A Girl Like Lilac

by Victoria L. James

  EIGHTEEN

  Lilac

  Cheryl was standing next to me, the two of us at my bedroom window, looking out and watching as Toby helped his mum do some gardening, moving bricks and posts and pots and all sorts around. He’d been doing that a lot lately, spending time with her, doing chores that kept the two of them busy and close, yet outdoors. He hadn’t exactly divulged information about his family life to me yet—not properly—but I knew he trusted me and would tell me when he was good and ready.

  Toby, as loving and tender as he could be, was also like Fort Knox with his own life. He protected it from the outside world. I admired it about him. I was an open book, never ending and full of different stories I couldn’t help but share freely. He was a message in a bottle, locked up tight, sailing away whenever I tried to reach inside and take a peek at those secret words.

  “So, he just... stands there. Shirtless. Lifting things. Often?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed, tilting my head to one side as Toby turned around carrying a lengthy flower pot that had his strong back muscles drawing in together and his biceps working hard.

  “And you have a front row seat every single time?”

  “Yeah.” Another sigh.

  “This is like free porn for horny young women.”

  “I also get to clean him up if he gets really messy.” I bit my bottom lip to hold back my smug smile.

  “I hate you, Lilac Princess Clarke.” Cheryl wrinkled her nose and attempted to look disgusted, but then Toby dropped down his mum’s flowers, turned back around and wiped away the sweat that was streaking down his chest. He closed his eyes and let out a heavy breath, pushing the lengthier parts of his black hair away from his face.

  “I’d hate me, too.”

  I watched in wonder as my boyfriend pushed the bridge of his black-rimmed glasses up his nose and then wiped his forearm across his forehead.

  “Everything still going well then?”

  “It’s been the best five weeks of my life.”

  “No more trouble from…?”

  “Chris? No, nothing since that first time we bumped into him. I don’t care what he has to say, anyway. I made that clear. I’m happy, and I feel alive, and I refuse to feel guilty about that. Five weeks with Toby has given me everything that was missing the entire year I was with Chris.”

  “Mmhmm. I bet it has.” She probed her tongue in the cheek of her mouth repeatedly and made a blowjob gesture with her hand.

  “Stop it.”

  “You’re so cute when you’re smitten.”

  “I’m not smitten.”

  She turned to study my face, and I struggled to hold back the megawatt grin that was begging to break free. Heat rose to my cheeks before I eventually gave in and glanced her way.

  “Fine. I’m smitten.”

  “Do you love him?”

  I glanced back at Toby and watched the way he bent at the knees to place one hand on his mother’s back while he tugged up some weeds she was struggling to get rid of with his other hand. He was so naturally caring. It made me think about a future with him that I was too young to think about.

  “What’s not to love?”

  “Does he even have any faults?”

  “Only ones that make me want him even more.”

  “Shit. This is serious. Not that it’s ever been anything different between you two. You’ve always been so…” She paused and turned to watch Toby herself. “Intense. Like two older lovers that have spent a thousand lives chasing each other through death and rebirth and all that jazz. I can’t work out if you’re lucky or damned.”

  “What do you mean?” I scowled, turning her way.

  Cheryl shrugged and tugged on the edge of her off-the-shoulder black top before she ran her finger over her plum-coloured lipstick. “I mean, you’re young. Some might say too young. If things don’t work out between you two, where do you go from here?”

  “Why wouldn’t we work out?”

  “What? You’re just going to stay like this, together forever?”

  “It’s not the most ridiculous thought.”

  Cheryl shrugged. “What if it’s not enough for either of you in the future? We’re not even eighteen—”

  “Not the age thing.” I groaned.

  “Just… be careful. Some people fall from too high, too hard, too young, and they spend the rest of their lives trying to get back up there again.”

  I hated the twisted churning of fear that suddenly attacked me when I imagined a life without Toby, so I quickly swallowed it down and buried it deep beneath the excited buzz of butterflies that were permanently flying around in my stomach.

