"Don't laugh at me, this is the only country song I know. And I just learned it today, so..." I laugh a little at him as he says this, "I said don't laugh."
I try and straighten my face out as he starts with a familiar stroke. His voice is strong and low. It's so sexy. He starts singing the words to an old Randy Travis song, 'Forever and Ever, Amen.' He looks up at me, and I can tell he all of a sudden gets nervous. His voice shakes a little, and his throat and cheeks flush with color.
I don't know why it takes me a few seconds to realize that he's singing this to me. If I open myself up to him now, will he hurt me? Is he trying to change? Is he just trying to get into my pants again? This thought makes me a little angry. I don't want him to get too close without some time in between us.
"Amen," He finishes. He looks to me for a reaction.
I don't know what to say, so I'll sing it to him. I flip through the playlist in my head. What would work? What song describes my exact feelings? I give him no facial expressions. I find the perfect one.
I motion for him to give me the guitar. He hands it to me with a confused expression on his face. I start out with a D note, and switch between D and G. I don't know if the song actually starts out on that note. Chances are, he's never heard the song before, so I don't give it much thought. I decide on 'Leave the Pieces,' by The Wreckers. I stare into his eyes the whole time. As he listens to the lyrics, he sees what I'm trying to tell him. I realize he's hurt when I belt out, "You're gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go."
A flood of guilt washes over me. He just sang his heart out to me, and I basically told him 'fuck you.' I'm a bitch. He looks like an innocent child sitting there. He stares blankly at me, through me. He is still sitting on the bed. His eyes don't move when I set his guitar to the side and get up to walk over to him. I just want to hug him, to show him I'm sorry. I know he's hurt. He's taken a lot of pain in his life. Maybe he just needs one thing that won't hurt him? Maybe I can be that steady rock under him.
He plays with his tongue ring in his mouth as he stares blankly at my shoulders. I get so close to him, I feel his blood coursing through his veins. I put my arms around his neck, and hold the back of his head to my collar bone. I feel his lips there, and the air from his nose is slow, almost like he's smelling me. I feel his arms move up, stay there for a second before falling back to his side; and repeating. He's hesitating to hold me. Maybe he feels guilty too?
After what feels like an eternity, I am elated to feel his hands on my lower back. They're wide open and spread apart. I think he's trying to feel as much of me as he can before it's over. It feels good to finally touch him after six weeks. His hands grip my shirt a little, then run up and down my spine, and over the small curves of my sides. This sends warm shivers all over me. They reach my bottom, and he pulls my bottom half closer to him. This forces my knees to bend on the bed. I rest on his lap with my legs on either side of him, in a straddle position. I keep my arms around his neck, my face now rests on my arm and his neck. His arms hesitantly tighten around my waist, and pushes my stomach into his.
After a while, I migrate my arms under his, and onto his back. I rest my face on the base of his neck, so my bun won't be in his face.
"I don't want to lose you," he says, half of his voice a whisper. I don't say anything. I don't know what to say, quite frankly. How should I feel? I'm battling demons and angels in my head right now.
My breathing gets harder and faster as I prepare myself to say it, or sing it actually, in his ear, "I may hate myself in the morning," I straighten my back to meet his face, "but I'm gona love you tonight."
His left hand moves from my lower back to my neck. His thumb traces my chin and jawline before faltering a kiss.
He inhales as he kisses me. His hands are at my neck and jaw, holding me there as our heads turn left and right. My hands are on the back of his shoulders. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. His body language says he hasn't touched me in a while, and he wanted to desperately. His body language did not say he just wanted to get in my pants. How could I be so stupid?
I decide I want to take this real slow. Last time we moved too fast too soon, he blacked out and tore me open. I don't want him becoming an animal.
My kissing slows down, and so does his. Can he hear what I'm thinking? Can he sense my fear slowly creeping up on me as I realize I'm in his arms again? I think so.
He sucks on my bottom lip for a second, letting it go. He holds my face and looks at me. We breathe hard looking at one another for a second until he puts pressure on my back, forcing me to lay on his shoulder again. He smells so good.
