Me and Miranda Mullaly

by Jake Gerhardt

  It is most important, too, for the star to personally deliver the invitations before the final dress rehearsal. I was most looking forward to handing Miranda her invitation and asking her to join me for ice cream after opening night. I was a man on a mission as I approached Miranda, stage left. There were lots of cast members all around us, but I didn’t care.

  “Hello, Miranda,” I said.

  “Hi, Duke,” Miranda replied.

  “Here’s your invitation to the cast party.”

  “Thanks,” she replied.

  She was looking onstage, where Sam was alone, walking through his steps. He looked at us and winked at Miranda. I couldn’t believe it. But I wasn’t going to let Sam steal my thunder, so I quickly asked Miranda to go out with me.

  “I was thinking, Miranda, that perhaps you would like to join me for ice cream after opening night?”

  My timing, again, was off. Miranda, I’m fairly certain, did not hear what I said. But Sam Dolan, who rubbed my shoulders in a most mocking manner, asking me if I was ready to go, most certainly did.

  Miranda ran off for makeup before I could get a chance to ask her again. Sam was still standing next to me, smiling like an idiot. With all the chaos backstage before the show, it was impossible for me to punch Sam in the jaw, so I walked away, fists clenched.

  Then it struck me. The perfect time to get at Sam would be on the stage when I’m supposed to push him in Act 1, Scene 1. From stage left, I watched Sam and Chollie pretend to fix the sewing machines, grimaced as Chollie forgot his one line, then went onstage and rather than push Sam, let him have one square on the jaw. Sam, of course, has no idea how to act onstage and was instantly out of character. He attacked me and I had no choice but to stand up for myself. Mr. Wexler snuck out onstage and broke us up with his clipboard as the music played and the cast danced the next number.

  Our dress rehearsal moved along until “Hernando’s Hideaway,” when Sam attempted to punch me during my dance with Miranda. I will always be a step ahead of dim-witted Sam, saving myself and Miranda from his attacks.

  Inexplicably, however, Miranda missed the fact that I had saved her from the hooligan. Instead, she screamed at me when we left the stage, complaining that I was ruining the whole number and the whole show. Then from out of nowhere, Sharon Dolan came up and kicked me in the shin.

  To add insult to injury, Mr. Wexler took Sam and me aside and scolded us like an English schoolmaster. I’m sure he would’ve paddled us if it were legal.

  I took a deep breath, rubbed my shin, and planned to get back at Sam one last time. This was far from over.

  CHOLLIE

  There’s this thing that they do in plays called Final Dress Rehearsal. It’s when everybody goes through the play one last time before what’s called Opening Night. And today is Final Dress Rehearsal.

  When I go out onstage to fix the sewing machine, I still can’t remember my line, and I freeze up. Mr. Wexler is at the side of the stage whispering to Sam to just keep going. And now it’s really official. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m probably going to mess up the whole play. Great, another reason for everyone to make fun of me right now.

  But then everything gets really crazy. You see, after I’m supposed to say, “He don’t belong in this town,” Sid (played by Duke) comes out and pushes Sam’s character. Today, though, Duke punches Sam square in the jaw. He really lets him have it. And Sam jumps right up and tackles Duke. No one, absolutely no one, knows what’s going on. Then Mr. Wexler runs out to try to break up Duke and Sam.

  Since it’s the Final Dress Rehearsal, we’re told to keep on going as if nothing happened. There’s just no time to replace anyone.

  What if Sam and Duke fight again? What if I can’t remember my line on Opening Night? What if I can’t even manage to march in time? What if I run into Mr. Mullaly before or after the play? Maybe I’ll save everyone the trouble and not show up.

  SAM

  I’m so excited for the show that I’m onstage before we even begin the final dress rehearsal. And I have a feeling in my stomach like I’ve never had before. It’s a little bit like telling a joke that gets big laughs, but there’s something more to it.

  And I haven’t had any Mr. Mullaly nightmares for almost two weeks.

