To the Limit

by Jo Leigh

  After they’d finished eating, Sam pulled her around until she was leaning against his chest, his arms around her middle. She loved resting against him, reveling in the strength of him, and their closeness. But she couldn’t deny that her thoughts about their future weren’t nearly as rosy as they’d been.

  She wanted him whole and safe and home. And she wanted him happy. There was so much she wanted to do with Sam. Marriage, kids, all of it. The whole foolish dream, complete with a swing set in the backyard and soccer games and anniversary parties and growing old together.

  But she’d seen his whole countenance change when he talked about being a pilot. She heard the thrill in his voice even when he was trying not to get overexcited. She understood that, she did. Danny had been like that. John, too. And although Sam might have the best of intentions, he was the man Gary had warned her about.

  The question was, could Sam put her first, even when he was an active duty fighter pilot? And would she be able to stand it if he couldn’t?

  She would have to. Because she’d reached the point of no return.

  He kissed her temple. “You okay?”

  “I’m...good,” she said, listening to Sharon belt out a song from Les Miz. “Glad that you’re with me.”

  “Me, too, honey,” he said, squeezing her tight.

  She squeezed him right back, wishing she was strong enough to hold him like this and never let him go.

  16

  “SORRY I’M SO BREATHLESS,” Sam said, adjusting his seat belt one-handed while he held his cell in the other. “I made this flight by the skin of my teeth. The gate was practically in another state, so I had to run the whole way. Am I interrupting?”

  “Are you kidding?” Emma said, her voice a balm that never failed to soothe. “Tell me what they said. Are you okay? Will you have to go back?”

  He smiled. Despite the fact that he’d assured her everything was fine and that he was in no danger, he got that her concern was genuine. “I’m better than fine. The surgeon and the ophthalmologist were really pleased. They ran every test. I can’t imagine I won’t pass the base check. I’ll still need to wear a contact in the one eye, but it’s a minor correction. I’m like 20/30 without, so it looks like a go on all engines.”

  “Wow,” she said, but her voice was low. Hushed. “That’s good. That’s great. So, you go to the eye doctor here, and then you put in for a transfer to a cockpit job, right?”

  “Yep. Of course nothing will happen this training cycle, and the way things move, it’ll probably be longer than that, but I know Colonel Stevens is going to push for me, so—”

  “I thought he wanted you to stay as an instructor.”

  “Yeah, he’d like me to, but I think he understands that I want to get a jet. Maybe we’ll work a deal that when this tour is up, I’ll come back to the RPA program.”

  “You’ve talked about that?”

  “Not yet. Not in so many words, and I won’t until I have the clearance to fly. I didn’t want to jump the gun.”

  “Sure,” she said, but she sounded off.

  He’d figured his clean bill of health would have made her happy. “Is everything okay?”

  She didn’t answer for a minute, and he strained, listening for background noise, but sitting on a runway waiting for takeoff wasn’t exactly quiet. “You know what? My next meeting’s gonna start in a minute.”

  “Right, this was your department review, right?”

  “Yep, and after that is the all-faculty meeting, so I’m probably going to be stuck here until after you get home. It’ll be dark when you land. Will you be able to drive okay?”

  “Oh, yeah. My eyes aren’t even dilated.”

  “All right. You have to promise to call me as soon as you land. Leave a message if I can’t pick up.”

  “I will. After you’re free maybe we could meet for dinner? I’ll take you someplace fancy to celebrate.”

  “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. Promise you won’t forget to call.”

  “Promise,”

  “Good. Be safe.”

  “Emma?” he said, but she’d already gone. Had he heard a tremble in her voice? What the hell? Was she still worried after all his assurances? No, she knew his eye was fine.

  Ever since the party, things between them had been... Not bad. Just different. It wasn’t as if he expected her to be happy all the time, but he’d caught her looking at him, like this morning when he’d been rushing to get to the base for his plane. She’d seemed sad, worried. And he had been in such a rush, he hadn’t asked her. Maybe there was something at her work that wasn’t going well. Like Gary giving her more crap. She hadn’t mentioned her conversation with him at the party, and Sam hadn’t asked about that, either. He didn’t expect her to tell him every little thing in her life. She had a right to privacy.

  But that didn’t alter the fact that he’d been so caught up in getting his vision repaired he’d been a pretty lousy boyfriend.

  That sounded weird. Boyfriend wasn’t even close to the relationship he and Emma had. Significant other made him want to hit something, and partner was just as awful. It was probably too soon, but he wanted to move to the next step, although he wasn’t a hundred percent sure if that was what Emma wanted.

  His thoughts lost out to the ruckus happening across the row in front of Sam.

  The flight attendant was trying to calm down an older lady who was on her cell. They couldn’t take off or even lock down the plane until the woman turned off her phone. It was instantly obvious that the woman was panicking. Even from Sam’s seat, he could see her shaking.

  “Please, if I can just talk to my husband during takeoff, I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m so sorry, ma’am, but we can’t allow a telephone to be live on takeoff. It can interfere with the electronics of the plane.”

  “Oh, God. Tom, they won’t let me talk to you.”

