Not because he didn’t want Seg to show up on his doorstep and insist that Roan stop hiding either. It would probably be the best thing that ever happened to him. Sure, Seg would probably turn right back around and run out the door when he saw the baby swing in the living room or the package of diapers sitting on the kitchen table. Roan knew Seg didn’t have a clue what he was getting himself into, but in the same regard, Roan was tired of hiding.
He’d spent a year and a half hiding from everyone. It started when he’d mistakenly informed his best friend he was in love with him. Then he spent months trying to protect Cassie from herself, and during all that time, he’d alienated himself. For his entire life, he’d thrived on his friendships. He wasn’t a loner, didn’t do well being alone. And though he had Liam, the loneliness was still there, still gnawing at him.
Roan stopped pacing when the knock on his front door sounded.
Without looking, he knew exactly who was out there. How he’d found him was anyone’s guess. Why he’d come tonight instead of tomorrow like he’d said…
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Roan couldn’t move. Fuck, he couldn’t even breathe. For a second, he considered hiding all the baby stuff, but he thought better of it. If Seg wanted to fight this out, he could, but he had to do it knowing all the facts. This was Roan’s life now and he didn’t want to change it. Not for anyone.
Going to the door, he smoothed down his shirt, then reached for the knob, taking a deep breath in the process.
The sexiest man alive was standing on his front porch, wearing a black suit, crisp white shirt with the button open at his neck. No tie for Seg, but that didn’t surprise Roan. Still, he looked good enough to eat.
“How’d you find out where I lived?” he asked, not bothering to step back out of the way.
Seg simply stood there, staring at him.
Roan’s breath lodged in his throat.
“You don’t have to let me in,” Seg finally said. “But I’ve got some things to say to you. I’ll do it out here if you’d like.”
Feeling slightly put out, Roan nodded. Seg’s threats didn’t bother him.
A hint of disappointment flashed in Seg’s eyes, and Roan felt like a shithead, but he didn’t relent.
“I don’t know why you’re running from me,” Seg began. “Maybe I’m delusional, but I can’t help but think that what happened between us—twice—doesn’t usually happen. Not for me anyway.”
Roan waited, biting his tongue to keep from agreeing.
“I turned twenty-eight six weeks ago, Roan. Not once in all my life have I ever met someone who has taken up so much of my headspace. Not. Once.” Seg sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about you. Fuck, at this point, I can’t sleep for thinking about you. If you don’t want me, don’t want to see where this might go, fine. But I need you to say it. And I need you to make me believe it, because dammit, I feel something between us.”
The fact that the man could make him melt with a few words only pissed him off. Seg was destroying his resolve, and Roan had to be strong. “You’re in the closet, Seg. How the hell do you even know what you feel? You’re hiding.”
“Maybe I am, but I’m not the only one. It sure seems like you’re doing some hiding of your own.”
“You don’t know the first fucking thing about me,” he countered, hating that Seg was right. Roan was hiding. He’d been doing it for a long damn time now, at the expense of his own happiness.
“You’re right, I don’t. But not because I don’t want to know you. You simply have to let me in.”
“And then what?” Roan asked, his anger rising. “We’re gonna fuck like rabbits and then you’re gonna disappear with the next supermodel to come your way? Is that how it works? I’m gonna fuck you in the dark of night while some woman gets to parade around on your arm and smile for the camera? I don’t live in the dark, Seg. And I damn sure don’t plan to.”
“Is that really what this is about?” Seg’s mouth thinned, his eyes narrowing.
Roan couldn’t answer because he knew that it wasn’t. Not really.
“Do you want me to find a reporter and tell him I’m fucking a guy? That no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about you? Tell him that a year and a half ago, my life changed in a matter of hours? That my priorities got screwed up at that point? That my career became the least of my fucking worries?” Seg frowned. “Or do I tell him that the same guy showed up on my doorstep and spent the night in my bed and I woke up realizing that my entire life has been a fucking lie? That I’m tired of living it that way? Is that what you want?”
