Hot & Cold: Toxic Love

by Jessica E. Kirby

  "I don't want to be here anymore," She looks at me, "Do you know how hard it is for people like me in a place like this?"

  I look at her confused, "What?"

  "I try so hard to fit in with people. I finally make friends somewhat, and you come in and ruin everything, just everything!" She screams while pointing at me.

  "Are you fucking delusional?" Janie says, coming to my rescue. "You make everything ten times difficult than it needs to be. No one is trying to make things hard for you, you're doing it to yourself!"

  The pure honesty hurts Hannah. She gets up, and bolts between us; running into the hallway, and down the stairs. Janie and I notice Jessica with tears rolling down her cheeks.

  We're all sitting in our room, all sitting on my bed. Janie is at the head of my bed with her head pushed against the wall, making her bun flop on her forehead. She's scrolling through her phone. Jessica is sitting beside her, laying on her stomach. I'm in the small gap between them, with my head lifted up by Janie's thigh, with Janie's laptop balancing on her knee. I don't quite know why we've all decided to lean on her. I'm scrolling through my personal networking site. I decide to befriend them on this site. Janie's profile picture is her pretty face smiling. Jessica's profile picture is us with our hair the same way. I see Hannah commented on it: I thought you had us as your profile pic? Two hours ago. I decide to not add Hannah as a friend. Not after the way she talked to me.

  I can sense her jealousy through the screen. I close it with a slap. "Y’all wanna have a slumber party?" I ask.

  "Never had one," Janie says, bored with the idea. She didn't look up from her phone.

  "That actually sounds fun," Jessica says.

  Janie sighs, "Teach us how?"

  "Really?" I ask, "You really don't know?"

  "No, we're orphans, remember?" Janie says with a halfhearted laugh.

  "Someone get some music playing. It has to be girly, and fun," I say.

  We grab whatever snacks are left in the kitchen, and laugh loudly all the way up the stairs. We are hoping Hannah notices. We all telepathically think the same thing.

  We strip into our pajamas. Janie is wearing underwear that looks like shorts, and a black and red striped spaghetti strap tank top. Jessica sports a white tank top and blue sleeping shorts. I have on a green spaghetti strap top, and I'm in black boy shorts. The music starts playing. Katy Perry bursts through the speakers.

  I get up off of the floor and grab a hand brush. I start lip syncing an old but perfect song. This song describes everything right now perfectly. Janie is the next one up. She takes my hairbrush, and lips the next line, giving 'bitch' a funny face. Jessica makes a funny face and starts doing the running man. We laugh so hard at her, I almost pee myself.

  I turn on my voice and pour my vocal cords into the thick hairbrush. 'You're no good for me' we all yell the chorus. We dance to the funky music. I almost scream, 'Got a case of a love bi-polar' the other girls chime in, with the brush in between us, 'can't get off this ride'

  I scream when I turn around to Ward's face. My foot gets caught on the fuzzy green carpet between our beds, and I feel myself falling in slow motion. My head hits Janie's nightstand, knocking almost everything off.

  My hand shoots up to the area. It's still sensitive from a few days ago, which makes it sting more. Jessica and Janie are laughing so hard when they try to lift me up, they drop me. I'm back on the floor. My stomach hurts so bad I'm laughing so hard.

  Ward is leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed. His lips are gripped in between his teeth, and his shoulders are bouncing. His head is looking down to the right, and his eyes are closed. He's fucking laughing at me.

  "Glad I could be your entertainment," I joke when I finally get on my feet. Jessica turns the music down. I stand in front of Ward, mimicking his body language. Jessica and Janie sit back on the floor, still laughing.

  "What are y’all doing?" He asks.

  "We, my friend, are having a slumber party," I say as a matter of fact.

  "How old are you?" He says sarcastically.

  "Old enough," I say, "We're having fun."

  "You guys need help," He says.

  "If there was a door," I say slowly, pronouncing every vowel sharply, "I'd slam it in your face."

  He takes the imaginary door and closes it. I close my eyes and laugh. I shake my head. When I open my eyes, he is closer. "Am I invited?"

  "Nope," I say with a smile, puckering my lips at him. I block him from getting in the room, uncrossing my arms.

  "Girls only?"

