If I Say No (Say Something #2)

by Brandy Jellum

But how can I do that without hurting Liza?

  I hear footsteps and look up to meet Marco’s gaze.

  “You have to tell her, Reid.” He looks me in the eye. “You’re going to lose her if you don’t.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.” My tone is harsher than I intended it to be. “I’m the one who could lose everything.”

  “The worst thing that could happen is that Liza leaves you, which is going to happen anyway if you do nothing.” He’s always the sensible one. “You can’t expect her to give you her all and give only her a little of you in return. She’s been through too much already. She deserves to know the truth.”

  “It’s not an easy truth to tell, Marco.”

  “You were young; you made a mistake. Isn’t that what you’re always preaching to her? You’d end up a hypocrite if you didn’t feel the same about yourself.” I say nothing. “Or, you can just let her stay gone. That’s easier, right? Safer for her, too.”

  Bastard.

  “Better, though?” he asks pointedly. “I think we both know the answer to that.”

  I know he is right. Liza leaving me tonight is only the beginning. The longer I keep her in the dark, the worse it’s going to get. Liza knows about the women in my past and how little they meant. But if she knew my true darkness—if she knew how much like my brother I once was—she’d walk away without looking back.

  No. She’d probably run.

  “Your choice,” Marco says before he heads back to his room. “I wouldn’t wait too long if I were you.”

  The house is quiet and if I stand really still, I can smell Liza’s lavender scent filling the air. I head into the kitchen and grab a beer out of the refrigerator. I sit at the breakfast bar and take a sip. I sit in the silence and think about how my world has been flipped upside- down yet again with all of this.

  I will give Liza her space…for now. But Marco’s right.

  I have to tell her.

  I can’t do it now, though.

  I head upstairs to my office. I might as well get some work done while I figure it all out. I pull my laptop out, log into my email, and begin to sift through it. An hour passes. Any hope I have of her returning tonight is gone.

  The sky is dark, and I can hear the rain pounding against the roof. I hate that she drove off in the rain, especially if she was angry. There was nothing I could’ve done to stop her.

  You could’ve told her the truth…

  I shake the thought from my head. It should be simple to tell the one you love your darkest secrets…shouldn’t it? Even if there’s a chance they won’t understand?

  So why can’t I just tell her about the monsters that stalk me at night?

  Why can’t I tell her about the sleepless nights I stay up admiring her because I’m too afraid to close my eyes?

  My phone vibrates on the desk next to me and I jump. Maybe it’s Liza…maybe she’s coming home. I answer it without looking at the incoming number. “Liza?”

  “What the hell did you do to her, you asshole?” Eli yells through the phone.

  Had I known it was him, I wouldn’t have answered.

  “Calm down, Eli.”

  “She showed up at my house crying hysterically. She drove through the rain as upset as she was, just to get away from you. I want to know what the fuck you did so wrong to make her come crying to me.”

  I have no intention of discussing this with him.

  “There are things going on right now you wouldn’t understand.” We’d decided the fewer people who knew about my brother, the less likelihood there would be of them being hurt. Liza insisted on not telling Eli, but for once I can’t say I agree with her decision. If Eli knew what was going on, he’d know she isn’t safe. He’d be one more person to keep an eye on her.

  “I think I understand perfectly…Liza said something about some woman named Lily.” My throat dries and my breathing hitches.

  “It’s not what it sounds like, Eli.”

  “Really?” He shouldn’t be in the middle of this.

  “Look,” I tell him, “as much as it kills me to say this, keep her there tonight. Keep an eye on her for me. I’ll fill you both in on everything in the morning.”

  “Damn straight you will,” he says. Then he hangs up.

  My stomach is tied in knots. Just thinking about Liza staying the night with him makes me cringe. I don’t trust him. It’s going to be a long night. I’ll be counting the minutes until Liza is home—back in my arms, back where she belongs.

