Crash Landing

by Zac Harrison

  “Come and get them,” yelled the grey alien, throwing a Dumpod candy along the length of the coach and hitting another alien on the head, which was covered in small tentacles.

  “Mine,” it said, laughing. A tentacle snapped out and wrapped around the candy, pulling it into the alien’s beak-like mouth. “Thanks, Bareon.”

  By now, the candy’s owner was flying along the coach, claws outstretched to snap at Bareon.

  Someone started chanting, “Zero-G, Zero-G, Zero-G,” as a couple of aliens crashed into each other and began tussling in mid-air.

  By now, other aliens were joining in. The shouting of “Zero-G, Zero-G!” became louder and louder, as floating aliens tumbled around the coach in a mass of arms, legs, tentacles, claws, fins – and body parts that John couldn’t recognize.

  “Not joining in?” asked the P’Sidion in the seat behind John.

  “Umm... I don’t know how,” John replied, as the dolphin-like alien kicked away towards the scrum.

  It looked back over its shoulder. “It’s a Zero-Gravity war,” its voice panel shouted over the noise. “Float and fight. That’s all there is to it.”

  Even in his shocked state, John thought Zero-G war looked like massive fun. Usually only astronauts got to experience zero-gravity. In the pictures he’d seen, he was always amazed that none of them ever looked as though they were really enjoying the experience. For the first time since the coach left Earth, John smiled. He was surprised to find that his fingers had already unclipped his safety harness.

  John twisted to look behind him. “How do you... wooooah!” he spluttered, as the movement sent him spinning into the air, feet and hands windmilling as he tried to keep his balance.

  “I-I’m flying!” John yelled, as he floated down the aisle in slow somersaults. “Help!”

  A hand grabbed his shoulder, steadying him. John looked up into Lishtig’s grinning face. “Thanks,” he panted. “I’ve never done this before.”

  “It’s your first time playing Zero-G war? Wow, your planet must be dull.”

  “Errr, no, my first time in zero-gravity.”

  Lishtig’s eyes widened in shock. “You have to be kidding me,” he laughed. “Is that why you were floating around like a panicking Scrabbler Beast? It was hilarious.”

  “Hey, I was just starting to get the hang of it.”

  “Then don’t let me keep you.” The purple-haired alien pushed John towards the back of the shuttle with a flick of his wrist.

  Half-choking with laughter, John cartwheeled through the air. He was completely out of control, but flying along the coach was an incredible feeling. He touched a passing seat, managing to stop himself from tumbling. This must be how superheroes feel, he thought, as he sailed down the aisle.

  The next moment, he crashed headlong into Bareon, who, in turn, crashed into the aliens sitting in the back row.

  “Ms Vartexia, can’t you keep the first years under control?” yelled the girl with metallic spikes on her head. “We’re trying to watch Black Hole Hospital and they’re ruining it.”

  Ignoring her, Bareon shouted, “I’ll get you for that, Lishtig!” Bracing his feet against a window, he heaved John back towards the front of the shuttle.

  “Ohh nooooo!” John yelled through his laughter, clawing at the air as he smashed into the P’Sidion, who thrust him off down the aisle again.

  Just as his head was about to connect with the windshield, a hand caught his ankle. Expertly, Ms Vartexia twisted him away and sent him flying back into his seat.

  “Settle down now!” shouted the blue-skinned woman. She turned towards the back of the coach and clapped her hands. “If you can’t behave like advanced beings, then I shall turn the gravity on.”

  “Aww, Ms Vartexia!” shouted Lishtig. “We’re only having fun. Shuttle flights are so boring.”

  “That’s enough, Lishtig,” Ms Vartexia replied sternly. “Everyone back to their seats now. We’ll be docking in just under four minutes, so try and be sensible until then.”

  Grumbling, the aliens broke away and floated back to their seats.

  As Ms Vartexia sat back down, John remembered that he was supposed to be on a coach to boarding school. “Errr... excuse me... Where are we going?” he blurted.