Roan’s eyes widened. He wasn’t sure if Seg was spouting bullshit or if this was the truth.
“Or do you want to open that door and show me what you’ve been hiding, Roan? Because, yeah, I might be in the closet, I might not be ready to let the world know my personal business, but I’m not the only one who’s hiding.” Seg’s voice lowered even more. “If those two nights meant even half as much to you as they did to me, you’ll let me in, Roan.”
Son of a bitch.
“I…” Roan knew he needed to argue, but he didn’t even have a case.
Those two nights meant more to him than any other night he’d spent with any other man. He wanted Seg in his life, in his bed. Unfortunately, he needed to remain grounded in reality before he got too caught up in the things Seg was saying, because the man honestly didn’t know the first thing about him.
“Let me come in, Roan.”
It was said more as a demand than a request, and damn it all to hell, Roan found himself stepping back, making room for Seg to move past him.
Twelve
SEG WASN’T SURE HIS LEGS were going to carry him across the threshold. He’d honestly believed that Roan was going to send him on his way. Somehow, he managed to put one foot in front of the other. When the door closed behind him, Seg found himself glancing around the room.
It suddenly dawned on him that this was his very first glimpse at Roan’s life.
He noticed the bright, open space, the muted beige tones on the walls, the giant television mounted above the fireplace, a huge brown suede sectional set up to separate the small dining area from the living area.
The small house was … homey. It felt like a place you wanted to go to after a long day at work, a place to sit down and relax. Seg wasn’t sure if that was because of the niceness or the cleanliness or simply if it was because Roan was there.
Of course, that wasn’t all he noticed.
His mind whirred as he took in the baby swing sitting at one end of the sofa, a package of diapers on the two-seater dining room table, the blue baby blanket lying over the arm of the couch, and the pacifier sitting on the coffee table.
“I have a son,” Roan blurted, coming around to stand beside him. “If that bothers you, I think—”
“But you’re not married, right?”
“Uh … no.”
“No long-term boyfriend?”
“No.”
Yeah, it was safe to say Roan had been hiding something, but the overwhelming relief at knowing it wasn’t a husband or significant other nearly brought Seg to his knees.
Seg spun around so fast he nearly knocked Roan over. Instead, he grabbed Roan’s head and pressed his lips to the man’s. He wasn’t rough, but he hoped like fuck Roan felt his relief.
“I thought you were married,” he mumbled against Roan’s lips before pressing his forehead against Roan’s. “I thought you were hiding because you were in a relationship. The idea of you belonging to another man gnawed at my gut, made me crazy.”
Roan pulled back, staring into his eyes. “Did you hear me? I have a kid.”
Seg smirked. “And that should bother me why?”
“Because…”
Clearly Roan didn’t have an answer for that one.
“Because I’m a hockey player? Why in the hell would I want kids? Or because I’m in the closet? Couldn’t possibly want kids then either, right?”
Roan’s golden eyes widened, and Seg knew the man had been using both of those things as excuses for not being with him. Roan definitely intrigued him, even if he had a way of pissing him off like no one else.
Forcing himself to take a step back, he released Roan. “Is he here? Your son?”
“He’s asleep.”
“Ahh.” Seg purposely lowered his voice. “I’m sorry, I’ll try to be quiet. I didn’t mean to be so loud.”
“Is this really happening?” Roan looked sincerely perplexed.
“You don’t think too highly of me, do you?” Seg retorted, ignoring the hurt that consumed him.
Roan’s dark eyebrow lifted. “You thought I was married.”
“Touché.” Seg glanced around the room once more. “How old is he? Your son.”
Seg heard Roan release a breath. “Four months. Tomorrow. His name’s Liam. He’s my sister’s son. I’m his legal guardian, now that she’s…”
Yeah. Seg didn’t need him to finish that statement. He nodded in understanding.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Roan offered, his eyes fixing on anything except for Seg’s face.
