A Girl Like Lilac

by Victoria L. James

  And the more Toby avoided me, the fewer reasons I had to push Chris away.

  But I hated those nights that my boyfriend took me out. I hated the thought of missing Toby’s guitar sessions. I hated losing the feel of his stare on my sly smile when he played.

  We said hello to each other in passing when we left our houses at the same time, but that was it, apart from our private concerts to one another. That was all we had.

  Then his letters began.

  One year after our night in the garden, when my window was open, waiting for his song, I heard the rustling around in the grass outside my bedroom, and a few seconds later a letter was pushed through, dropping to the floor.

  I hurried to see him, but Toby was already climbing back through his window, disappearing into the darkness. My need to cry for him tore at my throat, but my heart choked it of life, giving it a warning. One second of hearing his voice and it will break your heart again. Don’t be stupid, Lilac.

  Instead, I picked up the note that had my name on the front before I carefully peeled it open and stared at Toby Hunter’s writing.

  Lilac,

  I’m sorry.

  Toby.

  Four words. Hope, again.

  I twirled it around in my hands before I walked over to my desk and wrote a note of my own.

  Climbing out of my window, I tiptoed across the still-warm grass of August, dipped my head to my chest, and pushed my letter through his window.

  I didn’t hear a sound behind me as I walked away and climbed back through my window. I didn’t feel his stare. I only hoped he accepted it for what it was.

  Toby,

  I’m sorry, too.

  Lilac.

  I was sorry. I was sorry for letting life whisk me to an island it seemed he couldn’t sail or swim to. I was sorry for things that didn’t even make sense. I was sorry I’d stopped being to him what I still thought he was to me.

  Nothing came back that night, but for reasons I couldn’t explain, I found myself wanting to take an actual, not just mental, snapshot of the four words he’d written to me. I took a picture of his letter.

  That’s how much he meant to my heart.

  I took a picture of his words.

  In case I ever lost them or forgot them. In case one day I no longer believed he’d been real.

  Another three days passed. I went out with Chris and ate sushi at a restaurant just a few miles from Southwold. He treated me like a lady, driving me anywhere I wanted to go. He said all the right things. He kissed me on the neck and made me shiver.

  Chris asked to come into my bedroom that night and stay over. We were seventeen. We’d been dating for a year. He wanted sex.

  I refused him.

  I wasn’t ready.

  I knew it upset him, possibly angered him, even, but he kept smiling anyway. I heard the way his tyres screeched as he tore away from our street, though. I heard the anger in his actions. I knew time was running out. I also knew I couldn’t seem to find it in me to care whether he left or stayed.

  “Everything okay?” Mum asked as I walked into the house.

  “Great.” I smiled too brightly.

  “Chris keeping well?”

  “Yes.”

  I moved around the kitchen and the living room, a little dazed and confused before I said my goodnights to the family. When I walked into my bedroom, I noticed the note straight away. The window was up a little, and on the ledge sat a crisp white envelope with my name on the front written in blue ink. For the first time that night, my heart skipped with happiness, and my smile ached within seconds.

  Peeling the letter out, I gasped when a small, flattened tulip fell to the floor.

  Lilac,

  The thought of you with anyone else drives me crazy.

  The thought of you with him drives me insane.

  I don’t know what to do to make things right, but I want to try.

  Toby.

  He was jealous, which meant that he cared. He was lost, which meant that he wasn’t happy. I didn’t know whether to smile or cry for him.

  Toby,

  You should play your guitar.

  I should sing.

  We should do the happy things together again.

  Lilac.

  I practically ran to and from his house that time. My mind was giddy, but my heart was aching. I knew I was in love with Toby Hunter, but I also hated the way it hurt my chest to love him—just as Aunt Coral had always warned me.

  We were beautiful and tragic all at once, and I couldn’t get enough.

  Lilac,

  Any requests?

  Toby.