  "Yep," I say with a high-pitched voice.

  He sighs, looks me up and down, and grabs my chest. I don't stop him, I like it.

  "Is this your idea of leaving me alone?" I say with a flirty tone.

  "It's kind of hard to do when you parade these damn things all over the place," He points at my braless boobs, which makes me laugh.

  "I like to be comfortable, excuse me," I say.

  "You're excused," he says, still holding onto me. His smile is contagious. I smile wide, hoping my teeth aren't stained from the orange cheese balls.

  "Wanna go smoke?" He asks, finally letting go.

  "Sure," I say.

  "We're going to smoke, wanna come?" I ask the girls.

  "We're writing something, y’all go. But, hurry back because you've gotta hear what just happened," Janie says. I'm curious, but I follow Ward out instead of staying.

  On the back of his head, on his hairline is a tattoo that I've never noticed before. It's a small bat.

  We reach the kitchen, but he stops me.

  "Just one more time before-" I kiss him before he could finish his sentence. I don't quite know what I'm doing anymore. Someone shoot me. Give me a manual on how this is supposed to work.

  He pulls me into the sitting area beside the foyer. Under the darkened windows, there's an old long couch that matches the other chairs. I kiss him all the way to it until he falls onto it. I tug my tank top off, chest falling out, and climb onto him, straddling him, kissing him, with my hands on his jawline. He takes my hair that's up in a bun, and loosens the curls with his finger. They fall all over me, and he pushes them behind me, off of my shoulders. Then he kisses by bare shoulders. I love it when he nestles his face in my neck. It makes me so weak, but in a good way. His hands comb over my body. My body moves in a steady motion. I want him so bad right now.

  Someone clears their throat. I jump off of him and turn around to see a blonde chubby girl sitting in the lounge chairs in the middle of the room. She has a computer on her lap. Are you fucking kidding me? She could have politely, and quietly, removed herself from the room. I decide to tell her as much. The Janie is coming out in me.

  I stand up, in just my underwear. I walk over to where she is, right in front of her, with my hands on my hips. She has a stunned look on her face, it's priceless. She shyly looks away as I start, "You know, instead of being rude and 'clearing your throat' and making your presence known, you could've just politely left the room. You're fucking up my flow, here. Girl to girl, you understand, right?"

  "I-I-I- uh- okay," She gets up with a computer. She leaves. When I turn around, Ward's jaw is nearly touching his chest.

  "Shut up," I say as I kiss his mouth shut.

  "You're such a dick. I like it," He says as he grabs my hips.

  We really go at it after he slips a condom on. He must have known this was going to happen, to even know to bring one.

  I don’t want this to end. I think he senses this, lifts me up, and pushes me against the wall beside the fireplace. The painted concrete walls are cold on my back. He holds the back of my knees in place, pinning me so hard I can’t move. It starts to hurt.

  "Hey, hey," I say through thrusts, "Slow down." He doesn't listen, and I'm getting raw. "W-Ward. Ward! Slow down," He's relentless. He has me strongly pinned against the wall, I can't move. "Please," I say, close to crying it hurts so badly. "WARD!" I scream. Still steady, "YOU'RE FUCKING HURTING ME!" I finally scr
eam. Tears start pouring from my eyes. It feels like he's ripping me open. "Oh my God, please stop," I say slapping his shoulders, crying. He stops. Wide-eyed. He'd just snapped out of something I can't explain. My feet find the ground, and I sink to it, crouched with my hands to my sides. It pinches as I sit on it. He slowly backs away as I sob. I look down and see blood pooling under me. I take my fingers and feel the area. He has ripped me.

  I look at him in the eyes, close to passing out. "FUCK!" He screams as he grabs his boxer shorts and hastily puts them on, and runs out and slams the front door. He leaves me sobbing on the floor against the wall. I hear the clip-clop of some feet coming down the stairs a few minutes later.

  "Oh my God! What happened?" Jessica rushes towards me when she sees me. I'm naked, crying, with blood coming out of me.

  "He got really rough," I say sobbing, "It's like it wasn't even him." Jessica grabs my shirt from the floor and helps me into it. She takes my arm, and Janie takes the other. It hurts to hold my legs together. Janie gets towels. She puts one under me as we walk, and one on the floor to clean it up. Hannah comes from around the corner as we reach the stairs.

