Love, Me: A Pleasant Valley Novel

by Anna Brooks

  I think I was about nine or so, and it was the day before Christmas break. All the kids were talking about Santa coming and how they tried to be good that year so he’d bring presents. They said if you were bad, he’d bring you coal.

  It hit me at that moment, as I was sitting at the lunch table, picking the mold off a piece of bread I found in the cupboard before I got myself ready and on the bus, that I realized how different I was . . . how bad things were.

  And when Christmas came, and I didn’t even get coal, I figured my mom must have been right when she told me that I was so rotten Santa didn’t even waste a trip coming to our house.

  The hair on the top of her head flutters when I release a breath. “If you want me to come, I’ll come.”

  She raises a brow. “I thought you just did that.”

  I flip her over and tickle her.

  “Stop. Stop.” She pushes my hands away. “I swear I will pee. Please stop.” Her eyes well with tears, and her voice is shaky, and my hands freeze.

  “Sorry, baby. I didn’t know you were that ticklish.” The fear in her face doesn’t settle well with me. “Something else wrong?”

  “No. No. I’m just super ticklish, and I hate when people don’t stop when I tell them to.”

  “Did somebody do that to you?”

  A shadow crosses her face before she masks it. “No. I just really hate it. So . . .” She wraps her legs around me and lifts her hips a few times to rub against me. And just like that, I’m ready to go again. “You’re going to come?”

  I slide home in one slow thrust of my hips and hold still. “Yeah, baby. I’ll come.”

  Chapter 19

  Rayne

  I can’t sleep. The argument that Vaughn and I had earlier is pounding me in the head. Hell, this entire day is hitting me over the head, over and over and over.

  The service, the men at Vaughn’s, the yelling, the sex . . . the sex is so good. Twice today and it’s still not enough. It makes everything else go away. Like the reminder of what I tried to forget.

  Ugh. I flip to my back.

  “If you’re not going to sleep, then why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Vaughn’s voice startles me.

  “I thought you were sleeping, sorry.”

  “How do you expect someone to sleep when they’re lying next to the Tasmanian devil?” He chuckles and tosses an arm over my stomach and scoots closer. With the tips of his fingers, he gently slides them up and down my exposed arm.

  “He yelled at me all the time.”

  Vaughn’s hand freezes before it continues its movements. The gentleness is a little rougher now, as I can imagine him trying to hold back his anger. I absolutely love how he’s so protective of me. If it’s wrong, or if it makes me less of a woman because I want a man to take care of me like that, then I don’t care. I can be independent and needy at the same damn time.

  “Like, even in the beginning, he yelled. But he was always loud, was always the life of the party. The same adrenaline that coursed through him when he’d jump off cliffs or ski down a mountain, that adrenaline flowed through him always. He was loud and aggressive and used that energy on me all the time.”

  My focus zeroes in on a crack in the ceiling. “He never hit me; it wasn’t like that, and I don’t doubt he loved me . . . but I wasn’t as happy as I knew we could be. I think he had an undiagnosed mental condition, honestly. Because one minute, he could be so sweet, and the next, he would just flip out about something. He threatened to kill himself the one time I said I was going to break up with him. So I didn’t. I took him back, and he got better for a while. But then the random behavior started again.”

  More times than I can count, I took it. I sat there and let him because I knew it would end. I knew it really wasn’t him. He did actually make me pee my pants one time from tickling me so hard. I have never told anybody about that, and I never will. It’s so embarrassing. But that was the kind of thing he did. Everything was funny to him.

  “Until you said that tonight, about nobody should yell at me like that, I never realized just how bad it really was.”

  “I’m sorry, Rayne.”

  “The entire time we were together, he always made me promise I wouldn’t leave him. At first, it was cute. We got into an argument once, and he retaliated by riding his snowmobile on the highway. God, it was so dangerous, but when he came back, he was normal again. So I tried harder than I guess I should have to make him happy.”

  “That wasn’t your responsibility.”