  His note came back quickly, but I didn’t see him. He’d snuck away before I got chance to call out my answer.

  Toby,

  Songs? It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over. Lenny Kravitz.

  Life? Talk to me next time you want to stop being friends.

  Lilac.

  The sound of his voice at my window had me feeling nauseous and delirious all at once. It was so familiar, warm and raspy, so beautifully wrong—it made my stomach twist. His strong hands pushed my window up farther, and when his head poked through, and I saw Toby’s sexy as hell, black-rimmed glasses, his shining eyes, and his small smirk of both shame and confidence, I knew he had everything that was missing with Chris.

  He had my heart, and in all the time we’d been apart, he’d never given it back.

  “Lenny Kravitz, huh?” was all he said as his eyes met mine.

  “He is the master.”

  “Good song choice.”

  “Can you play it?”

  “I can do anything you want me to.”

  “I look forward to that.”

  “Sing it back to me… for my birthday.”

  “It’s your birthday?” I asked, surprised, my eyes popping wide open

  “Sure is.”

  “Well, how about that.” I beamed at him, hoping he felt the genuine comfort and warmth of my smile. “Happy seventeenth birthday, Toby Hunter.”

  His grin broke free, winding me instantly. I couldn’t breathe. He made to leave, but did a double take, instead, leaning farther inside. “Oh, and Lilac?”

  “Yeah?”

  “There won’t be a next time.”

  I hitched in a breath and held it in my chest. “I’ll hold you to that,” I eventually whispered.

  Toby laughed, offered me a wink, and disappeared.

  Four words in a note had made my body tingle with longing.

  Six words from his mouth had made everything come alive again. There won’t be a next time.

  It was then when I began to realise how wrong it had been of me to think that we couldn’t fall in love because we were young. The truth was the exact opposite of that sentiment. The only people who say it’s impossible to fall in love at seventeen are the people who didn’t experience the absolute magic of falling in love at seventeen. If I was honest with myself, I’d fallen in love with Toby Hunter a long time before that, too.

  He played Lenny Kravitz for me that night.

  The next night, he indulged me with some well-known Oasis tracks, repeating the chords of Don’t Look Back in Anger for me to sing.

  Seven nights, he played continually—a mixture of songs I both knew and didn’t—and I sang back to the best of my abilities every time. We weren’t hiding anymore. He wasn’t behind his curtains, and I wasn’t struggling to breathe behind the wall. We were open and smiling at one another, our communication through song rather than conversation.

  I couldn’t get enough of him.

  I knew then what I had to do.

  “Chris, we need to talk.”

  We were outside my house, sitting in his car. I’d wanted to tell him earlier. I’d tried. But Chris had a way of steering the conversation away from feelings every time I tried to talk to him about what we were doing together and where we were going.

  He ignored me, staring straight ahead as his hands clenched the steering wheel in front of him. My eye
s drifted to the side of his face. He was handsome, in an unusual way. The things everyone else seemed to dislike about Chris, I liked the most. His bright red hair shone, and the peppered tones of his facial hair were fascinating. His jawline had grown stronger. His eyes were caring, although sometimes a little cool. I liked that fact that he was nine months older than me, almost eighteen now, where Toby and I had just turned seventeen over the summer. Chris always wore a chequered shirt with a plain tee underneath. He was a casual boy, not caring too much about fitting in. All the things I admired.

  But he wasn’t it for me.

  I couldn’t sleep with him and let him be my first and feel right about it all. Leading him on was cruel of me. I couldn’t do it any longer.

  “Did you hear me?”

  He swallowed harshly and set his face to thunder. “Can’t we talk later?”

  “No, I need to talk to you now.”

  “It’s true, then.”

  I scowled, staring at his profile in confusion. “What is?”

  “It’s all been for nothing.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it again, not knowing what to say. Inside, I had a lot of responses to that statement. A lot of damn questions, too. Instead, I stared at him blankly and waited for him to expand.

