A Girl Like Lilac

by Victoria L. James

  Darlene stared at me with wide eyes like she wanted to kill me.

  I wasn’t sure if she would.

  “Mum,” Toby whispered. “It’s only Lilac. Don’t worry.”

  “Lilac?” Darlene asked as she stared at me.

  “Yeah.” Toby reached up to touch her cheek and guide her eyes back to his. “My Lilac.” He smiled.

  My Lilac. It was a horrible moment to be selfish, but I was taking it.

  “Your Lilac.” Darlene’s features began to soften, and a small smile tugged on the edge of her mouth as she stared into Toby’s eyes. “That’s right! You got her back.”

  “I did.” He nodded.

  “You’re happy now.”

  “I am.”

  “You love her.”

  “I do.”

  Darlene’s gasp was instant, her eyes widening and her mouth making a little ‘O’ shape. Reality was catching up with her, bringing her out of whatever daze she was caught in. “Oh no,” she breathed out. “We didn’t want her to see me like this. We didn’t want to… Toby. I’m so sorry.” Her breathing picked up, and she took a step back from her son, quickly wiping under her eyes with her thumbs to remove the heavy mascara tears from her face. “No, no. I wasn’t meant to… this wasn’t supposed to…”

  “Hey, hey.” Toby grabbed her shoulders and lowered his head until their eyes met. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not. I promised you. Oh, that’s why she’s leaving, isn’t it? I’ve messed up again. It’s why she’s escaping through the window. I’ve scared her. I’ve embarrassed you. Toby, I…”

  “No, Mum. Lilac wanted to meet you when she heard you were upset just now. It was me who was asking her to leave.”

  “Hi, Mrs Hunter,” I found myself saying.

  Darlene looked up at me sheepishly, her body now curled in on itself to shield her from feeling the full force of her mortification.

  “Call me Darlene, please.”

  I swung my leg back over the ledge and dropped back onto the floor in Toby’s room. “Darlene it is.”

  “Lilac, I’m so—”

  “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to hide from me.”

  I glanced at Toby who looked lost—somewhere between proud, scared, and confused—his eyes penetrating mine with so many questions.

  “Your son is my life now, Darlene. That means you are, too.”

  “He loves you, do you know that?”

  “Yes.”

  “He always has.” She nodded. “Since you were little. Tiny. He loved you then.”

  “I love him, too,” I said softly.

  “Be careful with him,” she whispered so quietly, I don’t think I was supposed to hear her words.

  “I always will.”

  Darlene glanced at Toby and then back at me. “I should go,” she said. “Toby, can I see you out in the hall for a moment.”

  He gave her a small nod, and they both left the room, closing the door behind them.

  Nausea swirled in my stomach. I had no idea if I’d done the right thing or not, but all I had to offer was myself and my understanding. It was up to Toby to decide if he wanted it.

  Two minutes later, he reappeared, closing the door and falling back against it with a thud. He looked tired. Strong, but tired, and when he closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wooden panels, I went to him.

  I pressed one hand against his cheek and another against his neck.

  His eyes opened slowly, and he stared up at the ceiling, his neck stretched out, the veins in it thick and stiff. “I really, really didn’t want you to see that.”

  “I’m glad I did.”

  He shook his head, letting it roll against the door.

  “You do this all alone, don’t you? You deal with this, with her, with this burden, all on your own.”

  “She’s not a burden.”

  “I didn’t mean that.” I swallowed. “I know she isn’t, but she’s also the reason you’ve hidden from me over the years, isn’t she?”

  Toby lowered his head, his eyes finding mine, but he stayed silent.

  “You thought I’d run if your home wasn’t as perfect as mine.”

  “No. I didn’t want to share this with anyone. It’s Mum’s choice to make. She’s…” He sighed heavily. “Mum has everything you can imagine wrong in her head. She’s suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, and her bipolar is getting worse despite the medication she’s on. She has no self-worth. She barely eats, drinks, and she never sleeps. She always looks so scared, like something is lurking in the shadows, ready to eat her alive, rip her to shreds and let her bleed the fuck out. Mum’s protective of me. Of the family. I’m the eldest of her sons, so…”

  “You want to make all her wrongs right?”

