Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “I don’t think so,” I say, hoping that she doesn’t recognize me.

  My pictures have been posted on gossip websites. It’s why I try to stay out of trouble and out of the spotlight as much as possible. But, I’m sure once everybody knows who I am; they will know what I did last spring. Then they will know why I’m here.

  I don’t want them to know.

  “Hmm...” she says, looking at me like she’s trying to figure it out. “Well, you’re really pretty.”

  “Me?” I ask.

  She giggles. “Yes, of course you. I’m so jealous of your hair. I wish mine would grow out to my waist.”

  “She’s too impatient for that,” Molly says.

  “It’s true,” Karlie agrees. “I get bored with my hair, cut it, regret it, and then start growing it out again. It’s really a never ending cycle.”

  “I’m going to introduce Jinger to a few more people,” Sebastian says.

  I say goodbye to the girls and we walk away from them.

  They seem nice.

  A little too energetic, but nice.

  “What did you think of Karlie and Molly?” he asks.

  “They’re... hyper...”

  He laughs. “Molly is on the dance team and Karlie is a cheerleader. It’s perfect for them. They can’t seem to stand still.”

  I look back and see that the two of them now have energy drinks in their hands.

  “They should lay off the Red Bull,” I say.

  “Probably,” he agrees.

  I pull my phone out of my back pocket to see what time it is.

  6:30.

  I’ve still got an hour and a half until Caleb calls.

  I see that I also have a new email from my father. I decide to read that later. I’m so not in the mood to hear what he has to say right now.

  “What’s wrong?” Sebastian asks me.

  “Nothing,” I say, slipping my phone back in my pocket.

  “Something made you sad,” he says.

  I shrug. “Just an email from my dad.”

  He raises an eyebrow as he looks at me. “Your dad... emails you?”

  “Well, I think it’s him. Maybe he gets his personal assistant to do it for him. I don’t know.”

  “Does he call?” he asks.

  I roll my eyes. “Yeah, right. That would take too much of his precious time.”

  “I’m sorry, Jinger.”

  “No big deal.”

  “You blinked twice,” he says.

  “Just... drop it, okay?”

  Sebastian nods. “Okay.”

  I should just leave.

  I don’t care about meeting these people.

  I just want to sit in my dorm room and wait for Caleb to call me.

  “Sebastian.”

  I hear a voice from behind us. We both turn around.

  And standing before me is the most gorgeous guy I have ever met. Seriously.

  He’s a lot taller than I am. I’d say he’s about six feet, but he’s a little shorter than Sebastian. He’s got light brown hair. He’s tanned, so I can tell he spent a lot of time outside this summer. He’s got amazing biceps and I want to see what’s under his shirt. Seriously.

  And his eyes.

  They’re a light brown. Almost copper, maybe? And the outside is lined in dark brown. I could seriously stare at them all night long.

  “Who is your friend?” the guy asks.

  Sebastian frowns, but answers him anyway. “This is Jinger.”

  The guy doesn’t take his eyes off me. “Does Jinger have a last name?”

  Sebastian rolls his eyes at the guy, but he’s not looking. “If she wants you to know her last name, she can tell you herself.”

  “I’m Brody Johnson,” he says, and holds out his hand.

  “Jinger,” I say back, and accept his hand shake.

  “Do I not get to know your last name?” he asks.

  I shake my head.

  “Winston told me earlier that Preston Rivera’s daughter was going here,” Brody says. “Is that you?”

  Crap.

  Winston.

  The guy who gave me my dorm keys. I had to tell him my last name.

  I look at Sebastian, hoping he has a solution. I have no idea what to say to this guy.

  “That’s not her,” Sebastian says.

  “Then what is your last name?” Brody asks.

  “Um...” I try to think of something on the spot. “Grace,” I say, going with my middle name. “I’m Jinger Grace.”

  “Grace? What a weird last name,” he says, then pulls out his phone. He types something in and then turns the phone around to me. “Wow, you look just like Jinger Rivera.” He turns his phone back around. “And what a coincidence. Her middle name is Grace.”

  “Fine. I’m Jinger Rivera. But don’t tell people, please,” I tell him.

  “Why not? If my dad was Preston Rivera, I’d be bragging about it,” he says.

  “Well, I’m not you.”

  “Okay, I won’t tell,” he says. “So why are you here?”

  “Why should I tell you? You’re just going to look it up online anyway,” I say sarcastically.

  “No, I won’t,” Brody says. He clicks the top of his phone and slips it back inside his pocket. He holds up both of his hands. “I promise.”

  “Okay,” I say, but I don’t believe him.

  “I’m sorry I made you mad,” he says. “Can I make it up to you? Let me take you to the dance tomorrow night.”

  “Dance?” I ask.

  “Back to school dance,” Sebastian says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t dance.”

  Which is a lie. I do dance. Just so not in public. And definitely not in front of people I just met.

  “Then just come with me and hang out,” Brody says.

  “No offense, Brody, but I don’t know you. I literally just met you. I don’t know if I’m coming or not, but if I do, it will be alone,” I tell him.