  “A year of this shit… for nothing.”

  “Shit?” I pushed out, turning in my seat to look at him properly. “This… shit?”

  His eyes snapped to mine instantly. “I’ve worked my arse off for you, Lilac.”

  I blanched, pulling my chin back and blinking rapidly.

  “I’ve gone above and beyond to make you happy. I’ve spent money I didn’t have on dates. I’ve taken you to every damn restaurant this side of Suffolk. I’ve given and given and given and given, and you’ve taken it all. All of it.”

  “And because you’ve given me things, you expect me to give you all of me? Whenever you demand it? Like a debt I have to pay?”

  “I put in the work,” he said flatly.

  “I never asked—”

  “Oh, please,” he scoffed, his voice out of character. “Don’t start with that innocent ‘I never asked you for anything’ shit.” Chris laughed a little too maniacally. I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel. I hated the creepiness that tickled my spine and made me think of the night with Joel Atkins where I felt cornered.

  “Chris, please,” I tried to reason and stay calm. “Don’t take that tone. I haven’t even said what I have to say. You don’t know—”

  “I don’t know you want to break up with me?”

  I blinked again. “Well…”

  “Lilac,” he started, turning in his seat to face me now. His eyes were a mixture of anger and sadness. I chose to cling to his sadness. I was too unsure of his anger. I’d never really seen it before. “I’m not as fucking dumb as you seem to think I am. You don’t think I’ve felt this thing that’s stopped us getting closer? You don’t think I’ve acknowledged that wedge of something that’s stopping you from being with me properly?”

  “You mean sleeping with you.”

  “Hell, yeah,” he roared, showing no shame. “Damn it. I’ve been dating you for a year. I’m an eighteen-year-old boy. I want sex like any other guy. Of course, I want to sleep with you. Have you seen you? I’d be an idiot if I didn’t want that!”

  “I’m sorry. I just—”

  “And I’ve waited. By Christ, I’ve waited. I’ve been patient. I’ve done everything I can, knowing that the day you gave yourself over to me willingly, it would be worth it. All the waiting would be worth it. All the shit—”

  “Stop saying that.” I frowned harder. “Stop saying that it’s all been shit. Like you’ve served a sentence or something. I never asked you to be with me, Chris. You acted like you wanted it.”

  “Because I did want it. But you’ve not been easy, Lilac.”

  “Apparently not,” I muttered under my breath.

  Chris rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I think I should go.”

  “No, wait.” He reached out to me, gripping my knee with one hand and squeezing it, commanding my attention. I stared at his fingers and felt myself tense. My whole body went rigid from his touch. I suddenly felt sick. “Jesus, Lilac, look at your face. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m referring to when I say that it’s been hard with you.”

  I looked up at him from under my lashes and held my breath.

  “You look disgusted.”

  “I’m not—”

  “Have you ever loved me?”

  I didn’t answer. I couldn’t lie, and I didn’t want him to hear the truth.

  Chris shook his head and blew out a breath. “Have you ever even liked me?”

  The lump in my throat hurt to swallow. I was clamming up. I was being a wimp. I wanted to run.

  “Dammit, Lilac!” he shouted, slamming his fist on the steering wheel hard, bringing the horn to life unexpectedly. I jumped instantly and reached for the door handle. It was the coward’s way out. I knew it, but I had to go. I had to get out of there. I had to let Chris calm down.

  My fingers scrambled to open the door, but I couldn’t get it to work. On one side of me, Chris was pouring out apologies and trying to touch me. In my seat, I was a scrambling mess that was about to spill tears and make a fool of herself.

  The car door flew open suddenly, and before I could blink, I was staring up into the eyes of the boy who had, once upon a time, made me feel safe. Toby picked me up and pulled me to his chest, his grip tight as he held me, and I sobbed, the rest of my surroundings blurred and confusing.

  I heard another car door slam before all hell broke loose.

