Hot & Cold: Toxic Love

by Jessica E. Kirby

  My heart is like a brick wall, and he's slowly carving away at the mortar. Should I feel bad that this wall is up? I can see him trying. I can see him trying really hard. These thoughts ravage my brain and seep into my dreams as I nod off to sleep with his face in my neck.

  FOURTEEN

  I jolt awake to the sound of pounding on the door. I have to remind myself where I am. Ward is up and dressing himself. I strap my bra on, and throw my clothes on. Ward's hair looks a hot mess, and all over the place. Mine does too.

  Ward opens the door to Janie and Jessica, who are already in their bathing suits. "Surprise!" Jessica says as she strolls in with me still on the edge of the bed. She had a bag on her shoulder, and Janie has two on hers. One is mine.

  "Y’all got me good," I say with sleep still hanging around.

  "Turn some lights on in here, you vampires," Janie says while flipping on the lights.

  "What took y’all so long?" Ward asks while wiping his eyes. They pile in, and Ward closes the door behind him.

  "We got pulled over, but Janie used her charm and we were let go with a warning," Jessica teases.

  "That was interesting," She says and looks on the ground by the bed. My black panties are still on the floor, "Did we uh- interrupt something?"

  "No, we're done," Ward says plainly. His eyes widen on the realization of what he just said, "I mean- when we were waiting on you- uh," He looks embarrassed, "Just- decided to- never mind."

  Jessica and Janie giggle. "Well, come on, get dressed. It's three. I want to go get some sun." Janie says while dancing a little.

  I decide to wear my zebra bathing suit. I almost fall apart when Ward walks out of the bathroom in his swimming trunks. He whistles at me in my bikini.

  "What?" I ask shyly.

  "You look damn good. When I first saw you in a bathing suit, I pretty much almost lost it." He walks right in front of me and grabs my lower back and pushes himself on me. He leans down and kisses me.

  "Is that a compliment?" I ask jokingly.

  "A major compliment. That's why I squeezed you that day, I just wanted to touch you, and it all started from there," He says.

  "Oh yeah?"

  "Yeah, I don't quite know why I yelled at you when I first met you, because when I first saw you in those very tight pajamas, I pretty much had it for you then. I guess I was just angry with what happened that weekend." He says.

  "So, you're only attracted to my body?" I ask, confused.

  "No, but it's a major perk," He smiles. I smile. There's a pounding at the door.

  "C'mon lovebirds, time's a-wasting!" I can hear Janie's mouth as she screams down the hallway. We walk down the hallway with his hand in mine. The lounge is adorned in about a dozen plastic chairs that open up to a porch area with a small pool. Why do beach hotels have pools when the ocean is right behind it?

  The air has a little chill to it, but the warmth of the sun counteracts it. That's one thing I love about Florida: the weather is nice year 'round. It barely dips into the thirties most winters. It'll occasionally get below freezing, but not when it counts.

  The sand feels crunchy under my bare feet. Janie and Jessica set up a little sunbathing area. I might join them later. There are quite a few people on the beach. I look up, and see Ward's eyes everywhere. I know he's looking at other girls. Should I be mad? I think it's cute. Should I? I have him, not them. But when he lets go of my hand when some girls pass by and gawk at him, my heart sinks. He didn't want to let them know he was with me. Maybe he doesn't know? Maybe he doesn't realize that that's how he's supposed to show that he's with me? Is he embarrassed of me? Is he trying to look for someone else? I cross my arms. We stand at the edge of the water.

  The tables turn when a few cute guys walk by, one of them pops my behind. "Hey, hey, hey!" Ward yells with his jaw clenched. The guy turns around and shrugs his shoulders.

  "Sorry bro, didn't know she was yours," He shouts.

  "Just walk," He points at them with his jaw still tightly shut. I have a look of shock on my face. What just happened? I have to try and hide my smile that wants to come out. Is this what payback feels like? Is this his karma?

  "Sorry," I don't know why I say it.

  "It's not your fault. I guess I need to just be closer to you," He says while grabbing my waist. He levitates me, and walks towards the crashing waves.