  “You’ll have to turn off the cell now, ma’am. I’m sorry, but we’re holding up other flights. Do you understand?”

  The woman nodded, but still didn’t obey. “I love you,” she said, turning her head away from the attendant. “I love you and the kids. Don’t ever doubt that. If I don’t see you again, I’ve left everything in the wall safe. Except for the banking details, and those are in the desk.”

  “Ma’am, you’re going to be fine. It’s more dangerous getting to the airport than it is to fly. I have to insist you turn off the phone now, or I’ll be forced to get security involved.”

  Sam shook his head, sorry for the crew member but sorrier for the woman. He understood that fear of flying was a common phobia. It was so far off his radar that he had a tendency to dismiss it as foolish. But the woman couldn’t help it. She was still visibly shaking. The young lady sitting next to her was trying to offer comfort, but it didn’t appear to be working.

  Maybe the frightened woman had lost someone in a crash. That would explain a— He stopped. Breathing, moving. How had he not seen it? God, he was an idiot. Emma had lost Danny in a freak accident. She wasn’t just worried about Sam’s eye; she was worried he wouldn’t make it home. Like Danny hadn’t.

  She’d probably gotten up that morning thinking everything was fine. Maybe she’d spoken to Danny before work, made plans for his car to be transported to Alamo, or talked about the weather, or just nothing. It was a day like any other. Until someone from the chaplain’s office had shown up at her door.

  Jesus.

  Was that what Gary had meant at the party about Emma not being thrilled Sam could get his wings back? Did Gary know her better than Sam?

  He’d planned on doing some reading on the flight back, but he left his book in his stowed bag. He needed to show her the test results. Nothing he could say would ease Emma’s mind, not without proof. He’d figured that would take care of everything once and for
all. But shit, had he missed the mark.

  He remembered hearing about Danny’s accident. The first thing Sam did after gaining his senses was to call Emma. She’d been in shock. He’d told her he’d take leave, that he could be with her in a couple of hours, and she’d turned him down flat.

  How many times had he wanted to call her during that first year? But after the funeral, she’d made it really clear that seeing him and John was too difficult. It hadn’t mattered that they’d only wanted to comfort her, to share in that grieving and whatever healing was possible. She’d said she needed space, and he’d honored her wishes.

  It had been terrible. The hardest year he’d ever had. He’d never lost anyone before, not anyone close. His grandfather had died, but Sam hadn’t known him well. His grandmother had died before he’d been born. It had always been his mom and him. Then he’d met John and Danny, and he’d had brothers.

  Emma wasn’t particularly close to her family. There was a sister, but they only seemed to speak or see each other on occasions, and she had only mentioned her folks once or twice, but with no real affection.

  It didn’t matter that she and Danny had been headed for a breakup. Sam knew for sure that they loved each other. Not being able to make it wasn’t the same as falling out of love. Danny hadn’t been careful enough with Emma. He’d taken her for granted, and now, so had Sam.

  He should have taken more care. Made sure to check in with her every step of the way, even if it was just voice mails or texts while she was in class. He would call the minute they parked at the gate. Let her know she could breathe again. Then he’d take her out and make sure she knew how amazing she was. Show her that he was someone she could count on.

  * * *

  EMMA PARKED HER CAR on the street, even though Sam had told her to use his garage. She’d never taken him up on it because her car was functional, bought for practicality, and if something happened to it she would be more inconvenienced than upset.

  The Mustang, however, was a prized possession, a machine that was loved and cared for. That represented the part of Sam that loved danger and speed and excitement. Emma needed the reminder.

  She got the champagne out of the car, thankful the base kept good bubbly in the refrigerator case all the time. Tonight she and Sam were going to celebrate. Well, Sam would celebrate, and she would do her best to be happy for him.

  He’d been a sweetie when he’d called to let her know he was disembarking and that it would still be a while until he made it home. She’d relaxed immediately...up to a point.

  The faculty meeting had been the shortest one she could ever remember. She’d sat between Gary and Sharon, and they must have picked up on her mood because they hadn’t done their usual kidding around. In fact, she’d clearly had her shields up because the three of them had barely talked.

  Emma was almost sorry she hadn’t confided in Sharon. Gary, though... What he’d said at the party had been on her mind ever since. Resenting him wasn’t fair. He wasn’t to blame for the situation. No one was. She hadn’t expected Sam. And she certainly hadn’t planned on falling in love with him. Would she be in this situation if he’d come to Holloman as a pilot? She didn’t think so.

  Although it embarrassed her to admit it, she’d hoped that Sam wouldn’t qualify to fly. Yes, she loved him. Very much. But was love going to be enough?

  It wasn’t that she assumed he would be like Danny—leaving her so he could go off and party with his friends. Although she couldn’t prove it, she was reasonably certain Danny had cheated on her. But that wasn’t the part she was worried about with Sam.

  The car. The bike. His determination to be in a cockpit again. All of those things were part of his makeup. There was a reason he’d hung out with John and Danny, and not just because they’d been roommates at the Air Force Academy. They were like brothers, and they lived for the rush, and that was at the heart of her dilemma.

