Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “Ugh, yeah.”

  “I get now why you were so frustrated,” he says.

  I grin. “Maybe it would help me if you told me what you were going to say first.”

  “Was this all a ploy so I would tell you?” he asks.

  “No. But it is a great idea,” I say. “Is it working?”

  Sebastian looks like he’s about to tell me no, but then he looks at me. And, as always, it’s like he’s seeing right through me and into my heart. He seems to change his mind. He grins at me.

  “You know how I always call you beautiful?” he asks.

  I nod, and feel my face flush.

  “And not just the outside. The inside too. And you’re probably the most perfect girl I’ve ever met.”

  “I’m not perfect,” I counter.

  “No. Nobody is. But you’re as close as it can get. At least in my eyes,” he says. “I think your imperfections make you even more perfect, which sounds completely stupid, I know. But it’s the truth. And I know that we haven’t known each other that long, but I like you. I actually more than like you.”

  “You do?” I ask, mostly because I can’t say anything else. I’m stunned.

  “Yeah. And I know that you’re not ready to be anything more than friends with me, but I’d like to take you out on dates, and get to know you better,” he says. “In a romantic way. Not just in a friends, way. Though, I still want to be your friend and build our friendship.”

  My mouth falls open.

  I was seriously about to say the exact same thing to him.

  And now I don’t have to, because he said it all.

  And he feels the same.

  “I would like that. A lot,” I finally say.

  Sebastian grins big. I can see the relief on his face.

  “At the risk of sounding like a jealous idiot, will you not let anybody else take you out on a date, while we’re dating?” he asks. “Because every time I got scared and decided not to tell you this, I imagined you dating somebody else. And it was... awful.”

  “I don’t date. Ever. So, you don’t have to worry about me dating anybody else,” I say. “But you can’t date anybody else, either.”

  “That won’t be a problem.”

  “Yeah, but you’re you. Sebastian Cruz. Every girl in this school has had a crush on you at some point,” I say.

  “They have not,” he says.

  “Have to,” I say.

  He just shakes his head.

  But he’s knows I’m right.

  “It’s your turn,” he says. “What were you going to say?”

  “I was talking to Hope about... things... you, relationships, love...” my voice trails off. I probably shouldn’t say the L-word in front of a non-boyfriend guy that I’m dating, but it’s not like I confessed my love for him. Because, the truth is, I’m not there yet. Love. I am so not ready for that stage of our relationship.

  With love comes other stuff.

  Intimate stuff.

  And while Sebastian and seen my scars, he hasn’t seen them all. And what if he is disgusted when he sees where they all are?

  But I don’t want to think of that just yet.

  I continue talking. “She was talking about denying feelings for somebody. And then I got to thinking, what will happen once you get a girlfriend? Because, let’s be honest, it would suck to see you with another girl. And so I just wanted to tell you how I feel before then. Even at the risk of feeling stupid and the risk of you telling me you don’t feel the same.”

  “How you feel?” he asks.

  “I’m kind of crazy about you.”

  “Wow,” he says. “So you were going to tell me the same thing I told you?”

  I nod.

  “I should’ve let you go first,” he jokes.

  I gently push his arm. “Whatever.”

  “I can’t believe you feel the same. I mean, I can. But I also can’t.”

  “Me, too,” I agree.

  Because, really?

  I can’t.

  This kind of stuff... good stuff... never happens to me.

  Sebastian looks at me, then at my lips. For a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me. But he doesn’t.

  “I’ll walk you back to your dorm,” he says.

  I nod and get off the bench. He grabs my hand as we walk back to the dorm. He walks me to the front of the building where he gives me a kiss on the forehead and then walks to his own dorm.

  And while part of me is disappointed that he hasn’t kissed me, yet, I really like the forehead kisses. They’re cute. He’s cute.

  For a moment, my fear comes back. Sebastian is too good for somebody as screwed up as me. But he doesn’t think so. He thinks I’m perfect. So I push my fear away and head up to my dorm.

  I refuse to be that insecure girl who has to be told she’s pretty all the time.

  Like Sebastian said, if I fake confidence long enough, I’ll eventually be confident.

  Monday, September 23

  The “C-word”.