  “I felt like it was, though. His parents . . . they knew how he was but never did anything about it. I always felt like they were glad not to have the weight of him on their shoulders. Always kind of pushed him off on me as soon as we started dating. Like really encouraging us to be together and pressuring us to get married.”

  I knew I didn’t fuckin’ like them.

  “Before he left, I decided that when he got back, I would make him go to a doctor.” Because the absolute truth is that I did love him. When he was good, everything was great. He was so caring and did so much for me. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

  But when he was bad . . . everything was so different. I don’t even want to say it was bad, but it wasn’t good, I guess. I could still see the real him behind the trouble in his eyes, but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to be everything he needed me to be. I tried.

  “Did you ever talk to anyone else about this?”

  “No. I mean I’d mentioned his erratic behavior to his mom, and she acknowledged it, but that was about it. I think I was almost embarrassed about it or something. I felt like maybe I was the problem, and I tried to be everything I thought he wanted me to be. I went to the restaurants he wanted, I saw the movies he liked, and I even went skydiving because he begged me.” The nauseated feeling rises in my gut just thinking about it. “I’m deathly afraid of heights, Vaughn. But I did it for him.”

  “You should never do something you don’t want to do, especially if it’s just to make someone happy.”

  “I wasn’t unhappy, though. At least, at the time, I didn’t think I was.” I roll over to my side, so we’re facing each other. “I’m happy now. You make me happy.”

  “You make me happy, too, Rayne.”

  I close my eyes and smile. The weight of the day bears down on me, and it’s not long before sleep pulls me under.

  * * *

  When I woke up the first morning after Vaughn had spent the night, he wasn’t there. I panicked, but then saw the note on his pillow. In not so many words, he’d written that he thought I could use some time alone. And he was right.

  I called my mom and talked to her, explained many things. I moped around the house; I cleaned the oven. And most importantly, I went to visit Bryan.

  I sat on the bench in the columbarium and stared at the little square on the wall with his name on it. For two years, I left him messages. For two years, I talked to him and told him I loved him. I convinced myself I was a horrible person because many of the words I said weren’t from the heart. They were out of obligation. Still, I had made him a promise that I intended to keep.

  “So I guess this is it, isn’t it?” I looked around and made sure nobody was around to hear me talk to him. “When I promised I’d wait for you, I never thought this is the way it would be. I didn’t imagine I’d be talking to a wall . . . although, that was how I felt half the time whenever I tried to talk to you.” I chuckle because it was kind of a joke between us.

  Bryan was always on the go, and to get him to sit still for an actual conversation was difficult. And then when I did talk, something else usually distracted him. I was so used to it that it didn’t bother me, but when I talk now, and Vaughn listens, it’s just another thing to add to my list of things that make him so different.

  “I do love you; I did love you. And I know you loved me. When I walk out of here, I want the guilt gone, Bryan. I’ve tried to move on recently, and I wish I knew I had your blessing. But even without
it, I hope you understand. I waited for you . . . I really did. I miss you, but I can’t live the rest of my life in our memories.” I stand up and trace his name with my fingers. My head falls forward and rests on the marble plaque etched with his name; tears fall out of my eyes and land on the tips of my shoes.

  “What we had will always be so special to me. I’ll cherish it, and I’ll miss you, but I have to say goodbye.” I take a step back. “This has to be goodbye.”

  * * *

  “Wait. Don’t move.” I take a picture.

  “I didn’t think you were this mean, Rayne. I mean, really?” Polly waves her hands at the outfit she’s wearing.

  We’re finally going out because of the bet we’d made about who would rent out the empty space in the strip. And since I won, she’s now wearing a pair of leopard print leggings, red high heels, and a sparkly black crop top. Her hair is in a side pony, and she’s wearing bright blue eye shadow.

  “Trust me, girl; you’ll fit right in.” I stifle a laugh as I lock the door behind me. She came over to my apartment so I could get us ready.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Complexity.”

  She heaves a huge sigh of relief and mumbles something under her breath about hoping it’s drag night.

