He continues to rub the area lightly, but still making it a little raw. "I should have warned you before," he whispers, "I should have left you alone. Let you live. Not get mixed up with someone like me." His hand moves to my face, and then my hair. "I can't have you anymore," he says while brushing my hair back. I feel him getting closer, and the pressure on the bed moves again. I feel his breath on my forehead. He wiggles his body to me and presses his lips to my forehead. "Please understand."
He does have something inside of him that actually cares. He's not a completely heartless person. He needs help, and I don't know if I have the strength and endurance to help him. I wouldn't even know where to start. I don't know why I'm drawn to things that are broken, but I am. I have a feeling it will be the death of me.
I think about thirty minutes pass before I decide to open my eyes. His face is meeting mine. His eyes are rapidly shooting left to right under his lids. He is laying on his extended left arm. His other is on my arm. I inch my head up. There's a figure standing at the doorway.
I slightly lift my head and see Janie's stunned face. My eyes adjust, and I see her open mouth. She throws her hands out in front of her. The 'o' she's wearing around her mouth slightly bends upward as she mouths 'WHAT THE FUCK?' I think she's trying to stifle her laugh. Her eyes are wide open as she steps into the room. She tip-toes to the bed and looks over to me.
She whispers, "Oh my God!"
I shrug my shoulders, and make a face because I don't want to wake him up. She signals me to get up. I point at him. "He's a rough sleeper," She whispers.
"I'm naked!" I admit quietly.
"Holy shit!" She starts laughing. She starts looking around, and grabs one of his large shirts, and throw it at me. I gently pull his arm off of mine. He doesn't even budge as I throw my naked body over of him. I pull the shirt over my head. It smells just like him. It's a hunter green plain shirt. The bottom comes to my upper thigh. Janie puts her hand on my back as we walk. "Please explain," She says.
It's still dark out when we're out on the patio by the pool. The uneven concrete patio still holds puddles from the late night rain. Dawn is peaking through the horizon, as we both suck on the butts of our cigarettes. I tell her everything from the shower room on. I don't spare any detail. "You're not mad?" I ask after I leave her speechless with my story.
"Of course not! I have got to tell you, I know Ward better than pretty much anyone. We're like brother and sister. He's never kept a girl in his bed, and he's never said anything remotely close to what you're telling me he said to you."
"Well, please don't tell him I told you," I plead.
"Your secret is safe with me. I hope he tells me. I'll tell you what he says if he does, okay?" She said.
"I don't think that's fair. You'll let me know if he tells you, but you won't tell him if I told you?" I ask.
"Do you not want to know what he says?" She asks.
"Yes," I admit. "This is dirty."
"I know what stuff he's tied up with, and believe me, if he tells you to avoid him, I'd listen. I can't tell you exactly what it is." She says. Her hair falls off of the side of her head.
"Frankly, I don't want to know. I don't know what to do," I say.
"Just go with the flow. If something happens, then it does. You can't control everything."
Janie helps me sign up for the virtual schooling in the media room. It isn't much of a media room. It's about the same size of our bedroom. It's located right behind the kitchen beside Ms. Gar's office. There are four desks on each wall with a computer, supplies, and swivel computer chairs at each. I have all of the papers Ms. Gar left me all sprawled out in front of me. I am about to start my first class. Algebra II. Let's get this over with.
Fuck. I can't concentrate. I keep thinking about him. I keep letting my mind wonder all over the place. Janie is finished with her four classes for the day and leaves the room. I'm still on my first.
Two hours later I am done with half, and decide to get something to eat. I walk into the kitchen, seeing Ward and Janie sitting at the island counter. What do I do? What do I say? Ward has a T.V. dinner sitting in front of him. Janie has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of her with a glass of the whitest milk I've seen in a while.
I can tell I've interrupted a conversation because they both stop what they're doing. Oh God. What did he tell her? Did she tell him I told her? I immediately regret the decision to share. I open the white fridge and pull out a jug of milk. I reach in the cabinet for a box of cereal and a bowl.
