The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  “We didn’t talk all that much—I guess. We went to his little cubby, and I read him something—a book about—birds.”

  “Birds, huh?”

  “Yeah, birds. I guess he’s some kind of bird-lover or something. I’m going back tomorrow to finish it.”

  As much as Dex enjoyed the idea of stringing his sister along, he suddenly lost patience. “Just how stupid do you think I am, Daphna? I’ve always known you were a phony.”

  “What do you mean, phony? Who called you stupid? But never mind, you’re being stupid now.”

  Dex tried to calm himself. Of course Daphna couldn’t know he was on to her.

  “Okay, tell me this,” he said. “Did you talk about me?”

  “Oh, sure, we talked about you the whole time. I mean, as you know, the world revolves around you.” But Daphna looked deeply uncertain, however pointed her words.

  “So,” Dex continued, relishing the upper hand, “there was no time to squeeze in anything about Mom and Dad then?”

  “What, like I’m going to tell a complete stranger the story of my life? I’m not stupid, you know.” Daphna was getting angry now. Her brother was obviously looking for some way to put her down. He constantly made fun of her for visiting the old folks at The R & R.

  Dex and Daphna turned away from each other, exasperated, and both happened to look over at the ABC. Emmet was out front, donning his shades and heading off to do who knew what awful things.

  “I just don’t see why you need some old fart to get you out of here,” Dexter said. “If you want to run away, just run away.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Dexter,” Daphna retorted. “Is this your idea of a joke?” She got to her feet. “I don’t know why I even bother,” she said, “but here’s a little piece of advice: people might actually talk to you if you learned some basic social skills.”

  “You mean like they talk to you?”

  “Yes!”

  “Daphna,” Dex said, amazed. He’d often considered saying this, but now was the time, after what she said about him to Rash. “Are you telling me,” he sneered, “that you don’t know the only time anyone talks to you at school is so you’ll do their work?”

  “YOU’RE A BIG FAT LIAR, DEXTER WAX!” Daphna wailed. “Wren and Teal—”

  “I saw them both in the park last week,” Dex said. He laughed. This was a bald-faced lie, but if he had to hear his sister say those two names one more time, he was going to lose his mind.

  “I don’t believe you,” Daphna muttered, her voice broken.

  Deciding he’d won, Dex looked at his sister and said, coolly, “Daphna, you know very well you weren’t reading a book about birds. You were sitting across from that old dude, and he was making you read some gobbledygook over and over in a long, skinny book—he was leaning over, holding on to it while you read, like you were gonna eat the pages or something.”

  Daphna screwed up her whole face. Her mind was twisting. Why was Dex saying these things, and why did they make her feel so dizzy?

  “And he said some wacko words,” Dex added, smirking. In a magician’s extravagant voice and with an exaggerated flourish of his hands, he pronounced, “Graaaal!”

  “That’s right! ” Daphna’s face had drained itself of color, and she tottered on her feet. It all started coming back in a rush.

  “That’s right!” she repeated, falling back into her chair and breaking into tears. “I—I was so scared!” she sputtered. “Dex! How—how do you know this?!”

  Dex scrutinized his sister. She was nearly hyperventilating. She looked frantic, really scared, and—he had to admit—she was no actress.

  So he told her he’d happened to see Emmet go into the store, and since he’d seen him around the neighborhood menacing people, he’d decided to spy on him, which led to his discovery of the rusted trap door on the roof leading to the loft overhanging half the warehouse. It was a weak story, he knew, but Daphna was in no condition to dissect it.

  Daphna shivered as Dexter spoke, her very bones recalling the terror she suppressed the whole time she sat in Rash’s creepy little cubby. It was a much more powerful version of what she’d felt upon seeing his silhouette through the curtain with her father. She couldn’t conceive of how she hadn’t remembered any of it.

  “I’ll never go near him again!” Daphna swore. “Why did he make me keep reading that—that—what was it, Dex?”

  “I have no idea,” said Dex. “It made no sense. He said you were going to be his new assistant.”

  “He wants me to leave with him!” Daphna wailed. She was appalled. “Who is he? Why does he want me?”