  "I know you had to have heard her scream, we heard it from upstairs!" Jessica says to her.

  "I didn't hear a thing," She says like a smart ass.

  "You're a pathetic waste of human flesh," Janie spit out while still holding onto me, making me sob more.

  "You're disgusting," Jessica says as she takes my other arm again. Hannah rolls her eyes and backs into the kitchen.

  Two flights of stairs almost kill me. Janie and Jessica help me lay right in the bed. Janie gets one of her feminine napkins and sets it in my underwear before sliding them on me. It stings as it hits the most sensitive of areas.

  I don't know what hurts more: my body, or my soul. How could he just leave like that? Where did he go? Where is he at now? Why didn't he help me? Jessica and Janie try to console me as I let all of my feelings out. I tell them everything that happened.

  "I'll try and talk to him," Janie says as she moves the hair from my face.

  "I want to punch the shit out of him," Jessica says.

  "It's like-" I try and find the words to say, "He blacked out. He couldn't hear me screaming in his ear. I couldn't see his face."

  "I think it's best you stay away from him," Jessica says, looking at the space between my legs, "You're bleeding through the pad!"

  I close my eyes to try and stop the tears from pouring out.

  "Don't alarm her, I'll get some warm water and blankets," Janie goes and gets what she says she's getting, returning quickly.

  "Should we call the police?" Jessica asks.

  Janie looks to me, asking me with her eyes. "No," I say.

  She breathes a sign of relief as she peels the underwear off, "I'll try and talk to him for you. See if I can get out of him what the hell he was thinking."

  I don't care that two people are looking between my legs. I know they're trying to help.

  "That looks really bad Hay," Jessica says, "I don't want to alarm you," She turns to Janie, "Should we take her to the hospital? Looks like she needs some stitches."

  Janie looks worried. I know why, too. It's the same reason she didn't want to call the police. She knows that they'll ask me a whole bunch of questions, and possibly accuse Ward of rape. I don't want that either. I'm hurt more than I am angry, but not that angry. I can't blame anyone. I was playing with fire and was seriously burned. I think when you can't throw blame around on anyone but yourself, that's when you start being true.

  "I don't think that's a good idea right now," I say letting Janie know I know what she's thinking with a look.

  "Why?" Jessica says.

  "Because Ms. Gar would probably have to come back, right? She's with her family, and I don't want to be the reason she might miss something important," I lie.

  "Okay," Jessica says, "If it gets worse, I think we should just shove all of that aside. You being okay should be our number one priority. Besides, Ms. Gar would be worried if she knew. She would be disappointed if we didn't tell her, and let it get worse."

  "Don't worry about me," I say, "I'll be okay. I can take care of myself, really," I don't know who I'm trying to convince, them or my own self-conscience.

  "We are worried about you, though," Janie says.

  "Like, bunches," Jessica says with her head tilted.

  I think they're the best friends I've ever had. They're like the sisters I've never had.

  TEN

  Over the course of the next few days, the pain gets worse. It hurt so bad to pee, I can barely stand it. I couldn't wipe well because the pain would shoot right up the middle of my body. The sting of a hot shower was about the only thing I could do.

  Janie and Jessica have to go to the store to get food and supplies. They'll be gone for a very long time because the nearest superstore that has everything we need is fifty miles away. I lie and say I'm fine, so they won't worry about me. I'm not. My whole body is weak. I'm still bleeding. I'm swollen. I'm sweating, which is giving me some cold shivers through my body. When the blanket is on, I'm burning up. When it’s off, I'm freezing to the point of quaking. I don't know what to do.

  I haven't seen Ward. I don't know where he went, or what he's doing. I don't think he's far because I occasionally smell his body. I think I see his shadow in the hallway, but I'm probably just delusional at this point. I feel like I'm dying. I've never been this sick before.

  By noon, I've finished my classes and leave Janie's laptop closed on my lap. I don't have the strength to put it up. I'm sweating. My eyes have a purplish tint to them, and I can barely keep them open. If I fall asleep, will I wake up?