  I’m in the best mood of my life.

  I see Sharon offstage and give her a big wink. And when I walk off the stage, I pass by Miranda and Duke. And when I pass Duke, I put my hands on his shoulders and I say, “Ready to go, big guy?”

  Weird, right? But that’s just the kind of mood I’m in. I’m even happy to see Duke.

  So anyway, we start the show, and I carry the exposition perfectly, if you ask me. Of course Chollie can’t remember his line but I’m used to it, so I cover for him. And then Sid, who is really Duke, comes out onstage.

  And what do you think Duke, the lunatic, does? He hauls back and punches me in the jaw. Well, I go flying back and then jump up and tackle him. It’s the only thing I can think to do. I’m suddenly reminded of how much he gets in my way. The music starts up and Mr. Wexler rushes in to break us up.

  He tells us to keep going, but I’m still pretty peeved.

  After we do the whole big picnic scene and sing “Once a Year Day,” we clear the stage. I follow Miranda and she turns and gives me her terrific smile. I mean the kind of smile that makes my knees buckle. The kind of smile she gave me when she returned my thumbtack. The kind of smile I don’t see as often anymore.

  “You two look great together,” Miranda says. And again, she says it right to me.

  I stop right in my tracks, and Erica Dickerson bumps into me.

  My heart breaks that instant.

  Erica smiles and grabs my hand to do our tango. As the music starts up and we begin to dance I suddenly start to feel angry again. I mean, I’m really angry. And when I see Duke doing his tango with Miranda, I get even angrier. I swing Erica toward Duke and Miranda as Erica whispers, “What are you doing, Dolan?”

  As I get near Miranda and Duke, I hold on to Erica with my left hand and swing on Duke with my right. But since they’re spinning, Miranda is coming directly toward my fist. It’s too late to stop, so I close my eyes, getting ready for a huge crash. But my hand doesn’t hit anything and Erica and I go spinning across the stage.

  I never get a chance to punch Duke, which is pretty unfortunate.

  And even more unfortunate is that Mr. Wexler sees the whole thing and starts chewing me out right after I get off the stage.

  Even worse is that Sharon won’t look at me at dinner and refuses to pass me the ketchup. I don’t want to make a big deal, so I have plain meat loaf, which just isn’t as good.

  I try to apologize after dinner, I really do. But when I go to her room, Sharon refuses to even open the door. And I don’t know why, but when I stand outside her room staring at her door, I feel rotten inside.

  And now I can’t get a good night’s sleep because my nightmares starring Mr. Mullaly have returned.

  Miranda

  To: Erica

  From: Miranda

  Date: March 15, 2016 9:03 PM

  Subject: Cast Party

  ———————————————————————————

  E,

  Can we please, please, please, please, please, please go to the cast party together?

  I feel so stupid for even knowing this, but the day of the party would’ve been my sixth month anniversary with Tom. Are you laughing? Don’t worry if you are, I’m pretty pathetic.

  And I don’t know how you do it with all the energy onstage, but I’m just not feeling it. Are Chollie and Sam really marching behind me? “Steam Heat” is the best part of the play and they ruined it.

  Oh well, after today’s dress rehearsal I’ll be surprised if we even get the show off the ground. I can’t wait for this to be over!

&n
bsp; OK, last time I’m saying this. Thanks for forgiving me for being such a jerk. You’re an awesome friend!

  Call me if you want to laugh about the impending disaster.

  xoxoxo

  M

  21

  The Pajama Game

  Duke

  A Confessional

  Looking back on it now, perhaps I was temporarily insane. What was I thinking?

  I’m covered with a cold sweat as I now begin to realize how rash, how dangerous, how apocalyptic my actions were.

  And yet it was all so easy.

