"Okay, I will make it up to you, I promise," He says.
I smile at him, as I take a drink of the sour water. I don't even like lemons.
As we are walking out to the car after he paid the hundred dollar tab, his head hangs. Before we walk out to the curb, he takes my arm and turns me towards him. He takes my head in his hands.
"I know you're not happy," He reads my body language, "This is something I have to do. It's not bad, I promise."
I put my hands over his that are still on my face. "I'm okay, I promise. Yes, I'm a little bummed because I can't spend more time with you, but I trust you'll be okay."
He smiles and we kiss. "I'll make it up to you, I promise," He puts his forehead to mine. I feel the corners of my cheeks lift as I smile my fake smile.
He grabs my hand and walks me to the car. We sit in silence. He finally looks at me. I'm steady staring at the window and can feel his eyes on me. I can feel the pressure of his hand on my forearm. He puts more pressure on it, trying to pull me to him. I finally look up and give in to his wishes. I scoot as close as I can to him, but apparently, he wants me closer. I turn my back to him, and pull myself over his lap, with his help. I put my right arm around his back. My left over my lap, to hold down my dress.
"Everything is going to be okay, I promise," He looks at me dead in the eye. I can see behind those eyes. I see the hurt, I see misery, I see a nervousness I can't quite explain.
"Okay," I'm lying. I'm lying to myself, as well as to him. I want him to find comfort in me. My gut is telling me to stop this. But I don't. I don't know why. Help him. He's in something that I don't know about. He's lying to you, and you're just letting it happen?
He takes the back of my head and puts his lips on mine. He breathes in a second before deepening his kiss. He pulls away, and swipes his thumb on my cheek, looking into my eyes deeply. Can he feel my concern? Can he see that I'm nervous?
I put my shoulder to him, as I feel his hand on my back; pulling me closer to him. He runs his hands along my back as I lay my head beside his on his shoulder; my face in his neck.
We pull up to the hotel, and I climb to my side. He gives me the extra room key and a kiss. "I won't be long."
"It's okay, I'll hang out with the girls. Text me when you get back, okay?" I say. It's not too late, tell him to stay. Tell him you're worried.
"Okay," He gives me another kiss as he walks to the parking lot and to the truck. I sit at the mouth of the lobby, watching him start the truck, and drive away.
I hear the chit-chat of the girls as I knock on the door, mixed with some music. My hair is wet from the shower I've just taken. I'm wearing one of Ward's white t-shirts and my small black shorts. When Jessica opens the door, she's shocked to see me. She ushers me into the room and closes the door behind me. The room is set up exactly like ours, just flipped, and this one has two beds and no chair. We all lay on one bed.
Janie is on her stomach wearing a black tank top with long fuzzy pajama pants. Jessica is sitting cross-legged where the pillows are. I am in between, with my feet hanging off the bed. "I don't see why he just couldn't stay with you," Jessica says plainly.
"It's complicated, I guess," Janie says.
"I really wanted to have a special night," I say close to crying. I'm such a crybaby.
The girls gravitate towards me and start to hug me. Janie lays my head on her shoulder, as I sob. Jessica rubs my back and lays her head on my shoulder. After about a good five minutes, my eyes have dried a little. Jessica jumps up, goes to the radio they brought, and turns up a song.
"I know what you need," Jessica says as she grabs a big bag of mini-donuts, "Slumber party?" She asks as she tilts her head. I smile and lift my head. I tie my hair up on top of my head.
We didn’t worry about the neighbors downstairs. We didn’t worry about our loud pop music flooding the halls. We were just three teenage girls having fun, jumping around, and singing into our hairbrushes. Eventually, we settled down as the sugar from the doughnuts wore off.
Nostalgia ravaged my heart as I looked back at all the slumber parties I would have with my best friends back home. I remember my mother coming in at three in the morning with freshly baked cookies and juice for us. What I wouldn’t give to have my mother open the hotel room door right now, and set a plate of those freshly baked cookies and juice on the table. I stare at the door for a minute, willing it to happen. I don’t know why my heart sank when it didn’t happen. What I wouldn’t give right now to walk down that old creaky hallway, and sneak into my parent's room to snuggle in between them.