  "Please don't drop me," I say calmly. I have my hands around his neck. He lets go of my legs and the water comes to my thighs.

  "Are you okay?" He asks. No, I want to say. I want to tell him that he doesn't know how to act with a girlfriend in public, especially in a place full of half exposed people; some of them close to naked. I want to tell him of my jealousy, he told me to tell him if he was doing something wrong, right? Why do I feel bad about telling him how I feel?

  "Yeah," I lie. He knows I'm lying. I think my body language and face give me away.

  "I want you to tell me," He says while holding my sides, "I want you to be open."

  "Well-" I start, trying to find the words, "I don't want to sound like I'm bitching, or complaining, or even whining, but-" I take a deep breath, he shakes his head no, he really wants to know, "when you take a girl in public, around people, you have to show them that she belongs to you." There. Maybe it sounds better in third person.

  "Because of those girls?" He asked. I guiltily shake my head yes.

  "It's not even that, just hold my hand. Or, something," I say. Was that too much too soon?

  "Okay," He says, "I'll make it up to you. I have dinner reservations at a place in town."

  "Like, a date?" I feel giddy inside.

  "Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? That's what I've seen in movies, a-and stuff," He looks down, avoiding eye contact. He's so embarrassed. He's really never done this before, has he?

  "You don't have to," I say, "But I'll take it." I reach up and suck on his lips with my arms around his neck. It's such a stretch to reach his face.

  It makes me wonder: Ward has no job. How can he afford dinner, a hotel, and separate gas for the extra vehicle? I push the thought out of my mind. Partially because a wave hits us in the right way, and we both topple over, getting completely drenched. Janie and Jessica's laughs are heard from the shore. Ward helps me up, and we go to the girls.

  Ward and I decide to lay our wet bodies all over them, making them partially damp. They couldn't be mad, because they just kept laughing. The beach was really fun. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Around five o'clock, we headed back and I got ready in the girl's room. Apparently, Ward had another surprise for me. A beautiful dress to wear to dinner.

  I slip it on, and it felt perfect on me. Janie says she helped him choose it. The dress is white, and a snug on my curves. It is one- shoulder with wrap around features around the waist. Very beautiful. The hem comes to my thigh. He even got me a pair of black heels to match. Janie helps me pin my mane up on my scalp, and other girl things. Legs shaved? Check. Deodorant? Check. Teeth clean? Check.

  I walk nervously out into the hallway with Janie and Jessica in their pajamas behind me in the doorway. Their room is only one over. Ward opens the door, and emerges an entirely different person. He's not as dressed up as he was for the dinner the first week I was at the house, but this seems more him. He's wearing a grey-blue button up shirt with the top button undone, with the sleeves rolled up. He has a black open vest, and some dressy blue jeans. His shoes are appropriately dressy, and shiny. He looks nice.

  "Holy shit," He starts, "You're just impressively ravishing."

  "No more surprises?" I say walking closer.

  He squints his eyes, and pinches his fingers together in front of my face "Just one little one," He smiles and takes my hand. I think we wanted to be closer, because as we walked down the hallway towards the elevator, he put his arm around my waist. A whistle comes from behind us. I'm not sure which one it was, but I stick my arm out behind me, with my middle finger on the end of it. I hear giggles, and a door shut.

/>   "What's this other surprise?" I ask when the elevator doors shut.

  "You'll see," He says sneakily.

  I breathe a heavy sigh, "I don't know if I can take any more surprises, I mean between the beach, and the room, and the dress, I am at a loss for words, thank you Ward. No one has ever done a thing like this for me before."

  "I've never felt this way before. About anyone. Or anything. There's something about you Hay, I can't quite put my finger on it, I hope I can someday," Ward's voice is low and sexy.

  "That's the thing, no one ever knows, no one ever does," I smile up at him. His smile is wide, and makes me go weak at the knees. The slow elevator's doors finally open to a white and blue lobby. My heels click-click on the hard wood floor at the entrance. To me, this sound is the ultimate sound a woman can make, sexy, and subtle. We can drive a man crazy just by walking. I hope I drive Ward crazy, in a good way. The double doors open, and a pitch black car is pulled up front. He unexpectedly pulls the handle to the back door.