  I toss and turn on the bed all night. Every time I close my eyes, I relive the fire all over again. I can hear Lily’s voice in the background, screaming and asking why I didn’t save her. Doesn’t she know it was too late? I would’ve saved her and Ollie if I could have.

  I should have listened to my gut.

  And I remember feeling off that night, that something wasn’t right, and decided to drive out to my brother’s house.

  Something kept gnawing at the back of my head, telling me they needed me. So I hopped into the car and drove out to their house on the outskirts of town. The house wasn’t big or grand or anything special. In fact, it was a bit run down, but Lily tried her best to make a home out of it. She had a garden out in the back, where she, Ollie, and I spent a ton of time playing. Having picnics and chasing Ollie through the flowers as he learned to crawl. It was the little things I enjoyed doing with her that made me feel whole. Something I never felt again until Liza came into my life.

  Here I am, screwing up another good thing. I have to fix this. I need to know the identity of the woman and child in the photo. I need to figure out what my brother’s angle is, what game he’s playing, and I need to be one step ahead of him.

  There’s not a chance I’ll be sleeping now. I head downstairs toward Marco’s room, not caring if he’s awake. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sleep. I don’t bother knocking I just let myself into his room.

  Marco is pacing back and forth in front of the white board. He stops, looks at me, says nothing, and resumes staring at the wall of photos. I glance over at the monitors on the table and see each is running a different program. The first one is scanning through different databases, searching for my brother’s whereabouts. Another one is running the faces of his known associates.

  The most intriguing is the facial recognition program running on the middle screen. Marco has scanned in a photo of the brown-haired woman; the system is comparing it to an old photo of Lily. It’s eighty percent complete. In a moment we should know who exactly she is.

  I turn back to the board and try to figure out what has Marco’s undivided attention. His breathing is even. His shoulders square with his feet and his hands clasp behind his back. Even after being out of the service for nearly a decade, it’s hard to break the habit.

  “She hasn’t come back?” I shake my head and say nothing. “Has she called?” I shake my head again. He sighs.

  “What are we looking for?”

  “I’m trying to figure out why Rhett would send you those pictures… why he’d have someone deliver them to the house instead of to your office. He wanted Liza to see them…which means he knows you haven’t told her the truth.” Marco stares at me intently.

  I see Rhett’s game. The more tension there is between Liza and me, the further she’ll pull away, and the easier it will be for him to get closer to her.

  “And if it turns out this really is Lily, and she outsmarted him and got away? He’ll want to crush her…he’ll want to pull you down at the same time.”

  The computer chimes, and we both tense. “It’s time to face the music,” he says stoically.

  Marco walks over to the computer and my feet stay planted right where they are. I can’t move. I don’t want to move.

  “Reid…come see this.”

  I walk toward the computer desk. I hold my breath and try to stop my heart from pounding its way out of my chest. The breath I release comes out shaky as I focus on the screen. The images of Lily and the woman in the pho
tograph match, one hundred percent.

  “Holy shit,” I whisper. ”They really are still alive.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  LIZA AND ELI ARE ON THEIR WAY back to the house. Eli tried to convince her to stay, but she insisted she needed to come home. She explained that she hid things from me, too, and for a long time. She knows I’ll talk to her when I’m ready. It’s more than I expected from her so soon.

  She’s coming home and that’s all that matters.

  I feel like shit for putting her through any of this. It isn’t fair of me. I know how to fix it. I’m just too stubborn, too fearful, to do it. To give what Liza wants, to give her what she needs.

  The truth.

  I can’t even let myself be elated that Lily and Ollie are alive. I feel like this will betraying Liza, even if she doesn’t know the truth.

  And Lily is a whole new complication. Do I track her down? Do I let her know Rhett is gunning for her? Do I question why she never contacted me and let me know she is still alive? Do I even want to know?

  Most importantly, if it wasn’t her and Ollie recovered from the fire, who was it?