  “I want to destroy anything that fucking hurts her, Lil. Anything. And the fucked-up thing is, is that that means I want to destroy her some days, too. I can’t fight the demons in her head. I can’t fight anything that I need to fight in order to help her.”

  All the mysteries I’d had about Toby Hunter were falling into place, revealing who he was and why he often behaved the way he did. Why he was so protective and kind most of the time. Why he was so wild and strong when he had to be.

  “I want to kill anything that hurts whoever I love, but I’m tired, and I’m tied down. I’m strapped in. I can’t do shit to help her or save her, except be there for her.”

  “You have no idea how much power you give to people by just being there. To your mum. To me…”

  “It’s not enough.”

  “It’s everything,” I whispered against his lips.

  Toby reached out to hold my waist, and when he touched me, I realised his fingertips were trembling.

  “I love you,” I reminded him because now I’d said it once I could say it every minute of every day and not fear him hating the way it sounded because he loved me in return. “I’m always here for you. You never have to be scared or alone.”

  When his mouth met mine, I gave Toby what he didn’t even know he needed.

  I gave him an escape and a way out of his misery. I gave him my love, my body, my heart. I gave him happiness. He told me so. He kissed it to me as I broke through his pain.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Toby

  I climbed through her window most nights after that, but when she wanted to spend time in my room, I let her now. I held her tight and prayed my mother could keep her shit together.

  Christmas was two weeks away, and I had an early gift to give to my girl, which I planned on giving later that night after my shift at work. I would open her window, climb inside, crawl onto her bed and settle down next to her sleeping body. Then I’d whisper in her ear that she had to wake up early the next morning and pack a bag. I didn’t have much money, and we weren’t going far, but I was taking her on that trip she wanted to go on. It was only for a night, a few miles farther south on the East Coast, but it was a start.

  At least, that was the plan, but Lilac surprised me that Friday evening at work, and as soon as I pushed through the swinging door of the kitchen and made my way into the densely crowded bar, I felt her presence. I looked up, my smile coming to life when two men in front of me moved and she came into view. Her delicate little chin rested on the fist of her hand as she eyed me seductively from across the room. I pushed past the people in my way, eventually dropping my hands onto her table and leaning over so only she could hear me.

  “You were meant to be waiting for me in bed.”

  “You were meant to be rushing home,” she answered, her chin not leaving her hand.

  “I’ve only been here an hour.”

  “An hour too long.”

  “Getting addicted to me, Lil?”

  “Beyond addicted. I’m beyond help.” She pouted and fluttered her lashes.

  I brought my finger up to her lip and ran the pad of it over her mouth. “You’re not allowed to sulk in December. Or make demands. Santa is watching.”

&nbs
p; “Santa can watch all he wants. I already have everything I need.”

  “Ugh…” came a loud groan of disgust. I straightened up to find Cheryl slipping into the seat opposite Lilac. Her hair was short and wild, her eyes coloured in huge, jade coloured sparkly eyeshadow while the blackest of black eyeliner framed her lashes. “You two make me wanna puke. You know that? I already have everything I need. Nausea, vomit, rising, projectile, everywhere.”

  “Nice to see you too, Cheryl,” I laughed.

  “Yeah, yeah. Toby, get me a drink, will you? I’m so thirsty, and the queue is long.” She exhaled dramatically.

  I glanced back at the bar and frowned. “Three people are waiting.”

  “Three people too many.”

  “Sorry. I can’t help you. I’m not allowed to serve until I’m eighteen. Caleb rules.”

  “Motherfuck—”

  “I’ll go,” Lilac cut in, standing up and pushing me back towards the bar, whispering in my ear. “You get finished with work as soon as you can. Hurry home.”

