Always Be a Wolf

by Mima

  Back in the car, he felt weak and helpless. What could he do for Chase? He couldn’t bring his son back. He couldn’t comfort him in the way he needed or wanted. He didn’t seem to know what to say or how to act in this situation so offered no words of wisdom or reassurance. He had nothing to give.

  He called Jolene. She would know what to do.

  “Diego!” Her voice was soft, comforting like their mother’s had been at one time. “Como fue el funeral?”

  At first, he didn’t reply. Feeling his own emotions explode like a tidal wave, Diego couldn’t talk.

  “Diego!!” Jolene asked with a sniff. “What is it? Please tell! You’re scaring me.”

  “It’s fine Jolene, it’s just…it’s hard,” Diego managed to harness his emotions, although his eyes were wet as he stared in Chase’s direction. “I just…I don’t know what to say, Jolene, I don’t know what to do, you know?”

  “No one would, Diego,” Jolene spoke softly and he could hear a door closing. “It is not, how do you say, it is not easy to do. It is a hard situation. No one knows what to do or say, you know?”

  “Yeah,” He replied sadly.

  “Diego, your heart, it is big,” Jolene surprised him with her comment. “You are there. You took him there, to that town, you know? You’re with him. That’s enough.”

  “It doesn’t feel like much.”

  “Trust me, it is a lot,” Jolene insisted. “What more can you do?”

  “That’s what I wish I knew,” Diego spoke bluntly. “This, here, this is not enough.” He heard his accent growing thicker by the moment and silently chastised himself for letting it escape. Even after all these years in America and now in Canada, it came creeping out when he was upset. Really upset.

  “It is enough,” She insisted.

  He didn’t reply.

  “We will talk more,” She continued, her voice growing low and husky. “We will talk more about this later when you come home.”

  “We will.”

  “But for now,” She continued. “You’re doing the right thing. Chase, he is family. We do anything for family.”

  “We do.”

  “Anything,” She said one last time before ending the call.

  He contemplated in silence.

  It was after the proceedings when they were back at the hotel and Chase was picking at some takeout that Diego bought him, that Jolene’s words continued to sink in. He thought about them again and again. People assumed he never listened to anyone but that wasn’t true. Diego took in everything and allowed it to absorb, dissecting the meaning behind it all, asking himself if it rang true or if it had any meaning at all.

  “You know Chase,” Diego started and cleared his throat. “If there’s anything I can ever do, I want you to tell me.”

  “Diego,” Chase said, as he pushed the food around a styrofoam tray, still wearing his suit, while the tie had long ago been removed, the first few buttons of his shirt open, he looked like a little boy, defeated by the world, lost in a way that few could ever understand. “You’ve already done so much. You didn’t have to come here, you’ve been helping me through this since day one, what more could you do?”

  “Of course, you know,” Diego sniffed, attempting to appear casual as he twisted his lips in his usual, arrogant fashion. “You, me, Jolene, we’re all family. That’s what we do.”

  Chase merely nodded, sadly returning his gaze to the tray. The nauseating scent of chicken poured through the room, almost making Diego sick, but he hid his impulses just as he always did in every situation with Chase.

  “That girl today, at the church?”

  “Which one?” Chase let out a sharp laugh. “The crazy one or the normal one?”

  “I guess..either,” Diego smirked. “Women are all crazy to me.”

  Chase raised his eyebrows and grinned. “The first one was Kelsey…

  “Ah, yes, Jolene told me about her,” Diego let out a laugh. “I think she refers to her as the puta.”

  “She’s not that bad,” Chase shrugged and appeared defeated. “I can’t deal with her and her craziness now. The other girl is Maggie.”

  He knew all about Maggie.

  “The lesbian?”

  “Yes.”

  “The one you wanted?”

  “Yes,” Chase nodded. “God I wanted that girl, just wanted her to give me one shot, one chance to change her mind, you know?”

  Diego didn’t respond. His lips clasped shut, his heart pounding erratically and Diego didn’t say a thing. The heavy silence filled the room as the realization hit them both.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  His heart raced. His entire body shook with fear and anticipation: an unlikely combination that somehow didn’t fit together but in another way, fit together perfectly. His hand gripped to the closest thing he could find: a hard, plastic object, he grasped it with complete desperation as his legs shook and pleasure rang through his body.

  He was in a car and it was speeding down the road; an empty highway that fortunately didn’t have another person in sight, as the vehicle raced along at an alarming rate that caused his stomach to heave, despite the desires that shot through his body. Diego was in the driver’s seat, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses but a determined expression on his face that couldn’t be missed; his lips twisted in their usual expression that implied he was giving something a lot of thought, while his face was tight, as he concentrated on the road.

  Chase wanted to say something. He wanted to warn Diego that he was going too fast; that his erratic nature was out of control, that it was time to slow down before they got hurt or killed but when he opened his mouth, he couldn’t speak. The words were trapped in his chest, unable to move, stuck between his heart and lips. Then again, if he said anything, would it only make matters worse? Would his fear only cause Diego to laugh at him, drive faster, scare him more as if it were a big joke?

