A Girl Like Lilac

by Victoria L. James

  “I just had to hear you say it.”

  “I know how hard this is on you.”

  “No, you don’t. No one does,” I choked, quickly clearing my throat and subsiding the tears. “I think about you every single second I’m awake, Toby. I think about you in ways that no one has ever dreamt of or imagined before. I want you now more than ever.”

  “And I bet it’s still not even close to how much I want you.”

  “I can’t believe you’re talking to me, saying those things. Is this real?”

  “I’m here, Lil…”

  “Why now? I thought… you said we couldn’t…”

  “I’m calling to wish you a happy birthday.”

  I scowled, heart banging against my chest like a drumbeat. “It’s not my birthday.”

  “I know.” He huffed out a weak laugh. “But I’ve missed two already. That one might help you get through the next few without me.”

  “The next few? You can’t call me again?”

  “I want to. Every day. I hope you know that.”

  “Then why can’t you?”

  “You know why.”

  “Why today? Why at all?”

  “I’ve missed you and your questions.” He smiled again. I imagined him baring his teeth, the crinkling of happiness around his eyes, his strong jaw and the purest blues staring back at me. “Mum told me what you did with Joel last night.”

  “Oh.”

  “She’s told me all the things you’ve done while I’ve been inside. Everyone you’ve stood up to. Every fire you’ve put out. Everything you and Duke have done to clear my name. But when she told me you’d been alone with Joel again, I had to talk to you. I had to tell you—”

  “Don’t,” I interrupted quietly but firmly, pushing myself up from my seat to pace around the garden. My nervous energy was soaring, making it impossible to sit anymore. “Just don’t, okay? Don’t you dare tell me not to put myself in a dangerous position. Don’t you give me more rules to live by that I don’t want or need. Don’t you dare issue me with a list of possibilities that could have gone wrong with Joel, Toby Hunter, because I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to hear any of it. I’ve coped for so long without you. I’m more capable than you think. Joel doesn’t scare me anymore. I’m not fifteen again, and this is not some kind of childish prom. This is real, adult life now. I’ve grown. I’ve had to, and I will stand up to him, his father, and the whole damn police force if I have to. I’ll take down every single person in Southwold who tries to press me and whisper your name like it’s a bad shadow they want to bury in the sand. I miss you every bloody day, and it kills me sometimes to wake up and know it could be years and years and years until I see you again because you made decisions I didn’t agree with. So… don’t. Don’t lecture me. If Joel comes back, I’ll do whatever I need to do, but you know one thing: I am not scared of him anymore, so don’t you be scared for me on my behalf. The only thing I’m terrified of is never seeing you again.”

  That silence lingered again—sitting between us like a wall only he could see over.

  “If you’d have let me finish…” he whispered, “you’d have heard me say that I had to tell you how damn proud I am of you, how strong you are, and how I’m doing everything—everything—within my power and capabilities to get out sooner so I can be with you again.”

  “Oh.”

  The tension leaked from my body, deflating my shoulders and pushing out all the anger I’d unknowingly forced into my spine.

  “Oh,” I repeated, nodding my head with enthusiasm. “Good. That’s…”

  “Good,” he finished. “Goddamn it, I love you, Lilac Clarke.” He laughed. “Every single little thing about you.”

  I pressed my free hand to my forehead, scrunched my face up and let the weight of his words smack me square in the chest. “I love you, too, Toby.”

  Where his voice was firm, yet light, mine was broken and weary.

  I hadn’t known how tired I’d been until he came along and held me from a distance again.

  His love softened me, even from so far away.

  His words melted my body, making me feel warm when I’d been cold and lonely for so long.

  “I really love you,” I added.

  “Soon, Lil. I’ll be home soon...”

  Three beeps echoed down the line before it went dead, his voice disappearing down a tunnel without warning.

  “Make it sooner,” I whispered to no one.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Lilac Again

  TWO YEARS AFTER THAT

  Darlene looked at me from the corner of her eyes. Physically, she’d aged a lot in just under five years, but her growth, therapy, and family had made her happier and brighter, allowing her youthful personality to return. I couldn’t wait for the day Toby got to see her like this; free, out in the open air, with the wind blowing on her face and her smile reaching up to her eyes.

  “You ready?” I asked her.

  “Are you?”

  “It’s the last thing we have left to do.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  I turned to look at the end of the empty pier. It was barely touching 5:30 a.m. and the sky was already blazing with a bright ball of blinding sunshine, the blue above lighting up the beach and the ocean perfectly. This place should have made me shiver with dread and fear, but it was hard for me to hate the spot that had brought so much tragedy into my life when it was also the very spot where Toby had kissed me at sunrise. It’s easier to focus on the bad. I knew that. But I saw no point in doing so anymore. The worst had already happened. I’d lived thousands of days without my first love—my one true love—and if I could survive that, I could survive anything. Even the memory of Chris’s death.

  “I’m ready,” I told her, barely moving my mouth to speak.