  Could she bear worrying every time he climbed into the cockpit?

  On the other hand, could she bear to let Sam go?

  He’d made her so happy these past weeks. Happier than she’d ever imagined she could be. There was so much to love about Sam. He was solid. A man who might leave the screwdriver out, but he took his job seriously, was thoughtful of her on a daily basis. He’d gone out of his way to be there when she needed him. Even more spectacularly, when she’d wanted him.

  Just the week before last, she’d gone to help Sharon paint scenery at the auditorium. Sam had offered to come, but then he’d gotten a call to join a group of active fighter pilots for a round of golf. It was an important invitation. Sam had bonded with his fellow pilots everywhere he’d been stationed, but things were different as a teacher. The golf game had been his ticket to the inner circle, and he’d declined.

  At first she’d thought it was because he hadn’t wanted to be associated with the Reaper pilots, but he’d come right out and told her he’d rather spend the day hanging out with her.

  She put the champagne in the fridge then made a reservation for two at Stella Vita.

  When she hung up, all she could think was that life wasn’t fair. That wasn’t news, of course, and it was a childish thought, but come on, what kind of a cruel trick was it to send this incredible man into her life in the most perfect situation imaginable, only to pull the rug out from under her after she’d lost her heart?

  Why couldn’t this surgery have come later, after he’d taught for a couple of years? Sam would have missed the cockpit, yes, but once he’d seen the spread of effects from his teaching, he wouldn’t be able to deny the importance of his influence. She’d been thrilled with Max’s little speech at the barbecue, and she’d hoped it had started Sam thinking about his invaluable contribution.

  Unless he could arrive at the conclusion on his own, there was no way she could convince him that being an instructor was more important than flying. He’d wanted to be a fighter pilot since he was a kid. That didn’t just vanish because he had other talents.

  So he would be a flyer again. Which meant transfers every few years. He’d be sent into combat situations and she’d be left behind. Waiting. Panicking. Shattering piece by piece under the weight of fear that the chaplain would show up at her door again. She wasn’t sure she had it in her.

  When she finally heard the garage door open, she focused on the moment, on the fact that he was healthy and whole and that this was a triumphant moment for him. He had no idea, she was certain, what the prospect of his taking to the air again was doing to her. And she wasn’t going to tell him. Not tonight. Tonight was for champagne.

  She met him at the door and just like the first time she’d seen him at Stella Vita, her body reacted—a wonderful electric shock, if there could be such a thing. For a moment she just stared at him, forgetting to breathe, thinking of nothing except he’s here, thank God. She was drawn to him with the power of the tides, and as soon as she was in his arms nothing else mattered.

  He smiled into her hair, surrounded her with his scent and a quiet hum of pleasure. Time seemed to stretch and the rest of the world backed off.

  Two minutes later, maybe three, he pulled back, looked at her, kissed her. Not the hungry kind, the prelude to getting naked as quickly as possible, but a slow melting together. As tenderly as if she might break.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said when they parted.

  “Me, too. You’re all I thought about on the way home. I’d have hitchhiked if I’d had to.”

  “I’m glad it wasn’t necessary. But you must be tired. All that travel in one day.”

  “I’m fine now.” He squeezed her shoulders before he let her go and picked up the satchel he’d brought with him. “I’ve got all the papers in here. The notes from the doctors, everything. Both of my eyes are healthy and there’s no reason to think there will be any complications.”

  “Thanks,�
� she said. “I believe you.”

  “Still.” He pulled out a file folder, and she took it. Most of the papers meant nothing to her. Numbers that had no context. But she’d skim the notes later.

  “So there’s nothing standing in your way now,” she said. “You can go back to flying anytime.”

  “I may have, in my enthusiasm, slightly exaggerated the ease with which I’d get back in the cockpit. The eye doctors here have to give me their blessings, and that’s not a lock no matter what the surgeons say. My peripheral vision is critical, and there are tests they perform that the surgeons don’t.”

  “But you were so sure you’d pass.” She had to stay calm. Not sound hopeful at his expense.

  “Anticipation will do that to a guy. But now that the whirlwind is over, I’ll still have to put in a request to transfer, and there has to be an opening for me to fill, which may not happen for a while. You know the drill.”

  The way Sam studied her, and his new banked enthusiasm, it all confused her. “Is there something else wrong?”

  “No. No, I just don’t want us to put all our eggs in that one basket. I may be able to fly again, but then again, I’ll pretty much go where the brass tells me to go. For now, that’s the classroom.”

  He was right. In fact, he was saying the same things she’d been trying to believe. That the future wasn’t written, that anything could happen.

  But that anything included him in a cockpit. Her worrying every day whether he was going to come home or not. Equally troubling was how he would change once he was living a fighter pilot’s life. The camaraderie, the contagion of the need for thrills that she’d seen take on more and more of Danny’s attention.

  It was important to remember Sam wasn’t her late husband, but perhaps more important for her to be realistic.

  “What’s that frown about?” he asked.

  “Frown? I wasn’t... I got champagne.” She turned to the kitchen. “And I made reservations for dinner.”