Although I am deeply troubled by the news I just received, I have butterflies and oceans in my stomach. I feel so giddy and just awesome. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
THIRTEEN
I pretend all week I don't know what's going on. Even Ms. Gar has played along. Ward and I have been rotating sleeping between my bed and his. We aren't worried about getting caught with Ms. Gar because she can barely make it up the stairs anymore. Poor thing.
He likes my bed for some reason. As soon as he jumps in between the sheets, he sniffs my pillow. Janie says she doesn't care. She says it's the most excitement she's had in a long time.
Tonight we're in my bed. I'm lying on his stomach with my hands under my chin. I start nodding off, feeling his warmth under me.
"You ready for tomorrow?" He asks me, disrupting me.
"Yeah," I say as a sigh.
"Good." He flicks my nose. I scrunch my face and pinch his nipple. His hand shoots to the area with a pinched face. I push my head to the side, and hoist my body over him and between the wall. He grabs me under my arms and scoots me up. I am afraid I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.
Janie and I have been putting together what I'm bringing with us in a bag. We also have our outfits put together. I've been playfully begging Ward to tell me what he's planning on. Just laughs, and shakes his head. We leave tomorrow at nine.
I'm nervous to drive two hours in a car with him. I'm nervous no one will be in the same vehicle, but they will be about thirty minutes behind us. Should I feel guilty that I'm kind of still afraid? I'm afraid he's not completely off of the drugs. I'm afraid he'll black out, blow up, or get crazy. I don't know what to do if that happens again. That would be it for us, I guess. I don't want it to be, either. I want to be with him. I've never cared for someone this much. I've never wanted to wrap up in someone like I do with him.
I sit in front of Ward, who is out cold. These things just flow through my mind. I listen to his breathing falling and rising. Why would someone put a child through what Ward went through? What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch would damage a person so bad that they live the rest of their lives like they need to take revenge out on whoever they can? I imagine Ward as a child, strapped in a chair. The hurt in his small eyes is too much for me to handle. I get so wrapped in these thoughts, I start to quietly sob.
I open my eyes, and see Ward looking at me, "What's wrong?" He asks groggily.
I'm embarrassed. I don't want to tell him. I don't want him to make fun of me. "I just- had a dream about my mom, that's all," I lie.
He hugs my neck and pulls me closer to him. My arms are bent between us, and his head lay atop mine. I find comfort in his warmth.
My alarm screeches beside us at seven thirty. We get up and get ready. I decide on a waist-high black flowy skirt with tiny flowers on it, with a white spaghetti strap tank top tucked in, all held together with a brown belt. My hair is down and free. I decide on minimal makeup. A smudge of eyeliner, mascara, and some lip gloss.
I am putting the finishing touches on my face when I hear Ward coming around the doorframe. I turn around from my nightstand, and he has a stunned look on his face, and I smile at him.
"Whoa," He says. He's wearing a blue and white checker button up shirt, and jeans. His hair is spiked, and he smells so good it's almost unbearable. "You look, just- stunning," He walks slowly to me.
"Yeah?" I ask, "It's not too much?"
"It's nice," He nods his head, closes his eyes, and corrects himself, "You look nice. Very nice. Gorgeous, actually."
I say nothing, just smile and walk out into the hallway with him. With every step, my heartbeat increases. Should I be mad he's kind of lying to me? When we reach the second-floor landing, as we turn the corner to the next set of stairs, he takes my hand. This sends a spark from my fingers, through my shoulders, and up to my face; forcing a smile that hurts a little. I'm smiling like an idiot. I think he feels my idiocy because he looks at me and laughs a small, cute laugh.
He's already pulled the old blue truck out front. It is a single cab faded old thing. The mirrors are bigger than my head. He lets go of my hand for a moment to open the creaky door. I climb into the cab. The old blue vinyl seats stick to my legs as I get situated, and watch Ward stroll to the driver's seat. There's no center console, seat belts, or rear view mirror. There's not much in here. They must've cleaned it out. There're a few empty water bottles behind the seats, and a random rag sitting on the dashboard. The truck shifted as he climbed in. I look in the middle and see a stick. Can he drive a stick shift?