  Home.

  She made it sound like we lived together.

  At seventeen, I was pretty sure I should have been freaking out instead of smiling.

  “Careful, you two,” Cheryl called out. “The rest of us will start thinking you’ve both forgotten anyone else exists but each other.”

  “Who said that?” Lilac shot back over her shoulder.

  “Damn. You’re right. I do need to finish work quickly. You’re feisty tonight,” I groaned.

  I made my way behind the bar, nudging Caleb and pointing at Lilac.

  “Will that be a soft drink?” Caleb asked, eyeing her with amusement.

  “Of course. I’m not here to break the law.” Lilac leaned over the bar and glanced at Duke.

  “Lilac, this is Duke. My friend I told you about,” I introduced them.

  Her entire face lit up like a sparkly, star-filled sky. “The elf!”

  Duke almost choked on his bitter. “The what now?”

  I laughed with her, shaking my head while Duke looked between us both with confusion. “I’ll explain later, Dukey.”

  “I’m not sure I want to know,” he grumbled, unable to shake his smile or take his eyes off Lilac. “Nice to meet you, Lilac. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Yeah?” She beamed.

  “He’s a good lad, our Toby.”

  “The best.” Lilac looked at me with love-struck eyes.

  I watched as Caleb served her soft drinks and crisps, and I watched her as she went to sit back down. I watched the way she kept glancing at me, and I watched the way Cheryl leaned in to discuss me with her friend.

  “Oh, boy. You’re in trouble,” Duke whispered against his glass when I was wiping down the bar.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Trouble with a capital T and a whole lot of rouble on the end.”

  I grinned at him, picking up his glass and wiping underneath it, keeping my eyes on him. “Good job I’m not scared of a good thing.”

  The night wore on. Having her around made work feel like anything but work. Just one small smile from her across the room had me moving faster, reacting to empty glasses quicker, and wanting to leave the pub sparkling clean so I had no excuse to stick around.

  Until Joel and Joel’s dad sauntered in, side by side, looking like two small-town sheriffs with a big arse attitude.

  I tensed immediately, my eyes following Joel around the small pub. Having him in the same breathing space as Lilac set that fire aflame in the pit of my stomach. The memories of him touching her brought on an instant red mist of rage. I couldn’t look away as I continued to wipe down the same spot on the bar over and over again, standing there, glaring holes into the side of his head. If I could have burned that motherfucker alive, I would have done.

  Caleb moved closer to where Joel’s dad had settled at the bar and removed his winter hat, giving Caleb a nod in greeting. He wore his arrogance comfortably, with no shame.

  “It ain’t like Sole Bay is the only pub in this small town,” Duke muttered. “And that kid and his father have to find his way into this one every damn time.”

  I wanted to answer him, but I was scared of what would come out of my mouth, so I dropped my head and continued to work. I couldn’t look up to find Lilac until I’d calmed down—she didn’t need to see my sudden anger. I couldn’t do anything but collect those empty glasses and wipe away other people’s shit, despite being tense and alert.

  Joel’s dad’s laughter tore through the pub. Most of the locals seemed to respect him, but there was something about the guy I despised, and it had nothing at all to do with the threats he’d made to me while I was under his arrest. I was pretty sure it because he was responsible for creating the devil spawn that was Joel.

  A hand on my bicep had me tensing.

  Lilac’s red hair and penetrating amber eyes were waiting for me when I turned.

  “They’re just two guys,” she said with a carefree shrug. “Don’t you forget who you are while they’re here.”

  She placed a chaste kiss on my cheek and walked away. I turned to watch her leave, and only when she passed through the ladies’ toilet door did I sigh with relief.

  I walked around the space, picking up empty glasses to keep my hands full, and made my way over to Cheryl who was currently staring daggers of death into the back of Joel’s head.

  “Keep her away from him,” I warned her as I pretended to lean over their table and clean something that didn’t need cleaning.

