Jesika: Aww are you worried about me baby? I’m fine. So don’t be freakin out about me all day. They should be back in about an hour. I love you! Try to have a good day at work. I’ll see you soon.
Me: I love you too Jes. More than you’ll ever know.
“What’s got you in a funk man?” Nick strolls out from the break area. Letting out a heavy sigh, I push myself up from the chair I was sitting in.
“It’s nothing. Well, it is something. Ahh. It’s just that this whole pregnancy has been crazy. I’m just kind of freaking out whenever I’m away from her and can’t watch her.”
The fact she wasn’t supposed to even be able to get pregnant and then the doctors telling her the whole time how dangerous it is to keep going on with it, keeps me on high alert at all times. At the beginning when we found everything out, I didn’t even want her going through with it. She wasn’t having any of that talk though, so I avoided the topic because stressing her out would only make the situation worse. My thoughts from the get go have been that I choose my soon to be wife over a baby. Granted it is our child, the only child to be mine by blood, but that still didn’t waiver my choice. If having this baby meant losing Jesika, to me there was no comparison. But here we are eight months into it. No going back now. Doctors actually say things are looking pretty good and if she happened to go into pre-term labor the baby would be fine. Knowing that we are on the home stretch puts a slight calming effect on me this last week. But damn if knowing that right now she’s by herself doesn’t have me walking on eggshells.
Nick clamps his hand down on my shoulder. “That woman of yours is tough as nails. She’s been through a hell of a lot in a short time. She’ll get through this just fine.” Since Nick was with me the night of Jesika’s accident that claimed her then husbands life; he knows all about the inner strength she has to possess by making it through such a horrible accident and losing the man she loved. I know how strong she is, but damn if that does anything to calm my nerves.
Getting all kinds of antsy I decide to text Seth. This puts me at ease when he lets me know there is only seven minutes left in the game and they’ll be heading back. There, that chills me out some. Knowing she won’t be alone until I get home will make this day more bearable. It’s unusually quiet around today. Calls are slow. Which I’m very thankful for because this is the time of year that wildfires are scorching everything. But thanking God for the rainy weather the last few days, we don’t have to worry about any wildfires. We go ahead and all load up in the fire truck, just in case we get a call when were gone, and drive to the local pizza restaurant for lunch. A late lunch. Nothing about being a fire fighter is on schedule. Well, besides when you are supposed to show up. That’s even up for last minute changes if you’re called in on emergency. So needless to say being a firefighter is very interesting at times. Definitely full of spontaneous adrenaline rushes. Besides being able to save lives and homes, that’s one of the best parts; the rush.
Momentarily, I’m able to clear my mind of all worry as all of us guys joke around. It’s like I’m back in college with my old team mates. Those were some of the best times of my life. Playing baseball was a dream of mine. Almost more than playing drums. I used to be pissed I gave up that dream, gave it up for Vicky. But like I’ve always said, some things happen in our lives to get us to where we are supposed to be. And I will always truly believe that for me, that was to Jesika. Timing is everything they say.
As we are about to turn into the parking lot we get a call. We all curse out loud in unison because this is typically how it goes. We finally decide to go eat and the calls we haven’t been getting all day instantly start flooding in. I just want this day to be over. I’m ready to be home with my beautiful soon-to-be-wife and our kids.
What I expected to see as we pulled up to the address was an ambulance, which hadn’t arrived yet. What I didn’t expect to see was Seth’s jeep parked behind Jesika’s car in the driveway.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
This is Mallory’s house. I didn’t even pay attention to the fucking address. Not like I would have had a clue it was hers just by hearing it. The truck isn’t even to a full stop when I barrel out. I don’t give a shit. The only thing my brain is telling me to do is run. It’s not even twenty feet to the front door, but I feel like I can’t get there fast enough. Almost as if I’m running in slow motion. All my worst fears are being acted out in this very moment. The possibility that it could be anything or anyone except for Jesika doesn’t cross my mind. Maybe it’s because deep down I know it’s her. I’ve known it all day. That’s why I’ve been spaz boy at work.