We spend the rest of the night with the balcony door open. The ocean air fills the room with a salty sweetness. We fall asleep around twelve. I have my phone under my head just in case Ward texts me. My dreams are empty. I just feel things. I feel envy. I feel fear. I feel sadness. Then I feel joy like you couldn't imagine.
I wake to the slamming of a door. I look at my phone, it displays four thirty-six. No texts from Ward. I start to get worried. I walk to the balcony door, stretch, and light a cigarette as I step outside on the terrace. It's not very big. The wind whips my hair around as I take a nervous drag. I lean over the railing and hear the rolling crashing of the waves in front of me. I look out into the pitch dark.
I see a light turn on to the right of me. Ward is in the room. I flick my butt over the edge and hasten my step out of the room. I turn the corner to the door, use my key, and push the blue door in.
I look into the room and see the sheets shuffle a little bit. I walk further in and see Ward. He's looking at me with wide red eyes. Emmy turns her head from on top of him and smiles at me with her eyes half open.
FIFTEEN
Our hearts are made of the thinnest shreds of glass you could imagine. Our souls are composed of the smallest grains of sand all strung together. All it takes is the touch of a finger to crush your heart, and a whisper to break your soul. I'm looking at the man that has punched my heart, and screamed through my soul. I'm staring at the broken pieces on the ground. I will them away, but they won't leave. Is this what a heart attack feels like? Is this what utter shame and humiliation feels like? Is this what it feels like to be deceived?
He practically throws the girl off of him to get to me, but I'm almost in the hallway when I hear the door slam behind me. My eyes don't break free until I hear his voice. It sets the reality of it, I guess.
"Hayden, wait!" He yells as I almost sprint toward the elevator.
"No, no, no," Is all I can say.
"Wait!" He reaches me and grabs my arm.
"WHAT?" I scream with tears in my eyes as I turn around to face him.
"I can explain," His eyes are blood shot red.
"You're fucking stoned, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?" I push his shoulders, sending him a few feet back.
"Y-yes," I start to walk away, but he grabs me again, "Just listen, please?"
"That is the second time that I've walked in on you with another person!" I scream with my teeth clenched so hard together, they are close to breaking.
The woman comes out of the room, in my pink shirt, and struts to us down the hallway, "You're going to still pay me, right?" She comes beside us.
"SHE'S A FUCKING HOOKER?" I scream at him in disgust.
His eyes close in shame, as the girl walks away saying, "Just wait until Rob and Rodney hear about this." She gets in the elevator.
"I can explain everything, please just listen," He says. He has tears welling up behind those red eyes.
"I am tired of listening. I'm tired of promises. I'm tired of you. I'm through, Ward. I can't help you anymore, I don't want to. I'M TIRED OF GETTING HU-"
The smack could be heard down the hallway. My hand shoots up to the stinging pain. He's forced my head to lay right. I look at him through my hair and say calmly, "Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me."
"I'm so- I'm, just. No. No. No. Hay-" He stands there. Can't even apologize. Pathetic. I bolt down the hallway to the stairs. I don't a
ctually see him punch the wall, but I hear it. It was loud enough to wake a few neighbors.
I hear him yell 'fuck' really loud. I don't care. I run out the back, where the plastic chairs are, and bolt for the beach. It's hard to run on soft sand. I hear the waves crashing in front of me. I collapse on the sand, and empty my stomach of the worst salad I've ever tasted. I move a few yards away from my vomit, and cry. I cry so hard, my stomach hurts. I sit in the sand with my knees to my chest. How could he do this to me? I don't understand any of this. Why couldn't he just stay with me, and nothing like this would have happened?
I want to go home. Not that home, my home. I want my parents. I want to hug my mother and smell her honeysuckle hair. I want to kiss my father and hear his deep booming voice. I want out. I don't ever want to feel this way again. I won't let him make me feel this way again. I don't ever want to see him again, but I know I have to.
