The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  “Oh, it is,” Daphna agreed in that annoying, I’m-an-expert voice. “It’s very rare, worth eight or nine hundred bucks, I bet. We’ve got to be careful or it’ll get damaged.”

  “Who cares!” Dex couldn’t feign interest any longer. “Find the words already, would you? Videre—Per—Alterum.”

  Daphna blinked. “Fine. Jeez! You’re the one who asked.” She flipped to the back pages. “Oh, there’s a list of prefixes back here,” she said. “Here’s ‘per,’ right here. It means, ‘through.’ Okay, so let’s find ‘Videre,’ since I’m near the back anyway. Hmmm—”

  Dexter huffed impatiently as Daphna flipped back a few pages with her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth.

  “Videre,” she read, her eyes having zeroed in on their target. “It means, ‘To see.’ Right then. So far, we’ve got, ‘To see through.” She was already turning to the front of the book, and she had the last word in just a few seconds. “Others!” she declared. “‘Alterum’ means, ‘others’— To see through others.”

  “What does that mean?” Dex asked. “What’s that got to do with hypnotism?” Then, jesting, he added, “Maybe he wants xray vision, too.”

  This didn’t sound as farfetched as it might have, the twins both realized, but it didn’t seem right.

  Daphna thought a moment. “Well,” she said, “it says ‘see through others’ not ‘see through things.’ ‘Others’ sounds like people, doesn’t it? I’ve got it! He wants to read people’s minds! He wants to be psychic! Dex, I can’t believe all this stuff might actually be real.”

  The twins paused to consider this new theory. It was certainly a much better guess. But after a moment, Dex said, “I don’t think that’s right. I mean, how would that help him know if the book Dad already gave him is the one he’s looking for?”

  “I don’t know,” Daphna replied. “Actually, it kind of seems like he can read people’s minds now. I mean, when Dad and I went in there, he demanded the book right away, like he already had an idea what it was. By the way, I forgot to tell you—Emmet told me they’ve known about us for our whole lives. He’s been watching our house at night. That really freaks me out.”

  It freaked Dexter out too, but he preferred not to think about it just then. “How did Rash know something was going on in the back of the store, when I was on the loft?” he asked. “With Emmet and—Wait a minute!” Dex cried. “It has something to do with Emmet! Emmet was there when you and Dad came in right? Emmet was in the back when I was on the loft, and—he knows when Emmet is out hunting or whatever.”

  “Are we saying Rash reads Emmet’s mind?” Daphna asked.

  “I don’t know,” Dex said, thinking back over what they’d seen between Emmet and Rash. Mind reading didn’t quite make sense.

  “No,” Dex concluded after further consideration. “Emmet would never have gone off with you and told you all that stuff if Rash could read his mind. Didn’t you say he wouldn’t look at you? I wonder—”

  “That’s it! ” Daphna whooped. The truth had dawned on her at once. “He can see. To see through others! Rash can see through Emmet’s eyes! That’s why he wouldn’t look at me—so Rash wouldn’t know I was with him!

  “Emmet saw Dad and me come in, and then Rash saw the book when Emmet looked at it. And that’s why he started banging his cane on the table!”

  “And that’s why he knew what we looked like.”

  It felt good to find the pieces falling together, even if it was also frightening.

  “But now Emmet is going blind, too,” Dexter said. Then he got it. “He needs the word that will let him do that again, with you, from that book dad’s getting him!”

  “Right! So it makes sense that Rash wants to make me his new assistant! You know, I think he was going to try to teach me to use those words—in the ledger—before he got that book of nonsense. I’ll bet he was going to force me to do something for him. But now he wants me to look for this—”

  “First Tongue thing.”

  “Right! What is that? Wait a sec.” Daphna turned and typed the phrase into a search engine she called up. Nothing looked useful.

  “Hold on,” she said, returning to the rare book site. She copied in Videre Per Alterum, spelled correctly, but to no avail. It didn’t come up in any of the other book related sites either. Conceding, Daphna moaned, “I don’t know what to do, Dex. We need to stop Dad from getting that book. Maybe we should just tell him all this when he gets back.”