  It was when he saw something on the road ahead that he panicked. It was a child. A little boy, running out to meet the car. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out.

  Awake in his bed, he sprang up as sweat covered his forehead and upper body. His throat so dry that he couldn’t speak, his heart pounding hard against his chest wall. Diego suddenly came flying through the adjoining door, wearing only a pair of boxers that almost looked too large on his small frame, his figure highlighted by the street light that flowed through the window.

  “What’s wrong?” Diego rushed to his bedside, his eyes appearing twice as large in the dark, his face full of concern. When Chase didn’t respond, still processing that it had only been a horrible dream, Diego rushed to continue. “Chase, you were yelling. You wanted someone to stop? I thought someone was in here killing you, for God sakes.”

  “Ah, I…oh shit,” Chase said as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I was having a nightmare and…oh fuck, I hope everyone in the building didn’t hear me.” He referred to the small hotel they were staying at, off the main highway, 20 minutes outside of Hennessey.

  “Chase, I seriously doubt that anyone else is in the building,” Diego let out a short laugh. “We’re not exactly at a top-notch hotel in a tourist friendly area. Come on!”

  Following his lead, Chase began to relax and shrugged. “A lot of people come here to hunt in the fall and…”

  His words suddenly halted when realizing what he had said. Suddenly reminded why they were there in the first place, his emotions weighed him back down, pulling him into the same place he had been for days. In fact, Chase was doubtful he would ever leave there again, seeing it more of a permanent home, not a brief visit. He would never be the same again and it was that in itself that made this experience even more difficult.

  Diego looked sorrowful, reaching out, he patted his arm and quickly moved away. Chase knew why and for a moment, he really wanted him to stay. It was merely a
quick thought that went against his usual desires but there was a part of himself that wanted, needed an escape from his current reality. It had crossed his mind the day of the funeral when Kelsey hugged him but then, it only made him angry. Now, as he thought about the warmth that had spread through his body, there was a part of him that wanted to call her, to be with her that night. But he knew better. If he caved to any desires now, it wouldn’t end in that room.

  “It’s just a dream, amigo,” Diego assured him and started toward the door. “You’ve been through a lot the last few days but tomorrow, we leave and I think that will help you. Going back to your life, getting out of this town, it will help you heal.”

  Chase nodded but he had his doubts. Nothing would take this heaviness away. It was weighing him down like nothing ever had before; all the miseries he had experienced in life before his son’s death felt minor in comparison, in fact, they were a joke. His problems in the past now seemed silly, stupid and irrelevant. He was certain going back to Toronto wouldn’t help. He didn’t want to return to work, that first day when everyone met him with sympathy in their eyes, telling him they were sorry; he dreaded that day. It would only bring everything back up again and force him to think about it and he just couldn’t.

  Diego said a last good night but lingered in the doorway as if he wanted to ask Chase something and if he had, perhaps he would’ve been surprised by the answer. It was after he left and Chase lay back down that he realized that not only was he a different person from only a week earlier, his tendencies may have changed. Perhaps he wouldn’t be as cautious as before and maybe Diego had it right when he followed his desires, and not think logically about what the consequences were for his actions. Just like the speeding car in the dream, Diego didn’t think about what was ahead or the possible dangers. Chase always thought ahead and yet, here he was, with one less son.

  He fell asleep with this new reality of the world around him. Nothing would be the same again. He knew it. Food would never taste as good. His eyes would never see the world as he had before and his temptations, he wouldn’t fight off but accept without thinking of the consequences.

  The next morning, Chase moved mechanically around the hotel room. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, got dressed and organized his stuff for the trip home. Glancing at his phone, he ignored texts from his sister, Maggie, and Kelsey; he grew tired of accepting condolences, telling people he was ‘ok’ and turning down their offers to talk. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to think about death anymore. He just wanted to go home and Hennessey was no longer home. Maybe it never had been.

  Diego was unusually quiet that morning too. His eyes probing Chase, as if he wasn’t sure of what to say but there was an unspoken conversation that was transmitting between them. They silently got in the rental car and jumped on the highway before there was much traffic, anticipating more before getting to Calgary. A part of Chase never wanted to come back to Alberta again and if it wasn’t for his two youngest children, he never would.

  The twins were far too young to understand what was going on. On top of their miseries of losing a child, Audrey now had the two little boys asking her where Leland was and couldn’t understand why their older brother was not coming back. Although she was a counselor by profession, she admitted to Chase that this situation was too much for her to handle. Her relationship with Albert was strong but she saw herself pushing him away and although she understood why she also couldn’t stop herself. It didn’t matter that he was like a father to the children, it wasn’t the same. No one could understand how it felt for a mother who lost a child. It wasn’t even the same for Chase.

