Playing with Fire (Ecstasy, Colorado)

by Jenika Snow

  “Tell me, you fucking little brat!” Spittle ran down his chin, and she had no doubt the majority of that was alcohol. “Your mama owes me some money, and I intend to collect.”

  The only thing her mother owed her dad was a swift kick to his balls. The dirt bag took every dime her mother brought home from the church flea markets and bake sales. It was hard enough supporting just the two of them on the little money Jane made working at the drive-in on the weekends and after school, but when her father took her mother’s paycheck, he was hurting them when he wasn’t even around.

  Jane’s bottom hit the end table, and she reached back to steady herself. He had yet to let go of her arm, and she felt her hand tingle from the constricted blood flow. Her hand brushed against the base of the lamp, and she grabbed it. If she didn’t get away, there might never be a next time for her. Swinging her arm out, she slammed the base against the side of his head. For a moment, all he did was blink down at her and then a line of blood started to make a path down his temple. Bile rose in her throat, and she dropped the lamp. Oh God. What have I done? His grip loosened right before he slumped to his knees, his hands going to his head. He started making incoherent noises before looking back up to her.

  “You’re going to wish you never did that, Jane.”

  Her heart was beating frantically, and she took off. That was not her father, not anymore. He was cruel and evil, and she couldn’t take it anymore. Running as fast as her legs would carry her, she went to the only two people she ever went to when shit hit the fan. She knew her mother would be okay for a long while, so her safety wasn’t a concern at the moment. Her father wouldn’t know where to look for her, and even if he did find her, he wouldn’t instigate anything in front of others. He was a drunk, but he was a smart drunk.

  Mark Henry’s house was only about a mile down the road, not in the wealthy part of town certainly but not in the rundown ghetto part where she resided. She had no shoes on, and her feet were already cut up, but she had to keep running, had to get away. She had to get to Rys and William.

  ****

  Jane sat up with her heart in her throat and sweat coating her body. The dream was intense and so very realistic. She could still smell her father’s liquor-laced breath. She had fallen asleep after she had sex with Rys and William. Oh God. I slept with Rys and William. Through the window, she could see the sun sinking. How long had she slept? William and Rys were on either side of her. The only thing covering them was the thin sheet draped over their waists. Thank God she hadn’t woken them. She didn’t want to recap the dream. True, she had found them that night at Mark’s field party and had told them everything. They had been livid over it, and there was nothing she could do when they stormed over to her house, intent on kicking the shit out of her father. The only other time she had confessed what her father had done, they were far too young to understand the severity of it. She hadn’t even realized how awful it had been. For years she thought that was how things were supposed to be. Well, until she saw how happy the other children were and how they never seemed to have marks on them or be in pain.

  It wasn’t like Rys and William ever saw her naked or could see the bruises, and when she was in a bathing suit, she always made sure the bruises had already faded. Her dad never hit her or her mother where people could see. Shit, she had told them so much about herself, about her fears and dreams. They had spent hours upon hours talking about their aspirations, but she had also lied. They were the only people she had really spoken to about the abuse. Well, parts of it, and even then she hadn’t been honest with them. She was a fraud and a horrible friend. If she had just been totally honest, told them everything, maybe things would have been different. Maybe the abuse would have stopped years ago. There was so much she hadn’t told them about her father and what he did. They would think she was a disgusting, vile creature if they knew the truth. She had made them believe the violence had stopped. Well, up until that night, but it didn’t matter anyway, because when they had gotten back to her house, her father was gone. He hadn’t come back in eight years. They had been the happiest eight years of her life, despite the looks and whispers behind her back she got from the townies.

  She looked at the clock, saw that it was going on six. How in the hell had she slept that long? After looking at both men again, she knew the answer. They had worn her out. A smile curved her lips, but it was misplaced. She needed to get out of here to sort through her thoughts and emotions. Oh, it would piss them off when they woke and saw she was gone, but with her dream still fresh in her mind and the remembered pain of what her father inflicted on her, her emotions were too raw and open. She just needed to leave and get her thoughts together.

  Slipping from the bed in the stealthiest moves she could muster, she searched the floor for her clothes. Without bothering to put on her bikini again, she slipped her top and shorts on. Bikini hanging from her fingers, she tiptoed toward the door, but before she could grab the handle, a big warm hand landed on her shoulder. Her heart pounded, and she briefly closed her eyes. Turning around, she looked into William’s confused blue eyes. He was completely naked, and she couldn’t help the blush that she felt rising to her cheeks.

  “Where are you going, Janey?” William’s voice was low, and she glanced at the bed. Rys was on his stomach with one leg hanging over the edge of the bed. The sheet was bunched around his waist, and the hard and wide expanse of his back was exposed. She could see the steady rise and fall of his chest and prayed he stayed asleep. She couldn’t deal with him right now, not when he would demand her complete honesty. William, on the other hand, would be appeased with any information she gave him, even if it was minute. At least, she hoped.

  “I have to go, William.” She cast her gaze down, unable to look him in the eye. She wanted to tell both of them everything, but the fact that she knew they would look at her differently was too much to stomach. She could imagine that everything would be okay, that they were understanding, had been for as long as she knew them. She wanted to tell them there had been no secrets between them, but that was a big fat lie.