  “It won’t matter,” Dex said. “Rash got to him again, remember?”

  “Then, I guess I could go with him when he gets it and, I don’t know, grab it? When do you think they’ll be back? I think we ought to keep looking for info on this First Tongue. Maybe if we figure out what Rash is really after, we can do something about it. We need some answers, Dex, fast.”

  Dex couldn’t agree more. “I think I’ll walk up to the library and see what they have,” he said.

  Daphna looked amazed, but he ignored her.

  “They’ve got tons of stuff on myths and legends, right?” said Dex. “They probably have books with magic spells and all that kind of stuff. You can wait here in case Dad gets back and tries to go for the Latin book— What? ”

  “Nothing,” Daphna said. “I mean that’s great. I—I was just thinking maybe you might want to wait here. I mean, since I know exactly where all those books are at the—”

  “You’re welcome to come with me,” Dex said, trying to control his tone. Of course Daphna wanted to be the one to figure it all out. “But I’m not staying here.”

  Daphna looked miffed, but managed to stifle whatever she wanted to say. “Fine,” is what came out. “Check out anything you can find and bring it right home, okay?”

  “Right,” Dex said, knowing he’d do nothing of the sort.

  surprise! (part one)

  He heard the crying the moment he stepped back inside. Dex had reached the end of the driveway when he realized he’d forgotten his sweatshirt, and so turned back. It was Daphna, in her room. Dex tiptoed near and found her door ajar.

  Sniffling now, Daphna was dialing the phone. “Hello?” she said, hesitantly, “Is this Wren’s mom? Um—um—this is—this is—I’m sorry, is—I was just wondering—is—Wren home—from camp yet?”

  There was a pause.

  “Summer camp?” Daphna clarified, though weakly. “In California?”

  Another pause.

  “I see,” Daphna croaked. “No, I must have made a mistake. No message. I’m sure I’ll see her around. Thank you.” She waited, then slammed the receiver down. Then, nothing.

  They really aren’t at camp! Dexter thought. And he’d made that up! Oh, this was rich. Dex actually had to cover his mouth, but then he heard crying again. It was different this time. Daphna was sobbing violently. It sounded like actual, physical pain. The thought crossed Dex’s mind that he ought to comfort his sister. He even took a step toward the door, but what could he possibly say? Not a single word came to mind.

  Instead, Dex stole away. He was the last person Daphna would want to talk to right now. He grabbed his sweatshirt from the floor in the laundry room, threw it on, then headed back outside and on his way.

  Dex broke into a jog. It was time to see Ruby. He hadn’t been sure he wanted to see her today, despite her request for a birthday visit. But not any more. He needed to know why she’d helped him with Rash.

  Dex picked up the pace, heading straight for the Multnomah Village Rest and Rehabilitation Home.

  Daphna cried so hard, she actually threw up. Sullenly, she balled up her blanket and sheets for the wash. Wren and Teal weren’t even on her mind while she and Dex were trying to figure out what was going on. But the second her brother left the house, she was blindsided by the need to find out whether she’d been lied to or not.

  The truth was devastating. She was no better off than Dexter! Maybe she was worse off. At least he didn’t delude himself. They lied! Wren and Teal, smiling right to her face on the last
day of school! And all she wanted to do was hang out once in a while, maybe get some pointers about the cool way they wore their hair. She’d even dared to hope they might let her show them the ABC. After all the help she’d given them with, with everything!

  Daphna wanted to go on a rampage. She wanted to break things. Big things. She wanted to destroy her room, the entire house and everything in it, books and all. No, not the books—

  The R & R!

  Daphna had a reading session scheduled at the Home—in half an hour! It had completely slipped her mind.

  Great, she thought. Maybe she should just skip it. Yes, she should skip it. There was way too much going on. The last thing Daphna wanted to do now was read to a bunch of silly old people, half of whom drifted off or didn’t pay attention to her anyway. But, she thought, they’d sit there waiting for her all afternoon. Daphna couldn’t do that to them. I’ll tell them I’m not feeling well. She grabbed the phone and called, but the line was busy. She tried again, but had no luck. When she put the phone down, it rang.