The door is already open as I approach the porch and Seth comes rushing out to me. He instantly tries getting me to stop and focus on him by putting his hands on my shoulders.
“Derek. Derek stop!” He yells. “Listen to me. I tried calling you, but obviously it didn’t go through.” I don’t care to hear what he has to say. I need to make sure Jesika is okay.
“Seth move dammit. I don’t fucking care. Where is she?” I break away from him and start running again before he can keep me back. The living room is empty, but I hear Mallory’s voice and she’s crying.
No. No. No. This can’t be happening.
I round the corner to the hall and instantly fall to my knees to Jesika’s side where Mallory has her head in her lap. There’s blood everywhere. I can’t even tell where it’s coming from. Mallory keeps telling me she’s sorry and I can’t even focus on listening to anything else she’s trying to say. I’m able to push aside enough of my emotional stress to make sure she has a pulse. Thank God she does, but it‘s faint.
“Jesika. Baby. I’m here baby. Wake up Jesika…please wake up baby.” Someone jerks me away from her side and I waste no time pushing them into the wall.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” I yell at Nick.
“Derek, they can’t help her if you don’t let them. Just because you saved her once don’t mean you can this time. You have to give them space man. You know that.” Yeah, I know that, but right now it’s really fucking hard for me to care about what I’m supposed to do. What if they can’t help her? What if this is it?
“Where’s Jaxon and Emma?” Looking around making sure they aren’t witnessing this horrific scene.
Seth is now by my side. “I took them over to the neighbor’s house before you showed up.” I give him a nod of acknowledgement as I return my full attention to the paramedics who are now loading Jesika up on a gurney.
“Hey, be careful with her. She’s eight months pregnant. She’s been having the risk of complications through this whole pregnancy.” They place the oxygen mask on her face and ask me to ride with them in the ambulance, like they had a choice. The whole ride to the hospital I’m holding her hand and talking to her.
“Jesika, you have to be okay. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave me all alone with another child. You can’t leave Jaxon. You can’t leave Emma. We all need you, Jesika. Please, please, baby,” I beg.
I’m pleading out loud with her like any of this is in her control, knowing that I start silently praying that her life is spared, again. There’s no way in hell I was able to save her that fateful night two years ago, just for her to die from carrying our child.
No, she’s not supposed to leave me. That’s all there is to it. I know I’m crying and have been since I first kneeled beside her back at Mallory’s; she’s my life. She’s my future. I can’t live without her; I can’t stomach the thought of her not being in it. What kind of dad could I possibly be to three kids if she dies? Just the thought of losing her and how bad it will feel, I get an inside glimpse of how she felt losing Jake. She’s so much stronger than I ever knew to have surpassed that kind of pain. The pain of losing the person you love and cherish. The person who holds your world in their hands.
I’m by Jesika’s side the whole time, as the paramedics’ wheel her through the emergency room doors. There are nurses scrubbed up in yellow gowns draped over their scrubs pullin
g on gloves as they all approach us in urgency; they all are prepared for the worst.
However, I’m more panicked than I was running up to Mallory’s house. The extent of this situation is hitting me full force, crushing my chest.
Head on.
I’ve never felt more scared and alone than I do at this very moment as my heart is racing, beating against my chest, faster than the little beeping machine with Jesika’s slow pacing heart. This is life or death and it’s not just Jesika’s life that’s at stake. I have so much that I can lose in a matter of minutes, which is if I haven’t lost her yet.
As I try to keep my hand snug around her lifeless one, I hold on with my other hand, trying to feel some sort of grasp back from her, but nothing. The gurney and crowd take a turn as we head through two sets of metal doors. The whole time they are mumbling their hospital terminology talk, back and forth. Even though I could probably decipher most of it, I can’t. My body is lifeless, as I watch them strap things to her swollen belly, and I’m too worried to try.