  “Janey.” Her name from his lips sounded almost sad, and she looked back at him. “You don’t have to escape. Let’s talk about this.” He ran a hand over his hair, the muscles in his bicep bunching from the movement. Even now that she was running, she couldn’t help the arousal that settled inside of her at the sight of him. He was just so beautiful. They both were. He looked at the bed before turning back to her. “Let’s just talk, sweetheart.” At her silence he whispered, “Please.” How in the hell could she say no to that?

  She sighed and nodded. She heard him exhale loudly before turning and picking up his trunks on the floor. When he was dressed, he led them out of the room quietly. At least he knew she couldn’t talk to Rys about this. She didn’t even know if she could talk to William about it. Rys would be able to draw the confession from her. They walked outside to the front porch. It was still stifling out, but with the sun setting, the night would soon cool considerably. They sat side by side on the swing and looked out on the twenty-five acres the twins owned. Their property and home were beautiful. They had built the two-story cabin two years ago on the property that their parents had owned. When Margi and Clive Holden had died five years ago in a car accident, she had never seen Rys and William look so lost. They had spent months together, doing nothing but walking around this property. It wasn’t like they had never seen the property before. They had been working on it with their parents since they could walk. She knew they wanted to see every square inch of it, to have the memories of their parents again. They had always known this would be their land someday, but they hadn’t expected to inherit it at such a young age.

  There was a small pond in the farthest part of the property surrounded by thick trees. She had never seen the twins cry, not even when the sheriff had told them about the accident, but when they had come across the pond that day, both of them had burst into tears. The flowers that their mama had planted the previou
s fall had just started coming into bloom. Hard, wracking sobs had overtaken both of them, bringing them to their knees right in front of those flowers. She had been helpless as she watched their big bodies hunch over, their pain washing through them and shaking their whole bodies. It had only taken her a moment before she went to them. They had immediately wrapped their arms around her, and the three of them had cried. They had cried until the sun had set and the night chill had washed through them. That had been the one and only time she had seen them show their pain.

  “It’s so beautiful here.” Jane brought her feet beneath her bottom and watched the wind sway the leaves of the trees. Even though she had just slept with her best friends, there was no discomfort sitting beside William. There was a peace inside of her. It was freeing.

  “Yeah. It takes your breath away.” The way he said it had her turning toward him. Her breath hitched at the expression on William’s face. He cupped her cheek. “I just love you so damn much, Janey.” Tears welled in her eyes at the almost desperation in his voice. She knew why he sounded like that, why he was looking at her like he was about to lose her. He thought what they had done had ruined everything, and although initially she had feared that, sitting beside him on their property, looking at his face, she knew that what she had with Rys and William could never be broken.

  Chapter Ten

  “Have we ruined everything, Janey? Did we push you too far, too hard?” Jane looked over at William. He took her hand in his and held it in his lap. She smiled at him.

  “Nothing is ruined, William. I wanted to do it just as much as you two.” The sound of crickets singing in the distance filled the silence.

  “Are things weird for you now?”

  It was strange having this conversation with him. An after-sex talk was not what she envisioned having right after sleeping with William and Rys. She felt the same emotions and, surprisingly, she didn’t feel the discomfort that she was positive she would feel afterwards. The shame and fear that things were different didn’t surface.

  “No, William, everything is fine. I feel fine.” Tightening her hold on his hand, she rested her head on his shoulder. “I still love both of you guys more than anything.” Closing her eyes, she pulled up the strength inside of her. She needed to talk to someone about what really happened, and William would let her talk and comfort her. “William?”

  “Yeah, sweetheart?” His thumb was drawing lazy circles on the back of her hand. She watched a butterfly land on one of the red roses lining the porch. It was a beautiful shade of blue, and just as quickly as it had landed, it was gone. Sometimes she wished she could be gone like that. Sometimes she wished she could flit to different places without a care in the world. She wanted her past to disappear. She wanted to make sure her mom was safe and run away with Rys and William.

  “Let’s run away together, just the three of us. Let’s put everything behind us.” She felt him kiss the top of her head.

  “We’d go anywhere with you, Janey. There isn’t a place on this planet that you could go, and we wouldn’t be right there with you.”

  They silently watched their surroundings. It was peaceful and serene and, for just a moment, she imagined that this was her life. She could picture the guys coming home, coming home to her. They would laugh and touch and they wouldn’t have a care in the world. There would be no death, no pain. Her mama would be happy and they would all eat dinner together every Sunday. It would only be smiles all the time because there had been enough heartache in their lives to last an eternity.

  “My father didn’t just hit me.” Taking a steadying breath, she continued, “He raped me when I was thirteen.” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could sensor them. William tensed beside her, and his hand tightened almost painfully around hers. Although it hurt like hell to finally say it aloud, the relief she instantly felt at getting it off her chest was immense.