  “Will you at least save a dance for me?” he asks. “I know you don’t dance, but I don’t either. Not well, anyway. It would be fun.”

  “Sure. Whatever.”

  Brody smiles and says goodbye to Sebastian and me before he walks off.

  “Sorry about him,” Sebastian says. “We are on the lacrosse team together. He’s a senior and he’s kind of mad that I beat him out for captain this year. He probably thought I was interested in you, so he wanted to charm you.”

  Well, he was charming.

  Until he opened his mouth.

  “You look amused,” he says. “What are you thinking?”

  “Nothing,” I quickly say, waving him off.

  We decide to grab some food and he introduces me to a few more people. I’m not sure how much time passes, so I pull out my phone to look.

  7:55.

  Crap, I lost track of time.

  “I need to go make a phone call real quick. I’ll be back,” I tell him.

  “Okay,” he says.

  I walk outside where I can get some privacy, and wait for Caleb’s call.

  8 p.m.

  Perfectly fine.

  At exactly eight o’clock, Caleb calls me.

  “Hey,” I answer. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” he says. “How are you? Didn’t you leave for boarding school today?”

  “Yes, I did. But we should talk about something more interesting,” I say.

  “Jinger, I’m in rehab. This place is freaking boring. I’ve even started reading,” he says. “Please, let me live vicariously through you. Have you made any friends?”

  “A few. There is this nice boy named Sebastian. And a boy named Drew, but he’s kind of annoying, so I’m not sure about him yet.”

  “What about your roommate?”

  “I haven’t met her, yet,” I answer. “I hope she’s nice. I’ll keep you posted on that one. I’ve met three girls so far... one of them was very unkind, and the other two were very... energetic. I don’t think I will become friends
with any of them.”

  “Come on, Jinger. You can be charming and outgoing. You just choose not to be. Promise me that you will try to make this work,” he says. “I mean, it’s my fault that you’re there instead of at home.”

  “It’s not. We both made a choice,” I say. “And I don’t regret what I did. I’d do it again.”

  He sighs into the phone. “You’re my little sister. I should be taking care of you, not the other way around.”

  “I promise, I will try to make friends,” I tell him, changing the subject. “It’s just... I get annoyed with... happy people. Maybe it’s because I’m jealous.”

  “I so know what you mean,” he says. “Most people think it’s awesome to be a Rivera, but it’s really not. In fact, most of the time, it sucks.”

  “That’s why you are my best friend, Caleb. You get it.”

  “I’m your brother. And I love that I’m your best friend... but you need more friends,” he says.

  “I know. And I promised I’d try.”

  “So, are there any cute guys there?” he asks, changing the subject.

  I snort. “Yeah, right, Caleb.”

  “Avoidance of the question...”

  “There is one cute guy. But he’s an ass, so that would be a negative,” I answer him honestly. “Besides, I’ll only be here for a year. Dad said if I wanted to come back home for my senior year, I could.”

  “But you might not want to. Besides, I’m going to college next year. I won’t be home,” he says. “Maybe I’ll even go to school in Boston so I can be close to you.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “Yes, really,” Caleb says. “You’re not the only one miserable at home.”

  “That sounds amazing, Caleb.”

  “I know. It really does.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and for a moment, I can almost picture him standing in front of me. “I’ve got to go, Jinger. My time is up.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I hear the phone click and I sigh as I slip my phone into my back pocket.

  I never get enough time talking to him. And the five minutes that I do get only makes me miss him more.

  His therapist said as long as he does well in the program, he will get more phone privileges after the fourth month. Which is next month. Hopefully he will get to call me more then, because I need more time with him.

  I wipe the tears from under my eyes and just stand there for a minute. I don’t want anybody to see me and know I’ve been crying. It’s not anybody’s business. Plus, I hate when people feel sorry for me.

  “Jinger?”

  I look up to see Sebastian standing in front of me. I quickly wipe under my eyes again. “What are you doing here?”

  “You’ve been gone for a while, so I thought I’d check on you... make sure you didn’t ditch the mixer,” he says.

  “I didn’t ditch.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Perfectly fine.”

  It’s a lie.

  We both know it.

  Thankfully, Sebastian chooses not to comment.

  Maybe he and I will be friends after all. Because even though I’ve known him less than twelve hours, he gets me. Not many people do. And because I promised Caleb I’d try... Sebastian is the only person I’ve met here who doesn’t drive me completely crazy.

  “Do you want to ditch?” he asks. “It was kind of crazy in there. Maybe we can just walk around and talk or something.”

  “Sure,” I say.

  We start walking towards the school track. I think. I have looked at the map a lot, but I’m not so good with directions.

  “Tell me about your friends back home,” he says.

  I bite my lip, wondering what I should say. “My only friend is my brother, Caleb.”

  “You don’t have any friends? At all?”

  “None,” I answer.

  “Wow,” he says. “No boyfriend?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then tell me about your brother,” he says.