  “I’m more of an optimist than a pessimist, so I’ll stick to thinking good thoughts, thanks.”

  “And so your little pink heart should. I’m nothing but a cynical, wicked witch.”

  I laughed softly. “You might want to change that way of thinking. I’m not sure Rees would like knowing you’ve already doomed your relationship with him based on the fact that you’re too young.”

  “I don’t care what he thinks anymore. I finished with him yesterday.”

  “What?” I gasped, turning to her with wide eyes.

  “Finished. Over. End scene. Take a bow. Roll credits.”

  “Why? Where the hell did that come from? I thought you were happy.”

  “Nah. Rees is all right. I think I pretended to like him more than I ever really did. He just kept me busy. Let’s face it, he’s no Toby Hunter. I’ve never once swooned over him while he was gardening with his mother in the heat of summer.” She smirked.

  “Cheryl, you should have told me sooner. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It was my decision.”

  “You going to be okay?”

  She tilted her head my way. “I’m Cheryl fucking Watson. I’m always okay. Don’t you worry about me. Just be worried that I’m single now and currently drooling over your man.”

  I didn’t realise I was a violent person. Not until I gasped in mock horror and slapped her arm way harder than either of us knew I was capable of.

  “Stay away from my dreamboat.”

  “You son of a… Ouch!”

  “You’re Cheryl Fucking Watson,” I reminded her. “I’m sure you’ll be okay.”

  “What’s going on over here?” a breathless, shirtless Toby asked as he planted both hands on the edge of my open window and peered in, wearing that sexy as hell smile on his face. He glanced between the two of us, looking all sweaty and tanned and hot and hot and…

  Holy hell, he was so, so hot.

  My lips parted, and I sucked in a breath, feeling the hitch of it catch on the back of my throat as my stomach began to swirl with excitement.

  Toby’s eyes rested on mine, a small scowl tugging his brows together while his grin grew more prominent, showing me his bright, white teeth and his fleshy pink tongue. That tongue had done some very intimate things to me. Bad things. Insanely good bad things, and for just a moment, I forgot that Cheryl was standing in our presence, and I felt myself gravitate towards him, my legs twisting together and my head tilting to one side.

  “Hey,” I whimpered.

  “Hey. You okay?”

  “Uh-huh.” I nodded, blushing.

  Toby glanced at Cheryl. “Did you get her drunk again, Watson?”

  “Nope.” Cheryl chuckled.

  “High?”

  “I think it’s you who’s made her high, dude.” Cheryl scratched her eyebrow and smirked, watching my ridiculous reactions.

  “Oh. Right. Is that so?” Toby glanced at me again. His eyes locked on mine, and I saw the glint in the bright blue of them. I also saw the tensing of his biceps as he pressed all his weight down on the window ledge. “Don’t let me distract you. I just wanted to come over and say hey.”

  “Hey,” I said for the second time.

  He laughed softly. “You still free later?”

  “Yep.”

  “You sure you’re okay?” he asked, his brows creasing
together again.

  I felt my thighs squeeze tight as I swayed from side to side and nodded my head. “Yep.”

  “Come here.” He chucked his chin and leaned closer.

  I moved at his command, letting his half of our magnet snap me to him like he was completely in control.

  “Give me a kiss,” he whispered when I was close enough.

  I did just that, almost missing the not so subtle clearing of Cheryl’s throat before Toby released me, and I let my eyes flicker open.

  “See you later.” He winked and turned away, acting like he hadn’t just almost brought me to my knees with one simple kiss.

  “Fuck… me…” Cheryl muttered under her breath. “You’re so screwed for, like, ever.”

  I pressed my hand on my racing heart. “Tell me about it.”

  “What do you think?” I asked him as I stared at myself in my bedroom mirror and fiddled with his glasses on my face.

  “I think you look adorable.”

  I caught sight of him in the mirror; his body kicked out with his ankles crossed and his arms resting behind his head while he smiled that breath-taking boyish smile of his.