Apparently, he can. I set my purse on the floor and watch him in envy. He stomps on the ground, moves the stick around and we gently flow around the pebble driveway. We reach the caution light and turn onto a bumpy dirt road. There's something about a man driving that makes me go crazy. I love it. It's so sexy for some reason. He pulls a cigarette out from his pants, and smoke pours out the window. I am about to lose it. I pull my pack out and slip some sunglasses on.
He looks at me, with my hair flying through the muggy Florida air. I turn around in my seat so that my back is to the door, facing him. Reaching over to the radio, I click it on. It's the oldest radio I've seen in a while. It still has a cassette player. Country music blares through the speakers. Ward makes a face. I know he likes rock music better. He sucks on his cigarette as I change the station to a rock station. He starts bobbing his head and singing along.
After the song is over, the station goes to a commercial. He turns it back to the country station. The song that I played him last week comes through. I suddenly feel embarrassed.
"You know," He says, "I honestly didn't think this was a real song. I thought you made it up on a whim."
"Oh," I say guiltily, reaching to change it. He stops me.
"I want to hear it. You sang it perfectly." He says, making me blush. He smiles at me, but as the song continues his smile drops. He slows the truck, pulls something under him, and turns the truck off. My head jerks back and forth with the truck, "I have to talk to you," He says.
Oh God. Is he going to kill me and hide my body?
"O-okay?" I say hesitantly.
His knees almost touch the bumpy steering wheel. He looks nervous. He licks his lips, and starts, "I have to tell you. I've never had a girlfriend like this before. I don't honestly know what I'm doing," holy shit. He just called me his girlfriend, "I don't know how to act, or what to do. If I do something wrong, or not quite in the right way, I want you to tell me."
"Just do what feels natural to you, I won't judge you. I want you to do whatever you feel comfortable with, Ward."
"I also have to tell you," He starts. Oh, no. I feel my nerves jumping, "I-uh. I was on drugs," He says guiltily, "Hard drugs. Really bad ones that seriously mess you up." He steals his gaze from me and stares at his hands on the bottom of the steering wheel.
"Are you anymore?" I ask. He shakes his head no, and I'm elated. He quit.
"But I uh- still have some serious work to do on myself, Hay. I hope you're patient." He lowers his voice.
As long as it doesn't hurt us, I'll be okay," I say with a smile. I'm happy. He looks up at me with those oceans for eyes and smiles at me. I can't help myself anymore. I push myself from the door and crawl to his side. He helps me over him. My back barely touches the steering wheel. My boots lie on either side of him. I don't feel like a lady in this position with a skirt on. I don't care.
He holds my back and sides as we kiss. I hold onto his face as our heads turn. I stop and look into his eyes with my hands along his jawline.
"I'm proud of you, Ward," I say. He wears a smile of pride on his cheeks. A few seconds pass.
"I think I'm falling in love with you, Hay," He says. I think he embarrassed himself by admitting his feelings because he turns beet red. I feel like fireworks are going off in my stomach. I feel a thousand years’ worth of gushing water behind my eyes.
"Really?" I ask close to crying.
"Really," He smiles.
He wipes the escaped water off of my cheeks with his thumb. I mush my face into his and kiss him sensually.
I spend the rest of the time going down the dirt road with my head on his lap. He holds my hand until he has to switch gears on the main highway. The rocking of the truck and the new comfort I've found in him sends me into sleep world. Long trips always make me sleepy.
I wake up when we stop for gas. Where the hell are we? I take out my phone when he shuts the door and goes inside the store. Wausau. Where the hell is Wausau? I look it up, and we're not even halfway there. My back hurts, so I decide to get out and stretch. Ward walks out of a store with two colorful drinks and some snacks foods. He has suddenly acquired some aviator sunglasses.
"Where are we?" I ask when he reaches me. I lean my back on the passenger's side door.
"Half way there," He answers.
"I didn't think it took over an hour and a half to get to Tallahassee," I give him a look.