  The Elvian gave him a sharp glance. “We’re on our way to school, of course,” she said.

  “Umm... but I’m supposed to be going to Wortham Court School in Derbyshire. We’re not going to Derbyshire, are we?”

  If the last question had been ridiculous, this one was clearly utterly bonkers. John blushed as the alien woman looked at him again with an expression that asked, Are you really that stupid?

  She blinked her violet eyes at him, and said, “Ah ha ha. I’m sure that is extremely amusing to your species. We Elvians do not, however, have a sense of humour. As you know perfectly well, we are going to Hyperspace High. If you look out the viewing window, you can see the ship now.”

  John turned his head. His eyes widened in disbelief. Once again, he felt like his brain was melting.

  Even at a distance, he could tell the spaceship was vast. Its shape looked a little like a gigantic ocean liner with a million windows twinkling against sweeping curves of white. A short “neck” stretched forward from the main body of the ship. It ended in a smaller “head” that blazed with lights. On either side were two wings, slightly curved, which gave the impression of both power and speed. Behind the main part of the body, the ship tapered into a sleek tail.

  John stared as it looked bigger and bigger through the window. The spaceship was easily the size of a town.

  “Hyperspace High,” said Ms Vartexia. “Impressive the first time you see it, isn’t it?” Without waiting for a reply, she continued. “The main bridge is the ring of lights you can see at the front and at the other end is the very latest Galaxy-Star Hyperspatial Drive. The wings contain sensors, force-field generators, hanger decks for shuttles and smaller ships while the main body houses the school. Sixty-four levels of classrooms, lecture halls, sports grounds, dormitories, restaurants, laboratories, and technology workshops.”

  She paused for a moment, then finished with quiet pride, “It’s the finest school in the universe.”

  Chapter 3

  “It’s incredible,” John breathed. “The most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”

  In fact, the word amazing didn’t do it justice. Hyperspace High made Star Trek’s USS Enterprise look like a plastic toy spaceship in comparison. John had thought that Wortham Court School looked impressive in its shiny brochure – but this school was in a league of its own.

  The chiming sounded again, and the voice said, “Please take your seats for docking.”

  John slumped back into the seat. It crossed his mind again that he might have gone mad, but he didn’t feel mad. Apart from the whole being-in-space thing, he felt quite normal. Under his breath he muttered, “My name is John Riley, I live at one hundred and twelve Laurel Gardens. I like video games. I have never – not once – worn my pants on my head. I am definitely not mad.”

  That left one possibility. This was real. He was on a shuttle that was now docking at a vast spaceship on the outer edges of the solar system. His face opened into a huge grin.

  Wowsers.

  As the shuttle approached, a great door on the side of the spaceship slid open.

  The shuttle landed with a light jolt. Gravity returned.

  Instantly, the rest of the passengers began babbling.

  “Yay, we’re here. I’m off first.”

  “Out of my way, Voolon. I want to get the best bed pod in the dormitory.”

  “Do you think Ska’s Café has Fettid Jax Fruit this year?”

  “That’s my bag, Esterlin.”

  Ms Vartexia got to her feet. “Please exit the shuttle in a calm and orderly manner and form a queue at Exit Port Beta, wher
e an Examiner will register you,” she ordered, as the door slid open with a faint hiss.

  None of the aliens aboard seemed to be paying any attention. They pushed past her shouting and laughing, as they crammed through the door.

  She sighed and waited until the crush had passed before reaching up to take her wig and tweed suit from the locker. Catching sight of John, still in his seat, she said sharply, “Please join your fellow students in the queue at Exit Port Beta.” She nodded towards the door. “Examiners do not like to be kept waiting.”

  John took a deep breath. “Look,” he said slowly and clearly. “This is waaay amazing and everything but, really, I’m supposed to be on a coach to Wortham Court School—”

  “In Dar Bee Shur, wherever that is. Yes. So you said. And as I told you, Elvians are not known for their sense of humour. Please join your fellow students in the queue at Exit Port Beta.”