  Lily is alive, and yet it doesn’t make a difference. I’m marrying Liza. I will always love Lily, but I love Liza more. Telling Liza about Lily could ruin everything for us. My excitement at her coming home is slowly turning into dismay. What if she asks me questions? I can’t give her the answers she is looking for…not unless I tell her everything.

  My brother hasn’t even shown himself yet and he’s already making a mess of my life.

  I hear a car pull into the driveway. My stomach feels like it could crawl into my throat any second. I close my eyes and try to focus. Slow the pounding in my ears. My eyes flash to the liquor cabinet. I know I need a clear head for this, though.

  The front door slams. I listen to the sounds of footsteps against the marble floor in the foyer. I stand up and make my way to the fireplace, flames crackling wildly out of the hearth. The heat radiates against my skin as I hold my hand out.

  I brace myself as they enter the living room.

  The room fills with her scent. My skin prickles whenever she’s near. I take another deep breath before I turn to face them.

  I can’t believe what I see. Liza’s hand grips Eli’s as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She leans into his side as if he is the only reason she is standing on two feet right now. My heart aches for her. I should be the one who supports her, not the one she needs support from. I gaze into her bloodshot eyes. She looks haunted.

  “I’m sorry,” I offer. I take a step to her and she takes a step back. The one person who promised to be honest, to never hurt her, has made her become distrustful. I’m hurting her and it’s only the beginning.

  I want to take her into my arms and beg for her forgiveness that I don’t deserve. “Sit down…please,” I tell them. I drop onto the couch and watch as they sit opposite me.

  “So…” Eli says. “Who wants to clue me in on all this?”

  I look to Liza, staring back at me with those green eyes. I don’t know if Liza has given Eli any clue as to what I’m about to share with him. She has no clue herself.

  “I guess I should go back to when it all started.”

  “That would be a good idea,” Eli says.

  I hope he doesn’t keep doing that—interjecting while I speak.

  “About six months ago, my older brother, Rhett, left a voice mail. He’s involved with some very disturbing things. He’s a very twisted and dangerous man. His message warned me that he was coming after me and that I needed to keep a close eye on Liza. We didn’t know what that meant.”

  “We?” Eli asked.

  “Marco and I…he works for me, surveillance on my brother. We haven’t been able to find him and he hasn’t given us any clues to where he may be or contacted us since then—until yesterday. He sent me some photos of people from my past…people who died, though it appears that they never really did.”

  “Stop speaking in code,” Liza says angrily.

  I sigh. “His wife and son died in a house fire he set eight years ago. It appears that they’re alive, and now he’s coming for them and for me.” And her, I think, looking at Liza. I can’t bring myself to say it.

  “Why?” Eli asks. “Why would he come after any of you?”

  I take a moment and weigh my response. I can only say so much without giving it all away. “He blames me for their death. He wants me to feel the pain he claims to have felt when he lost them.”

  “They’re still alive, though,” Eli reasons. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “He blames me for their death. And if they are alive, then he’s pissed because she’s hiding from him…and because he failed in his attempt to kill them. I have no doubt he feels like we’ve all made a fool of him.”

  Eli’s gaze falls cold. “And how does Liza fit into all of this?”

  I force myself to look at her as I explain it. “He wants me to suffer, just like he did.”

  “Oh my God…” he says.

  I see her eyes become glossy. I ache to hold her now, to smell her scent, to feel the beating of her heart against my chest. To protect her.

  “Why the hell am I just learning about this now?” he hollers. And there goes his cool. “Six months….it’s been six fucking months, and you guys are just now telling me about this. I expect this kind of shit from you, Reid.” He pulls away from Liza and stands up. “But you, Liza? I thought you would of fucking said something to me, regardless of what this asshole told you to do.”

  “Hey,” I tell him. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

  Her face reddens and she looks ready to tear him limb from limb. “First of all,” she says, clearing her throat, “Reid wanted to tell you from the very beginning, but I begged him not to. I didn’t want you involved. The less involved you are, the better chance you’d be okay. I couldn’t put you at risk for something that isn’t your problem.”