I sit next to Janie, across from Ward. Janie is staring at her phone. She turns to get up and winks at me with a smirk. He told her. He told her what I told her. I hope. I don't want to seem like a liar.
As soon as she puts her cup in the sink and walks out, she turns, looks at me behind Ward's back, and points to her phone with a wide smile before ducking behind the wall. I don't want to seem too obvious, so I sit there across from him. He's not making eye contact. I eat my cereal in silence.
"I'm going to need my shirt back," He says without looking at me. Is he joking?
"Oh, okay. Let me go get it," I say while getting up. He puts his hand on my forearm, stopping me.
"I'm kidding," He laughs.
I sigh. "Oh, okay." I sit back down and finish my cereal.
"I've decided that I kind of liked what happened last night. But I meant what I said," He says looking in my eyes. I must have a confused look on my face to match my emotions because he says, "Meaning, I honestly don't want to hurt you. But I know I will," He lowers his voice, "and I also don't want this to stop."
"Okay," I say still thoroughly confused, I start shaking my head and admit, "I don't understand, really. Do you want me to stay away from you, or not? I know I don't want to get hurt. Physically or emotionally. Tell me what you want, because I really don't know," I say hesitantly honest.
"I really don't know, either." He says.
"Wing it?" I ask.
He smiles at me. Gets up. And walks away.
Now I really want to read those text messages. I go find Janie in the Media room. She's looking through them. I close the wooden door behind me and rush over to her computer chair. Before I reach her, she hands me her phone.
Ward: i have something to tell you
Janie: youre pregnant, you whore!
Ward: seriously.
Janie: What? Where are you. we can talk about it
Ward: It will be better if i just tell you ... virtually.
Janie: it must be bad
Ward: No not really. yes. i dont know.
Janie: well then?
Ward: i kind of made passionate love to your new best friend after almost beating her into a coma after i had been using all day yesterday
Janie: Hayden? holy shit. what?
Ward: dont tell her i told you. she didnt tell you so she probably doesnt want you to kno.
Ward: I think i like her.
Janie: you have never liked anyone. ever. i dont think you even like yourself.
Ward: something about her makes everything different. it hasnt even been a few days and she got me in bed.
Janie: but seriously? after you beat her?
Ward: I think im going to stop.
Janie: beating her? i think you should better stop
Ward: you know what i mean
"I had to delete some, because it has to do with some secret stuff that you can't really know about, or you'll freak, and probably run away screaming," She says. A few silent minutes pass.
"Want to get drunk tonight?" I ask. Off topic.
"I think that's a yes," She says getting up, "A fuck yes." I giggle as I sit back down to my studies.
"Tonight we shall get drunk," I say. I need something to take me away from everything.
"Ms. Gar left me all of the keys," she says standing at the closed door.
"And?"
"And- the keys to her special collection in the attic," She says deviously.
"Will she notice?"
"She hasn't been up there in ages," She says, "Like, a long ass time."
I finish my classes, all eight of them, by three. I decide to change out of the clothes I've been wearing all day and take a shower. I want to look cute. I choose a white tube dress with a brown belt fastened right under my bust. I want my hair up to show off my shoulders. I pin my ringlets to the left side. I let the rest flow down the side. This could work.
Janie grabbed a pair of my dark denim jeans and some of my boots. She's wearing her blue and white plaid shirt tucked in. With her hair straightened, she looks like a true southern girl.
We sneak into the attic and unlock a dusty old cabinet with glass doors. The attic is considered the space between Ward's makeshift 'man cave' and Mr. Bo's apartment. One small window gives light to the entire place. It's horribly hot in here. She grabs a few bottles, and we giggle down the stairs like fools.
Jessica and Hannah are sitting in the lounge area. Their heads shoot up when they hear our obnoxious laughing. Jessica gets up. She's wearing a plain purple shirt, and some really short white shorts. "Are we invited?" Jessica asks with a smile.
"But, of course, my dear," Janie says with a pathetic British accent.
