"I have a few regrets," She says. I'm not sure what she means. "I'm not a lesbian. I like boys. I like boys a whole lot, actually. Alcohol does things to all of us, I guess." I don't know how she doesn't feel what I'm feeling. I don't know why she isn't over a toilet. Maybe she can handle her own.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I confess with a high pitched voice, crying. "I don't know how I'm going to face him again. I don't remember what happened, so I don't know how to deal with this. What do I do, Janie?"
"You were a little bit crazy, but that's okay. People act differently with alcohol." She says, trying to console me.
"I don't know," I say with hiccupping cries, "He tells me to leave him alone, and then he comes on to me, and then it just doesn't stop," I bellow like a babbling fool. I feel like we're having two different conversations.
"It's okay, just let it out," She says rubbing my arm as I let loose the remaining insides I have left. I want to be in his arms right now, I want to smell his body. I want to stay wrapped in him forever. I know he doesn't want me to, but why? Why can't he have me? I rinse my disgusting mouth out with minty mouthwash, after brushing my teeth.
Janie helps me to my bed. I put pressure on my comforter, and feel something hard. Janie does the same, and Ward's head comes out from the top of the blanket. That's probably why I was in Janie's bed. He stirs. He sits up, alarmed and looks around. I'm wide-eyed. He rubs his face with both hands. He scoots over and helps Janie help me into the same bed with him, close to the wall. She has one arm, he has the other. My bed is slightly smaller than his, but I don't care. My body still feels loose and wobbly. I step in the middle with newborn calf legs and scoot down beside him.
"You okay?" He asks. I shake my head no, and start crying. Why do I cry so much? He hugs me close to his chest.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"For what?"
"I know you told me to leave you alone, but I messed up. I'm so sorry," I confess. I don't really know what's coming from my mouth.
"Just rest. We'll work it out later. Right now, I got you." He kisses my forehead. I feel safe. I want him to stop. I want him to continue. I don't know what I want anymore. This is so messed up.
My brain is swirling in my skull as his slowed breathing lulls me into a deep sleep.
I dream of my mother. I dream of her short bouncy hair flying around her head. We're in the back of my father's old truck going down a bumpy road with dust flying around us. Her thin blue dress flies along with the wind. I look into the window of the truck and see my father. He has the radio blaring with old country music. I can barely hear my mother as she tries to talk to me over the wind. The horizon is black, but the sun is beating down on us. Her smile is wide, and her perfect teeth are white and sparkling. We stop, hop out and carry fishing poles to a pond. Waiting at the shore is Ward. He has already started fishing. He smiles up at me. I smile and wave back at him.
Something changes, and he's running at me; cursing. Yelling at me. His eyes turn red. His teeth become black in his mouth. I'm running. I frantically yell for my mother into a wooded area. I feel a hand grabbing my shoulder.
I jerk myself awake, almost forgetting I was dreaming. His eyes are bright blue as he looks at me. His eyebrows furrow at me. He cranks his neck back a little. I hadn't realized I was just crying, "Don't hurt me," a few times. I feel stupid and embarrassed.
"What the hell?" He says, finding his voice.
"Sorry, I was dreaming," I say sleepily.
"Of me hurting you?" He asks. How did he know?
"Yeah," I admit in a whisper. Why did I just tell him that? Why didn't I just lie and say something else, like anything else? He scoots back towards the wall and moves his arm from under my head, which flops down to the bed. I think I've made him mad. I think I made him feel something he doesn't want to feel. With just one word. He scoots to the end of the bed and gets up. He's wearing nothing but blue boxer shorts. I sit up with my back against the wall, watching him turn the corner to the hallway. I don't stop him. Mostly because I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to come back from that.
Maybe it was my soul's way of telling me that I'm afraid of him, and he knew that. He knew that somewhere deep inside, I'm afraid. And I am. I'm scared shitless. I sit with my arms cross as Hannah's figure appeared in the doorway. Her head is turned, watching Ward walk away. No doubt she saw him coming from here. She looks at me. She sees my shirt. Her eyes bare the emotion of hurt. She bites at her cheek for just a second and looks at me before saying, "I cleaned up the mess downstairs." Her words are emotionless.