"I'm s-" He whispers after a few minutes, then pauses. I can feel the vibrations from his chest as he talked, "So happy you uh- came in here. To my room," he finished awkwardly. Holy shit. He almost said it. I can feel it. I don't want him to know that I know he almost did.
I sit up so I looking into his eyes, "Me too," I whispered with a smile tugging on my right cheek. I take my hands from his forearms and put them on each side of his broad neck. I pull his face towards mine. The kiss was sensual, and long. Almost like it was our first one.
His back reclines to the bed. I can hear the slap of his flip flops on the concrete. I lay on top of him as we kiss. My hair falls out of its grip, cascading around us. He turns, laying me on his right side, and scoots up to his blue pillows. The one on the right still has a red stain on it. My heart sinks as I see this, reminding me of what could happen again, among other things. I scoot up to meet him. He holds his head up with his arm, and I lay in front of him. His free hand runs over my arm. The pads of his fingers make bumps rise on my arms. I take my middle finger and put it to his bottom lip. I press it down, and it flops back into place. We play with each other's bodies, seeing how it works. How they react to different things. I learn when I nibble his ear, he laughs like a schoolgirl. When I run my fingers up his arms, he shivers like a cat. When he puts his hand on my lower back, I twitch. It feels like electricity shooting out, and flows through my bottom and into the bottom of my heels.
We start kissing.
I eventually unbutton my own jeans and take them off. He does the same. We're both laying in our underwear. I hoist my leg over him, and he takes the crotch of my bent knee closer to him. His arm that he was laying on slips under my head. He bends his elbow and is now resting his hand on my top shoulder. He moves over me and kisses my neck. Slowly. I almost lose it.
I stay on the bottom the whole time. I want to know how he pleases. I want to experience the side of him that I absolutely love. I want him to want me, and to experience love. I know he hasn't loved in a very long time. A drunken man with a gun changed everything, he was shut off from these feelings, and because I guess he thought he didn't deserve to have them. He filled all of the stolen emotions with anger, and drugs.
We go on for hours. His sweaty chest sits atop my own. We're breathing like panting dogs. I'm not hurting. I'm not in pain. He's not hurting me. He's loving me. And I'm loving him.
Dawn peeks through his bedroom window when we finish. So, here we are. Laying in front of each other, just panting. My body and my eyes are sleepy. My mind and my soul are wide awake. We both have no facial expressions. My body goes limp. My mind goes blank. I open and close my eyes slowly, fighting sleep. His shoulder falls to the other side of him, and he reaches around behind him on the floor. He grabs my shirt. What is he doing?
He finds the head of the shirt and rolls it up. He puts it to my head and rolls it to my shoulders. He is dressing me. I put my arms through the loops, and he tugs it over my chest and to my waist. He lifts his torso up and grabs my panties. He hooks in the right foot, the left foot. He gently slides them up. I have to move my hips so he can pull them the rest of the way up. He smiles at me. What is going on? Did he just trick me, and is he now kicking me out of his bed? I'm slowly getting scared with these thoughts. He kicks his legs in his boxers.
To my relief, he lays back in front of
me. I've never had a man dress me before.
He starts to stroke my cheek, while his blue eyes look all over my face. He runs his fingers in circles over my face. He starts singing a song I've never heard before, "Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you. Let me inside, let me get close to you. Change your mind, or get lost if you want me to. Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you."
I move my head to his chest and lay on my stomach. He moves my hair from my face. I put my left arm around him.
He slowly strokes my back, sending me into a spiraling deep sleep. I have not gotten lost but found him. The real him. I feel like the winner of a scavenger hunt. But the prizes need to be mended and healed first. Wing it, right?
TWELVE
I don't know what time it is. I don't know where Ward went. My expectations were let down when I opened my eyes to just an empty doorframe. Behind me, rain is knocking on the window.
I yawn and stretch down the hallway to my room. It's quiet and empty. Where is everyone? I decide to shower. When I finish I braid my hair to the side, and slip on white shorts, a blue flowing tank top. I have a test due today. I don't know how I'm going to concentrate. Scenes from last night play in my mind all afternoon. I can't get him out of my head. I can't get his voice out of my ears. I can't get his taste off of my tongue. I can't get his touch away from my fingertips. His smell lingers above my lips. All of my senses have been consumed by him.
