe how dumb I am. “That’s like a big dick. Everybody’s got that.”

  I snickered. “I don’t recall you was so blessed in the big wang department, Tommy.”

  “Yeah, well I was cold that time. We just got out of the lake, for crissake. See, Pete, being a champion at sex is like being good at basketball. You got to be able to go strong to the hole.”

  There was a young gal behind us who I could see was trying to ignore what Tommy was saying. She squirmed in her seat and studied the scenery out the window, them mansions sliding by.

  I was dying to know Tommy’s “technique,” and asked him.

  “I piss in ’em,” he said.

  The gal behind us grabbed her purse and sniffed, loud, got up and moved three rows back to the last seat.

  “Fuck you, lady,” Tommy muttered. “You don’t like the conversation, relocate.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “She did. What’s this pissing thing?”

  I saw the street sign flash by. Coming up was where we planned to do our thing. The corner where St. Charles turned onto Carrollton, by the Camellia Grill. Three blocks from where we’d stashed Tommy’s Nova to make our getaway.

  “Never mind,” I said. “Here it comes. You ready?”

  “I was born ready,” Tommy said. He stood up and reached his hand into his waistband.

  The gal who had relocated screamed out, “This man has a gun!”

  Shit.

  The streetcar went nuts. Pandemonium erupted—passengers screaming, brakes screeching as the conductor slammed the car to a half. Tommy lost his balance and recovered. The tourist woman in the front screamed one long banshee scream—Ayyyyeeeeeeeaaahhhh! She’s just one long scream, punctuated only by the times she has to draw breath.

  Eeeeeeeeeaaaaaayaaaaah! Ayaayaaya! Aaaaaayaeeee!

  “Shut up!” Tommy screamed. “Shut the fuck up!”

  He looked down at me where I was just kind of sitting, pretty much in shock.

  “You on a break here, Pete?”

  I just gawked at him. This wasn’t what I’d envisioned. His eyes left mine and I followed his stare to the gal who’d blown the whistle on us in the rear seat. She had a gun out, trained on him with both hands, just like they do on TV. I couldn’t move. My entire life didn’t flash before my eyes, but about twenty-six years and three months of it did.

  “I’m throwing up in my mouth, is what I’m doing,” I said. What had I got into?

  “You’ll wanna brush your teeth before you kiss any girls, then,” he said.

  Tommy brought his own gun up to bear on the woman in back, same two-handed grip she had. Mexican standoff.

  He turned his head slightly down to me, still keeping his gaze on the woman. “Shoot her!” he said. This w
as just completely fucked.

  “You got the gun, Captain Marvel,” I said, finally. “You shoot her.”

  Instead of answering or shooting her, he began to back up toward the front door, his piece still trained on the woman. I got up to follow him. It got worse. Four people in the back pulled out weapons and pointed them our way.

  “Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” It was all Tommy could say. My sentiments exactly.

  I had to hand it to him, though. He didn’t lose it.

  “Look, folks,” he said. “We’re gonna just get off now, leave all you good people be. Everybody just stay calm.”

  One of the male armed passengers near the back door stood up. He said, “Like hell. I’m taking you out, cowboy.”

  I felt like I was going to pass out.

  The conductor opened the back door with his control and stood up. “Let ’em go,” he said. “I don’t want no blood in my car.”

  The guy with the gun didn’t like what he was hearing. “Aw, man,” he said in a whiney voice. “You can’t just let criminals roam around. We got to take a stand. This is New Orleans, not Fucking-Pansy-Ass-New-York-City. We don’t take no prisoners in this town.”

  “Listen, Dirty Harry,” the conductor said. “This is my streetcar. I make the rules. Siddown and shut up and let these folks pass.”

  Tommy ran for the door and I was closer than his shadow behind him, leaping off a nanosecond after he did, scrambling as fast as we could across the street.

  The mouthy man and the woman in back opened up with their pistolas. I didn’t turn back to look, just kept running as hard as I could, but I heard glass shattering, people screaming, and the pop-pop-pop of handguns. Something whizzed just past my ear and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a mosquito unless insects came in calibers. I ran smack into a braking car, bounced off the hood, got up and kept on running. My side was on fire. Any second now, I imagined a hot piece of lead finding my skull or some other tender part. The regrets were coming as fast as the bullets and I kept wondering like you do in such times of stress when it was exactly that God had dropped my case and went off to take a nap or something.