Whippersnapper

by Felice Arena

  ‘Sure, we’ll talk to you later, George,’ says Principal Franklin.

  ‘How many times do I have to tell you …’ I hear Bernie mumble to Franklin as I take off.

  When I look back to the corner, Lilly and Corey are gone. I scan the room and see that they’re seated at a table. All the guests are. The lead singer of the band announces from the stage that they’ll be taking a break and that the first course is about to be served. Doris has come to get me and take me back to our table.

  Throughout the meal I keep looking up to see what Corey and Lilly are up to. They’re at the kids’ table – even though they’re clearly too old for that – but they still seem to be laughing. What’s he done to her?

  ‘Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to dance off that delicious feast,’ announces the lead singer. ‘But first, put your hands together for George and Doris. Fifty wonderful years!’

  Everyone applauds. Doris puts her hand on mine, and smiles lovingly at me.

  ‘Now, a little birdie has told me what song you first danced to as newlyweds,’ adds the singer. ‘And we’re going to play that for you two whippersnappers now. So, Doris and George, if I could ask you to please take the dance floor. Ladies and gentlemen, the happy couple …’

  Again everyone applauds. Doris stands and takes my hand. What the? No way! I didn’t see this coming. No one told me I had to dance. I can’t dance. Well, not the way old people do. But it’s too late – the band’s started the intro.

  We reach the centre of the dance floor, and Doris is clearly expecting me to do something. This is so embarrassing. Doris sighs and takes my left hand in her right hand. Then she puts my right hand around her waist. I just know that Lilly and Corey are watching. Talk about totally humiliating.

  ‘Relax, George,’ Doris whispers. ‘We’ve done this a million times.’

  The band starts up and we begin to sway … And, well, it’s not so bad. Okay, we’re not going to win Dancing with the Stars, but I’ve only stepped on Doris’s feet twice and at least we don’t look like freaks wrestling in a circus. Minutes later we’re joined by all the other oldies. Strangely, this is kind of fun and for a moment I forget about Lilly.

  By the third dance, I’m over it, though, and I manage to break away. Doris doesn’t mind, as one of the guests is there to take my place.

  Right, there they are. Corey and Lilly are playing with their desserts. They’re flicking whipped cream at each other. Gross! What the hell does she see in that meathead? Maybe he brainwashed her somehow. Who knows?

  ‘George, sit down and have a drink with us,’ says Henry, trying to drag me back to his table. My stare is still fixed on the girl of my dreams.

  ‘I’ll be back in just a sec, Henry. I promise,’ I say, marching toward Lilly and Corey.

  ‘Hi,’ I say, when I reach them. ‘Are you two kids having a good time?’

  They nod.

  ‘Hey, Gramps,’ says Corey. ‘I hear we’re gonna play against Pennsbury in the final and you’re coaching them now.’

  ‘Yep. So what do you think of that?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah, whatever,’ he says. ‘We’re still gonna kill ’em. We’ll give them a lesson they’ll never forget. I can’t wait!’

  Huh, so much for the crushed feelings.

  ‘So, Corey,’ I ask, through clenched teeth, ‘aren’t you going to get your date a drink – to help wash down that dessert.’

  ‘Nah, we’re fine,’ Corey mutters.

  ‘Well, I think you should show the young lady a little more respect and get her a drink anyway,’ I say, trying to sound like George. ‘Go on, I know it’s tough for you, but try and be a gentlemen.’

  ‘Okay, okay!’ he says, giving me a confused look.

  Finally Corey has left Lilly’s side. I’ve got just under five minutes to convince her to dump him.

  ‘So, Lilly, we met at Coach Anderson’s funeral, remember?’ I say.

  ‘Oh, yeah, we did. Congrats on your anniversary, by the way. I think it’s totally cool that two people can be so in love for that long.’ She smiles, and it makes me hate Corey even more. I’m jealous. I’m seething. This is so not fair.

  ‘Yeah, well, talking about love, what’s with you and Corey? You two aren’t serious, are you?’

  Lilly blushes. I’ve obviously embarrassed her. ‘Um, well, um …’

  She struggles to answer me, her eyes darting off to the side to see if Corey is on his way back, her expression saying, ‘I wish this creepy old man would leave me alone!’

