Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  Before I can get there, Brody stops me. He stands directly in front of me, blocking my path.

  “What do you want?” I ask him.

  I’m scared to actually look him in the eyes, but then I do. I realize that he doesn’t have the same power over me that he once did. I mean, his eyes are still gorgeous, but I can resist his charm.

  “You. A second chance,” he says.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m just over this, Brody,” I tell him. “I’ve known you almost two weeks now, and you have been a roller coaster the whole time. Up and down. Always. And I get it. I know exactly why you act the way you do. But if you think I’m the person who is going to rescue you and make you all better, you’re wrong. You picked the one person who is more messed up than you are.”

  “Can’t you... try?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “I’m sorry.”

  I try to step around him, but he grabs my arm, not rough.

  “Please, Jinger. I think I’m falling for you,” he says. “I’ve never felt like this before. About anybody.”

  I am about to tell him no again when Drew walks up behind me.

  “You need to move your hand,” Drew says. “Now.”

  Brody lets go, but he looks up at him. I can see the hurt in his eyes.

  “Please,” he says again.

  “I’m sorry, Brody,” I say, and then walk off. Thankfully, Drew follows me.

  The rest of the game, I try to focus on the game and forget what just happened with Brody. But I can’t help feeling sorry for him. Part of me wishes I could be the girl he needs, but I’m not.

  I hope he finds her soon.

  8 p.m.

  We’re friends.

  We won.

  After the game, I want to run out on the field and congratulate Sebastian. My thoughts shock me. What the heck is going on with me? In my mind, I blame Hope for giving me the idea of Sebastian and me. But I know that I didn’t imagine the tension I felt between us when I went to wish him good luck. I don’t want to think of that right now.

  Instead of running out on the field and looking like a complete idiot, I decide to text Sebastian.

  Me: Congratulations on winning.

  Hope and I are walking back to our dorm when I get a response.

  Sebastian: Thanks for coming to wish me luck before the game :)

  Me: Not that you needed luck. You were awesome!

  Sebastian: It was still nice... seeing you before the game.

  Sebastian: You are so beautiful.

  My heart melts at his words. Like, literally, I felt like I had thawed right into a puddle.

  “Who are you texting?” Hope asks, trying to peek at my phone.

  I turn it away from her. “None of your business.”

  “It is Sebastian?”

  I start to deny it, but I know it won’t do any good. I nod.

  “Do you like him? Honestly.”

  “I’m not answering your question,” I tell her. “At least, not until I have a real answer for you. I am not sure how I feel right now.”

  Sebastian: I didn’t mean to scare you off.

  Me: You didn’t. Sorry. I was talking to Hope. We are almost back to our dorm.

  Sebastian: You and me... we’re friends, right?

  When I see the word “friend” I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. But Sebastian has never tried for anything more than friendship. Of course, he sees me as a friend. I’m the delusional one, thinking we could ever be more.

  Sebastian has seen my scars.

  Of course he doesn’t want me.

  I’m damaged.

  And sure, Sebastian and I can relate to each other. We both found our siblings dead. But he is so much stronger than I am. He’s better than I am. And I don’t deserve him. What was I even thinking?

  He could never like me.

  Not like that.

  Me: Of course. Friends.

  Sebastian: What you told me last night... you opening up to me... it means a lot.

  Me: I trust you. More than I’ve ever trusted anybody.

  Sebastian: Good. I have to get in the shower, but can we talk? Sometime soon.

  Me: Sure. When?

  Sebastian: Tomorrow.

  Me: K. See you then.

  I put my phone into the pocket of my hoodie as we walk inside. We both sign in for the night and head up to our room.

  And I can’t help but wonder what it is that Sebastian wants to talk to me about.

  “Are you all right?” Hope asks me.

  “I’m fine,” I say. “Just... tonight was a weird night.”

  “There was a lot of sexual tension. Between Sebastian and you.”

  I roll my eyes. “Whatever. Just because you can’t keep it in your pants doesn’t mean everybody else has that same problem.”

  She grins. “That might possibly be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  “Well, don’t get used to it,” I say.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  I’m thankful she changed the subject.

  Whatever tension between Sebastian and me tonight wasn’t sexual.

  I’m such an idiot. I was just staring at him. He probably realizes now that I have some sort of crush on him. And tomorrow he will probably tell me that we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Because it wouldn’t be fair for him to lead me on. Sebastian is nice like that.

  “So, what are we doing for Sebastian’s birthday tomorrow?” Hope asks.

  “Oh, umm...” I bite my lip, because I honestly don’t know. “I guess we will go out somewhere. My treat.”

  If he’s still talking to me.

  “That’s nice,” she says.

  “I’ll probably take his presents to him in the morning. I don’t want to give it to him in front of everybody,” I say. Mostly, because I don’t want everybody to see him give the gifts back to me. For him to tell me it’s too much for a friend.

  But it’s not.

  I’d buy an equally extravagant gift for Hope. Or Drew. Hopefully, he will see that.

