Carry You Home (Carry Your Heart #2)

by K. Ryan

  "I'm gonna lay down for a little while."

  I just nodded, watching numbly as my dad shuffled back into the house with Cooper right behind him. But instead of following him inside like I probably should have, I sat there with my eyes glued on the driveway with a torrent of thoughts racing through my mind. I couldn't have pinned down one coherent thought if I tried and suddenly, I was back inside the house, taking the stairs two by two until I shut my bedroom door behind me.

  My hands, trembling with the weight of what I was about to do, closed around that half-opened letter and I traced my name scribbled on the front. Then, with a quick inhale for strength, I ripped it open the rest of the way and tore the paper from the envelope, my heart racing as I read the first words, Hey Iz.

  My lips lifted into a grin and I bit down on my bottom lip.

  If you're reading this, I must've finally done something right. Or maybe I finally wore you down and you're just reading this to humor me. I don't care as long as you keep reading. I know you think I let you leave all those years ago and never gave you a second thought, but I've written to you almost every day since the day you pulled out of the driveway. I just never sent you the letters because I figured you wouldn't read them, so instead, I wrote in the notebooks Saul gave you.

  I've never stopped thinking about you. I've never stopped wanting you. I've never stopped loving you. Everything's in those notebooks and in that shoebox, Iz. You just need to read it all, okay? Come find me when you're done.

  Love you always,

  Caleb

  I sucked in a deep breath and swallowed back the lump in my throat. And before I really understood what I was doing, I gently set aside the notebooks for now and took the lid off the shoebox to lift out the first letter my fingers touched.

  Hey Iz,

  Today's Christmas. It's weird being in here with all these guys who are feeling the exact same thing I am right now. We all miss somebody. We all wish we were somewhere else. We all wish we'd done something different so we wouldn't be in this place. We've been watching Rudolph and I wish someone would turn on Elf because I know you like that movie better...

  The next one was more of the same.

  I was talking to this guy in the library today about you. I told him I used to have a girl who streaked through the campus at Duke and he didn't believe me. Then I realized I said 'used to' and I had to walk away. I thought I was going to break down right in front of that guy...

  And then there was this one:

  I dreamed last night we were in our bed. I was holding you and some crying woke us up. I told you to stay in bed and went into that third bedroom. There was this little tiny baby in a blue crib and I picked the baby up and sat in the rocking chair until he went to sleep again. Is it weird I dreamed we had a boy? I know that's what I thought I wanted awhile ago, but now I just keep thinking about little girls: fluffy princess dresses or whatever little girls wear, playing with Barbies or My Little Pony, glitter, and all that pink. I probably sound like a pedophile or something to anyone else who reads this, but I know you get it...

  And this one:

  I've been dreading today. I knew it was coming and that there was nothing I could do to stop it, but now that it's here, I don't know how I even got out of bed. She'd be a year old today and every time I close my eyes, I'm right back in that hospital, holding your hand and trying to keep it together. I wish I had that memory box they gave us. It would make me cry and crying is the last thing you should do in here, but seeing it might help a little. I hope you're not alone. Maybe you're with your dad or my mom? I don't want you to be alone today...

  Each one was more devastating than the last and each one showed me yet another facet to Caleb I hadn't known before. Everything he did in prison, every fear, every thought, every single one of Skyler's painful visits, every time he wished I would visit or take his calls, it was all documented in his letters. And at the end of each letter was the same closing: Love you always, Caleb.

  His letters were exactly what I'd always known they would be: testaments to his guilt, his self-loathing, his unwavering love for me and most of all, the spark that would've sent me right back into his arms.

  Now as I sat here with every letter he'd ever written to me in prison scattered around me, I found myself wondering what really would've happened if I'd read them when I first got them, but then I remembered Saul's words last week: life has a way of working itself out.

  And so I pulled the first notebook off the top of the pile and flipped it open. The first entry was dated almost a week after I first left Claremont six years ago and my eyes immediately fell to the words he'd scribbled there.

  Hey Iz,

  This is all I've got. I know you're never going to read this and that's okay. I earned you walking away from me. I earned you never wanting to see me again. I earned having to sit here alone in our empty house. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't be a part of the club, but I still have to work out the details. I wish you were here, Iz. You'd tell me what to do, which way to go, and everything would be okay...

  So not even a week after I left, he knew he was going to leave the club. That particular knowledge wasn't necessarily comforting because he'd had every opportunity to reach out, but he never did. Somewhere, buried underneath my own bitterness, I was beginning to understand why.

  Then I started turning the pages, devouring each notebook one by one and picturing him hunched over scribbling on the page like he was sitting right here next to me, starting and ending each entry the exact same way.

  Hey Iz,

  I did it. I really left. I couldn't write to you yesterday because I was too nervous and I didn't want to say too much before I actually went through with it. The hardest part was walking into the clubhouse with my cut in my hand. I just kept thinking about my dad, about what he would say if he knew what I was doing and why. I don't know, the more I think about it, the more I think he might've at least understood.