  ‘Look, I’m going to let you in on something. You can do way better than Corey. I’d dump him if I were you.’

  ‘Sorry? Um… he’s your grandson!’

  ‘Grandson, shmandson,’ I say. ‘He’s a tool. Why do you like him anyway?’

  Lilly wriggles uncomfortably in her chair. ‘I think he’s funny,’ she says. ‘And he’s a really good sportsman. He’s a champion at basketball. I can’t wait to see him play in the grand final on Tuesday night. No offence, but I’m a Winston High girl. I can’t wait to see Winston win for the third time in a row.’

  I’m completely gutted. ‘You sound so sure that they will,’ I say, my voice breaking.

  Okay, I gotta admit that last comment hurt. But I’m willing to ignore it. I need to step this up.

  ‘You know, Corey is the reason why that kid, Gus, is in hospital. Why would you want to go out with someone like that?’

  This time Lilly sounds upset. ‘He didn’t mean it,’ she says. ‘He didn’t think the bike was going to cause an accident.’ But suddenly she realises she’s said too much. ‘Um, I mean, um… I better go look for Corey.’

  ‘No! No!’ I say, stopping her. ‘Corey did put the bike in the middle of the road? I friggin’ knew it.’

  ‘It was just a joke!’ Lilly looks frightened by me now.

  ‘Just a joke?’ I say, raising my voice, as Lilly rushes off. ‘And you think that’s okay?’

  My chest is actually hurting and I’m breathing funny. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m so upset or if I’m having some kind of heart attack. I can let it slide that Lilly doesn’t want to support Pennsbury – but not this. This is huge. This totally sucks big-time. Suddenly the girl of my dreams isn’t so dreamy.

  CHAPTER

  24

  I’m still flipping out over Lilly’s comments, when Henry pulls me over to his table. My heart calms right down as I sit there, quietly watching the party in full swing. Most of the guests, including Doris and Gayle, are dancing their feet off.

  But Henry, Bernie and Principal Franklin are deep in conversation about the ‘good old days’. Henry has got me another one of those foul-smelling drinks and after a few sips I feel like I’m on the Mega-Chunder ride at Crazy Chuck’s Amusement Park. Soon I’m laughing my head off at the stupidest things and no one seems to realise that I don’t know anything about the stories they’re telling. Also, I’ve noticed that when I speak my words are coming out all mushy and jumbled. It feels like something between having a fever and when you bounce back up from doing a handstand.

  I have to admit that Bernie is freaking me out a little. He glares at me suspiciously. I force myself to have a large glass of water and stare back at him.

  When Henry and Principal Franklin get up to see Doris, Bernie finally talks to me. ‘You’re not the George I know,’ he says, slowly and calmly. ‘You’re just not him.’

  I gulp down another glass of water. I want the spinning to stop now. I move my chair right in next to Bernie.

  ‘You know what?’ I try to say, but it comes out all slurry. ‘You’re right. I’m not Orge, I mean, George.’

  Bernie groans and mumbles something I don’t understand.

  ‘Yep. It’s true,’ I say. ‘And you’re the only person here who believes me. And they don’t believe you because you had an awful strokey thing. Isn’t that funny?’ I start to laugh uncontrollably.

  I laugh. And laugh. And laugh. When I finally stop, I turn back to Bernie to see th
at he’s laughing too.

  ‘Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to call George up to say a few words,’ announces the lead singer. Everyone cheers and makes their way back to their seats.

  ‘Dad!’ Gayle calls out to me. ‘You’ve got to go up. Make a speech!’

  Oh no – I have to make a speech?

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for George Cavendish!’

  No way! I can’t believe this is happening.

  ‘George, are you okay?’ says Doris, as I stumble to my feet. She looks worried as Gayle helps me to the stage.

  ‘Now, Dad,’ Gayle whispers as we approach the microphone. ‘You are going to recite the poem, aren’t you? I know Mum is hoping you will.’

  Argh! The poem! Now I’m really in deep poop.

  It takes me a few seconds to get everyone into focus as I take hold of the microphone. I spit into it three or four times, as if I’m beat boxing.

  ‘Testing one, twoooo! Testing one, twooooo! How y’all doin’? Let’s give it up for the band tonight.’