Janie's pink comforter flips back. Her hair is high on her head. Her makeup runs down her face, as she sits up. The clock beside me says 10:45. Janie nudges Jessica, who still curled at the end of the bed. She groans as she sits up with the bottom half of the comforter around her neck. She's wearing the purple shirt from last night, and just some underwear.
"What the hell happened?" Jessica asked.
"We got too drunk," Janie says.
"Let's not do that again for a long time," I say.
Jessica looks away with her head still pointing at me, "You had sex with Ward last night!" She remembers.
My eyes get wide. I didn't know she knew. I looked at Janie, then back at Jessica. I'm trying to piece together the events that took place. Hannah is still standing in the doorway. Shit. Her jaw drops. "I think you had sex with Janie," I say to Jessica. The words shoot out of my mouth faster than my brain can shut it up. Janie looks at me and starts laughing.
"We all got a little something last night," she says with a raspy voice. We all start laughing. Except for Hannah, who storms off to the right to her room.
"I'm embarrassed," Jessica admits, rubbing her face.
"Me too," I say.
"Me three," Janie chimes in. We sit there. Jessica gets up and uses our bathroom.
Janie reaches for her phone and looks at it, exhales loudly, then grabs for her charger behind the bed. I sit there and stare at the doorway. I want him to reappear. For anything. He needs his shirt back; something.
I hear her phone turn on. I can see her looking at it through the corner of my eye.
"Oh, my God!" She says, truly stunned.
"What? Jessica says coming from the bathroom.
"Apparently," She says with a little giggle, "I recorded some of it."
We both jump beside her at the same time. She turns her small screen sideways, and we watched. I didn't know they were in the room. I hardly knew I was in the room. From the angle of the video, they're on the couch.
The video shakes and crackles. I'm all over Ward. My jaw drops when I see myself go down on him. I've never done that before. It drops even further when I see him doing it to me. I've never had that done to me before. I apparently liked it. The next part is Jessica's red hair in between Janie's thighs.
"Oh my GOD!" Jessica says as she throws her hand to her mouth, with a smack. The video ends.
"Is that the only one?" I ask. Please say yes.
She swipes left and right on her phone, "Yes." I let out a sigh of relief, and so do they.
"Are you going to delete it?" I ask. Please say yes.
"No," She says. Shit.
"Why not?" I ask.
"Free porn, bitch!" She says. We all start laughing. I laugh so hard, I'm close to crying.
Jessica stares at the wall for a little bit. She looks at the clock on my nightstand. "Shit, I've missed school," She rolls her head around, "It's almost 11, I have to go to softball practice tonight, though," She says.
"I have to work tonight," Janie complains.
"I am alone tonight, again?" I asked. Slightly alarmed.
"You'll have Ward," Jessica teases. She doesn't know what Janie and I know.
"True," I say.
"Why don't you come with me, and I'll see if I can get you a job at where Hannah and I work? It's a little diner. It's super easy," Janie says.
I really don't want to work with Hannah for some reason.
I don't know why I feel so guilty. "Okay," I say. I need a job. I need money.
"And besides, they're about to let Hannah go anyways. She kind of sucks. She doesn't get good tips, and she never cleans up after her customers. It makes me sick," Janie says.
"You really don't like Hannah, do you?" I ask,
"Not really. She isn't a good person. She's mean and spiteful. She just brings everyone down," Janie says.
"You're just mad she ratted you out last year when you lied about school," Jessica says with a smile.
"Kind of. But it's because I liked the same guy she liked. And I got with him. She knew he liked me more, and she just," Janie paused, "couldn't take it. She did the only thing she knows how to do, and that's use revenge. I haven't gotten close to her since then." Great. I know that Hannah likes Ward. What will she do to me? I decide I have to try and become friends with her.