  "You got a car for us?" I asked, shocked.

  "It comes with a driver, too," He says with his face scrunched, and his teeth bucked. He's such a smartass.

  I just smile and climb in. The seats are black leather, and it smells like coconuts. When he gets in, the car starts. The seats are dipped so that there's a small bump between us. My right leg is tucked under my left, like a lady. My hands are nervously placed in my lap over my white clutch, and my head is pointed dead straight ahead. I watch the street lights fly by us. I can feel his eyes on me, so I look at him. He smiles, and looks down at the floor.

  "I cannot believe you're mine," Ward says, "You are mine, right?"

  "If you'll have me," I say, I try to be as sexy as I possibly can.

  He lets out a heavy sigh, and rubs his face with his huge hands, "It feels like I don't deserve you."

  I truly don't know what to say to this. He's left me speechless with his honesty. I scoot the best I can over the middle to his side, and put my polished fingernails on his jaw. I taste his minty mouth, and finally say, "You deserve anything you work hard for." I look back and forth between his left and right eyes, and start kissing him again. He puts his right hand around my lower back, and his left on my face.

  "I'm falling for you so hard, Hay," He says.

  "I am too," I sigh, "I've never fallen for anyone."

  "Me either," He says as the car slows to a stop. He smiles as I scoot back over to my side, with his kiss lingering on my lips. It hurts so well.

  He opens the door, and holds out his hand. My heel steps on the concrete, as I try so carefully to get out without showing too much. He helps me up. Extravagant blue eyes are staring so intently at me, I barely notice the beautiful restaurant we're walking to. When I finally look up, I'm greeted by a large wooden lattice archway adorned with white flowers and vines. There are tiny white lights placed specially throughout the vines. Behind it, the wet concrete opened up to a beautiful set of French glass doors. They're opened for us by two men in khaki pants and white button up shirts.

  Inside, there's a violin playing. The red tasteful carpet cascades around the room. The walls, and half-walls separating each section, are a dark wood. Everyone looks so fancy, and a bit older than us. "Reservations for Jenkins," Ward says, breaking my gaze.

  "Right this way," The brown-headed young woman says. Her hair is tightly pulled back into a large bun on the base of her neck. She has on black dress pants, and a white button up shirt. All of the waitresses and waiters bare the same uniform. We're taken to a small round table in the back of the room, near a tall window shadowed in white sheer curtains. Ward pulls my chair out for me, and runs around the table to sit down. Is he just trying to woo me? There's a tiny candle burning in between us. The silverware is placed neatly around the whitest plate I've ever seen.

  "This is so fancy," I say.

  "Is it too much?" Ward says, he looks a little disappointed.

  "Not really. I'm a simple kind of girl, a burger and a shake would've done just fine for me," His face falls even further, he even looks a little embarrassed. Shit. I'm an asshole. I put my hand over the table on his, "But I like this. This is nice. Nobody has ever done this for me before."

  His smile lightens up, "Good. I wanted to make this a special night,"

  "Why is that?" I ask.

  "It's our first real date, right?" he asks.

  "Yeah," I say, shyly. His voice makes my spine shiver in a good way.

  "I wanted you to never forget it," He says, looking into his lap. A waitress comes and takes our drink orders. I don't know what they have, and I don't want to look like an idiot, so I just order a water with lemon. Ward orders a soda. Who knew?

  "Believe me, Ward," I say when she leaves us with our menus, "I couldn't forget anything you do, even if I tried."

  He smiles a thousand smiles in one. I glance down at my menu. I really can't eat much in this dress. "Jesus Christ!” I exclaim, "These prices are absolutely ridiculous!" I may say this a bit too loud, because the couple beside us turns around.

  "Order whatever you want, I got you," He says.

  "Are you sure?" I ask.