  Everything after that needed to happen. The second Marcus opened his mouth, it was just over. I can't even tell you what he said because it's just going to piss me off again and I might put my fist through the wall. But I'm done with the club now. I have to be. I won't stay alive if I let myself go back there. I guess it took losing you to realize how much I wanted to live, how much I wanted to have a better life. At the same time, it just doesn't mean as much without you...

  My heart crept up to my throat and tightened there, holding me in place, forcing me to move on to the next pages.

  The loan got approved. I figured it would since I had an airtight business plan (at least I think it was). Now the real work begins. Now I have to start buying equipment, hiring staff, figuring out marketing, and everything else that goes with it. Saul can only get me so far with all the financial stuff. I'm on my own for everything else and that's okay...

  I'm sitting here in our third bedroom and I know I should get to sleep, but I just can't. Everytime I look up, I see that half-finished mural you painted on the wall and I just want to curl up into a ball on the floor and cry. This is my last night in our house, Iz. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep it, but there's no way I can pay for our house and the building for the shop at the same time. I guess it's just for the best. Living here is like walking around a museum. I feel like I can't touch anything because it might break or disappear and then that memory will be gone. I think I'm going to sleep in here tonight. Torture myself a little more. Wish things were different one more time...

  Things are going good, Iz. I don't know how, but the shop is actually making money. Everything I've been working for is finally starting to happen...

  I saw all those pictures online from your show last night. You looked beautiful. I bet it sold out in an hour. I wanted to buy one, but I wasn't sure if you could see who all the buyers were and I didn't know how you'd feel about it. You deserve everything, Iz. All this success, all this recognition, I knew you'd find it there. I'm so proud of you I can barely see straight...


  Even as I tore through the most recent notebooks, each entry wasn't that different from the last. I'd never been far from his thoughts and he'd never gone a day without wishing things were different.

  Your dad came to see me today. I don't really know what happened with the house, but if he needs money, if he needs some help, I wasn't going to turn him away. I know you'll shit a brick when you find out, but your dad just nailed it on the head. He told me I wouldn't say no because I love you. He was right. There was no way I wasn't giving him that money if it meant making things easier for you down the road (I know you won't see it that way) and if it means sparing you some pain right now, I'm good with you being pissed at me later...

  So your dad keeps showing up at my shop. I think he's checking on me. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to get some food with him and you'll never believe this, but I actually went and it was actually okay. I never thought I'd ever say that, let alone go anywhere with him willingly...

  Finally, I got to the entry he'd written the night before I came back to Claremont and I knew that after this entry, I'd be ready to stop reading.

  Hey Iz,

  Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for. I always knew you'd come back eventually. I just didn't know when and I didn't know it would be for something like this. I'm so sorry, Iz. I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you, but I know it doesn't work that way. I don't know when I'll see you and I don't know how you'll react to me when you do, but I can wait a little bit longer. Maybe this place will finally start to feel like home again when you're back. I don't know. I think anywhere would be just fine as long as I was with you. I know I shouldn't hope for anything because it's been too long and so many things have changed, but I'm still going to hope anyway.

  Love you always,

  Caleb

  I swallowed hard as I shut the notebook and stared at the mess of paper and envelopes covering my floor. Tears pricked my eyes and my chest tightened, but there would be no frantic scrambling to get away as fast as I could and hide in the bathroom. I'd just done exactly what I always said I'd never do and a rush of calm flowed through me, easing my tears and softening the blow of everything I'd missed, everything I hadn't wanted to see, and everything I'd lost.

  Then I pushed up to my knees so I could scoop up the letters and put them back inside the shoebox. Once I had everything in order again, I picked up the shoebox filled with his letters and the pile of notebooks filled with his words and headed back down the stairs. I passed my dad, who'd perched himself back on the porch sometime during my refuge in my room, and he smiled softly. Cooper just lifted his head off my dad's lap again to acknowledge I was there and then he went back to ignoring me.

  When I finally made my way over to the driveway, I found Caleb hunched over the ATV's engine with his back to me, covered almost all the way up to his elbows in grease and grime. With both hands working tirelessly, cranking and turning something inside the engine, he was too engrossed in his work to hear me approach.

  I cleared my throat. That moment I'd known was coming this morning? It was here.

  "Hey, Caleb?"

  He turned abruptly, his face lined with a confused frown. But then his eyes dropped to the box and the notebooks in my hands and he blinked back at me in surprise as I stepped forward. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down and his eyes never left me as I gingerly held the box out to him. A second later, he wiped his hands to take the box from me and his lips parted, but I cut him off before he had a chance to say anything.

  "I think I'm just gonna take a little walk, okay?" I murmured and jumped to squash any attempt he might make at coming along. "I need to clear my head. I'll be right back."

  His forehead was still lined with a frown, but he nodded anyway. "Okay. Take Coop with you though."

  Right. Safety first. If Caleb wasn't coming with me, Cooper was the next best option. And when we were on the sidewalk with some distance between us and the house, I knew this was exactly what I needed. I just needed a little more time, a little more space and then what? Maybe that was the problem. I knew what was coming next. It was just the coming-to-terms-with-it part that had me dragging my feet.