  It was Latty. “Oh, thank goodness!” she sighed. “Is everything okay?”

  “How’s Dad?” Daphna asked.

  “He’s okay. Resting. They think its just exhaustion. We’ll be home in a couple of hours. I just wanted to make sure everything’s okay.”

  Daphna was relieved. “Latty,” she said, “about Mom, and Mr. Rash—”

  “Daphna,” Latty interrupted, “I don’t know anything about a book they were both looking for. But I told you, under no circumstances should you have anything to do with that vile man. And you’re not to leave the house. Let me speak to Dexter.”

  “He left.”

  “What? ”

  “And I’m leaving, too,” Daphna said, though she didn’t mean it. Then she hung up without saying good-bye. That felt really good.

  Of course the phone rang immediately, but Daphna wasn’t picking up. And since she was obviously facing several hours cooped up listening to it ring, she decided she would leave. She’d run over to the R & R to say she was sick in person, then head to the library to do some proper research. Even if Dex had finally decided to show some initiative, she couldn’t imagine he had the slightest idea what to do. As soon as this was decided, Daphna hurried off. The phone was still ringing.

  Even though his sister was at home, Dex took a few unnecessary side streets along his way to the familiar, odd building. But here it was with its slightly bowed walls. It was an old wooden thing, and together with the funny little structure on the roof, the place reminded him of all those pictures of Noah’s Ark he’d colored so incompetently as a child.

  Dex pulled his hood down over his face, then slipped inside through the service entrance. No one ever saw him come in, but he wasn’t taking chances. The employee elevator took him to the third floor, and when he saw the hall was empty, he ran to room 306 and knocked quickly. There was no answer, so he knocked again. He hadn’t considered the possibility Ruby wouldn’t be home.

  As he waited, a door at the end of the hall opened and an old woman leaned out. Dex looked over at her, but then back at the door quickly. He knocked impatiently. The old lady was coming down the hall. It was stupid he knew, but Dex did not like being seen there—by anyone. He was just about to turn and run, but the door finally opened. He dashed inside.

  Fifteen minutes later, Daphna walked through the front doors of The R & R, three floors below.

  “Ah, Daphna!” cooed the Home’s director from her orderly desk in the lobby. Her name was Evelyn Idun. “I was worried you weren’t going to make it today. You’re always so early,” she said, pushing her pointy glasses up her pointy nose.

  Everything about Evelyn was pointy. She was tall and strikingly skinny, and her shoulders, knees and elbows seemed to point this way and that like one of those signposts that shows the way to several cities at once. At the same time, her skin looked slightly baggy. It wasn’t that she looked really old—Daphna figured she was in her sixties. It looked more like she’d lost a lot of weight too quickly.

  “But of course,” Evelyn added with a smile, “you never miss an appointment.”

  “Oh, well, I’m—I’m feeling kinda lousy actually,” Daphna muttered. It wasn’t a complete lie. She felt about as badly as she ever had in her life.

  “Oh, no!” Evelyn said, her face creasing with concern. “I hope it’s nothing serious. You should, but—”

  Daphna hoped she was going to tell her to head back home. That way, she’d only be going along with the suggestion.

  “Well,” Evelyn said, “I think maybe you should just run on up to the lounge and say hello. Tell everyone you’re not feeling well. They’ll understand if you can’t stay.”

  Daphna considered asking Evelyn to make apologies for her, but she felt too guilty. “Okay,” she sighed. “You’re right. The Dwarves will understand.”

  “What’s that, Daphna, doll?”

  “Oh, nothing. I’m sorry. I’ll just head on up now.”

  “Grand. You are an angel, Daphna Wax!”

  Daphna grinned, despite herself.

  “Oh,” Evelyn added, her eyes narrowing playfully, “tell that father of yours he ought to return his friends’ calls once in a while.” She always said that, and Daphna always did, even though she’d given up a long time ago on the possibility of her father ever dating Eveyln.

  Daphna rode the elevator up to the third floor, wondering at herself for calling her group the ‘Dwarves’ in front of Evelyn. She’d secretly dubbed her reading group ‘The Seven Dwarves’ because they were all short and kind of silly, and, of course, because there were seven of them. How embarrassing. She was really losing it.