  “My brother is... my only reason for living. He’s everything to me,” I tell him. “We’ve always been close, mostly out of necessity. My parents... they sort of checked out on us a long time ago. My mom spends most of her time in Europe, and my dad spends his time working. Caleb is only a year older, so we’ve always done everything together. He’s the only reason I made it through swimming lessons without having a full-blown panic attack every time the water touched my skin. And I can honestly say I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him.”

  I so didn’t mean to say that last part.

  I’m hoping he didn’t notice.

  “He saved your life?” Sebastian asks, shock clearly in his voice.

  “Yeah.”

  “What happened?”

  I swallow hard. “I’d rather not talk about it, actually.”

  “Does it have something to do with why you’re scared of water?” he asks.

  I think about his question. I know he’s thinking that I almost drowned or something. But I can honestly tell him, “Yeah.” In a weird, messed up way, Caleb saved me from drowning. Though, he did it by scaring the crap out of me. And he actually doesn’t know that he saved me.

  “You really like one word answers and head nods.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Point proven.”

  I laugh and he joins.

  Now that he’s pointed it out, I do seem kind of pathetic.

  “I’m trying,” I tell him. “I really am.”

  “I know. It actually hurts to see how hard you are trying,” he says. “I don’t know what made you like this, and I don’t know if you will ever trust me enough to tell me, but I’m truly sorry. Nobody should ever have to hurt like you’re hurting. And if you’d let me, I’d like to be your friend. A true friend.”

  His words bring tears to my eyes, but I don’t let them fall.

  “Thanks. I would like that.”

  My first friend.

  Caleb would be proud.

  I think my little sister, Jenna, would be too.

  Jenna was always the outgoing one. I wish she were here with me now. She would love this. Actually, if she were here, I would probably love it too. Maybe my life would be less screwed up.

  “What are you thinking?” Sebastian asks.

  “Am I really that easy to read?”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Memo to self: work on facial expressions. I don’t want him to know what I’m thinking always.

  “I’m just thinking about my life, and how it’s all on the internet for people to read,” I tell him. “Soon, everybody here will know everything about me and it sucks. For once in my life, I want to feel normal.”

  Okay, not all of my secrets are online.

  Some of the secrets only I know.

  And I don’t plan on telling anybody, ever.

  “I promise I won’t look up your secrets online,” Sebastian says. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair for me to know your secrets without you knowing mine. When you feel ready to tell me something, then I’ll be waiting to listen.”

  “The person on the phone earlier... that was my brother, Caleb,” I tell him. “I told him about you.”

  “What did you say?”

  “He asked me if I had made any friends yet, so I told him that you were nice.” I pause before adding, “I also told him that Drew was annoying.”

  Sebastian laughs. “Kind of. But I promise, he’s awesome once he grows on you.”

  I keep thinking about Winston and wondering how many people he told I was here. I also wonder how long it will take for everybody to know why I’m here.

  I sigh and turn to Sebastian. “I feel like I should tell you why I’m at school here. Everybody will know soon enough anyway.”

  “Only if you want to,” he says.

  “I was kicked out of my old school because I was caught buying drugs from the school drug dealer,” I tell him.

  He looks at me. �
�Why do I feel like you’re not telling me the whole story?”

  “Because I’m not,” I tell him. “But that is the story that everybody will hear. The real story... well, that I won’t tell. Not right now anyway.”

  “So, your dad sent you here because he thought you were doing drugs?”

  “No,” I answer. “He did a drug test. I was clean. He sent me here because he thought I needed to get away.”

  What I don’t tell him is that my dad wanted me to get away from my brother. Not like it matters. My brother is in rehab for a year.

  “Why were you buying drugs if you don’t do drugs?” he asks.

  “Right now, we are on a need to know basis. And that, you don’t need to know.”

  He nods. “Okay. I can respect that.”

  “Also, just to confirm, I haven’t done drugs since I was fifteen years old, and all I did back then was smoke weed a couple of times,” I tell him. “I stopped. And I will never do any of that stuff again. No alcohol, no drugs, nothing.”

  “I know that you’re telling the truth.”

  I am.

  And part of me wants to spill my secrets and confide in Sebastian.

  But, I don’t know him.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the after party?”

  I think about saying no. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to go.

  But then I think about what Caleb said. I really should try to make friends. Especially if he is going to go to college in Boston next year, because that means I will definitely want to finish my senior year here.

  Besides, I did promise I would try.

  “Sure,” I say, trying to sound upbeat about it. “How do I sneak out of my dorm?”

  11 p.m.

  #richpeopleproblems

  Fifteen minutes after curfew, I sneak downstairs and climb out a window that is open in the downstairs bathroom. I guess they keep the window open all the time, so I will be able to climb back in it later tonight when I come home.

  It feels weird sneaking out. I’ve never had to do it before because my parents let me do whatever I want. And maybe that is why Caleb is in rehab right now and I am at New Haven Academy. Because they didn’t care enough to give us a curfew... or even, talk to us more than once every couple of weeks.

  I remember the unread email I have from my dad, but I push it to the back of my mind. Tonight is about having fun. I will go back to reality tomorrow... then I will read his email.