  We get into my car, and I drive us there and walk right in. Brad looks up from the booth where he’s doing paperwork. Doing a double take, he drops his head as his shoulders shake from laughter.

  “I really don’t like you right now.” Polly hip checks me.

  “You love me, don’t lie.”

  We get our drinks from the bar and have a seat at a booth. After taking a few sips, Polly clears her throat. “So what’s up with you and Vaughn?”

  “Man.” I laugh. “Well, we’re together now. It was kind of touch and go for a bit.”

  “Ya think?” She raises a brow.

  “I know. But have you ever been with somebody who you knew wasn’t the one, but you stayed with them for the wrong reasons?” I’ve never really had a girlfriend to talk to about this stuff before, but I find it easy to open up to her now that we’re out of the work setting.

  A shadow passes over her face, and she bites her lip. “Yeah. Actually, I have.”

  “That was kind of the situation I was in before Vaughn came into the picture. You know about Bryan, right?”

  Her head wobbles back and forth. “Kind of. I mean I’ve heard you guys talk about him before, but I didn’t want to be nosy and ask since I could tell it was a hot button topic.”

  “Well, then, let me start from the beginning.” I begin to tell her about how I met Bryan when I was eighteen. I gloss over some of the details but give her enough information to understand where I’m coming from. Brad brings us over another drink, and before I know it, a few hours have passed with us talking.

  She tells me a bit about her past, and a couple of times, we dab our eyes with napkins listening to the other’s stories. We switch gears and decide to dance. Polly is embarrassed at first, but then when she sees what some of the other guys are wearing, she loosens up and has fun.

  By the time I get home, I practically pass out, but not before realizing things in my life are finally looking up. I’ve been missing out on so much, and I can’t wait for the future.

  * * *

  The doorbell to my parents’ house rings, and I excitedly answer it. “Merry Christmas!” I throw myself at Vaughn, and he doesn’t even need to take a step back to catch me.

  “Merry Christmas.” He sets me down, and I hold the door open for him to enter.

  When he takes off his coat, I lean against the wall for support. He raises a brow and asks what’s wrong.

  Nothing’s wrong. His hair is styled, so it looks like I just ran my hands through it, and he’s wearing a hunter green Henley. His jeans don’t have holes in them, but they hug his ass perfectly. “You look so hot right now.”

  He chuckles and sets down a bag and tosses his jacket on a bench in the hallway. He looks behind him before he presses his body against mine. “You always look hot, so fuckable.” He kisses me softer than I’d like, and I try to pull him closer.

  “Don’t tempt me, baby. I missed the hell out of you the past two days, and I’m so hard I could pound nails right now. Unless you want me to drag your ass upstairs and fu—”

  “There you are. I’m so glad I get to finally meet you.” My grandmother’s voice makes me jolt. Shit.

  “Fuck,” he whispers, his lips still feather light against my ear. “Get in front of me and cover my dick, please.”

  Laughter rolls out of me and Vaughn snickers, which makes me laugh even more.

  “We’ll be right there, Grandma,” I try to sound normal, but it’s pointless.

  She’s totally going to tell my mom, too. She warned me that she didn’t want us necking like teenagers in front of the rest of the family.

  I slide out from between the door and Vaughn, and he turns around on the ball of his foot and grabs me by the hips to hold me in front of him. My face hurts from trying not to laugh. He coughs and pulls me closer. The laughter dies when I feel him hard against my lower back.

  “Grandma, Vaughn. Vaughn, Grandma.”

  Vaughn clears his throat. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

  “You too, young man.” She comes over with her arms raised to give him a hug, and his fingers dig into my hips. I stay rooted even though she shoos me out of the way. “What are you doing, Rayne?”

  “Nothing. I, uh . . . I just missed him and didn’t want to share.” I’m a horrible liar.

  “I just wanted to give him a hug; I don’t know why you have to make it so hard.”

  Vaughn chokes on a laugh, and my shoulders shake uncontrollably as I look away. This is not happening right now.