  “But—”

  “I have already made a note of your late arrival. Please leave the shuttle before I make another.”

  Seeing that the alien woman wasn’t going to listen, John unclipped his seat belt, grabbed his rucksack and climbed down the steps.

  He found himself in a vast, white space. The shuttle had landed at the end of a row of similar craft. They all looked like the gleaming silver coach he had boarded earlier.

  “Over there.”

  His eyes followed her pointing finger, to where a queue had formed. “Is there anyone else I can talk to?” he asked as he hiked the rucksack up onto his shoulder and started walking.

  “If you continue this behaviour, you will very soon find yourself talking to the headmaster.”

  “Can’t I speak to him now?”

  “Enough! Get in the queue.”

  Not knowing what might happen if he made the tall, blue alien angry, John joined the others. The other aliens glanced at him curiously. John peered around them. At the head of the queue was an egg-shaped robot with a round head that blinked a red light as it scanned the new arrivals. The Examiner, John thought. It was as white as the ship itself and floated above the floor as though weightless.

  Light flickered over the alien boy with the purple hair. “Lishtig ar Steero,” said an electronic, droning voice. “Pass.”

  The boy whooped and ran off down the hallway, shouting “First bed pod is mine!”

  “Kritta Askin-Tarsos,” said the Examiner. “Pass.”

  John hopped from one foot to the other nervously, as he waited his turn.

  Gradually the queue shrank, until only the black girl with yellow eyes and feelers stood in front of John.

  “Queelin Temerate of Bo Four. Pass.”

  John stepped forward nervously. The red light scanned his feet and started moving up his body.

  John blinked as it passed over his eyes.

  A harsh siren began wailing.

  “No identification match. Intruder at Exit Port Beta.”

  A small door hissed open further down the corridor. John saw another Examiner shoot down the corridor towards him. Lights flashed on its blank face and, at once, a shimmering green haze wrapped itself around John. He felt his feet leave the floor.

  Fighting panic, he tried to look towards the Elvian woman, but he couldn’t move his head.

  “Force field activated. Intruder neutralized,” the new Examiner said tonelessly. “Access the secondary DNA database.”

  Once more a red light swept over John.

  There was a short pause, then the first Examinar said, “Human. Male. Native to a sub-B primitive planet called Earth.”

  The new Examiner turned slightly towards John. “State your name and purpose,” it said in its cold, electronic voice.

  John felt a slight tingling sensation around his head and found that he could move it again. “John... uh... Riley,” he gabbled. “I’m just trying to get to school. Wortham Court School. In Derbyshire.”

  From the corner of his eye, John saw Ms Vartexia step forward. “He’s been saying that since we picked him up,” she said. “I thought he was trying to be funny.”

  “There’s obviously been a mistake,” John said quickly. “But if you just take me back, I swear I won’t say any—”

  “Unauthorized intruder. Procedure: expulsion,” the robot continued, ignoring him.

  “That seems—” Ms Vartexia began.

  “Affirmative,” the first Examiner interrupted. “Security breach confirmed. Expulsion code initiated. Proceed to Airlock Seventeen.”

  “Fine. Go ahead and expel me,” John said, shrugging. But suddenly a terrible thought crossed his mind. “Wait! Hang on a second!” John heard himself shouting. He struggled, but could not get free of the force field that held him in place. “What do you mean by expulsion?”

  “Oh dear. I can’t help feeling that this is partly my fault, John Uh Riley,” sighed Ms Vartexia. “Sorry.”

  “W-what? Why are you s-sorry?” John stammered.

  The green force field shimmered around him. As the Examiner moved forward, John floated backward into the shuttle hangar. Exit Port Beta hissed closed. Ms Vartexia waved goodbye.

  “Where are you taking me?” John yelled.

  The robot did not reply.

  Another door opened. John dropped to the floor as it closed behind him.

  Free of the force field, he beat his fists against a window, shouting after the Examiner as it skimmed away.