“Sure. Whatever you’ve got is fine.”
“Baby formula, beer, water, milk, tea…”
“I think I’ll pass on the formula this time,” he answered with a grin.
When Roan stared at him, he could tell the man was still trying to figure him out.
Rather than let him come up with his own reasoning, Seg took a step forward, then another until he was once again crowding Roan. “I don’t know about you, but right here is where I want to be right now. I’m not here to push or prod my way into your life, but you let me in the door. I think the most we can do is live in the moment, eh?” Seg tilted his head to the side. “I can’t deny how much I want you, what I’m willing to risk simply to be here. I’m not asking you to give me more than you can, Roan.”
“I’m not good at this.” Roan’s words were so soft, so tormented.
“I want you. The real you. With all your baggage. I don’t expect you to be someone you’re not. Let’s just take this one step at a time, see where we go?”
It was what felt right to him, and personally, Seg was tired of being someone he wasn’t. The fact that Roan let him in the front door was enough for him. Right now.
Unable to resist, Seg leaned down and kissed Roan. He wasn’t trying to consume him the way he had every other time. He simply wanted to feel him, to taste him, to explore him. To be with him.
When Roan kissed him back, Seg put his hand on Roan’s hip, pulling him closer. Not close enough for their bodies to touch completely, but closer. Enough that he could feel the man’s warmth. Seg didn’t let the kiss ignite, not wanting to allow Roan to get into his own head for too long.
He pulled back and met Roan’s gaze head on. “This,” he whispered, “is all I’m asking you for.”
Roan nodded. “Beer?”
Seg gave an answering nod. “That’s a good start, too.”
ROAN FELT STRANGELY COMFORTABLE WITH Seg wandering around his house. He wasn’t sure how he expected the evening to go once he’d allowed Seg to sweet-talk his way inside. And sweet-talk he had.
Seg’s words were still running through Roan’s head. Even now, as they sat at the kitchen table, staring at one another.
“So, tell me more about Liam. He’s four months old.” Seg grinned. “And forgive me, I’m not up to speed on all things baby.”
“Don’t feel bad,” Roan told him. “I’m not either. He’s precious though. No, he doesn’t sleep through the night, but he’s sleeping for about six hours at a time. I consider myself lucky there.”
“I’d like to meet him sometime,” Seg said softly, drawing Roan’s attention back to him.
He still wasn’t sure that this was real. Colton Seguine, star defenseman for the Austin Arrows, a man Roan had slept with twice—well, to be fair, it had been more than twice, but only two nights—was sitting at his kitchen table asking about his son.
“And your sister,” Seg prompted. “What happened to her?”
“She overdosed. Not on purpose. She was addicted to drugs.”
“Oh, damn. I’m sure that was hard.”
“It wasn’t easy, no.” Roan glanced at his hands once again, holding the beer bottle tightly. “I moved in with her when she was five months pregnant. I guess I was hoping to be her savior, to get her out from under the drugs. It didn’t work.”
“And the baby’s biological father?”
Roan shook his head. “She had no idea who he was. Said it could be one of a dozen.” He didn’t think she was exaggerating either.
“Probably for the best,” Seg noted. “I’m sure Liam’s got everything he needs with you.”
“I’d like to think so. My parents aren’t exactly convinced of that. My stepmother thinks it’s not a good idea for him to be raised in a gay household.”
Seg leaned back. He looked as though he was considering that.
“My father died five years ago,” Seg explained. “My mother and I are close, but not that close. We talk every day, but I keep her in the dark about a lot of things. She’s back home in Toronto, so I don’t get to see her as much as I’d like. She gets down here every couple of months, and I visit whenever we have games up there. Ever been to Canada?”
Roan shook his head.
“She still lives in the same house I grew up in.” Seg grinned. “When I visit, I sleep in the same bed I did when I was a teenager.”