  I glanced over my shoulder to find Caleb sinking down into the chair next to my dad on the patio and couldn't help the smile that tugged at my lips. I knew he'd do just about anything for me, even if it meant hurting himself.

  In the time leading up to my return to Claremont, I'd managed to convince myself that Caleb hadn't wanted me. That he hadn't wanted to deal with the aftershocks of everything we'd suffered, hadn't wanted to shoulder the responsibility of helping me heal and the radio silence on his end was nothing but ammunition for my despair. At times, my feelings for him had wavered between pathetic longing and desperate hatred, but I'd never been able to convince myself that all the other feelings, the ones buried underneath the shattered pieces of my heart, had ever disappeared.

  And even though the distance between us had been very intentional on Caleb's part, his motivations for cutting our ties were more defined now in a way I could finally wrap my head around.

  He'd honestly believed he was doing the right thing by letting me walk away. In the process, he'd also willing put himself in a self-inflicted purgatory of despair and loneliness. Like he was paying penance for the role he'd played in what had happened to us. Like his guilt was so all-consuming that he'd honestly believed he didn't deserve me.

  In the end, what more did I really want from him at the time? He'd done what he thought I wanted and all I'd done was say one thing but really mean something else like a typical girl. And all my accusations, all my pouting about him not reaching out when I'd basically told him not to by leaving wasn't fair and it definitely wasn't very mature. I wasn't completely innocent here either.

  And I think I understood the root of all my anxiety better now too—aside from my decisions involving school and my internship, I'd had almost zero say in any major aspect of our relationship. From our house all the way to his arrest, Caleb had called all the shots while I'd helplessly and passively flailed out of control with nothing to do but stand by and watch my life fall apart.

  But now, I couldn't help but feel that time and clarity had finally put us on an even playing field.

  As I rounded the corner of our block, my steps slowed, subconsciously giving myself just a few more minutes.

  I loved Caleb Sawyer. I wanted the family and the life we were supposed to have together. I wanted him. I wanted to spend every day and every moment with him for as long as I could.

  What it all came down to now was a matter of trust. Walking up the driveway, stepping onto the porch, and taking my place next to Caleb would mean I would have to choose to trust him. There was nothing he could really say or do to prove he would never push me away or take me for granted again.

  If I did this, I'd have to proceed on trust, faith, and love.

  Life had broken us and the pieces scattered around the highway from Claremont all the way to New York, but I didn't want to be broken anymore.

  I wanted to come home.

  I dropped Cooper's leash when we got into the yard and smiled when Caleb hopped down from the porch to meet me halfway. I gripped the front of his shirt when he was close enough and then leaned forward to press my lips into his mouth. His thumb grazed my cheek and his arms wrapped around my waist to pull me in even closer. My lips moved over his, wanting to taste him, and wanting to show him everything I still hadn't said.

  Finally, I pulled away and leaned my forehead against his with one hand still grazing his cheek. Our eyes locked and the soft lift in his smile told me everything I needed to know.

  "I love you," I whispered.

  Caleb's eyes squeezed shut for just a moment and when they opened again, they gleamed back at me with the unconditional love I'd always found there.

  "I love you, too," he whispered back.

  He tilted his chin just enough to brush his lips against mine again. The finality and the
inevitability of it all left me feeling exactly the way I knew I would: calm, peaceful, elated, and blissfully happy.

  "So I guess this means you want me to stay?" Caleb asked me now, a light, knowing smile curving his mouth.

  I bit back a laugh and grinned. "Yeah, I want you to stay."

  Caleb's smile just widened as his fingers trailed down my cheek and he leaned in to murmur, "Okay, Iz."

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  i fear no fate

  Caleb

  Light slipped in through the blinds and I tugged Isabelle closer to me so I could bury my face in her hair. Her alarm would probably go off soon, but I needed to hold on a little bit longer. All that mattered was her skin and her warmth pressed against me. She hummed a little, turning around so she could press her face into my chest and I slipped my fingertips underneath her tank top.

  "I have to get up soon," Isabelle murmured into my chest.

  "That's alright. We've got plenty of time."

  She laughed and I could feel her smiling against my skin. "Always thinking with one part of your body, huh?"

  I just shrugged. Couldn't really argue with that. Now that I had her back, now that nothing was standing in our way, some part of me always had to be touching her. It wasn't easy to hold back, especially since when we weren't in her bed, we didn't have any other real alone time—the kind that we'd missed out on for so long. On the other hand, we couldn't exactly rip each other's clothes off in her dad's house either.

  It wasn't perfect, but that was okay. We still had some issues to work through, some hills we'd have to climb, and that was okay, too. Just as long as she was still here.

  My lips had just found the side of her neck when her phone alarm blared from the nightstand. She reached for it, but I pulled her wrist behind her back, ignoring her playful yelp as I swiped her phone and hit snooze.