My eyes sting at the bright lights as they reflect off the white floor and walls as we make our way inside. It seems like we’ve finally made our way to the end of the long hallway, where the only place was left to go is straight through one last pair of heavy metal doors. Doors that are clearly marked, in red lettering:
Emergency O.R. Surgery Only No Visitors Allowed.
The doctor comes rushing out, asking for her vitals and details of the occurrence while on scene. Two Nurses start asking me questions on her allergies, how many weeks is she? When was her last appointment? Is she on bed rest? I informed the nurses of everything I could as we speed walk down the longest hallway I’ve ever walked down before. Not sure any of it was actually coherent in the state of mind I’m in.
I’m overwhelmed, stressed and honestly, I just want to break down. I’m trying my fucking best to keep myself together. Keep it together for Jesika, as if me having a mental, emotional breakdown will affect the outcome either way, it won’t. But for fuck’s sake it’s the excuse I’m holding onto.
One of the doctor’s pull up Jesika’s shirt, squirts some gel on her stomach, and then places the little microphone Doppler on her abdomen. I can hear the little heart fluttering, but it’s faint, even I can tell.
“The baby’s heart rate is low, the mother needs more oxygen. Call the O.R let them know we have a Stat Cesarean coming,” the doctor yells over the machines, which just seem to be getting louder with every step we take to the last set of double doors.
Taking in all the information at once and trying to keep up with the group, I’m stopped by a young, short brown haired nurse, who looks at me with nothing but sympathy in her green eyes.
She places her hands on my chest, trying to stop me from entering with them; my hand is ripped apart from Jesika’s as I feel her fingertips leave mine. Her arm is over the side of the gurney and another nurse places it back on the small wheeled bed. The doors shut and she’s gone.
“Sir, you can’t come back here.” Not giving two shits about what she’s saying, I try to push passed her. “It’s an emergency surgery. We are performing a Stat C-section on your wife.” I don’t even correct her as she calls Jesika my wife, because she already feels like my wife, she’s everything to me.
I point at the doors, “You can’t expect me to just wait out here and hope for the fucking best, when my world is in there! I have no clue what’s going on. I have to be in there!” I yell at the little nurse, still trying to hold me back. She pushes harder on my chest to get my full attention.
“We are going to do everything we can to save your wife and baby. You have to calm down.”
Of course, when you say that to someone who is freaking out of their mind, it makes you even more angry. My anger starts to boil through my stomach, right when I was going to tell her to fuck off, she continued on, “You aren’t allowed back here, it’s all very sterile and you wouldn’t be doing anyone any good just being in the way. I will personally let you know something as soon as we can. The doctor can have the baby out in five minutes,” I look at her with pleading eyes and I stop to think, I really wouldn’t be much help acting like an ass in there. “Please, sir,” and I stop.
This woman, who I have never known nor ever met, is being completely honest with me. Being in that room would only make me freak out even worse. Seeing the doctor cut into Jesika’s swollen belly, all the machines hooked up to her, them trying to be multi life savers by saving two at one time. I just carelessly nod my head at her before she turns away, slipping on a mask to cover her face and walking through the doors that lead to my everything, which keeps me shut out.
Just because I can’t see the scene that’s unfolding behind the thick metal doors, doesn’t mean I can’t hear the chaos seeping through the cracks. I can still hear machines, the annoying beeping sound that won’t shut up, as Jesika’s heart beat thumps and gets lower with each passing breath she takes, and doctors and nurses yelling over the noises.
That nurse was right, even if I could be in there, I’m sure seeing what’s going on would kill me more than it is, but pacing back and forth out here not knowing kills me inside as well. Five minutes she said, so far, this is a long five minutes.
All the noises keep flooding my thoughts; I tell myself all the ones I’m hearing are good because it means Jes is still alive, her heart is still beating with the machine, that’s been my biggest concern. Until I heard the doctor yelling that the baby’s heart rate was low and Jes’s oxygen was down and they had to get the baby out now, my heart sank.