  “And here he is. Right on cue. The knight in shining armour has returned. I should have known,” Chris shouted across the car bonnet at us.

  Toby’s hand held my head to his chest as he guided me around the car and onto the pavement.

  “Now this all makes sense. He’s why, isn’t he?” Chris yelled. “Fucking Toby Hunter wins again. How long has this been going on? You scheming little…”

  “Don’t say something you’ll regret, Chris,” Toby warned him quietly. His control was a hundred times more intimidating than Chris’s over the top anger.

  “What are you going to do? I’m not Joel Atkins, Tobe. I won’t just curl up in a ball when you hit me. ‘Cause let’s face it, that’s what you do, isn’t it? When it comes to Lilac, you’re all about the violence.”

  I tensed again in Toby’s arms.

  “Have you fucked him, Lilac?” Chris snapped. “This idiot? Do you even know what a coward he is?”

  “Ignore him,” Toby whispered down to me. “Go into your house and ignore him. I’ll take it from here.”

  I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to. But even when weak in Toby’s arms, I always felt strong. Not as fragile anymore.

  “N-no,” I muttered roughly. Turning around in Toby’s grip, I managed to peel myself away and take a step closer to Chris.

  “Chris, don’t you start on Toby. This is my fault. Please, calm down.”

  Chris’ hands flew in the air before he scoffed and slapped them against his thighs. “Oh, fuck off, Lilac. Just fuck off. If you want him, have him. I’m sick of this shit with you.”

  “Stop saying that.”

  He spun back in my direction, took an intimidating step forward, and pushed his face right into mine as he spat out his words. “It’s all been shit. You’ve made me feel worthless.”

  “Because I didn’t sleep with you?”

  I heard Toby’s exhale behind me. Was that relief? Or was it awkwardness at having to witness this argument going down with Chris?

  “Because you led me on enough to believe it might happen one day. You’re nothing more than a prick tease.”

  “Chris, I’m fucking warning you…” Toby growled behind me.

  Chris rolled his eyes and looked over my shoulder. “I’m not scared of you, Hun
ter. Joel and his mates told me how easily you fold when met with a real challenge. They told me all your weak spots. They told me how easily you fucking bleed.”

  The low rumble in Toby’s throat was enough to make Chris take a step back before he cleared his throat and tried to look unfazed.

  Had Joel hurt Toby? When?

  Ignoring Chris, I spun around to look up into Toby’s eyes. He was glaring at his ex-best-friend with all the venom he possessed. His hands were curled into tight fists by his side, his shoulders back as he struggled to expand his chest enough to breathe.

  “Toby?”

  His jaw ticked over and over as he glared at Chris, narrowing his eyes.

  “Oh, shit,” Chris whispered with a sadistic laugh. “That’s right. Lilac doesn’t know, does she? That whole incident was meant to stay a secret. Silly me.”

  I stared up at Toby, feeling my nausea grow and grow until it threatened to make me sick.

  “I’m going to kill you,” Toby promised his old friend through tight lips.

  “Nah,” Chris chuckled without humour. “Lilac will probably kill you first for not telling her that the only reason you two lost contact in the first place is because you were more bothered about your bruised ego than her feelings. Isn’t that right, Toby? Huh? You didn’t want your little doe-eyed princess to know you weren’t as brave and as strong as she believed you to be. You didn’t want her to know how Joel and his friends followed you home after prom and left you with, what was it now? Broken ribs? Two black eyes, a bust lip, a chipped tooth, and maybe a bit of a limp for a while? How are those broken fingers, by the way?”

  I was going to be sick.

  Right there.

  All over Toby.

  The colour drained from my face as I stared up at him, willing him to return to me. But he was all anger and heat, bubbling and boiling over, ready to spill his revenge on Chris’s face.

  “Well, now she knows,” Chris bragged.

  That’s when Toby launched himself at Chris, making me stumble as he swung his whole body at him before his fist connected with the side of Chris’s face.