I walk downstairs to the media room with my books in my arms. When I reach the foyer, I hear loud grunting every five seconds or so. As I get closer to the media room, and into the dining room, I hear some rock music playing too. There's a door in front of the media room across the table. I set my books down on the table, and inch towards the door. I press my ear to the door. It's Ward. He's grunting, and listening to rock music? What?
I slowly turn the nob to the white wooden door. Inside I find a room slightly bigger than the media room. It's a light blue color with mirrors on the back wall. There's a pathetic treadmill on one corner, and a weight lifting set on the other. He's lifting weights. I don't know why I find this so sexy. I decide not to bother him. I slowly close the door. When I turn around, Ms. Gar is outside her office. I jump.
"Hayden, I need to see you please," She says with no facial expressions. Am I in trouble? Does she know I slept in Ward's room last night? I feel like I'm being sent to the principal’s office.
"Okay," I say while guiltily walking to her.
As she closed the door behind me, I noticed papers all over her otherwise neat desk. She motions for me to sit in the red chair with wooden arms. I sit.
"Hayden, I think I have to tell you a few things," She starts as she turns on her computer, types something on the keyboard, and it dings as it powers on.
"Okay?" I ask nervously.
"I have done some investigating. Some things just didn't quite add up. I am sorry I did it behind your back, but I didn't want it to be just nothing, and to worry you," She says quickly, "I requested your birth certificate, it came back looking normal. It just still didn't feel right," She pulls a piece of thick paper towards me. I'm looking at my birth certificate from the state.
"Okay?" I ask. I am getting so nervous. What's going on?
"I had your fingerprints ran, and this is what I found," She puts another piece of paper in front of me. It's older, more worn. It has my first and middle name, but the last name is Conch, not Greene. I scrunch my eyebrows as she looks at me, waiting for a reaction. The space under parents is blank.
"I don't understand," I say.
"You've been adopted before. David and Patricia weren't your real parents, baby. They've obviously never told you. Now, I don't know who your real parents are, but I can try to find out," I can't believe this. I am in shock. I suddenly go through all five stages of grief in two minutes.
"Can you find out?" I hear my empty words. I don't even want to know.
"There's only one lead, and that's your old last name and the hospital you were born at. I don't know how much of a shot we have, but I can't promise you we'll find anything, it looks like it was a closed adoption, maybe illegal," She pauses, "There's one more thing," she continues with a hesitation I can't put my finger on, "When your parents changed your name, they misprinted your birthday. If you look here, the old one has a difference of one year. You're sixteen, not seventeen."
"I'm sure my parents noticed they were holding a one-year-old, instead of a two-year-old, this can't be true," My eyes don't blink.
"There may be a reason they wanted this to happen. They might have even had something to do with this mistake, which is probably why they didn't fix it," She says, "I'm not saying they did, don't get me wrong, but I'm just saying it's a possibility."
I'm speechless, emotionless, and I feel empty. Everything was a lie. Down to my age. Why didn't she just leave well enough alone? She didn't have any right to do this! I suddenly feel angry and violated. I'm so confused. I feel like my parents died all over again.
I get up angrily. Before I can open the door, it smacks me in the face. I am taken back, with my nose throbbing. Ms. Gar gets up and rushed to me.
Ward is on the other side of the door. He realizes what he did. I can feel oceans of tears behind my eyes, and the tightness in my throat gives way to the flood of wetness while my hand is at my throbbing nose. I spurt sobs at Ward, who is still standing behind the door.
He sees me crying and runs to hug me. "You okay? I didn't hit you that hard, did I?"
I shake my head no as his arms surround my head. He smells a little like corn chips. I want to run far away. I want him to let me go so I can run.
"I'm not Hayden Greene," I cry into his bicep.
"What?" He says.
"I'll give you two a minute," Ms. Gar walks out of the room.