  Darlene’s hand reached out to find mine, and her fingers curled into my skin tightly before the two of us walked to the very edge of the pier. On the flat surface of the railing, we’d had two small metal plaques engraved and placed there. Darlene took a second to find them sitting side by side, her finger tracing over the first one when she looked up at me and smiled.

  “I believe this one’s yours.”

  I walked over to her and followed her gaze, looking down at the one word that shone back at me under the glistening morning light.

  Magic

  “Toby Hunter.”

  “Are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “A hunter?”

  “No.”

  “Have you ever tried to be?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “What would I hunt?”

  “Magic.”

  “It’s perfect,” I said with a smile.

  “He’ll love it, Lilac.”

  I nodded to no one but myself, unable to believe that he’d get to be here with me one day. The two of us would stand in this very spot, reminisce about everything good, realise that everything bad was out of our control, and then we’d live the rest of our lives together with nothing in our minds but innocence and hope. I had to believe we could still have that, even as adults. Even after losing the most precious thing we’re ever gifted with—time.

  A tear slipped down my cheek, but Darlene reached up to wipe it away before I could.

  “Little one snuck out there,” she whispered, running her thumb over my cheek. “Not long now, sweetheart.”

  “Another second is too long, Darlene.”

  “I know.”

  I rolled my eyes at myself and shook off the self-pity. It wasn’t allowed in my mind or my bones anymore. It never would be again.

  “Your plaque looks pretty, too.” Leaning over mine, I read the word out loud. “Freedom.”

  “A plaque for us all.” She held onto the railing with both hands, pulling her body flush against it as she looked out into the sea. “Freedom from the past. Freedom from the pain. Freedom from the what-ifs, sins, and mistakes.”

  I turned to th
e railing, too, pushing the hair out of my face as I watched the waves below us. “Freedom from regret.”

  “Freedom from the guilt of doing what we had to do to survive.”

  “I’m sorry for what I did to you, Chris,” I whispered into the breeze.

  Darlene sighed softly. “I’m sorry what I did to you, too, Mr Leighton. I’m sorry I took your life without meaning to. I’m sorry I let that horrible man use you as a means to keep me quiet for so long. I’m sorry I was weak and troubled and scared. I’m sorry I’ve not had the guts, even now, to confess. I’m sorry my sorries mean nothing to you, but I have to let you go now. I have to try and live for my babies, for my patient husband, for the son I was unknowingly creating when I hurt you.”

  “Mr Leighton wasn’t a nice man, Darlene. All that digging we did told us that.”

  “It doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to rest in peace.”

  “But they said he beat up his ex-wife for forty years. They say he tormented his children daily. Nobody went looking for him. Everyone he knew who should have cared for him hoped he’d died a long time before he did.”

  “He still didn’t deserve to die alone.”

  “No. No one deserves that.”

  “I choose to honour him in my own way, bad man or not. God will have already decided his fate. All I can do is hope he takes pity on me when I ask him to decide mine.”

  “I think you’re safe. You’re a beautiful soul.”

  “And you are the kindest woman I know. I’m so lucky to have you in my life now.”

  My head fell to her shoulder, and the two of us stayed silent as we let the ocean catch our truths and mistakes, wrap them up in its waves, and whisk them away to the horizon far, far away.

  “Lilac?”

  “Yes, Darlene?”

  “Thank you for being the best thing to ever happen to our family.”

  I smiled softly, closed my eyes, and waited for my final day and night without Toby to pass.

  THRITY-SIX

  Lilac

  “Stop pacing.”

  “I’m not pacing.”

  “You are. I can tell.”

  “How?”

  Cheryl groaned down the phone, a telltale sign that she’d also be rolling her eyes.

  “Fine,” I huffed. “I’m pacing.”

  “I don’t even know why you try to lie to me.”

  “It’s more that I’m trying to lie to myself, Cher.”

  “Baby girl, you have got this. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The moment you’ve dreamed about for four and a half long and torturous years.”

  Nausea rumbled like a sick lion in the pit of my stomach. I’d barely eaten anything for days. Barely slept. Barely done anything but read and listen to music to pass the time. In the last few years, I’d started running, mainly out of boredom and a need to escape the misery of missing him, but not even pounding the streets had worked to calm my nerves over the last few days. The pictures I’d taken to capture the beauty of Southwold couldn’t even make me calm anymore. I was on edge, fighting to breathe.

  Toby was out on parole today.

  Now, actually. He’d already be free. I imagined the prison doors opening and him making his way to his parents who were waiting outside the prison for him with an overdue embrace, and a few tears shed.

  Now, here I was, pacing like a caged animal, torn between wishing he’d hurry up and get to me to wishing he’d give me just another hour to prepare myself.

  “Lilac, are you even breathing right now.”

  My free hand pressed into my stomach, and I blew out a long, shaky breath. “Trying to.”

  “I knew I should have got in the car and come to you today.”

  “I’m not scared. I’m just…”

  “Feel like you’re about to lose your virginity all over again?”

  I could always count on my best friend to cut through the tension and make me laugh. “God, I hope I am.”

  “You’re the prettiest celibate twenty-something year old I know. Lord help the neighbours who have to listen to the ecstatic cries of you two making up for lost time.” She giggled roughly.