  “I meant about the trip.”

  “What trip?”

  “The trip I just spent ten minutes telling you I think we should take at Christmas.”

  Toby shook his head and feigned ignorance. “No clue what you’re talking about.”

  “You weren’t listening to me?”

  “Nope.” He smiled a tight smile. “You were far more interesting to look at.”

  I turned and looked at him, resting my bum on the edge of my vanity table. “A girl could get offended, you know. One might think one wants me just for my body and the way I look.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Toby,” I said, exasperated, my arms falling from his glasses and slapping against my thighs. “Focus.”

  “Sorry.” He chuckled. “I just don’t know how you expect me to pay attention when you’re wearing those things and looking at me like that.”

  He sprung from the bed and made his way over to me, spinning me around so the two of us were looking in the mirror again. His hands were resting on my waist, his chin on my shoulder, his breath washing over my neck. “Why do you always insist on trying my glasses on, anyway?”

  I stared into his eyes through the reflection of the mirror. “Because I feel like I see the world through your eyes for a while. I feel like I’m seeing me through your eyes.”

  “What do you see?”

  “It’s all very blurry.”

  Toby huffed with laughter, one hand rising to remove his glasses from my face carefully. “Now what do you see?”

  A man I am so desperately in love with, breathing is becoming harder when he isn’t around.

  “Nothing special.”

  “Wanna know what I see?” He pulled me to him, drawing my arse up against his jeans and holding me in place. “I see a girl that wants to go on a trip, so her boyfriend is going to work some extra shifts at the pub to make it happen.”

  “Yeah?” Excitement lit my eyes like the stars illuminate the night sky. I loved it whenever he said he was my boyfriend.

  “Damn right.”

  He worked part-time at The Sole Bay Inn pub that overlooked the oceanfront of Southwold. It was a recent move in his life, and something he was doing to help his mother out with bills at home. Toby decided that he was old enough now—almost a man—and he should be contributing the way a man should provide for his home, even if his parents had protested for a while because he was still in college. He also felt that if he was working in the community of the village a bit more, coming face to face with its residents, he might be able to do some damage control on his tainted reputation. He wanted people to like him so they loved me more. The man was insane, but I loved him for it, even if I couldn’t have cared less what the whole world thought of us being together. I loved knowing that I mattered that much for him to want to do something so significant. The only thing that worried me was that more shifts at Sole Bay would mean less time with me, and I was particularly selfish when it came to Toby.

  I rubbed myself against him, and I watched as his eyes darkened, but his smile grew in the reflection… and I wondered how soon was too soon to say I love you because with him already promising me a world he couldn’t afford, I felt the love I had for him threaten to make my heart burst.

  I reached up to hook my arm around his neck and pull him closer. “Don’t work too hard. Don’t make me miss you.”

  “Never again.”

  My smile was soft as I stared at him in the mirror, our faces a perfect symmetry of each other’s.

  Did he want to say those three special words, too?

  “I…”

  He pressed his lips to my neck and kissed me softly. “You?”

  “Doesn’t matter.” I sighed dreamily. “Your kisses make me forget everything.”

  His hand slipped down the front of my jeans, and I tried to push the overwhelming urge to tell him I loved him to the back of my mind.

  I tried. I tried.

  Dear God, I tried.

  NINETEEN

  Toby

  “I love you.”

  The declaration fell from her parted lips as she slid her eyes closed, her neck stretched out, while my wandering fingertips stilled beneath the delicate material of her underwear.

  Her words were just a whisper.

  I love you.

  “Lilac?” I breathed against her ear.

  Her eyes shot open, and her body turned cold, an iceberg in my grip. I’d never felt her spine stiffen so quickly, or her skin pale so fast.

  She loved me.

  Despite the rest of her turning snow white, heat raced to her cheeks, making the apples of them look edible enough to sink my teeth into.