Still pacing, I realize I could lose them both, not only can Jesika die, but my child’s life is on the line too. This whole damn thing can end up being all for nothing, her choosing to go through this pregnancy, knowing the risks, because she thought it was fate. When she got pregnant, this could have just been a fucking joke this whole time. Once you think you are in the clear and your happy ending has arrived.
BAM!
Life is known to play us the shitty hand. Why should it be any different this time? Sarcastically I laugh on the inside at how damn funny life thinks it can be, I’m hit with the dreaded sound, that sound no one wants to hear.
No one.
I hear someone yell out, “CLEAR!” Then, zap.
Hearing that sound a thousand times before, I know what’s going on. Her heart has stopped. I instantly dropped to my knees, my body sliding down the wall and falling on the floor. I can’t contain the sob that’s escapes my throat and my tears as they streak down my face.
Remembering what the paddles sound like, when someone’s heart stops, the charging high pitch screeching noise, someone yelling clear, and then watching their body jolt in the air on the gurney. That’s what’s happening to my Jes right now.
It’s all so overwhelming; all of it is draining out all the thoughts in my head. I can’t think. All I can do is have flashbacks of the short time Jes and I had together. All I can do is have flash forwards of the life we were going to have.
And what now? Nothing.
The only woman I have truly ever loved is dying. Hell, by the sounds of it, she could be dead. I can’t do anything, I’m so fucking hopeless. I was supposed to be able to save her, to keep her from harm, but I’m not there by her side. I’m not fucking in there.
I’m letting her down; I’m letting our child down. That is if I’m even still a dad. I haven’t heard anything on the baby. The doctor called out a stat C-Section, stat should be now. Where was everyone? The fucking nurse said, five minutes. Don’t they know how to keep someone fucking updated in a time like this? This is fucking insane. My world is crashing down around me; my life is over if Jes dies. I love her; I need her by my side.
I’m crying uncontrollably now, when the sound of the metal double doors open and swing shut. My head snaps up, hoping to see them wheeling out Jesika’s body, but it’s not. My heart stops as my eyes take in the nurse from earlier and she’s cooing at a little bundle of pink blanket that’s wr
apped up in her arms with a smile.
She stops and kneels down beside me. “Congratulations, Dad. It’s a girl. I have a room that I need you to come with her in.” I follow her into the empty room. It looks as though nothing has been touched. The bed is perfectly made and all the machines are sitting still with no noises coming from them. The TV isn’t even on.
“Jesika?” I can barely ask her.
“A doctor will be in soon to check on you and your daughter,” she says as she places my gorgeous red faced little girl into my arms.
Then, I’m left alone, sitting in a stiff chair beside an empty bed with my princess sleeping in my arms. I gently touch her tiny little hand tracing all her little fingers with my own before I bend down and tenderly kiss her forehead; her skin is so soft. I whisper, “Hey, baby girl. Daddy loves you.”
Epilogue
It’s now been almost three years since I lost Jake. It’s amazing how time can change everything. I was completely lost after he died. Left to mourn my husband and keep myself together for our son was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Actually, moving forward and letting go was almost harder. It was a constant battle between what was right for my son and I and the feeling that what I was doing was wrong to the memory of my husband. It was almost freeing once I realized it was okay to move past the pain, the sadness and pick up the fragments that were remnants of the life I had once known and go on. And that I could be happy and live again. Those were things I never expected when Derek walked into my life almost two years ago.
He has literally been my superhero. Always watching from a distance, ready to swoop in at the smallest sign of danger. He has been my refuge, my safe harbor, my potter and so much more. He helped mend my heart back together. It will never be the same as it was before the accident, but no ones can ever be the same after such a tragedy. We had both lost someone we loved, someone we thought we'd grow old with. I had lost mine to death and Derek had lost his to the world of addiction, which ended up being a death sentence. And we both had a child who had lost a parent. Being with him felt so right and as cliché as it sounds, it feels like we were fated to be together. I had never thought I would ever marry again, let alone want to, and now it’s all I can think about.
Exposed: An Anthology Page 22