  “If he knows what’s good for him, he won’t move an inch closer.”

  “If he knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t be here.”

  “Breathe, Toby. You’re going purple.”

  “Right.” I exhaled again.

  “She’s not as fragile as you think she is.”

  “I don’t want to test that theory.” Turning away, I left Cheryl alone, slipping behind the other end of the bar, far away from Joel and his dad. Then I leaned against the wall, watching the entire place like I was the security.

  It was some time after ten when Lilac and Cheryl got up to leave, and even though I knew my eyes should have been on my girl, they stayed firmly fixed on Joel as he spun on the seat of his stool and watched her walking through the pub. He didn’t even try to hide the way he tilted his head to one side and studied her arse from behind. He made no effort to hide his smirk.

  “I’ll see you in bed later?” Lilac placed her hand on my tensed forearm, making me jump. “Toby?”

  My jaw twitched, and my nostrils flared as I tried to smile, giving her a sharp nod. “Yeah. Sorry. Later.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  She seemed to take a moment to study me before she squeezed my arm and rose on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

  I side-eyed Joel from across the room and saw him shake his head as he watched Lilac kiss me.

  What else could I do but give her my full attention? My hands landed on her hips, pulling her closer, and my lips met hers with a rough, claiming kiss. When she pulled away, her eyes remained closed.

  “Toby…”

  “I know,” I began to smile.

  She shook her head and looked up at me. “Don’t ever kiss me like that again just to piss someone else off.”

  “Wait. Lilac, I—”

  “See you at home.”

  Before I could explain myself to her or apologise, she was gone, and I was left feeling cold and stupid for allowing some little idiot to affect me.

  Gritting my teeth, I got back to work and began to clear up for the night.

  “You almost done?” Caleb asked as I picked up the last pieces of rubbish that had been left behind.

  “Yep.”

  I didn’t look at him. I kept on working. Fast. Angry. Irritated.

  “What’s wrong, Hunter?”

  “Not a thing.”

  “Right.” Caleb sighed somewhere behind me while I manically rubbed
down the surface of an old mahogany table top. “Get yourself out of here. See you next week.”

  With a slap on my back, he’d turned to leave, and I wasn’t far behind him. I collected my bomber jacket from the staff room and made my way outside, zipping it up to the neck and pushing my hands deep into the pockets of it the second the ice-cold December sea breeze smacked me in the face like a spade

  “Jesus,” I muttered, shivering in my coat and burying my chin deeper into it.

  Just think how cosy you’ll be when you get in bed with her, I reminded myself.

  It almost made me warm as I stepped around the corner of the street and began the short journey back to her house.

  “Remind me, Toby,” called a familiar voice.

  Joel and his dad were sitting on the small brick wall overlooking the beach from high above when I glanced up. Little and large, old and young. Dumb and fucking dumber.

  My hands balled into fists inside my pockets.

  “Remind you of what?”

  “Your mother’s name… what is it, again?” Joel’s dad asked, his chin rising as he stared off into the distance and narrowed his eyes.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Your mother.” He turned my way. “Her name?”

  “Darlene.”

  “That’s right.” He nodded. “Darlene Hunter.” He tried to suppress his smile, but I saw the twitch of his cold, hard lips before he corrected himself. “I remember her. And your father is…?”

  “I’m sure you know already everything about him, so you can quit playing your games.”

  Joel’s dad’s grin broke free without restraint. “Right,” he purred. “I’m sure I do. But let’s answer the question for the sake of our manners, yes? Assuming your mother taught you manners, Mr… Hunter?”

  I wanted to unleash hell on his face and then do the same to his smirking, cocky, arrogant son sitting beside him, shivering from the cold temperatures, yet laughing from the interrogation I was under.

  “My father’s name is Wayne,” I answered through gritted teeth.

  “Wayne.” Joel’s dad nodded. “That’s right. I remember him very well.”

  “Anyone else? Grandparents? Aunties? Uncles?”