"We're not going to Tallahassee," He says with a smart ass smile, "I said we were going to town, you assumed it was Tallahassee."
I sigh. "It better be something amazing, because I want it to make up for this long ass car ride."
"Oh, it will." He says as he puts the drinks and snacks through the passenger's side open window onto the seat. He takes my hand and ushers me to where the tank is. He puts the nozzle in and puts up the lever on the handle. It pumps by itself. He leans himself beside the pump and pulls me in. I turn around so that my back is on him. He puts his arms on my shoulders and crosses them. Behind me, I can hear him smelling me. He starts to kiss my neck and I giggle a little.
I have the bottle of blue juice half empty before we get out of the parking lot. "Thirsty?" Ward says.
"Oh yeah," I say when I catch my breath.
He starts laughing hysterically. It's like he's trying to bring himself to say something, but he doesn't have the guts to.
"What?" I ask with my eyebrows lowered.
"Nothing," He continues laughing. I know what he's going to say. He's trying to hold back something dirty. I start laughing because I know.
"You'll give me something to drink, huh?" I say. He can't bring himself to say yes. He has his lips sucked between his teeth like he's trying to hold back from laughing more.
I lick my lips and scoot right beside him. He puts his arm around me after he finishes shifting. I lay my head on his shoulder. Do I want to do this? I think so.
Is it too much? No, he'll like it.
I put my hand on his chest. He looks down at me, smiles, and looks back at the road. He doesn't know what's coming. I slide my hand down his torso. He arches an eyebrow at me. I shoot him a devious smile. The lower I go, the wider his eyes get. I put pressure on his pants over his zipper.
"W-what are you doing?" He asks.
I put my hand in the air and say, "I can stop if you want me to, it’s whatever."
"Y-you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you know, you can uh-" he clears his throat, "do that. Or whatever you were doing. Fine with me." He says quickly.
"Okay," I say and put my hand there again. I slowly find the zipper and pull it towards the steering wheel. I can hear his breathing get deeper and a bit faster. Both of his hands tightly grip the wheel.
"Sh-sh-shit Hayden," He spits out. His eyes are twitching to stay open.
"F-fuck," He musters while swerving a little. Good thing there's nobody on this God forsaken road.
After I finish, he calms down a little and asks, "What was that about?"
"You didn't like it?" I ask.
"Well, yeah. I did. Like, a lot. That was a little unexpected," He says, "I guess I should return the favor later?"
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do you know," I mock his tone from earlier, "You don't have to do that. Or you could, fine with me."
He has a smile on his face longer than this car ride. After this, I am feeling incredibly turned on. My body is yearning for that touch again. I just need to wait until we get there. Whenever that may be.
I'm getting no cell service. We must be in the middle of no man's land. My butt hurts, and I have to pee. "Can we stop somewhere? I have to use the bathroom," I tell him.
"We are actually almost there," He says, pointing to the large green sign. PANAMA CITY BEACH 10.
"We're going to the beach?" I ask. I am such a good pretender.
"Yeah," He says. I think he surprised me too early. Now he has to explain.
"I didn't bring a bathing suit or anything," I say.
"Janie and Jessica are about twenty minutes behind us," He explains this, even though I already knew.
"What?" I play along.
"Every year, Ms. Gar lets the top floor go to the beach before it gets too cold," He explained it exactly how Janie did.
"You tricked me, mister!" I say and playfully slap his thigh.
"I wouldn't say tricked," He shrugs his shoulders, "More like a teasingly organized adventure." This makes me laugh.
We pull up to a large white building with several balconies surrounding it. It looks like it might have been a really nice place about twenty years ago. I can hear the pounding of the ocean when he turns the truck off. "We'll go get situated in our hotel room, and wait for the girls to get here," he starts to get out, "Oh yeah, I paid for our own room. Ms. Gar doesn't know that, so keep that on the down-low."
The only thing I carry up is my purse for now until the girls get here. He held my hand the entire way up. The lobby, hallways, stairs, and elevators all have the same ugly blue carpet with sea shells on it. We're on the fourth floor in room four twenty-five. We open the front entrance. There’s a big sliding glass window in the back, a large queen bed in the middle of the room, a flat screen in front of that, a bathroom in the corner by the bed, and a dresser under the television.