"Yay!" Jessica exclaims as she takes one of the bottles from Janie.
Hannah gets up from her chair. She's wearing the same yellow dress as Janie was wearing yesterday, "I have to go to work, so I can't." She forces a fake sad face.
"You know you weren't going to do it anyways," Janie says maliciously.
"Whatever," Hannah says as she walked out the door with her ugly orange old lady purse behind her.
"Good riddance," Jessica says as she turns to us. "I love the girl. But sometimes she's excruciatingly boring."
We start drinking at the island table. After about thirty minutes, a hand is at my back. I jump and let out a funny scream that sends everyone into a fit of laughter. Ward helps himself. He takes one of the half empty bottles and drinks it straight. My halfway open eyes find his. Everyone else at the table doesn't exist to me right now. I can't feel anything. I love it.
Ward puts his hand on my waist and stands closer to me. In the chair, I am about shoulder height to him. I turn around to him, almost toppling out of my chair. He catches me while laughing. I hadn't noticed that there was someone else in the room that everyone else seemed to know. I don't know who got it, or where it came from, but there's music playing loudly. My mind is a cloudy mess. I put my fingers to my lips and slur to Ward, "They're numb. Can you feel that?"
He looks at me and laughs. I feel so freaking good.
I don't know where Ward went. I don't remember him leaving my side.
"Janie, I love you," Jessica says and leans over the table with her arm extended. She gets up on the table and starts inching toward me and Janie.
Janie smiles and dances in her seat with her eyes half closed. I look at Janie, and Janie looks at me. We start laughing hysterically.
I feel a pressure on my arm. I don't know whose face I'm looking in. It's very blurry. He leads me into the formal dining area.
"Who are you?" I say, barely putting those words together. I'm looking up at a blurry face. He pushes me up on the table, knocking the chairs over. His faceless hands are on my back. I have cold shivers running down my spine as my vision tunnels in and out. "Hey, stop that," I say as he tries to kiss my neck.
"Hush," he says with an unfamiliar voice. Does anyone know I'm missing? Is anyone looking for me? It takes me a few seconds to find it, but I push his face away from me. He has me in a forced straddle. I notice his hands in places they shouldn't be.
Enough is enough. "Stop, please," I get a little aggravated.
"Shhh," he hisses.
"Stop. Stop! STOP!" he tries to push my dress down over my breasts. I can't move. I can't run. I want to. I think I'm fighting him. My arms are so heavy. Where is everyone? I decide to scream at the top of my lungs, and he slaps my face.
Suddenly, he's off of me. He's lying on the floor. I smell Ward. I don't see him, but I smell him. He's a blurry figure of a hero. I feel hands on my face, and forget that I'm no longer being forced by a strange person. I start to panic.
"It's me, it's me. Are you okay?" He asks.
"Hi, Ward. Is the party over? Did I ruin it?" I ask after I calm down.
"No, no, no. You're just fine Hayden. Did he hurt you?" He asks.
"I d-don't think so. He tried to pull my dress down. I tried screaming and he slapped me," I don't know why but I start laughing. The man on the ground starts getting up. Ward pushes him outside, and through the patio door. Locking it. He picks me up, I think. Because I don't remember walking to the kitchen.
I'm suddenly on wobbly legs. "Where's Will?" Jessica slurs.
"He's gone. He tried touching me. And I said no. And he got mean. And then Ward locked him outside," I say. Everyone starts laughing at me, including Ward.
"You're so drunk," Ward says.
"Aren't you?" I ask looking up at him.
"Not as much as you. I want on that level," He says pointing at me and takes another swig. I stand in front of him with my top half leaning on him. He's leaning against the stove. I like the black shirt he's wearing. It has a skull on it. And the gray pants are really tight on him.
He takes my face in his hands and kisses my lips. I can't really feel it. But I feel the pressure. I like it. I can't taste anything but alcohol.
"Wasn't anyone worried about me?" I asked when he finished.
"Of course," Ward says.
"Well, let's just forget that happened. I didn't like it. He was mean," I slur.