  He had so much compassion for Audrey but yet, he was not in a place to help her. Chase was an empty vessel and all he could think about was how he hadn’t wanted to have a baby after originally learning about Audrey’s pregnancy years earlier. He hadn’t wanted to be a father and then when they broke up, his son seem to have little interested in talking to him and so, the disconnect sent him into an empty road of guilt that only weighed him down.

  “Do you want to get some food?” Diego’s voice was quiet, gentle, “We have time.”

  “I’m not hungry but if you want anything…..” Chase answered with no emotion as his eyes stared ahead at the empty road.

  “No, I’m fine,” Diego replied and paused for a moment. “There is somewhere I would like to stop though if you don’t mind.”

  “Sure,” Chase said with a shrug. “Where? There’s nothing here.”

  “That trailer park that’s coming up,” Diego answered as if it were the most obvious answer.

  “The what?”

  “The trailer park ahead.”

  “What? Why?” Chase asked in stunned disbelief. “Why do you want to go to a trailer park?”

  “I’ve never been to one.”

  Chase didn’t reply but turned his head to look at Diego. Their eyes met and a grin appeared on his face.

  “I always wanted to see a trailer park.”

  “You’ve never seen a trailer park before?” Chase asked. “Seriously?”

  “No, I haven’t,” Diego confirmed and the mood in the car seemed to relax. “I was curious ever since that Eminem song.”

  “An Eminem song makes you want to go to a trailer park?” Chase couldn’t help but laugh. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You’re too young, you don’t know his music,” Diego said with a shrug. “He has this song where he talks about two trailer park girls…”

  “I’m familiar with the song,” Chase replied and started to laugh. “That song, that song makes you want to go to a trailer park? Are you kidding me?”

  “Not just that song,” Diego insisted and made a face. “I see them on television all the time, movies, I want to see what one looks like for real. Are the people in them all white trash like on television?”

  “It’s not the same,” Chase replied and continued to laugh and then quipped, “Do you want two trailer park girls..wait, how does that song go again?”

  “You know that’s not what I want,” Diego smirked and continued to focus on the road ahead as a car passed them and Chase briefly thought about his dream from the night before and opened his mouth to tell Diego but decided against it.

  “I think you’ll be disappointed by the trailer park,” Chase insisted. “It’s just a bunch of low-income families, not an episode of Jerry Springer.”

  “After meeting your friends and relatives in Hennessey, I’m starting to think your life was a Springer episode back there,” He teased, bringing a welcomed, if not brief, collapse in tension, “No offense.”

  “None taken, you’re not that far off the mark on this one,” Chase replied and let out a laugh as he looked out the passenger side window as they moved closer to the trailer park and Diego turned into it, slowly driving through, observing with fascination. For the most part, there was nothing to see. Appearing bored and slightly disappointed, he turned at the end and drove back through, showing less interest.

  “You know, most of the time, things never are as exciting as we have them built up to be in our heads,” Chase commented as he looked into the windows of the trailers, seeing mostly young people.

  “Sometimes, but not always,” Diego’s comment was matter-of-fact but his eyes shot through Chase and left him silent. “Sometimes we underestimate and it’s all about timing, my friend. If we came back here on a hot summer night, we might find this same trailer park is anything but boring. Life is like that. Like I say, it’s all about timing.”

  Chase knew he wasn’t just talking about the trailer park.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  His son’s death changed him. Moment by moment, Chase was seeing the world through a different set of eyes. Broke wide open, he had no choice but to view everything he had once denied. It reminded him of a scene in a popular television show where a subdivision burned
to the ground and neighbours were left in disbelief; looking each other in the eye for the first time, the same neighbours who didn’t know or care who lived next door before the fire, were suddenly huddled together, crying about all they had lost. The same people who walked around with masks of confidence were as vulnerable as children. It was as horrifying as it was beautiful.

  Chase began to see things different on way to the airport. The lines on Diego’s face, the signs of worry in his eyes, the vulnerability that he hadn’t noticed before that day. But there was something else. When he removed his sunglasses to make a complaint about the coffee at the airport, there was a coldness in his eyes that he hadn’t noticed since their first meeting; back when Diego came flying through Jolene’s makeshift office in Calgary, ordering her assistant to get him an Americano.

  “Does anyone in this God forsaken state known how to make a decent cup of coffee?” Diego complained to Chase, turning away from the young server. “I mean, really, is it so difficult?”

  With that, he rushed away and Chase was left giving the cashier an apologetic smile.

  Following behind, Chase didn’t bother to explain that it wasn’t the server’s fault. Clearly, Diego’s frustrations weren’t really with the coffee. He was anxious since arriving at the airport. As usual, he sat as far away from anyone, always concerned that their conversations would be overheard, even when they talked about nothing at all.

  A Korean teenage boy walked past them wearing a pair of ear buds, the music of Marilyn Manson flowed through and Chase recognized the song ‘Disassociative’ which ironically would seep through his brain a million times in the upcoming months. He would later realize that it was one of many synchronicities that would enter his life during his most vulnerable state.

  “Are you okay?”

  This time it was Chase asking Diego the question and not the other way around. It felt empowering on the other side.