  Dex disliked the look that passed momentarily across his sister’s face. It was as if she’d pondered which of her outstanding qualities made her so abductable.

  “He said something about watching for the First Tongue right away,” Dex said, letting it go. “But that makes no sense.”

  This was something to latch on to at least. Unnerved at the thought of being kidnapped, Daphna considered the phrase a moment.

  “Well,” she said, “‘Tongue’ can also mean language, of course. I’m tutoring in both French and Spanish this year. But what could ‘first language’ mean?”

  “Who knows?” Dex replied, irritated by his sister’s know-it-all tone. But then, mostly kidding, he said, “Once on TV, I saw some guy hypnotize his dog by chanting some goofy word. Made him think he was a duck, and he actually started quacking.”

  “Yes!” Daphna cried. “It has to be something like that! Wait, if Rash thinks it’s some kind of magic language, then of course he’d be interested in it! That whole place has nothing but books on magic!” She put her heels on the edge of the chair and wrapped her arms around her knees.

  “Is it possible?” Daphna asked. “He scares me, Dex. When he talks, all you know is his voice. I was in a daze. Something freaky is going on. I don’t think I would ever have remembered if you hadn’t—”

  “—told you what happened.”

  Daphna leapt to her feet. “Wait a minute! He made Dad give him that book yesterday. He was doing some weird thing moving his lips, but he must have hypnotized Dad, too! At dinner, Dad started to remember when I told him he gave the book away! I didn’t tell him enough!”

  “Dad’s mixed up in all this.” Dex realized it the moment he said it.

  “Why do you say that?!” Daphna demanded.

  Dex told her how he’d found their father in the middle of the night muttering about “botching” things and how he wasn’t a “bad man.”

  “Well,” Daphna replied, taking her seat once again, “maybe that’s because he didn’t mean to give a potentially valuable book away to such a psycho. He did botch the negotiation for it, but that’s because Rash made him! Maybe he said he’s not a bad man because he feels guilty for staying away on this last scouting trip for so long! Who knows? We’ve got to find him and tell him what happened!”

  “That wasn’t the only word he said,” Dex realized. He was warming up to the idea that Rash really was some sort of hypnotist. “He also said, ‘Kalice.’”

  “This is crazy,” Daphna said, “but something tells me I’m lucky to have gotten out of there.” She looked down at the tabletop and said, “About all that stuff I said about you—well, I’m sorry. It’s just that if you actually took it as advice, you’d—”

  Dex looked blankly at his sister. One of her classic “apologies.” It didn’t even deserve a response.

  “Anyway,” Daphna said, “I’m going home to wait for Dad to come back. Hey! Maybe that’s what that book is! It was full of bizarre looking words! Maybe they’re for hypnotism!”

  “What was he going to do to your eyes?” Dex asked, wondering if such a thing might actually be possible.

  “I don’t know,” Daphna said. “But he said he needed something in that ledger Emmet always has up front. Anyway,” she said again, shuddering, “I don’t care. I’m never going anywhere near either one of those horrid people ag
ain for as long as I live.”

  “You know,” Dex said, “that guy who made his dog start quacking. He had to say his word again to make it stop.”

  “Right! Maybe we can snap Dad out of it with those words! What were they again?”

  “’Graal’ and ‘Kalice.’”

  “Graal and Kalice, Graal and Kalice,” Daphna repeated. Then she leveled her eyes at Dex and said, “You’re a duck.”

  “What? Oh, quack,” Dex said with the hint of a smile.

  “Worth a try,” Daphna said, smiling too. But then she got serious again. “Maybe we don’t have the words just right, but they really are worth a try.” She rose again and said,

  “We both should go home and wait for Dad. Latty’s probably already having a conniption.”

  “You go,” said Dex. “I’m gonna hang out for a while, do some thinking.”

  “Ah, okay,” Daphna replied, though she wanted to slug Dexter for his total lack of concern for their father. But the truth was she’d probably be better off without his help. She headed off, muttering, “Graal and Kalice. Graal and Kalice,” as she walked.