  Am I hallucinating? Is his body really by my bedside? I put my weak arm out, and grab for him. I grab something solid. I feel the pressure of the bed shift. He sits by my stomach. I feel his hand on my forehead. Wait, is this my mother? She used to do this to me, too.

  "Hi, mom," I whisper.

  "N-no. Hay. Holy fucking shit." I hear his distorted voice booming. His voice cracks, I think.

  I feel my body go back to the place where it was before. I think it is Ward, but I don't have the strength to cry. So, I pretend it's not. I hear this male voice talking. His hand is on his ear.

  "Janie-" He starts to say, and then I hear really loud yelling muffling through his hand. He's on his phone.

  "Jessica, please. L-let me talk, no, please, I'm begging you, let me talk to Janie- Yes, I know. I fucked up. Yes, okay. Thank you."

  Janie is screaming so loud on the phone, I can hear some of her words quite clearly, "Ward- can't believe you- LEFT HER THERE- WE- bleeding."

  "Okay, yes I know what happened. I was there. N-no I'm not trying to be a smartass. Please, just listen to me. I'm with her now," Ward says.

  Janie screams so loud, I can hear her every word, "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU HURT HER AGAIN, I WILL PUT YOU AWAY MYSELF!"

  "No, I'm not going to hurt her, please just listen. Okay. I'm in the room now. She's delusional. She thought I was her mother. She looks weak, and she's running a fever. I need to take her to the hospital," about a minute passes, "I know, I don't know how I'll explain it. Ms. Gar's black town car is still here. I'll call Ms. Gar and tell her what's going on briefly. That'll give us time. Okay. Not the hospital in Tallahassee. No. The other one. I know it's an hour away. It's closer to you guys, so you can get there when I do. I'll meet you guys there. Okay, bye. Yes, towels and blankets." He hangs up.

  "Are we leaving?" I weakly ask.

  "Yes, we're going to the hospital," He says softly while putting a hand on my forehead. I see him rub the space between his eyes.

  "I won't get you in trouble, I promise," I say.

  "Okay," He says while wrapping a blanket around me.

  "I really do need somebody," I say. I don't have the ability to correct myself. I mean to say a hospital instead of somebody.

  He says nothing as I feel the blanket
s that are wrapped around me tighten around my body, and I feel myself levitating into the bright sunlight.

  The last thing I remember is the smell of old leather and cigarettes.

  When I creek my heavy eyes open I hear beeping. I'm in a gray hospital gown. The walls are a light yellow color. The hospital bed I'm sitting in has plastic rails on the side. Beyond my feet, there stands a big wooden closet with its doors open. It has a television that's on, and some other shelves in it. I look to the left and there's a white door with a long window in it. I look down and see needles in my arms with tubes connecting some pouches on a metal rod.

  On the right, Ward is sitting on a pink couch with his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes, his elbows are resting on his knees. Did he bring me here? He exhales, mumbles something. He looks up at me, looking at him. I have a mixture of feelings on my face, and my body. My eyes are wide with fear. My eyebrows are lowered with worry, and my breathing is heavy with an emotion that mixes the two.

  He sucks the right side of his teeth with his tongue and looks down while rolling his jaw. He's speechless. And I didn't even say anything yet. I knew this would be awkward. I'm staring so intently, I feel an unexpected tear trickle to my chest.

  "Why did you leave me?" I practically yell.

  "I-I don't know," he answers, "I told you I wasn't a good person. You didn't listen."

  "Don't you dare try and make this my fault!" I pronounce almost every word with rage, he's stunned, “I blamed myself because you manipulated me. When, in reality, it was you that was-" I look away, because I start crying even more.

  "I don't know what to say," He lowers his head.

  "Yes, yes you do," I let out, "But you won't say it, and I don't know why. Help me understand, Ward. Tell me how you want me away from you, but drag me back to you on the same day, and then show me a dark side that you warn me about? I feel like I've been tricked."

  "Will you ever forgive me?" he barely says.

  "How can I forgive someone who never apologized in the first place?" I squeeze my eyes tight, letting, even more, tears gush from my eyes. He doesn't say a word. "Just leave me alone, Ward. Please. I don't know how to deal with you. I don't know how to mend a broken person. I've never had to be strong for anyone, but myself. Please, just go." I look down at my blurry hands.