  “He will love the gift,” Hope says.

  I hope she’s right.

  I pull my laptop onto the bed and decide to write a blog post. I look over at Hope and see that she has her sketchbook in hand. I slip my headphones in my ears and turn on my favorite band.

  Nothing can cheer me up like music.

  Thursday, September 19

  Can you shut up?

  I wake up early, get ready, and go to Sebastian and Drew’s dorm. I want to wish Sebastian “happy birthday” in person, even though I texted him at midnight last night to tell him. I really just want to give him his presents.

  Oh, who am I kidding. I want to see him. I want to know if what I felt last night was a fluke thing.

  When I get to their building, the dorm advisor stops me. He wants to know why I am coming to the boy’s dorm so early. So I tell that that I am only here to wish Sebastian happy birthday. I hold up the bags. He seems to accept my answer and lets me go up the stairs.

  I knock on the door and am not surprised when Drew answers the door. He’s not wearing a shirt and his blond hair is still wet from the shower. A towel is riding dangerously low on his hips, and he smirks at me when he sees me.

  “Hey, Bae,” he says. “You here for some early morning action? I’ve got to say, it would make my day.”

  “I’m here for Sebastian.”

  Drew pouts, and then starts talking in a weird accent. “Milady, my heart is broken. Unfortunately, the person you seek is in the shower. Shall I relay a message to him, or do you wish to wait inside our chambers?”

  I roll my eyes. Instead of answering, I push past him.

  Sebastian’s bed is already made, which doesn’t surprise me. He is such a neat person. I sit on the edge, careful not to mess it up.

  “You know, if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask. You didn’t have to come up with this elaborate excuse of seeing Sebastia
n,” Drew says, in his normal flirt tone. “Though, I am thinking we need to even the score. You are wearing far too many layers.”

  I roll my eyes and run my hand over my school uniform. “Maybe you should get dressed.”

  “You do realize you’re in my dorm, right?” he asks. “And that for me to get dressed, I’d have to drop this towel. And while I don’t mind showing off the goods, I am not sure you’re quite ready for that stage in our relationship.

  I laugh and close my eyes. “Let me know when you’re dressed.”

  “Fine,” he says. “I don’t mind if you peek. In fact, I encourage it.”

  “Drew?”

  “Yes, Bae?”

  “Can you shut up?”

  He laughs. “Fine.”

  I sit there with my eyes closed. I hear a few drawers open and close. Finally, after about two minutes, I get the all clear from Drew. When I open my eyes, I see that he is fully clothed, aside from his shoes. He grabs them from the closet and sits on his own, unmade bed.

  “So what was the deal with you and Sebastian last night?” he asks. “You two were acting... strange. And he was up late texting somebody. I have a strange feeling that you are the one he was talking to.”

  “I texted him at midnight to tell him happy birthday,” I say, not wanting to admit to anything else.

  “Come on, Bae. You can tell me the truth.”

  I decide to just tell him, because I know he won’t shut up if I don’t. “We were talking, but it was nothing. Just normal stuff. We bonded over dead siblings, absentee parents, and our love of tacos. That’s it.”

  “Dead siblings?” Drew asks.

  “Oh...” I bite my lip. I hadn’t meant to say that, but I guess I’ve gotten really comfortable with Drew. “I had a sister. She died when I was five. She drowned.”

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “But now, I feel like I understand you so much better. I mean, at least now I get why you’re scared of water. And feelings.”

  “I’m not scared of feelings—”

  Drew cuts me off. “Ugh, yeah, you are.”

  “Fine,” I say. “Maybe a little scared.”

  He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t respond. He stands up from his bed and grabs his bag off the desk. “Bae... I’m glad you told me about your sister. Now, I am going to give you and Sebastian some privacy. Just, please, don’t have sex on my bed. Unless it’s with me.”

  I laugh. “I promise.”

  He grins and leaves the dorm. As soon as the door shuts, I hear the water to the shower turn off. My heart accelerates, because in a few minutes, Sebastian will be coming out here and that scares me.

  I play with the hem of my skirt while I wait for Sebastian to come out of the bathroom.

  When the door opens, my head jerks up. I see that Sebastian is fully clothed, unlike Drew, and I hate the part of me that is disappointed over that fact.

  I bet Sebastian looks good under all those clothes.

  Wow. I can’t believe I just thought that. So much for being a lesbian with Hope.

  “Hey,” he says, grinning. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  I hold up the gift bag. “It’s your birthday, so I brought you presents.”

  “It told you that you didn’t have to get me a gift.”

  I shrug. “It’s not much. Drew helped me pick it out when we were at the mall on Saturday. I hope you like it.”

  He sits down beside me. “It’s not every day I come out of the shower and see a pretty girl sitting on my bed. That’s pretty much the ultimate birthday dream come true.”

  “Now you sound like Drew,” I say, laughing. “He answered the door in a towel.”

  “Try living with him,” Sebastian says, pointing to Drew’s side of the room. “It’s like living with an animal.”