I sit and watch the saddest sunrise I've ever seen in my life. I felt its rays stroke my left face, saying good morning. The wind blows the smoke from my cigarette to the right. It brushes my hair into a pile of knots. Some strands even get stuck on my damp face, but I don't care to brush them away.
I am hurt more than I am angry, but I am angry. He didn't even have the balls to say he was sorry. Screw his past. Screw his ego. I'm done with everything that has to do with Ward, or Avery, or whoever the fuck he is. I can't take the heartache. I realize now that my patience has ran out for him. I can tell he doesn't care for me enough to change his old ways.
I feel like I'm in mourning. I feel like a part of me has died that I haven't fully gotten to understand yet. I feel cheated. I feel like a fool. I'm already in grief over the loss of his touch. I'm anguished by the absence of his kiss. How could he do something like this? How could he be stupid enough to take her back to the hotel? Shouldn't he have known that I could have possibly have been in there? Should I have listened to him? No. He was stoned. He didn't know what he was doing. What am I thinking? No. I can't fall back, I just can't.
The orange red light swallows the black sky, as I feel someone behind me. I'm not sure who it is, and I don't have the courage to look. Janie sits cross-legged in beside me. She looks at me, as I steady stare into dawn.
"Want to talk about it?" She asks. I can't speak. I shake my head no. "Ward told me everything."
"Janie, you're my friend, right?" I ask, not moving anything.
"Of course, sweetheart," She puts her hand around my shoulders.
"Please tell me, Janie," I beg, "What is Ward involved in? I deserve to know."
She sighs heavily, "I don't think it's my business to tell you, but I'm going to anyways."
"Okay," I finally look at her with puffy, dry eyes.
"He's-" Her eyes look for some encouragement, "He's a drug dealer, Hayden. Like, hardcore. It's almost like he's in a gang. It's hard to get out of, Hay. Almost impossible. But he was trying, he was trying so hard. I don't mean to defend him when you're feeling like this, but it's true. I know that what he did was completely unacceptable, and possibly unforgivable. But I just want you to know, that he tried really hard for you baby."
I smile through my tears. She hugs me, and it all comes out in almost screams. "I saw him try, but was I not enough for him? Was I not his natural high that he could just stop whatever he's doing? I don't know how to put it in words, Janie. I really don't."
"I don't know, hun. I just know that he messed up real bad, and he has to face those consequences," She says while laying my head on her shoulder, stroking mine. I lay in her lap, and she strokes my hair as I cry. The waves are forming in front of me; crashing into the sand with an audible cry. Please Lord, tell me what to do.
I have Janie go into the room and get all of my stuff, and we leave in the town car at nine. Ward was trying to sober up before he left, apparently. I hope the empty seat next to him kills him. I hope he thinks of my broken heart every time he looks right. I pray he feels the sting of my kiss on his lips, because he'll never feel it again.
Jessica drives while Janie controls the radio in the passenger's seat. I decide to lay across the back seat, and lay my head on our bags. I barely got any sleep, and between what happened; I'm exhausted. The wind whipping through the windows acts like a lullaby that sends my head off in a nod.
Vivid dreams come. Ward's face is shining with a bright light source behind him. The rays from that light stretch around his full face, as he smiles. It starts to snow, and as the snow picks up; his face becomes more like a skeleton. His skin stretches along his cheek bones, and he's hollow. His vibrant blue eyes become grey and unfeeling. His eyes roll back into his head until we're both falling.
I jolt awake as Jessica slams on the breaks, sending me reeling into the floorboard. "Mother fucker!" Jessica yells as she honks and flicks off the guy that has just cut her off.
"Are you okay?" Janie laughs as she looks back.
"I'm fine," I give a halfhearted smile and climb back into the seat.
"That's what seatbelts are for," Jessica teases. I laugh and wrap the middle buckle around my waist. I look at the clock on the dashboard, and it displays nine forty-five. Shit. We've only been gone for forty-five minutes. I pull my phone out of my jeans and decide to look at it. Seven text messages.