  Dex had no intentions of thinking. Doing was his new thing. He got up, made sure Emmet wasn’t around, then rushed across the street and back down behind the warehouse.

  Daphna, for once, had given him a good idea. If this were true, if it wasn’t just TV gimmicks combined with his sister going crazy, and there really were words that could hypnotize people—even though it went against every fiber of his being, against his bottomless loathing of books and everything to do with them—he wanted those words. Ruby would help him. She was good at languages, his French grade notwithstanding. Even just one, if it’s the right one, Dex thought, my life would never be the same.

  Dexter climbed to the roof and back down onto the loft with no problems. As he forced his way through the dust toward Rash’s cubby, he realized this was actually turning out to be the best day he’d had in recent memory, even if it involved his sister. Then he was there, and Rash was right below him, sitting at his desk.

  “Calm yourself, Asterius,” Rash exhorted himself while leafing tenderly through the pages of the book. His voice was nearly hysterical. “You can’t be certain. Don’t be hasty this time! Emmet, you fool! This is no time for your ridiculous hunting! Bring me my ledger! Blast my memory!” Rash went back to fondling his book, but then howled, “Can it be true? Don’t be hasty, Asterius! Not after you’ve waited this long!” Muttering to himself then, he leaned over the book so far that his right eye socket was actually on it.

  Witnessing this display, Dex slowly lost his nerve. He could plainly see Rash wasn’t going to toss the book on his desk and walk away. However emboldened he felt, confronting the old man didn’t seem like a wise idea. But all was not lost. There was this ledger, which sounded like a decent consolation prize.

  The moment Dex set foot on the ground behind the warehouse, a voice hissed his name. “Dexter! What on earth do you think you’re doing?! ” It was Daphna. She’d nearly made his heart stop.

  “I thought I’d see if I could swipe the book back for Dad,” Dex said. “But the guy’s like halfway making out with it.”

  “How could you go back in there after what he did to me?” Daphna demanded. “After what we’ve already figured out? How could you risk it? Are you an idiot?!” Daphna didn’t mean to say that, and she could plainly see she’d lost Dex now. With a stony glare, he simply walked around her and onto the steps.

  “Dex!” Daphna grabbed his arm. “I’m sorry, but you’re being totally reckless!”

  Dex snorted.

  “I’m just scared, okay?” Daphna shouted. “I came back because I think I mixed up those two words and knew you’d remember. I saw you go back here, and I’ve been scared half-to-death.”

  “That’s your problem,” said Dex through gritted teeth. “Now back off,” he added, pulling his arm free. “I’m going to see if the ledger is up front before that pasty faced ape comes back.”

  “Dexter!” Daphna called as her brother bounded up the steps. “If you go in there, I’ll—I’ll call Latty, I swear.” But Dex didn’t even look back at her.

  He was going to get himself killed.

  flirting with disaster

  Dex took a quick peek around the corner. No one was out front, so he edged along slowly until he could see into the store. The coast was clear. His sister was still pleading with him from the steps, but he no longer heard her. Opportunity was knocking way too loudly.

  With a dash, he was inside.

  That has to be the ledger, Dex thought. Right there on the desk was a large, crusty, official looking old book. A small fleet of regular sized books surrounded it, each lying open as well. This was going to be a breeze. He walked around behind the desk and scooped the book up, feeling like a master thief. But the book was far heavier even than it looked. It fell through his hands, hit the edge of the chair and landed under the desk. Dex got to his knees, amused: that might have been the first time he ever un intentionally dropped an old book.

  Dexter got hold of the ledger and dragged it out, but just before he moved to stand, he heard the door open. “Wait, Emmet!” he heard Daphna shout.

  Panicked, he slipped the ledger back on the desk and crouched underneath. “Come on,” his sister was coaxing. She and Emmet had evidently stepped into the store. “I’ve been dying to talk to you since the first day I came in here,” she said.

  Emmet responded with stuttering. “Ah, um, I’m—I got to get back to work or the old man’ll—”

  “We could just get a slice of pizza,” Daphna suggested. “On me.”

  There was a long pause. Dex sweated.

  “I just think you’re kind of cute is all.”