  Drew’s side of the room is messy. There are clothes all over the floor and he hadn’t taken the time to make his bed before leaving. It’s not bad, but I can see why Sebastian is annoyed. I would be too.

  I’m so glad Hope and I both keep our sides of the room clean.

  “So, this is your gift,” I say, pointing at his gift, “but tonight all of us are going out for a celebratory dinner.”

  He smiles. “This is kind of nice. Most of the time, my parents forget my birthday. I’ll get some ridiculously expensive gift mailed to me a week later, from their assistant I’m sure. So, thank you.”

  Sebastian gets the bag off the floor and he pulls out the blanket. His smile widens. “I love it.”

  “Drew wanted to get you a pillow case with some baseball player’s face on it, but I decided this would be better.”

  “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

  “There is one more thing in the bag,” I say.

  He reached down and pulls out the big green box. His eyes get big when he sees the brand name on the top of the box. “Jinger... it’s too much.”

  “No, it’s not. I swear. I wanted to get you something awesome, and Drew said you’d love it.”

  “Rolex watches aren’t cheap.”

  “It’s okay, because I have a lot of money. Or, my dad does. It won’t even make a dent in his checking account. Just, please, say you’ll accept it.”

  He looks at me, slowing revealing a grin. “I have always wanted a Rolex.”

  I smile back. “Then this is the perfect piece to start your collection.”

  He opens the box and his eyes widen. “Wow. This is...” he pauses, almost as if he’s looking for the right words. “This is incredible. Seriously, I would’ve picked this out for myself.”

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I love it,” he says. He pulls the watch out of the box and puts it on his wrist. It fits perfectly and won’t need to be altered. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I say, feeling a little shy.

  Sebastian puts both of his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. I wasn’t expected it, but it’s nice. I feel his lips against my head as he kisses my hair, and I decide that a kiss on the head is definitely just as nice as a kiss on the forehead.

  “We should probably get to the dining hall,” I say, as we pull back from the embrace.

  This dorm room suddenly doesn’t seem big enough anymore and I need air.

  “Okay,” he says. “But I still need to talk to you.”

  “I’m sure we will have plenty of opportunity tonight at dinner,” I say, even though it’s probably not true. Tonight, all of our friends will be there.

  “Jinger, you can’t lie to me,” he reminds me.

  “Right,” I say. Dang it. How do I always forget. “Well, maybe after dinner?”

  “After,” he agrees.

  Together, we walk towards the dining hall.

  Part of me wants to grab his hand as we walk, but then I realize that it wouldn’t be appropriate. Friends don’t hold hands.

  Or maybe they do.

  I don’t know.

  Before I can overthink it, Sebastian grabs my hand and suddenly I don’t care either way. All I know is that this is nice.

  7 p.m.

  I’m here to get an education, not get laid.

  Isaac pretty much invites himself to Sebastian’s birthday dinner, which is cool with me. I like Isaac. But, it’s pretty obvious he is crushing hard on Hope and she does not return the feelings. I actually feel kind of bad for him.

  Sebastian wants to go to the Mexican restaurant that we always go to, so we do. I pay for everybody, but the whole thing ends up being less than sixty dollars. Mexican food is cheap. Though, I’m sure that’s what Sebastian had in mind. He thinks I “spent enough already”. Which is just ridiculous.

  On the way to the restaurant, Isaac and I rode with Hope, and Drew rode with Sebastian. But Sebastian wants to “talk”, so on the way home, Drew rides with Hope and Isaac.

  I get in Sebastian’s car. It’s no Bentley, but it’s still nice. He drives a black Range Rover with custom black rims.

  “I had an awesome birthday,” Sebastian says to me,
once we leave the parking lot of the restaurant. “It was because of you. Thank you.”

  “You will never have a dull birthday again,” I promise him.

  “You plan on sticking around?” he asks. I can hear the smile in his voice.

  My face grows warm as I realize what I’ve just said. He will never have a dull birthday again. And by saying that, I just insinuated that I would always be around.

  “Umm...” I say, trying to come up with an excuse. “Well, you know, I will be around next year. Because we will be at school. And maybe even after graduation we will go to the same college. Either way, we are friends. I mean... I’ve told you some really personal things about me. Things I’ve never told anybody, before. You know that. And I don’t take our friendship lightly.”

  “Jinger... I’m just messing with you,” he says.

  “Oh.” So I just put my foot in my mouth for no reason. “Sorry. Sometimes when I’m nervous, I talk a lot.”

  “Why are you nervous?”

  I bite my lip.

  Crap.

  Why am I nervous?

  I decide to change the subject instead of answering. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “I just... um... first, I wanted to ask you something,” he says.

  “What?” I ask when he doesn’t continue talking.

  “What is the deal with Brody and you?”

  “Brody is... an arrogant prick,” I answer. “I really thought when I first moved here that we were going to be friends, but then I got to know him. He was so high and low all the time. And I just didn’t want to put up with it.”

  “So you’re not friends now?”

  I shake my head.