  I was on a roll, bringing the crowd to its feet with a breathless rendition of “Hey There.” And Sharon Dolan really nailed “I’m Not at All in Love.” In fact, the entire cast was on fire. Chollie Muller even remembered his line, which is a feat up there with Lindbergh’s solo crossing of the Atlantic.35

  But despite this, I still had in the back of my mind Sam Dolan rubbing my shoulders and Miranda Mullaly walking away from me when I asked her to join me for ice cream. It hurt, and the promise of the musical was not enough to extinguish my burning desire for revenge. I had to do what I had to do, so I went forward with my plan.

  I was offstage for a decent part of the second act and snuck around behind the curtains. Armed with an old cane from the prop room, I waited patiently for “Steam Heat” to begin.

  Finally the number began, and I lifted up the curtain an inch to see. Miranda and the two idiots began the number, with Miranda leading the way, her talent oozing off of her. Sam and Chollie marched behind as Miranda sang and danced. The audience could not keep their eyes off Miranda, she was that terrific.

  For a moment I thought of abandoning my plan. But then from the side of the stage I could see Mr. Mullaly. He looked much more distinguished compared with the last time I’d seen him. And best of all, he was even wearing a bow tie. I resolved then and there to show Mr. Mullaly the kind of clown Sam Dolan is.

  I waited for Sam and Chollie to march upstage center and then, like an animal awaiting its prey, I quickly snapped out the cane and caught Sam’s left ankle, hooking him on my first attempt. Sam instantly lost his balance, stumbling violently forward, but somehow stayed on his feet. A little distraught, Sam managed to get back into the marching routine. I struck again, this time hooking his right ankle and yanking him with all my might. Sam stumbled into Chollie and fell forward, miraculously staying on his feet yet again.

  And then I heard it. Laughter. The audience was laughing.

  What could be so funny?

  I threw the cane under some background paintings and rushed to the side.

  There I stood as “Steam Heat” came to an end. The crowd roared its approval, jumping to their feet. Mr. Wexler clapped loudly, screaming, “Bravo! Bravo! Oh, pure genius, Sam. Genius!”

  Out in the audience I saw Mr. Mullaly on his feet with the rest of the crowd, cheering for Sam and Chollie.

  CHOLLIE

  When the show is over, I’m still sort of shocked. I can’t believe I didn’t make a huge mistake and ruin the whole thing. In fact, I didn’t make any mistakes. I remembered my line and even Duke Samagura says I “nailed” it, which means something coming from the star of the play.

  And best of all is that Billy came home for opening night. I’m so happy to see him after the show. It was all his idea for me to be in the play and it was a great idea.

  When we drive home, I’m still pretty excited about the show, and Billy is happy with his new job. It’s just about the happiest we’ve all been since Christmas. Mom is especially happy when Billy says he can stay for only one night.

  It’s fun having Billy back, and even though it’s only been a month, I’ve missed him. We have a good talk in my room when we get home.

  “You really did it, Chollie. Great job.”

  “I guess I did,” I say.

  “How’s your little friend?”

  “Who?” I say, even though I know what he’s talking about.

  “Miranda. Miranda Mullaly. Any progress?”

  “Nope.”

  Billy’s old grin spreads across his face.

  “Here’s what you gotta do, Chollie,” he says.

  “It’s okay, Billy,” I say. And for some reason I lie. “I’m not really into her anymore.”

  “Okay,” Billy says, standing and checking his phone for messages. “I gotta go, but you know where to reach me when you need some advice.”

  As Billy leaves, I call out to him.

  “Thanks, Billy.”

  “For what?” Billy stops and asks.

  “For listening to me and all that,” I say. And I really mean it.

  “Well, I thought you were terrific up there tonight,” Billy says.

  I walk over and give him a hug. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

  “I’m proud of you, kid,” Billy says.

  Billy tousles my hair and leaves, whistling a tune from the play.

  I’m really tired as I hop into bed. And for the first time in a while, I have a smile on my face.

  SAM

  I’m so nervous about the play I think I’m going crazy.