I tell him what she just told me. I wipe the tears from my eyes. I'm embarrassed that he had to see that. I don't know why. He wipes the tears away from my face, and I calm down a little.
"Want to go to town this weekend?" He asks, out of the blue. Maybe he doesn't know what to do in this situation.
"For what?" I ask, sniffling.
He shrugs his shoulders, "Hang out for a little bit. It's the reason I came in here, was to ask Ms. Gar."
I think he's trying to ask me on a date. It's cute, really cute. He's trying. I don't want to hurt his ego, so I play along.
"Okay," I say with a smile that was just a frown. My mind is still in a jumble from earlier.
"Wear something," He tilts his head to the right, "Cute."
"I'll try," I say, confused. When you say this to a girl, questions are bound to follow. Cute as in comfortable cute? Cute as in sexy cute? This is a broad statement.
"You always do, anyways," He smiles. I sniffle the liquid back in my nose and try to hide it with a brush of my palm.
I shyly smile, "I wish you'd tell me what we're going to be doing, so I'll know what to wear, but I know that's probably a secret, right?" I squint my eyes at him.
He shakes his head yes with a smile on his face. He knows something that I don't, I can sense it. I can't admit to myself that I'm a bit afraid to go somewhere with him alone. I can't even let him know I'm thinking anywhere close to that. “Does this make you feel better?” He says as he wipes the old tear off my face.
I shake my head yes. "Okay, then." I lift my head up towards him. I have to stand on the balls of my feet just to reach his face. He's leaning up against a small table in Ms. Gar's office with his arms crossed. I give him just a peck. But he wants more, so he uncrosses his arms and holds them around my waist. I have to strain to put my arms around his head.
"Glad everything is okay in here," Ms. Gar comes in the door. We unhook from each other in embarrassment.
“I wanted to ask you something,” Ward says.
Ward goes into town for Ms. Gar to pick up Chase's medicine. I can't wait to find Janie and tell her. She's sitting on her bed, bobbing her head with the laptop on her knees to music that's play
ing loudly in her ears.
"JANIE!" I yell to get her attention as I sit on the edge of her bed.
"Jesus! You scared me! What if I was watching something dirty?" She laughs.
"Then you should've done it in a more private place, you freak," I say as she giggles.
"What do you want, butthead? I was listening to a good song." She says.
"Pause it, I have some news."
After I tell her what happened, she's shocked. Mostly from what Ms. Gar told me. "Okay, you know what? I can't keep this from you, I have to tell you. So you won't freak out when it happens," She moves the laptop to the side.
"You're already freaking me out," My heart drops a little bit. “No more bad news, please.”
"Well, Ward came to me earlier today, and told me everything, by the way. You sang him a breakup song after he sang his poor pea-picking heart out to you? Jerk," She gives a little laugh, but it makes me feel guilty, "And he also said that the quote, unquote lovemaking was nothing short of amazing. Said that he feels like he's falling in love with you, Hay." She's smiling but in a good way.
"Really?" I ask.
"Yeah, really. He is planning something very special for you. He has planned this all out by himself, and I'm quite impressed," She leaves me hanging.
"What is it?" I ask.
"I don't want to-" She pauses, and sighs, "Okay, since you are pretty much my best friend, I'll tell you. But I swear if you tell him I told you, I will give you the biggest titty twister you've ever had in your life."
I smile, "Okay, no nipple twisting required, I promise."
"Good, because that would be weird. Okay, where do I start? Every year before it gets too cold, Ms. Gar lets the top floor go to the beach by themselves. That's what we're doing this weekend, actually. Hold on, let me explain," she cuts me off before I had time to ask questions, "He's planning on taking you in Mr. Bo's truck to Panama Beach. Jessica and I are going to trail behind you guys in Ms. Gar's town car with all of your bathing suits and stuff. Hannah can't go because she has a softball game that she just has to go to. When we get there, he's going to surprise you. This year, we're going to get hotel rooms for the whole weekend. You two get one, Jessica and I get one. This was all his idea. We usually get one big one, and he sleeps in the bathtub."
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 10