  When the elevator opened, Daphna walked slowly toward the lounge at the end of the hall, trying to look as awful as she felt. She almost wished Dex were around to give her some advice since he faked being sick at least once a month to make Latty keep him home from school. Daphna had never done that in her entire life. She took a deep breath and walked into the orange-carpeted lounge.

  “SURPRISE! ”

  Seven feeble but festive voices greeted Daphna’s entrance, and a rain of fairly pitiful but well-intentioned streamers wafted toward her feet. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ” the group wheezed and then weakly tooted party horns.

  Daphna looked around at all the old faces smiling at her. As usual, everyone talked at once in their various funny accents, wishing her happiness and health and long life and a good marriage with many children and a dozen other things she couldn’t hear. When Daphna saw the collection of cafeteria cupcakes sitting on the card table in the center of the room, she was so touched that she momentarily forgot the troubles that seemed to have come out of nowhere in the last twenty-four hours. Just those two little words, ‘Happy Birthday,’ were a balm that soothed her aching mind.

  There was Mrs. Kunyan, beaming with her red cheeks and mile-wide smile. And there was Mrs. Deucalion in her floral housedress and fuzzy slippers nudging bashful Mr. Dwyfan to show more enthusiasm. Mr. Tumbainot was in fine health today, but he often seemed to have a cold when Daphna read to the group and interrupted her with his thunderous sneezing. Mr. Hina winked his lazy eye at her. It made him look sleepy all the time, but of course they all looked sleepy all the time to Daphna. Even grumpy Mr. Bergelmir was grinning. Mrs. Tapi was too, although as usual she was distracted by the little silver pill box she was always sorting through. Yes, the Dwarves were all there, and Daphna was glad.

  “A teenager!” Mrs. Deucalion cooed. “How does it feel? I can’t remember, myself. Too long ago! Much too long ago!”

  Here goes nothing, Daphna thought.

  “Actually, I’m not feeling very well. Thank you all so much, though.”

  “Not feeling well?!” cried Mr. Hina. Every face in the room went serious. The entire group rushed to her—or rushed, Daphna thought, in the way an anxious ring of ancient sea turtles might rush.

  “Nothing serious, I hope,” said Mrs. Kunyan, the first to reach Daphna. �
�We were so looking forward to your visit today.” The others were simultaneously expressing their concerns and offering advice on what remedies she ought to seek right away.

  “No, no, I’m okay. I just—” Daphna groped for words. The excessive concern everyone was showing made her feel terribly uncomfortable. They were acting like it was some sort of medical emergency. Didn’t they have anything more to look forward to than hearing her read? Daphna didn’t want to get old if it meant ending up so needy like these people, however nice they were.

  “You’re sweating!” Mrs. Tapi fretted. “You should go home and rest.”

  “Yes,” Daphna said quietly, looking down at the carpet. She was sweating.

  “Maybe you’ll come back after dinner?” This was Mr. Tumbainot. His unified ivory brow lifted expectantly. Everyone fell silent, waiting for Daphna’s reply with an embarrassing amount of expectation. It was ridiculous!

  Daphna meant to say no—how could she possibly say yes with all the chaos raging around her? But when she looked around at all the kindly, eager faces, she wavered. Then she caved. Saying no would be like telling a classroom full of kids they couldn’t have the candy they were promised. “Sure,” she said, “I’ll do my best.”

  “Wonderful!” announced Mr. Bergelmir, clapping his hands. Everyone concurred that this was wonderful. He put a hand on Daphna’s shoulder and walked her into the hall. “We will look forward to your return, Daphna,” he said, then turned and closed the door on a vigorous conversation in the lounge.

  surprise! (part two)

  Halfway down the hall, in front of room 306, Daphna stopped to check her watch. At the same moment, she heard a voice from behind the door.

  “I hate them all!” it shouted.

  Daphna knew that voice. But it couldn’t be. She pressed her ear against the door.

  “As I have so often told you,” a woman was saying, “this world is a pitiless place. The uncommon find few friends. Even those closest to you sometimes cannot be trusted. Find an ally who can help you put your anger in the right place.”