  “Well, she’s going to have to release you sometime. The rest of the family wants to meet you. I’m going in the kitchen. Time to stuff the bird.” She begins to walk back to the kitchen but turns around. “Are you coming?”

  That breaks the dam, and Vaughn finally loses it. I’ve fallen forward and can barely breathe. I can feel my makeup sliding down my cheeks and try to wipe it off. When I finally stand and face Vaughn, he uses his thumbs to wipe under my eyes as he composes himself as well. “Needless to say, hearing your grandma ask me if I was coming made it go away.”

  I take his hand and introduce him to everyone. He already met my grandma Edith then there’s my Aunt Sally and Uncle Tom. Great Aunt Fern, my dad’s sister, is here as well. My dad’s cousin Ned, who I only ever see on Christmas, brought his girlfriend this year.

  Vaughn fits right in with the guys, and I bring him a beer and kiss his cheek before going into the kitchen with the rest of the women. We finish cooking, and when everything is ready, everyone sits around the table.

  Dinner is delicious as always, and Vaughn keeps a hand on my leg under the table the entire time. I’m not sure if it’s for comfort or what. When we’re finished, everyone pitches in to help get the dishes done and leftovers packaged up then we gather in the living room where my dad passes out the presents.

  Vaughn hands me a couple and gives my mom and dad each a package as well. “You didn’t have to get them anything. Or me either.”

  “Shut up, Rayne.” He elbows me and sneaks a kiss.

  I didn’t even think about the fact that this may be uncomfortable for him, but when a pile of presents appears in front of him, I notice his eyes widen. His knee bobs up and down, and he wipes his forehead.

  Shit, I’m such an idiot. “Are you okay?” I whisper.

  “Yup.” He almost snaps, but I know it’s not from anger. He’s not mad right now . . . I don’t know what he is, honestly.

  “Okay, dig in!” Dad shouts, and everyone starts opening their gifts.

  “You don’t have to do this, Vaughn. I’m so sorry; I didn’t think. We can leave.”

  He swallows and wipes his forehead again. “It’s all good.”

  “Sweetie, I didn’t even—”r />
  “What are you two doing over there?” my dad asks. When I look up, I’m hit in the head with a wad of wrapping paper.

  Vaughn smirks then he’s hit with one, too.

  “Dad!” I chastise him.

  “It’s fine, baby,” Vaughn says.

  I watch him for a second, looking for any signs that he’s lying. When he leans down to grab a present, I get one of mine.

  He opens a replica of his truck from my parents. “Thank you.” Vaughn holds it up. While their attention is on the truck, Vaughn tosses wrapping paper and hits my dad square in the face.

  My dad laughs, and my mom just shakes her head with a smile on her face. “You’re welcome, son.” Dad says it like it’s nothing, but I watch Vaughn’s physical reaction. His body tenses, and he blinks his eyelids really fast. He’s trying so hard to act as if he’s not uncomfortable. Or maybe it’s comfort.

  I just want to get this over with as fast as possible, so I rip through mine. I get up and walk around the room, hugging and thanking my family. When I get back to Vaughn, he has his things in a pile and a relieved look on his face.

  My parents got him a few little things just so he’d have something to open. I haven’t given him my present yet. “Here.” I reach behind the couch and hand him two boxes, one larger and one smaller one.

  He reaches behind him and hands me two boxes. I smile and sit next to him on the couch.

  “Go first.” He points at the big box.

  I get nervous for some reason but tear the paper away anyway. When I open the box, an envelope is inside. I pull it out and carefully open the seal. I can tell from the back of them that they’re tickets, but when I pull them out and see that they’re Reason to Ruin tickets, I scream. “Oh, my God! How’d you get tickets?” I look at them again and see the seats are really good. Like third row good. These must have cost a fortune. “And it’s in Chicago? Next weekend! Oh, my God!” I grab his face with the tickets still in my hand and kiss him hard and fast. “Thank you. This is awesome. I can’t wait to go.”