Ward: Can you talk to me?
Ward: Plz dont ignore me
Ward: I swear i can explain everything baby please
Ward: ill leave you alone for ever if u let me explain
Ward: omg please
Ward: i changed. last night was a hiccup
Ward: SHE MADE ME DO IT IF I DIDNT SHE WAS GOING TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
I decide to text him back.
Me: would it not have been easier to tell me yourself?
Ward: i was really messed up
Me: and thats another thing, ward... you fucking used again.
Ward: Rodney was going to kill me if i backed down
Me: you should not have even gone in the first place then! you promised me everything was going to be okay. you lied.
Ward: i was trying to tell him i was out. i thought he'd leave me alone. i thought i would be out for good. it backfired.
Me: thank you for explaining. now you said youd leave me alone. please leave me alone.
I'm not sad, actually. I'm feeling quite satisfied with myself. I'm proud I didn't cave into him. It's probably because I wasn't near him. I think I'll be okay.
We arrive back at the house at eleven fifty-seven. Ward isn't here yet. I don't care. Do I? I have to work tomorrow night, which is Halloween. I'm not doing classes tomorrow. I'll catch up Tuesday.
Ms. Gar and Hannah have apparently left for the week to attend her sister's husband's funeral. We see the note when we walk in.
"Girls, and Ward,
Hope you guys had fun. Not too much fun, but fun! We will be out until about Thursday of next week. I send my deepest apologies. Mr. Bo will be your guardian until then. I have a surprise for all of you, I've given you back your doors. There are still no locks, of course. But I think you lovely ladies (and Ward) deserve a little bit more privacy.
Behave, Ms. Gar."
"That's cool," Janie says.
We walk up to the rooms with our bags on our shoulders. It feels so good to be here. I don't know how I'm going to live these next few days with the fresh scar of what happened, and the man who put it there just a few doors down. I he doesn’t stick his finger in the wound. I hope he'll be understanding of what I'm feeling, and just finally leave me alone.
I throw my stuff on the floor, and jump into bed. Janie shortly follows suit. She gets up, and looks at me while closing the door, "You have no idea how good it feels to close a bedroom door after not having one for three and a half years!" She almost screams.
"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to sleep!" Jessica yells loudly while slamming her door down the hall. We all share a laugh and settle into bed.
"I promise I'll try to do everything in my power to help you in this process," Janie s
ays on her stomach, looking at me on my back.
"Promises don't mean shit anymore, Janie," I say with a small smile.
"Leave that part out then," She smiles as she closes her eyes.
The next afternoon, I decide to go in early. Partially to avoid Ward who has made his presence known by slamming a few doors around. Having him so close to me, but so far away hurts in the worse way possible.
Walk out of the shower room; Ward.
Walk into the kitchen; Ward.
Walk to the kitchen porch; Ward. I just can't escape.
The walk to work was refreshing. It's what I needed; to be by myself for about five minutes. I can feel him watching me, though. I don't care. Let him watch. I walk towards the diner; and can see the construction cones and workers everywhere. I guess they really are going to pave this old dirt road. Mrs. Jacobs couldn't be any happier that they are, and that I'm here early. She wanted to leave to be with her babies as they are going trick-or-treating tonight. I've closed before, so it's no big deal.
Around one in the afternoon, the construction workers decide to come in and have some lunch. It was only me and Chris in the back. We were slammed. Janie had to come in to help.
Three guys sit at a table near the door. They were all wearing bright orange vests, and their orange hard hats were laid by their sides. I wait walk up to the table with a huge smile on my face, as usual. The two that are sitting beside each other are much older, and have speckles of grey running through their hair. The one sitting by himself in the seat closest to the door looked more my age, if not a little older. He's pretty handsome. He has brown short hair, strong facial features, and is built pretty well. His teeth are whiter than his eyes.
"Why, hi there pretty lady," He says with a strong southern accent.
"Hi there, I'm Hayden. I'll be waiting on you guys today," I say. I hope I don't sound as nervous as I really am.
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 13