  Everyone is clapping. Or I think they are. I take a deep breath. I don’t know how I’m going to give a speech about love and marriage and stuff when I’ve just been destroyed by the girl of my dreams. But looking out at the crowd I realise that I don’t really have a choice. Here goes …

  ‘Soooo, um, Doris and me have been married for fifty years, which is a seeeeeeeeriously loooooong time.’

  I hear a few chuckles.

  ‘Love is a funny thing, though. You think you really, really like someone, but then you find out later that you don‘t.’

  Even I can tell that I’m slurring my words. I glance over at Lilly. And then over at Doris. She’s staring back at me with a worried look on her face.

  I try to put a positive spin on it. ‘But life’s surprising,’ I say. ‘You know? You can’t really figure out what’s gonna happen next…’

  I zone out for a moment. And then, weirdly, an image of Annie flashes through my mind. I remember her sitting by my body in the hospital, playing me music. I remember the look on her face when she talked about me playing guitar at her birthday, and how cool she was when she came over to check out the old guy breaking into my house. I remember all the fun we used to have together when we hung out.

  Suddenly a big-time revelation hits me like a massive slam-dunk … Lilly’s not right for me. She never was, but I can’t stop smiling. I’ve been so caught up by the thought of Lilly for the past year, that I haven’t seen what was right there all along. Lilly’s not the girl of my dreams – Annie is!

  The leader singer taps me on the shoulder and snaps me out of it.

  ‘Um … yeah, where was I?’ I stutter, a big stupid grin spreading across my face. ‘Um, well… life will throw you things you don’t see coming, but one thing I’m sure of is that I’m lucky.’

  I look at Doris, but I’m thinking of Annie.

  ‘Yep, I’m lucky because there’s a beautiful girl who thinks I’m really awesome!’

  The entire room breaks out in awwwwhs and applause. Doris is beaming. I sigh. I’m relieved, but only for a moment. I catch Gayle, mouthing to me, ‘The poem, the poem!’

  That stupid poem! How am I going to get out of this? Got it! I’ll do something that will make Gayle and Doris forget there ever was a poem. I turn to the lead guitarist. ‘May I?’

  He reluctantly hands over his guitar to me. I put down the microphone. It’s fantastic to have a guitar in my hands again. I close my eyes and let rip. I rock out, blasting the room with the solo of my favourite track – Annie’s favourite track – ‘Dust to Dust’.

  As the final chord vibrates through the room, I look up and catch sight of Lilly and Corey with their mouths wide open. The room is silent, everyone is stunned. I hand the guitar back and step back into the microphone. I’m feeling dizzy. My sight is blurry. Woah. The room has just gone into turbo boost. It’s spinning a million miles an hour. I spot Gayle shaking her head. Don’t tell me she still wants me to recite that poem to Doris? Fine, then! I’ll make one up… but thankfully, before I can open my mouth, I topple backwards and pass out.

  CHAPTER

  25

  I wake up and it feels as if a semi-trailer has driven over my head – and then backed over it again. My eyelids struggle to open completely and my mouth is so dry that it feels as if my lips are glued together. I’m never going to drink alcohol again. Ever. Not even when I grow up.

  I lift my elephant-heavy head and glance over at the bedside clock. It’s eleven thirty.

  I struggle to remember what happened last night. There was Bernie. Lilly. There was dancing. And I think I made a speech.

  I shuffle into the kitchen and find Hannah doing her homework at the table.

  ‘Morning, Granddad!’ she says, the pitch of her voice blasting my eardrums. ‘You were funny last night. I didn’t know you could play the guitar.’

  ‘Huh?’ I mumble, getting a glass of water. ‘Funny? Guitar?’

  ‘Yeah, then you fell over. And Dad and Mum had to drive you home. And Grandma Doris was really worried. She thought that your heart had stopped and you were in a coma again. But then Mum said that you were just really drunk.’

  ‘Um, okay.’ I try to make sense of Hannah’s recap of the party. ‘So, um, where’s Doris, I mean Grandma, now?’

  ‘She’s in the garden. I think she’s sad. Mum always says Grandma works in the garden when she’s upset.’

  I feel a wave of guilt flow over me. I’ve totally ruined her big night. ‘Um, so why are you here?’ I ask Hannah.