  Those words had fallen from her without thought or decision, and that somehow meant more to me than if she’d planned it.

  My heart hammered against my chest. I pressed kisses to the gooseflesh on her skin and dragged my nails down one of her arms, while the hand tucked in the front of her jeans delved deeper into the heat and slickness of her arousal.

  I made Lilac come standing there in front of that mirror. I drowned out her embarrassment and her doubts with my touch and a need to please her—thank her. I didn’t speak about the words she’d wanted me to pretend I hadn’t heard. I thought about them. I thought about them every single second of that day, right through to the night when I went to work my shift as a glass collector at Sole Bay.

  “That looks like a pretty dangerous smile you’re trying to hide, boy,” Duke said from the side of the bar.

  “Hey.” I beamed as I walked over to him and shook his ageing hand. Duke was stronger than he looked; you could feel it in the grip and the way he always grabbed your hand with both palms, using the full weight of his arms to greet you with enthusiasm.

  His grey, over worn trilby sat proudly on his head, with his father’s old fishing feather hanging out of it—a fact he’d divulged to me on many of our talks. The stray hairs poking out of his ears matched the grey, wilting remnants of his beard. To everyone else, Duke looked old. To me, he looked experienced.

  I thought the guy was pretty damn cool.

  “Good handshake,” he told me, gripping it tight before he slid onto the stool and propped up the bar. “Getting stronger every day, young chap.” Duke slapped the side of my bicep firmly. “Soldier’s arms. Thick muscles already. Broad shoulders.”

  “Just trying to give you a run for your money.” I laughed, leaning on the bar to face him, my elbow resting on it. “Your hands could still crush boulders.”

  “Don’t let the roughness of my skin fool you into believing I don’t have a delicate touch.” Duke smirked, side-eyeing me.

  “That’s right. Remind me. What was it your wife called you?”

  “The fluffy rhino.”

  I laughed, remembering the conversation we’d had about his wife
and how she’d always said he had such rough skin that was there to guard his jelly heart. “Women always know best. I remember you telling me that, too.”

  “Take it from the expert, kid. I’ve lived enough and made enough mistakes to pass a few things down. You’d be wise to listen.” He winked, his hand curling around the fresh pint of bitter that my boss, Caleb, slid across the bar for him with nothing more than a nod and a smile. “How is that girl of yours, anyway?”

  “She’s pretty perfect.”

  “Treating her right?”

  “I’m doing my best, Duke.”

  “Saying all the right things and backing those words up with good actions?” he asked as he rested his glass against his lip and took his first taste of bitter. Froth clung to his moustache before he smoothly wiped it away and looked me in the eye.

  “Doing everything you told me to do.”

  “And that’s why you’re smiling so much.”

  I cocked my head to one side. “I guess so.”

  “Do you love her?” he asked me with all the tact of a man who had lived enough to earn his right to bypass subtlety.

  “Always have.”

  “Atta boy.” Duke smirked and returned his full attention to the pint in front of him. He only ever stayed for two, and that man savoured every mouthful he took. I wasn’t sure why he was on the outskirts of my life, but I liked having him around.

  “Toby?” Caleb called, leaning back over the bar. “The tables outside need clearing. The big group of tourists just left.”

  “No problem.” I gave him a nod.

  “Back to work. Earn your crust like an honourable lad,” Duke offered over his shoulder as I slipped out of the narrow doorway, smiling and shaking my head.

  “Keeping me on the straight and narrow, Dukey. I get it.”

  It was the back end of September now, and the weather was starting to take a slight turn for the cooler, although we were having an incredibly hot Indian September in these parts. Those warm days became sweeter when living by the sea. Every colour popped brighter and with Lilac’s unintended I love you still floating through my mind, and her taste and smell still lingering on my skin, it was impossible for me to feel anything but fiery hot. I took a selfish moment to check out my surroundings, take in the fading sun of the summer night, and then I turned to collect the glasses and empty packet of peanuts and crisps all around.