  Another painful pause.

  Finally, Daphna said, “Please, Emmet? ”in a voice Dex had never heard. It was timid, but somehow not timid at all. It made him distinctly uncomfortable.

  “I’ll wait for you outside,” Daphna said. The door opened and closed. She’d gone.

  There was silence in the room, silence but for Emmet’s increasingly stressed breathing. It seemed to stretch endlessly, but then, to Dex’s profound relief, he heard the door open and close again.

  After a few moments, Dex stood up and grabbed the ledger. But no sooner was it in his hands again than he heard the sound of shuffling feet from the other side of the closest stack of shelves. He froze. Two bony legs inside a brown robe were visible through a row of crooked books. Still clutching the ledger, Dex climbed back under the desk.

  “I really love old books,” Daphna said, again. “They’re so—unique—and—different—” She was flailing. That had to be the eighth time she’d said the same thing in one way or another, but what else was there to say? Emmet hadn’t uttered so much as a word the whole way to the pizza parlor, and he wouldn’t look at her either. This was preferable, of course, even with the sunglasses, but still disconcerting.

  Now they were sitting in a booth, and he was staring at his lap. Daphna was sure Dexter was safely out of the store by now, but she didn’t know how to get away. If her brother was okay, the first thing she was going to do when she saw him was kill him.

  Finally, Emmet spoke, though without looking up. “I never thought another girl would be nice to me,” he said. Then he blurted, “Once there were lots of girls—and lots of boys—and they were all nice to me. He says it’s a dream.” Emmet didn’t continue. He seemed to drift into thought.

  It was obvious that this boy was seriously disturbed, but she’d gotten this far, and so easily. Daphna never thought she was capable of flirting, but it worked just the way it did for the Pop girls who made eyes at boys in school when they wanted favors. It just came to her in desperation. All she did was say ‘please’ in that corny shy voice while batting her eyes a few times. And it worked like a charm! Emmet seemed almost harmless now.

  Maybe, since she was here with him, she could be more than just a distraction. Maybe she could get some real inf
ormation. “Emmet,” Daphna whispered, “What’s going on? What does Rash want?”

  “Words of course,” Emmet said, but nothing more.

  “That book my dad gave Rash,” Daphna pressed, “do you know what it is?”

  “Could be some book he’s been looking for,” Emmet answered, flatly. “A book he thought was destroyed. He’s not sure yet, though. Kept me up all night trying to read it to him, but I—can’t anymore.” Then he added sharply, “That’s all I’m sayin’.”

  Daphna reached out and put her hand on Emmet’s. He looked up, not at her, but at her hand.

  “Emmet,” she said softly, “is Rash going to fire you?”

  This did the trick. Emmet flashed her a quick look, then forced his eyes back down. “What do you mean? ” he demanded. “What did he tell you?”

  “He asked me if I wanted to be his new assistant,” Daphna said. If it were possible, Emmet paled. His jaw clenched.

  “But I’m not going to do it,” Daphna hastened to add, sensing she’d hit a bull’s-eye. “I told him no—here, I’ll make you a deal,” she said. “If you tell me what you know, I’ll tell you what I know.”

  “What did he say!”

  “You first,” Daphna insisted. Then, before he could object, she asked, “Is my father involved with Rash?”

  “You are,” Emmet said, startling her. But he startled Daphna even more by adding, “You and your mother.”

  “My mother? ”

  “He doesn’t tell me anything,” Emmet explained, “but once, when I was a kid, I was reading him the newspaper. He was blind back then, too. That’s why he saved me, to help him. I know I’m not the first, ‘cause sometimes he calls me other names. He’s bull-headed, but he’s a good man to put up with me. He’s gonna let me do it soon.”

  “Yes,” Daphna said, hoping she sounded encouraging rather than chilled. She gave Emmet’s hand a slight squeeze, which got him talking again.

  “I read him this article about how a book lady got killed in some caves somewhere in Turkey,” Emmet said. “Rash laughed like crazy, but when I read she was a mother, he went berserk and started screaming, ‘She already found it! She already found it!’ And then he actually started crying.”