  “My problem?” He scoffs. “Anything that involves you is my problem, Liza. And if I want to be involved, then goddamn it, that’s my decision to make. Not yours.” He takes a moment, his eyes glancing between us. “You wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for him. You put yourself at risk every day you stay with him. Don’t you realize that?”

  “I love him.” She says it quietly and firmly.

  I know I should cut in and say something, but I feel like she’s establishing our roles here. This is something she has to do, not me.

  “You love him? Last night you were telling me how much you hate him.”

  My heart slightly breaks at Eli’s words. Liza avoids my gaze.

  “You said couldn’t marry someone you couldn’t trust fully. That’s what you were coming to tell him now.”

  It’s exactly what I feared, happening before my eyes.

  Liza glares a murderous look at Eli. It’s clear she didn’t intend for him to repeat her words, but it doesn’t matter. I know the truth now. I’ve lost Liza before I even had a chance to fix everything. And now, Eli has shared her feelings about me with me after she’d discussed them with him in confidence. The two men she trusts most have betrayed her in a twenty-four hour period.

  I can’t find words.

  “You need to leave.” Liza crosses her arms over her chest. “Right now.”

  Eli looks to me and back at Liza, but he makes no move to go.

  “I mean it, Elias. Leave. Now!”

  Eli looks at me hard. His chest rises and falls rapidly as he contemplates what to do. I can tell he wants to rip my head off.

  I just stare at Liza. I honestly don’t know what I can say or do to make this better. She’s made her decision. All that’s left is for her to tell me. I’m not ready to face the finality of it. I will never be ready. I have focused so much time and energy making sure I don’t screw up again and that I don’t lose Liza. I pushed her away regardless.

  This is my fault.

  Eli is suddenly gone. I hear the do
or slam behind him. I close my eyes. I can’t face Liza. I don’t want to hear what she has to tell me. I hear her drop down on the couch and let out a loud sigh. She clears her throat, and I look at her again. I think this may be the last time I will get lost in her eyes. The last time I will get to really look into them. I remember the way it feels to wake up in the morning and find her staring at me with those eyes. I remember how they light up when she laughs.

  “Is Eli right?” I ask, not wanting to know the answer. “Do you really hate me?”

  “I…uh...”

  I fight the urge to sit by her on the couch. “Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me we’re stronger than this.”

  These seconds of silence are the most excruciating of my life. “He had no right to say anything,” she says finally. “It wasn’t his place to say anything.”

  “It’s true, then?” She doesn’t deny it. “Why?” I say loudly. “Why are you so ready to walk away just like that, like what we have isn’t worth saving somehow?” I’m shouting. I know my anger isn’t justified, but it’s the only way I can deal with the pain.

  She’s just as angry as I am. “Do you think we should be planning a wedding when we still have so many secrets? Does a relationship like that sound like something worth saving?”

  “I’ve given you all the time and space you’ve needed. Why can’t you do the same for me?”

  “Because now I know how it feels.” She stands up, her eyes burning with anger. “It sucks. It hurts. I hate feeling like you don’t trust me. I understand what you’ve been going through this whole time, and I’m sorry to have put you through the heartache and the pain. If I would’ve known it felt like this, I wouldn’t have wasted your time. But I can’t live like this. I can’t do what you have done for me. I can’t give you the time you need. I just can’t. I hate feeling this and I just want it to end now. I love you, Reid, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. But that isn’t enough now.”

  It always was before.

  I stand up and look into her eyes. “So that’s it then? The wedding is off?”

  Liza hesitates, but nods.

  The heat is rolling off my body and I just want to punch something. How could she do this to me? To us? I have shown her nothing but love and compassion. I’ve given her all the time she has needed. I’ve never intruded. Never expected more than what she’s had to give. But it still isn’t enough. She can’t return the things I’ve given her. I don’t know what to think or say. The irrational side of me can’t help but wonder what kind of double-standard bullshit this is. The rational side of me understands entirely.