  ‘Because Mum wanted me to drop off these photo albums.’

  I look down. One of the albums is open to the page showing Doris as a young woman, splashing in the waves. I leave the kitchen and make my way out to Doris. She’s on her knees in the garden, digging holes.

  ‘Hi!’ I say.

  She continues digging without saying a word. Yep. She’s upset all right. ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ I say. ‘It was crazy. One minute I was fine. The next… well, you know.’

  And still I get no reaction from her. ‘I’m only fourteen!’ I feel like yelling. ‘This is your friends’ fault for giving me those drinks.’ But of course I can’t say that.

  ‘Look, Doris,’ I say instead. ‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you or anyone else, and –’

  ‘Who are you?’ Doris snaps. She stands and brushes the dirt off her hands. She’s staring directly at me.

  ‘Sorry?’ I ask.

  ‘Who are you?’ she repeats, her eyes welling with tears. ‘Because I don’t know anymore, George. I really don’t. I understand that your accident and the problem with your heart came as a terrible shock, but why after fifty years together didn’t you tell me you could play the guitar?’

  This sounds like a question, but somehow I’m not sure that I’m meant to answer it. I think the safest thing to do is to stay silent. From the way she’s biting her bottom lip and shaking her head it looks like she has a lot to get off her chest.

  ‘But it’s other things, too, George – little things You’re incredibly restless, so much so that it puts me on edge, not to mention all the erratic things you’ve been doing. And I can’t understand the way you talk to CJ. Despite your differences, you used to love that boy. And he might not show it, but he certainly loves you.’

  Doris steps in close to me. ‘But what hurts me the most,’ she says, gently placing her right hand on my cheek. ‘Is that you don’t look at me the way you used to. Ever since the accident, you’re a different man. And I miss the old George.’

  Doris wipes away a tear with the back of her hand. For a moment she just gazes at me. Not a word. Then she turns and heads back inside.

  For the first time I’m actually grateful that my body is in a coma. What if George was awake, hanging out with my friends, living with my family, ruining my life as badly as I’m ruining his? It’s then I have a brilliant idea…

  ‘Right, Doris, get ready. We�
��re going out. Hannah, you’re going home,’ I announce, stepping into the kitchen.

  ‘Get ready for what? Where are we going?’ asks Doris.

  ‘Don’t argue with me,’ I say, sounding as much like George as I can. ‘Henry is on his way to pick us up. Just pack your swimsuit and towel.’

  ‘Swimsuit? George, what’s going on? Have you totally lost your mind? I haven’t worn a swimsuit for years. And it’s freezing outside.’

  ‘No, excuses, Doris. Please? It’s a surprise.’

  Ding Dong!

  ‘That’ll be Henry. Hurry or we’ll miss it. Hannah, we’ll drop you off home on the way.’

  Doris continues to question me all the way to our destination.

  ‘Well, here we are,’ I say.

  ‘An aquatic centre?’ snorts Doris. ‘George, if you think I’m going to start swimming laps or doing water classes for the elderly, then –’

  ‘Doris!’ I snap. ‘Be quiet. No laps. No water classes. Let’s go. Henry, you don’t mind coming back for us in an hour, do you?’

  Henry nods and waves us off.

  When we get inside, Doris and I go to the changing rooms and meet back by the entrance, wearing our swimsuits. Doris is trying to cover her white, wrinkly legs with a towel.

  We walk past an Olympic-sized swimming pool and step through to another, lagoon-shaped pool.

  ‘Okay, come on,’ I say, leading Doris into the warm water. ‘This is a special pool.’

  ‘Why?’ she asks.

  ‘You’ll see.’ I grin. And as if I’d pre-arranged it, a buzzer starts to sound just as we step into the water. Within seconds, kids from all over the center are swarming around us.

  ‘It’s about to start,’ I say to Doris.

  ‘What’s about to start? And why are all these children here?’

  The water begins to swell, back and forth. Waves suddenly appear. Doris laughs as we’re tossed around by the rocking motion of the water. ‘What is this?’ she asks, her face lighting up.

  ‘It’s a wave pool!’ I smile back. ‘I was thinking of you in that photograph – at the beach, in the waves – and how happy you looked. And, well, you’re right, today’s not the weather to be outside, but I thought this would be the next best thing.’