“Does she know that you’re…” Roan doubted she did, but he wanted to ask anyway.
“I think she has an idea, but no, I’ve never told her. I’ve never told anyone.”
“That why you date women?”
Surprisingly, Seg nodded. “I didn’t think that was the case until… Well, if I’m completely honest, it wasn’t until you.” He sounded resolute in his explanation, and Roan found he liked his honesty. “I’ve kept all female contact on the friendship level since … a year and a half ago. I’ve got a few women who’re willing to be on my arm and not expect anything from me. Recently, I did a mental health awareness benefit dinner with a woman who works in the Arrows media department. She asked me. Again, as friends.”
“So no sex with women since … me?” Roan still found that hard to believe.
“No sex with anyone since you.”
Nodding, he looked down again. “I guess it’s not too farfetched.”
“You think it would be? That because I’m a professional athlete, my dick works differently than yours? I can’t control myself?”
Roan felt his defenses shoring up. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
Sighing, he took a sip of his beer, then met Seg’s gaze head on. “I haven’t had sex with anyone since you either. So, no, it’s not unbelievable. But I don’t live my life in the public eye. I don’t have anyone prying into my business every time I turn around. It’s easier for me.” He could admit that much.
“The interest tends to lag when you don’t give the public something juicy,” Seg stated. “Plus, they’ve got all they need right now, feeding off the failings of our last two seasons. The speculation over whether or not the team management is capable of bringing us back from the bottom is off the charts.”
“Y’all will get through this.” Roan was resolute in his belief of that.
“We will,” Seg replied, sitting up straight. “So, tell me about your parents. You mentioned your stepmother. What about your mom?”
Roan hated talking about his mother, but he found he liked sitting here with Seg, getting to know him on more than a physical level. Although, he was having a damn hard time keeping his hands to himself. His palms itched with the need to touch him.
Shaking off the thought, he remembered what Seg had asked. “She left when I was a teenager. Actually, she left when I came out to my family. She insisted the devil had inhabited my body and she wasn’t about to subject herself to that
.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. So, when she left, I vowed never to hide who I truly was to anyone. If people don’t like it, they can mind their own fucking business.”
Seg glanced down at the table and Roan realized what he’d said. He hadn’t meant to be so harsh about it.
Roan sighed again. “I didn’t mean that it’s wrong of you to keep your secret. I get it, even if I don’t like it. I’ve paid attention. It’s not easy for professional athletes to come out.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Hopefully that’ll change at some point.” Roan wasn’t going to hold his breath, but he got it. He really did.
“One day,” Seg noted before taking a long pull on his beer.
“And until then…?” Roan had to know. He wasn’t about to invest his heart in this man only to have him refuse to go out in public with him. It was one thing not to show affection in public, but Roan wanted what his friends had. He wanted to live his life, proud of the man he was with and vice versa.
“Can we take this one day at a time?” Seg inquired, his eyes imploring Roan.
Knowing he wanted to see where this thing was going, Roan had no choice but to agree. After all, he’d spent the past year and a half thinking about Seg. And the man was right about one thing. Whatever this thing between them was, it didn’t happen every day. Hell, he wasn’t sure it happened every lifetime.
Roan nodded, but before he could say anything, a familiar wail sounded from the monitor sitting on the bar. He glanced over to see Seg smiling from ear to ear. Seg must’ve seen his confusion because he got to his feet.
Seg shrugged off his suit coat and laid it over the back of the chair. “I get to meet him, eh?”
Strange how Seg’s eagerness went straight to his heart.
Thirteen
AFTER FOLLOWING ROAN DOWN A short hallway off the living room, Seg paused while Roan opened the first door they came to. For whatever reason, Seg’s chest felt as though he’d been inflated. Why he was so excited, he had no fucking clue.
Harmless (Pier 70 Book 4) Page 12