  “Airlock Seventeen. Expulsion Code eight five six three. Decompression in five seconds,” said a deeper electronic voice.

  John looked over his shoulder. Behind him was a heavy doorway. Through a small window he could see stars beyond.

  “Four.”

  With growing horror, he realized that the door was going to open. Within seconds he would be expelled out into space.

  “Three.”

  Frozen with sudden fear, he whispered, “No,” staring wide-eyed at the door.

  “Two.”

  It began to hiss.

  “One.”

  Chapter 4

  John clenched his fists. His knees trembled; his heart thudded against his ribs. This was it: he was going to die.

  In a second he would be thrown into space. John remembered learning at school that nothing could live in that cold vacuum. After a few minutes he’d be frozen solid, spinning through the black depths for ever. Thoughts of his mum and dad chased across his mind. They would never know what happened to him. He squeezed his eyes shut, dreading the sound of the airlock opening and the rush of air that would suck him out.

  But nothing happened.

  A second passed. It felt like an eternity.

  “Emergency override activated,” said the deep, electronic voice.

  John opened a fearful eye, just in time to see a ball of brightly flashing light pass through the door as if it weren’t there. His other eye opened in shock.

  For a moment, the ball hung in mid-air, then suddenly, it expanded. John watched, open-mouthed, as the glittering ball formed into the solid figure of a man. He was of human average height and almost human-looking, aside from the fact that his skin was still faintly glowing. Completely bald, he looked old, but somehow young at the same time. It was his eyes, John realized. His purple eyes twinkled, as if he were enjoying a private joke.

  Trembling, John said, “What... I mean, who are you?”

  The old man tilted his head to one side and regarded John quietly for a moment. Then, with a slight smile, he said, “I am Lorem, the headmaster of Hyperspace High.”

  “If you’re the headmaster, then I... I think... that is, I’d like to make a complaint.” John paused, then added, “Sir.”

  The strangely glowing headmaster nodded as if he had been expecting just that. But before John could continue, Lorem held up one finger, and said, “Excuse me one moment.”

  Lookin
g into Lorem’s face, John had to obey. There was laughter in the headmaster’s sparkling blue eyes, but also a quiet authority that couldn’t be ignored. John closed his mouth.

  Lorem turned towards the door. The two Examiners and Ms Vartexia had arrived. “What is going on here?” he asked. His voice sounded perfectly polite but it held a trace of steel. John guessed that the headmaster was annoyed.

  “School rule six four two eight B forbids unauthorized personnel on the ship. Procedure: expulsion,” one of the Examiners droned.

  “More like being thrown out into space to die,” John muttered.

  The Examiners ignored him. The second said, “It is male. Human. A minor, undeveloped species...”

  “Hey, humans aren’t undeveloped—” John began.

  “School rule eight six seven five C: contradicting Examiners is forbidden. Procedure—”

  “Enough,” said Lorem. John and the Examiner both fell silent. Turning back to John, the headmaster raised an eyebrow. “You mentioned a complaint.”

  John took a deep breath. “Yes, well, these things tried to kill me. I didn’t ask to be here. I tried to tell Ms... umm, Vartexia... but she wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “I’m embarrassed to say that he’s telling the truth, headmaster,” Ms Vartexia admitted. “I was told to expect a Martian prince who would be disguised as a human and we were running a little late for the departure window.” She held her hands up, and said apologetically, “I thought he was trying to joke with me. You know what Martians are like.” She stopped for a moment, then said, “I really am most dreadfully sorry. He says his name is John Uh Riley, if that’s any help.”

  Lorem gave her a stern look. “So, Prince Clo-Ra-Ta has been left behind and we have, instead, taken an Earthling called John Uh Riley, breaking several galactic laws about revealing advanced technology to primitive species. The Martian government will not be happy. The Galactic Council will not be happy. Come to think of it, I am not happy.”

  “It’s just John Riley, actually,” John interrupted. “No ‘Uh’. And I’m sorry, but are you saying there are Martians, from Mars, on Earth?”