  And the thing is, I’m not worried that I’ll mess up or forget my lines or get into another fight with Duke. It’s because last night I had another Mr. Mullaly nightmare. Only this time it was when we were doing the play, and this time I wasn’t in my underwear but Mr. Mullaly was. And right in the middle of the show, right when I’m dancing “Steam Heat” with Miranda, Mr. Mullaly jumps out of his seat (in his underwear!) and climbs on the stage and starts chasing me. He doesn’t catch me, but I feel weak and slow all the same. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this keeps up.

  So I have all this going on in my mind as we start off with the show. And, don’t forget, we had a terrible final dress rehearsal. But despite all this, we did it, we really did it.

  I mean, I tripped a couple of times during “Steam Heat” but somehow stayed on my feet. I guess the audience thought it was part of the show because they laughed and clapped like crazy.

  Later Ralph Waldo, who watched the whole thing from the sidelines on his crutches, tells me Duke Samagura actually tripped me and that’s why I kept falling on the stage.

  Can you believe that?

  But when the play is over, I don’t have time to get back at Duke because now is my chance to see Miranda. Mom gave me a bunch of flowers to give to Sharon after the show. And I take one flower, a pretty red one, and put it aside. This is the flower I’ll give to Miranda.

  There must be a million people in the lobby after the show and I get the feeling it will be harder to find Miranda than I thought. I see Lichtensteiner in the middle of the crowd, picking his nose. And, of course, Foxxy is with Holly Culver, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.

  But then, just like magic, a space opens and I can see her, standing alone at the opposite side of the lobby. And she looks so pretty, with her hair pulled back and a bright happy smile on her face.

  I walk steadily toward her and I’m pretty sure something’s going to happen. And I’m holding the flower in front of me like it’s a great treasure. I can’t believe my good luck, I really can’t.

  But just as I’m about to give Miranda the flower and tell her how terrific she was in the show and how wonderful she is all the time, Mr. Mullaly appears and puts his arm around her like a bodyguard.

  Mr. Mullaly is not wearing his underwear like in my nightmares but he is wearing a blue suit and a bow tie. The bow tie makes me think of Duke, which just about ruins the whole night. Will I ever catch a break?

  22

  Serendipity

  Sam Dolan

  March 21st

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Writing Prompt: The dictionary defines serendipity as “the faculty of making fortunate disc
overies by accident.” Write about a serendipitous event in your life. How has the fortunate accident or discovery affected you in a positive way? Explain in detail.

  Hey Mr. Minkin,

  You’ll never believe it, but serendipity just happened to me this weekend. I don’t know if I can explain it but I’ll try.

  What happens is this. I go to Duke Samagura’s house on Saturday night for the cast party. I’m really excited. I even dust off my thumbtack with the idea of getting Duke to sit on it after what he pulled with the cane during “Steam Heat.”

  I’m also feeling all right because I saw Mr. Mullaly at the play and he didn’t murder me. What a relief.

  Duke is real nice to me for some reason when I get to his house, acting like I’m his best friend and all. He even introduces me to his parents, who both look almost exactly like Duke. Totally weird, right? Then Duke brings me along and tells me he’s feeling bad about what happened with the cane and he wants to have “a heart to heart” and bury it all in the past. He even has chairs ready for us to have our little powwow.

  What’s cool is that the chairs are set up in front of a television which is playing the video of the musical. I’m interested in seeing the show, but I don’t forget about my little present for Duke. So just as I’m about to sit and put my thumbtack on Duke’s seat my sister Sharon stops me from sitting on the chair.

  Duke and I don’t sit and I have to put the thumbtack back in my pocket. And I’m obviously a little upset with my sister for interrupting my plan but before I have a chance to say anything she and Duke, the two weirdos, start talking about Sherlock Holmes. The last thing I want to talk about is books, so I turn around and there is Erica Dickerson. She sees me and I see her, but it’s sort of like I’m seeing her for the first time. I notice her brown eyes and the way her lips curl up when she smiles. And she has cute dimples on her cheeks I’ve never noticed before.