  "Well, yeah. I knew this place was pricey. It's no shock, babe," he continues to look at the menu. He just called me babe. It don't know why I feel all giddy over this totally common pet name.

  The waitress comes back, Ward orders some steak dinner, and I order a salad. She leaves with our orders, and I sip on my water.

  "Really, a salad?" Ward jokes.

  "Well," I start, “I can't eat a whole lot in this dress, frankly."

  "I think you would've been just fine," He smiles and reaches across the table to grab my hands. I put my hands in his; the candle burning between us. Is this too good to be true?

  About twenty minutes of talking, the waitress comes back with our orders. "Thank you," I say. I guess not a whole lot of her customers thank her, because she looks at me like I've given her a million dollars.

  Just as we were starting to eat, a booming male voice comes from behind Ward, "Ward! My man!"

  Ward whips around, and his halfhearted smile suggests he doesn't want to see these people tonight. A large muscular man with hair that touches his shoulders walks behind him. He has an extremely skinny and gaudy girl on his arm. Her blonde hair looks like a wig, and her blemished-filled face is covered by heavy makeup. Her colorful clothes suggest she's trying to cover up something that everyone can see. She's an obvious drug user. I get a little nervous. The man wears a stripped red button up long sleeved shirt, paired with light jeans. He looks like he belongs in the eighties.

  Ward turns around and gives the man a 'man shake'.

  "Who's this pretty lady?" He asks, pointing to me. I don't like his tone.

  "This is Hayden, Hayden, this is a good friend of mine, Rodney," Ward says. He acts like he's trying to shoo them away. He sits straight, and they stand by the table. They are not taking a hint.

  "Hi," I wave and give a wide smile. Why did I wave? They're right here. Something about them just gives me the creeps.

  "Such a pretty thing," The girl's voice sounds like she smokes five packs a day.

  "I need to talk to you a minute, do you mind?" He asks Ward with his eyebrows high. "It won't take a minute, I know you've just started your dinner, and we were on our way out."

  Don't get up. Please don't get up. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me.

  He gets up looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I nod at him, against my own wishes. He guiltily gets up and steps aside with Rodney. The girl sits where Ward was. What the hell?

  "I'm Emmy," She puts her hand across our food. I take it. Our arms drops, "How long have you known Ward?"

  "Oh, a while," I say, my eyes avert to Ward. They're having a serious conversation with each other. I don't care what this girl is saying in front of me. I don't care that she's telling me her whole life story. Get away from me.

  "-and that’s how I got in," She says.

  "Oh wow," I say u
nenthused.

  "Yeah, talk about a trip," She says, “Boy, you look so grown- I, I mean just beautiful. Just simply great,” She looks like she’s about to cry, “You grew up good,” She says. She doesn’t even know me. What the hell is this lady on?

  Ward looks at me, looking at him. He has a sadness in his eyes. Oh, God. What's going on? I wish I had a microphone on him at this moment. He shakes his head yes, and the man looks happy he has. Emmy gets up from Ward's chair, as he walks back to the table. His steps are slow and heavy. He sits down and the two leave.

  "Bye, sweetie," The girl says to me as she touches my hand.

  "Bye," I say with my nose scrunched.

  Ward looks like he has something to tell me but doesn't. He looks like he just got shot.

  "What's wrong?" I ask.

  "I- uh," He looks at his slab of meat that's no longer steaming, "I have to go somewhere tonight." My heart sinks.

  "Oh, okay," I say. I'm trying not to act as horrible as I feel. He wants to go somewhere without me. He's going to do something that he knows I don't want him to do. I put two and two together.

  "It's nothing bad," He says, "I just owe that guy a favor, that's all."

  "Okay," I try a smile to hide my hurt, "It's okay. I promise."

  "I would ask you to come, but I didn't think you'd want to," He says. He's trying act like he's asking me, and psyching me out.

  "That's okay, I'll hang out with Janie and Jessica for a little while. I don't decide what you do, Ward. Really. I'm okay," I lie a little too good. Tell him no. Tell him you want him to stay with you. Tell him this seems shady, and very suspicious.