  “Janey—”

  She shook her head and exhaled. There was so much emotion in her name when he said it that her chest ached. She needed to tell him, both of them, finally. “No, William. Please let me get it all out.” He didn’t say anything and she continued, “It was that one and only time. He came home drunk, like usual. Mom was already asleep and so was I, but I woke up when I heard him stumble up the stairs.” She closed her eyes as the memory washed through her. She had blocked it out because it hurt too damn bad. “I could see his shadow through the crack at the bottom of the door. He had come in and I thought he would hit me, but he was so quiet, William, so damn quiet as he closed the door behind him.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks, but she didn’t brush them away. She hadn’t cried over that night in twelve years. It felt good.

  “I could smell the alcohol all the way from the doorway. My eyes were adjusted to the dark, and I could see him stumble forward. I didn’t move, Will, didn’t even breathe in hopes that he wouldn’t bother me. In the end, it didn’t matter, though.”

  “Oh, Janey.My sweet, sweet darling.” He pulled her into his lap and held her tight. He stroked her hair and let her cry into his chest.

  “I didn’t even make a sound, Will.” Clutching his shirt, she felt the self-disgust and hatred slam into her. “I just wanted it to end, Will, so damn bad. When he was finished, I threw up.” She laughed bitterly. “I didn’t even bother cleaning myself up. Mom found me like that in the morning, covered in my own vomit.” Shaking her head, she pushed away from his chest and stared into his worried blue eyes. “He didn’t even remember doing it, Will.” He brushed a tear away from her cheek and brushed his lips across hers.

  “Why didn’t you tell us, sweetheart? We would have taken care of you.”

  She knew he meant well, but what would two thirteen-year-old boys do to a grown man? Her father was vile and getting them involved was the last thing she wanted.

  “I didn’t tell anyone, not even Mom. I was afraid that if I told anyone, they would think it was my fault, that I had done something to provoke him.”

  “Janey.” The firmness in his voice was startling. “You have done nothing wrong. Charles Silver was a piece of shit and if we ever saw him, we wouldn’t hesitate to…” He didn’t finish his sentence, and she shivered at the dark meaning behind it.

  “I don’t want my past to define who I am. I slept with that boy when I was seventeen because I wanted the memory of what my father did to me out of my head. I just wish it had been you and Rys that had erased that memory sooner.”

  “Me too, Janey.God, me too.” He stroked her face gently. The anguish in his face was tangible.

  “I’ve taken these years to come to terms with what happened. I’m okay.” She was, for the most part, but then she had the damn dreams, and they opened up her wounds once again. “I led you two to think that everything had gotten better, that the beatings had stopped. Obviously it was a lie, but I didn’t want you and Rys rushing to my defense. I didn’t know where else to go that night I came to you and Rys at the field party. When I ran out of the house, you two were the only ones I wanted to go to. I love you two so much.”

  William slanted his mouth on hers, and she let him because she needed a distraction from the disgusting memories that assaulted her. She turned in his lap and straddled his hips, deepening the kiss. His arms were like steel bands around her, and she relished the idea that this was one of the two men she loved. He was here holding her, comforting her, and it made her cry harder. The taste of her salty tears mixing with their kiss was an explosive sensation. At that moment she felt unburdened by the weight of her past. All she wanted to do was kiss William until it all disappeared into nothingness.

  Pressing her mouth harder against his, she let all her desperation and fear pour out of her and wash away with the wind. William yielded to her, letting her take from him because he knew she was hurting. He was her sweet William, always giving and never taking. Breaking the kiss, she rested her forehead against his and panted. They sat like that for several long, surprisingly comfortable minutes. Lifting her he
ad, she smiled at him and ran the tip of her finger between his eyes.

  “You and Rys are too good to me.” He opened his mouth to respond, but the sound of something breaking in the house had her looking toward the front door.

  “What the hell was that?” William helped her off of him and took her hand as he started toward the door. They stepped inside and heard cupboards slamming in the kitchen.

  Heart pounding hard, Jane followed behind William as they entered the kitchen. She could see Rys standing at the counter, his shirtless back to them, his arms bulging as he braced them on the marble top. His shoulder blades were defined as he hunched forward, his head lowered. Whatever was had set him off filled the room as thick as sand. She could see a broken glass on the floor and assumed it made the noise that drew them in.

  “Rys, what the hell is wrong, man?” William kept her body behind his, but she could see around his body. Rys tensed at his brother’s words but didn’t turn around or respond.

  “Will, I need you to give Jane and me a moment alone.”

  William didn’t move and tightened his hold on her hand. “What the hell is wrong with you, dude?” Rys inhaled deeply, the muscles on the sides of his body standing out from the force of it.

  “I want to talk to Jane, Will. Just give us a moment.” His voice was deadly calm and then finally he turned around. He now wore jeans, and the worn denim hung off his lean hips. That delicious V of muscles stood out in stark relief. The fading sun slashed through the picture window, bathing him in a golden glow. “Just a moment, Will.”

  William turned and looked at her. She gave him a reassuring smile. It was clear Rys was upset, but even she knew he would never hurt her. She trusted them with her life. “It’s okay.” She squeezed William’s hand. After a long moment, he nodded reluctantly and turned to leave, but he stopped and kissed her cheek.