"I'm mean sometimes too, you know," he says.
"Not like that. He wasn't even drinking or anything," I say. Ward tries to hide a laugh. I turn around and notice Jessica and Janie are making out. That's weird. I feel my legs being taken from underneath me. He's holding me again.
He says, "C'mon," but I don't know if he meant it for me or everyone. Everyone followed us to Ward's room. I don't remember what happened next. I just remember being a zombie through the whole thing.
SEVEN.5
-(WARD’S POV)-
She's so drunk. I don't know if this is right or not. I don't care. I've never kissed a girl like this before. I've always just got it in and got her out. Not her. Something about this girl is different. I want to find out without getting too close for the sharks to bite.
I know that I will probably hurt her, as I already have. I am only ordered to get close to her. Am I selfish for trying this? What if they find out I’ve been sleeping with her, instead of getting information from her? Everyone piles into the room, but I don't care. Hayden is all over me. Her drunken kisses are close to invigorating. Her scent is intoxicating, more than the booze. She starts to pull out her hair clip, throws, it giving a little giggle. I notice Janie on the couch with her phone out, but I don't think anything of it. I kiss her neck as she straddles my body. Her boots get caught in the bed sheets and she can't move. I pull them off of her. My back is against the wall.
She lifts her dress over her head. Her body is so perfect. Her waist is tiny, which flairs out. Her black strapless bra can barely contain her chest. Her pink lacy underwear almost makes me loose it. Her tanned skin rolls over my body. She kisses my neck as I grab all her body. She takes off my shirt with one swift motion. She's in command. I do not like it when girls take the thunder from me. This is different, and I like it. I like the way she did it last night, too. She kisses my neck. Then my chest. Then my bent stomach. Her tiny fingers somehow find the button to my jeans and undoes them. She takes my boxers off with my jeans. I'm completely naked in front of everyone, and I don’t care.
I unhook her bra, with some experience. A perfect chest falls into place in front of me.
It's faster and raunchier than last time, which is probably the alcohol.
Seeing her sleeping in front of me comforts me. I almost feel protective of her. It’s like I’m supposed to almost be there in this m
oment for her, as she is for me. I don’t know how I am supposed to do what I’m ordered to now. I am almost asleep when Janie wakes me and tries to get Hayden, who is on the other side of me, to their room. I pull a shirt from the ground and slip it over her head carefully. She groans a little when I lift her up to continue slipping the shirt on her. She is unable to wake or move, so I pick her across the hall and to her bed. Janie motions me to put Hayden in her bed, and I do. I want to make sure she’s okay because she had way too much to drink. I’m barely okay, and I had less than her. I plop down on Hayden’s bed and doze off after Janie and Jessica settle into the bed with Hayden.
Some time later, she’s in the bed with me. What she says when she wakes up truly breaks my heart a little.
EIGHT
I think the hammering in my skull is what wakes me up at six in the morning. I'm not in Ward's bed, and I'm not in my bed. I'm between a wall and a sleeping Janie beside me, and Jessica is curled up at the foot of the bed.
I feel it coming up. I don't care if I wake everyone up, I bolt to the bathroom. I make it to the toilet and I empty the contents of my stomach in the infamous porcelain goddess. Janie turns the light on. She's wearing the button up plaid shirt from today, and nothing underneath except underwear. I squint up at her from the floor. "You okay?" She asks me as another wave of sickness forces me to hover over the toilet.
"Yeah," I barely spit out as more comes out. She bends down, and takes my hair, and pulls it into a ponytail. She wraps what feels like a rubber band around it.
"Be right back," She says as she leaves me over the toilet. I sit on my knees and hold my head with my arm on the rim of the seat. My head feels light. I feel like crying. I don't know why.
Janie comes back after about ten minutes. I'm almost half asleep when she walks in. She puts a wet towel on my neck and hands me a bottle of water. I look down and realize I'm in another one of Ward's shirts. It's the black one he was wearing earlier. Janie sits between the sink and the wall.
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 6