  “I’m going now.” I chuckled in response. “Goodbye. Don’t wait for me to call. I’m planning on being very busy. Don’t even bother to text.”

  “You little nympho.”

  “Love you.” I smiled.

  “Love you, too.” I was just about to hang up when she called my name and forced the phone back to my ear. “And, Lilac, I’m so happy for you right now, I might cry. Go, chase the sunset with your man.”

  “Thank you, Cher. Thanks for everything.”

  We said our goodbyes one last time, and I dropped my phone into my jacket pocket. My hands were shaking, and I couldn’t stop pacing back and forth no matter how hard I tried. Would Toby still fancy me? Would the years have altered me too much? My legs were firmer now, my arms and shoulders strong from holding myself up for so long. My hair was down to my waist, and the years had made it a shade darker, crossing over to a burning orange that made me look like I had a halo hovering above when the sunlight hit it just right. My waist was smaller, my breasts more prominent. I’d grown, and so had he. I couldn’t wait to see him up close and brand new.

  Just the thought had me running my palms over my calf-length flowery summer dress. It flowed out from the waist and hugged my entire upper body, with thin straps hidden beneath my denim jacket. I’d kept my face makeup-free, apart from a small dab of balm to my lips.

  The ocean taunted me, every wave crashing against the sand sounding like a battle cry, building my adrenaline up to get me through this.

  “Why am I so nervous?” I whispered to myself as I shook out my hands.

  Because you love him, but part of you wants to slap him for leaving you, and part of you wants to hug him for coming home. You’re just not sure which one is going to win.

  I scrubbed my face with my hands, collected a breath, and then reached out to hold onto the wooden railing on the small porch of the beach hut. Our beach hut. I’d not let myself go inside in all the years we’d been apart—not until that morning when I’d gone down to open up the doors and clean the place up. It never felt right being there without Toby.

  I wondered how much longer I’d have to wait.

  The minutes ticked on by, and I lost track of time completely.

  People passed—dog walkers, families, workers, all leaving the beach for another day as the sun began to set—but I kept my eyes closed until I could no longer stop them from opening slowly.

  Until I felt him nearby—somewhere among the crowds.

  The butterflies in my stomach soared, rising high and crashing into the walls of my chest all at once when they saw the very thing they’d been waiting almost five years to see.

  Toby was walking towards me.

  My Toby…

  The same one I’d watched be taken away with his hands tied behind his back, now so very, very different as he strode closer, freer than he’d ever been.

  The breeze blew my hair across my face, and I quickly pushed it away, blinking rapidly to clear my vision and see him there, too scared he was going to disappear like a mirage if I became careless.

  He was still there, wearing dark jeans and a crisp, white, collared T-shirt, and dark trainers. He was real.

  Taller. Stronger. My god, so strong. So big and muscly, his stride confident, yet shy. His head down, and his black hair falling forward. It was short on the sides, almost scalped, but the top of it had been left to grow longer, making him look far too styled and groomed for someone who had just been released from prison.

  He looked clean and fresh like someone I wanted to bury my face into and never look away from.

  Tears welled in my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away, taking small, tentative strides to the top of the porch steps, waiting until he looked up.

  When he did—when he lifted his head, and I saw his blue eyes shining from behind those black-rimmed glasses of his—m
y beating heart exploded. It opened itself up, set itself free, and went off like a firework in the sky, the sheer sight of him was powerful enough to make me want to drop to my knees.

  His slow, seductive smile was set free, and the minute our eyes locked, our absence from each other’s lives became nothing but history. The two ends of our connection tugged at one another, drawing us closer until he was walking faster, his strides longer and more determined, the muscles under his T-shirt flexing as this new version of the man I loved came to life in front of me.

  I’d barely made it to the bottom step when he was there, too, but then he stopped suddenly, making the foot of distance between us seem like he was half a world away.

  My god, he was beautiful. More beautiful as a man than I could ever have dreamed he’d grow up to be. The strength he carried poured from him, shining like a suit of armour. His neck was thick, his shoulders proud, his jaw firm and raised as he did nothing more than looked at me. I stared up into his eyes, searching his face like I’d never seen an inch of it before. My fingers flexed down by my thighs, itching to touch him, desperate to feel his skin beneath their grip.

  Toby’s gaze drifted down to my feet before slowly rising all the way back up again, and I found myself inhaling sharply before releasing a shaky breath between us.

  “You look like a man who’s been to war,” I whispered.

  His eyes locked on mine: unwavering and bewitching. “You were worth every second of it.”

  Then he moved, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me impossibly close while his other hand gripped my face and guided my lips to his.

  It was the kiss to beat all kisses.

  Toby’s soft lips took control, hard and pressing, yet somehow delicate enough to promise so much more once we were alone, and it was the first time since he left me that I allowed myself to melt.

  To crumble.

  To soften and give in.

  Because in his arms I was strong even when I was weak. I was safe even when I was vulnerable. In his arms, I was home, and the world was impossibly bright, even as the sun began to set behind us.