In between the bed and the bathroom, there's a large blue cushioned chair, made for one person. I go to the bathroom really quick and freshen up while I'm in there. When I come out, Ward is sitting in the blue chair asleep. Poor thing. A two and a half hour drive would make anyone tired. His arms are rested along the padded arm rests. His head is tilted back against the chair.
I gently sit on his lap with my feet to one side of him. He peeks out at me, with his head still in the same position. He smiles, and I smile right back to him. I put my right hand along his jawline. "Thank you, Ward," I say.
"For what?"
"For pulling all of this together. It means a lot, actually."
"I did well?" He asks groggily.
"Very good," I say as I give him a kiss. He moves his hand from the chair to the back of my thighs. His other hand goes to my back. I move my arm back, and my bra creeks loudly. I can feel Ward's lips curl up as we kiss. He finally pulls his head away, and he puts a hand to his face to hide it.
"Did you just do what I think you just did?" His shoulders are bouncing, and the only thing coming out of him is a hiss of a laugh.
"No," I say embarrassed, "My bra made a squeaking noise," I cover my laughing face with my hand, "We're not that far in our relationship for me to be that comfortable just yet." I'm laughing so hard, I have tears in my eyes. We both laugh hard in the same place for a little while. He finally catches his breath and leans his head back to cool off.
I can't bring myself to look at him because it might bring a new wave of laughter. I just stare at the floor with a giggle still in my throat.
"Okay, I had my laugh for today," He says, "Want to take a nap before the girls get here?"
"Sure, but I don't think we'll be doing much napping," I look up at him, and he raises an eyebrow while smiling. He leans forward and picks me up. He plops me on the bed with me giggling.
He literally jumps beside me. The starchy comforter is thin and uncomfortable under us. I kick my flip flops off, and lay straight on my back. Ward flips on his stomach next to me. He scoots closer, and puts his arm over my stomach, with his other arm holding his head erect. He looks up at me, and I dow
n at him. His hand over my stomach moves to my jawline, down to my chin, and under the curve of my neck. Goosebumps find their way to the surface of my skin when he grazes my collar bone. He runs the tips of his fingers along the bone that shifts up and down with my breathing. He goes back down, over my accelerated heartbeat, and over the top of my right breast towards my arm. He grabs my right arm and forces me to move on my side, facing him. His face is at my stomach. He puts his hand on my back and kisses my stomach above the skirt on my white tank top. He grabs my shirt with the hand that's resting on my back and lifts it out of my skirt. His hand lay on my bare back. His face nestles in between my breasts, kissing the skin there softly. I wrap my arms around his head and rake the hair there with my fingers.
I tilt my head back and let him love me.
His head moves down, kissing every inch on the way. Oh, God. He's only done this once before to me, and I really don't remember it. Does he? I'm so nervous I'm close to trembling. I'm sure glad I freshened up. When he reaches my pelvis, I say, "Y-you don't have to do that if you don't want to."
"Do you want me to?" he asks between kisses.
"Kind of, I'm nervous," I say between breaths. He just looked at me and smiled with his mouth on my pelvis. He scoots my panties down slowly. Stroking the back of my thighs, he kisses my inner thighs.
"Stop being such a fucking tease," I laugh. He does too. I mocked what he told me in the shower when we first had a special encounter. He knew it and smiled as he continued. We connected, even more, this time. It’s like he isn’t the same person. He appears more sensual and less angry this time.
I think back to the few times I’ve given myself to others. The first time was a huge mistake, and I wanted to get it over with. The second time was with a long term boyfriend that ended up using me. I can’t exactly remember why I did it with the other two boys. Some would think me a harlot for hooking up with so many guys at a young age, but I don’t care. I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to others. I do what makes me feel good. Thing is, I haven’t felt this level of comfort and happiness with any other guy that I’ve been with. I wish I would have waited sometimes so that he could have been the one I gave myself to for the first time. That would have been extra special.
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 11