"I'm sick of her," Jessica says, "I don't think I can live with her much longer. She's driving me crazy. She's such a neat freak too, if I leave my toothbrush turned the wrong way, she'll yell at me. Like, fuck you."
"Move out," Janie says, "We have like seventeen empty rooms." Janie leans back on the wall.
"I can't do that to her," Jessica says.
"Why not?" Janie asks.
"Because, it would just be wrong. She's my friend. You guys are too," Jessica says, "But we share something that no one else can understand."
I have no idea what she's talking about, but Janie looks like she does. I need to get to know these girls better. I need to find a way to understand them better.
"But anyways," Janie looks at me, "Like I was saying before we got sidetracked, you should walk down to the restaurant with me tonight. Mrs. Jacobs is such a sweet lady. She might even let you start tonight."
"I really need money. I'm down to one cigarette," I say.
"If you don't get the job at the diner, you can try the rink where I work. Can you roller skate?"
"Yeah, a little," I admit.
"Good," Janie says, "You have to use roller skates on Friday nights at the diner, too."
"Do they skate everywhere here?" I ask. Everyone starts laughing.
"It's an old ass town. These people grew up in the fifties and they're stuck in that decade apparently," Jessica says, still laughing.
"Okay," great.
At four thirty, I walk to the diner with Janie. I haven't been off of the property since I got here. The circle pebble driveway leads to a gray concrete street. To the left, the road turns into a clay one. To the right, the concrete turns into a blacktop and stretches for miles into the hills and trees. The orangeish-yellow caution light winks at me every two seconds. It makes its presence known at night through the bedroom window at night too, little fucker.
Straight ahead there are a few old buildings. On the left: An old gas station with pumps I hardly recognize, a grocery store that has it's dirty glass door propped open, with a fan at the mouth of it, a green building that houses a few washing machines and dryers. The sign is barely readable anymore. On the right is a tall brick building that matches the color of the house, which says "POST" on a white hand-painted billboard. A tall building that says saloon on it. These two buildings are almost connected, they're so close. Beside that stands a concrete structure with bricks around the perimeter suggested an old fire. There's a concrete slab beside that with six cars on it, with yellow numbers. I'm glad people don't have to wear their age on them like cars do. I guess that's what is similar between cars and people. The older you are, the harder it is for you to be adopted.
At the end of the straight road, where another dirt road intersects, a few more buildings stand, and a grassy area with big rigs parked. The one in the middle at the intersection, adjacent to the house, stands an old two story brick building with 'CAFE' painted on the top of the door. Did all of the original builders use the same brick company? So original.
Janie introduces me to Mrs. Jacobs. She is the nicest person I've ever met in my life. Her dark skin sparkles as she smiles at me. The sweat on her brow suggests she's had a long hard day. Janie, Hannah, someone named Chris, and Mrs. Jacobs are the only ones that work here, she tells me. Their customers are mostly tourists traveling to Orlando, on their way to the theme parks; and some truck drivers from the main highway that aren't afraid to take on a quarter-mile dirt road. The inside smells like a mixture of diesel, lemon, and grease. A bell dings when we walked in. There are old tile bumpy floors; which are a black and white checker pattern. There's an old long bar in the middle of the floor; behind it, a kitchen. The seven tables are aligned in front of the store, with orange seats. They're all bolted to the floor as if someone was going to steal them.
She tells me I can have the job, but she can't afford to pay me. I agree to work off of tips for a while until she can get more business. I desperately need some cash. She tells me they're supposed to be paving the dirt road at the end of the summer, which makes truckers more comfortable driving up here. Mrs. Jacobs takes my measurements. She makes the uniforms herself. She'll have mine ready by the end of next week. Since I'm doing school virtually, I have more shifts than Hannah. And since I'm not on the clock, I can come in anytime I want to, to help. If I finish my studies early, I can come here and earn as much as I can.
The first night of learning was easy. Coffee is easy to make. These truck drivers are really nice. It's nice to interact with different people. Back home, I worked at a department store with mostly snobs. They didn't care what people had to say, I do. I make seventy-two dollars in four hours. Mrs. Jacobs leaves at about seven. Janie has me clean the bar area, and close the candy jars as she cleans the bathrooms. The small bulb embedded in the wall out front is the only source of light on this street. It's creepy. I don't know how Janie can be here at night by herself, and walk home.
The door dings, and I look up. His big blue eyes find mine. I wasn't expecting him. Janie comes rushing out of the bathroom with thick yellow gloves on. "Oh, it's just you," She says when she sees Ward.
"That's no way to talk to a customer," Ward says sarcastically.
"I just closed the kitchen, Chris is gone," Janie says, a little annoyed.
"I was just kidding," Ward says, "You know, I've been here ten years. I've never come into this place." He leans his elbows on the counter and cups his face in his hands. He's right in front of me. I don't know what to say. I'm confused about what happened last night.
"What do you want, Ward? I have to lock up," Janie says.
He shrugs his shoulders, and lowers the edges of his lips, "I just needed to tell you that we're out of food, and we have to go to town tomorrow," He says. He sounds like he's just saying words that come to his head. He really doesn't have an explanation for his presence.
"Okay?" Janie looks confused, "I have to get back to work." She turns around and goes back to cleaning.
"And plus," Ward says, "I wanted to walk yall home," he says guiltily.
Janie starts laughing hysterically in the other room.
We walk home. Janie walks ahead of us, leaving me awkwardly beside Ward. I don't know what to say. I haven't said much. I'm too confused.
"So, you got the job, I assume?" He asks.
"Yeah," I say. The sand under my shoes crunches as I walk.
"Did you learn how to do new stuff?" He asks awkwardly.
"Yeah?" I say, jovially. Crunch crunch crunch. He puts his hands in the pockets of his tight gray jeans.
"Are you tired?" He asks.
"Kind of," I laugh, "Why are you acting so..." I stop and think of a word to use, "weird?"
"Weird?" He asks, I nod. He stops and forces himself in front of me. "Are you happy?" Oh no. Please don't freak out on me. I'm half tempted to scream for Janie.
"Yeah?" I stretch out the word with my eyes looking through my eyebrows. "I really don't know." He takes my arms with both hands and pulls me close to him. I don't know what to do. His hands move to my face, making my cheeks pushed together, puckering my lips.
> He laughs. Probably at my face that he's making me have. I don't know if I should smile back. He moves his hands to the back of my head and kisses my lips. "I'll leave you alone, then."
He walks away, leaving me in the street. I've never been so confused in my life. Kiss me, then tell me he'll leave me alone? Is he challenging me? Is he testing me? I thought women were supposed to be the complicated ones.
NINE
We stopped at the gas station before we went back to the house. These people must be hurting for business because they don't card our young faces when we buy cigarettes. They don't have the ones I usually get, so I just get what Janie buys.
Mr. Bo is fixing a lock on the shower room door when we reach the third-floor landing. He's short. He's about five foot four, with shoulder length brown thinning hair. He looks in his mid to late forties. His pop bottle glasses slide up and down his nose as he looks up and down from his working area. His light faded, ripped, paint-stained jeans are bolted high on his stomach, fastened by a belt with a large buckle. Janie and I chit chat as we pass him.
When we get to our doorway, we notice clothes being thrown out into the hallway through Jessica and Hannah's room. We peak over the doorframe and see Hannah crying on the floor in front of her bed. Jessica is on her bed, with her laptop on her stomach.
"What's going on?" Janie asks.
Between hiccups, Hannah says, "I'm moving downstairs," She wipes her cheeks under her eyes, "I heard everything you guys said. I heard everything Jessica said too, but she doesn't care how bad she made me feel."
"Did you also miss the part when I said that I couldn't do that to you?" She says, staring intently at the back of Hannah's head, "And that we share a special bond with- Jesus Christ." She rolls her eyes and continues with her computer. Hannah is obviously hardheaded. Only wanting to hear what she wants to hear.
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 7