  I try not to freak out when Brody doesn’t show up at breakfast or lunch again today, but I can’t help but be worried. I even asked Colton about Brody, and he hasn’t seen him. Though, he didn’t seem concerned. Colton said Brody probably had some kind of family thing. It wasn’t uncommon for him to ditch school sometimes. So, I decided just to trust Colton. But I do text Brody to ask him how he is, but he doesn’t respond.

  I push it to the back of my mind as I head to yearbook.

  Zoe, as always, is in a really good mood.

  “You guys, I have really good news,” Zoe says, once the last person is in the classroom. “Dean Taylor came to me with this, and it’s genius. I’m so excited. So, you know how we always have a contest to see who designs the best yearbook cover? Usually the prize is just having your cover chosen. But this year, you also get to pick what we do for one day during spirit week.”

  “So, we could finally have an eighties day?” Vanessa asks. “Because I’ve been trying to get that since I was a freshman.”

  “If you win, yes. You could choose that,” Zoe answers. “Now, everybody can work on their design in here this whole week. But after that, you will have to work on it on your own time. They’re due by Wednesday, October 15. As always, the teachers have the final say. But this is exciting. Big.”

  “Why is this a big deal?” I ask.

  “Well, this year, they’re letting the cheerleaders pick one day, the dance team pick one day, and the rest are spread throughout the arts,” Zoe explains. “Usually they just let the cheer and dance teams pick. I mean, just because I’m not on the dance team doesn’t mean I don’t have school spirit. It just means I can’t dance. And I’m too fat to be a cheerleader.”

  I roll my eyes at that.

  Zoe isn’t fat. Not even a little.

  She’s heavier than me, and the cheer squad, but that’s not a bad thing. She looks good. She has curves. Unlike me.

  “You’re not too fat,” Bryce says. “Some guys might like sticks, but I like a girl with a little curve to her.”

  Zoe grins at Bryce. “Everybody, get to work on your covers.”

  I wonder if he’s thinking of Hope. I mean, she’s pretty skinny, but she has big boobs and a butt. Of which I am jealous. Maybe I’d have more if I ate more.

  Speaking of food, I’m kind of hungry. I didn’t eat much at lunch because I was worried about Brody. And now I’m regretting it.

  I pull out my phone and text Bryce.

  Me: We need some food up here. What does a girl have to do to get some chocolate?

  Bryce: Zoe might snap my neck if I mention the “C” word.

  Me: LOL.

  Bryce: Don’t worry. I’ll hook you up.

  I slip my phone into my pocket and get started on the cover design. Soon, Bryce makes an excuse to leave the classroom. He comes back three minutes later with a candy bar. He slips it to me.

  “Thank you,” I whisper as he walks by.

  When he gets to his desk, he
texts me.

  Bryce: You’re welcome.

  For the rest of class time, we all work quietly on our designs and I eat my chocolate when Zoe isn’t looking.

  Bryce is officially my favorite person.

  Well, besides Sebastian. And it’s kind of impossible to beat him.

  6 p.m.

  Exclusive dating friends?

  There is a girls soccer game tonight and the dance team is performing, so we all go to the field just to hang out.

  I’m kind of nervous to hang out with Sebastian and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this is the first time we’re hanging out, at least outside of school, since we declared our relationship status as... well, I don’t know what we labeled it as. Exclusive dating friends? Umm... yeah, that’s weird.

  I end up setting between Hope and Sebastian.

  And Molly is sitting a couple of rows in front of us, so Hope is having a freak out. Because she can see the back of Molly’s head.

  Hope still hasn’t told anybody else about her sexual orientation, but I have a feeling she will soon. She’s crazy about Molly.

  “You know you don’t owe it to anybody to come out. Just you. Screw everybody else. Just be seen in public holding her hand and kissing her,” I say quietly. “I think they’ll catch on pretty quickly.”

  “Is it really that easy?” Hope asks.

  I nod. “I’m sure people will be asking you questions about it, but you don’t owe anybody an explanation.”

  “You’re right.” Hope stands up and I watch as she walks to where Molly is sitting.

  I watch Molly stand up. She’s wearing her dance uniform because they’re performing at half-time. As soon as Molly stands up, Hope kisses her.

  And it’s not a chaste kiss.

  “Wow,” I hear Drew from the other side of Sebastian. “I so didn’t see that coming.”

  “I did,” Sebastian says.

  Of course he did.

  Sebastian is so observant.

  “I’m glad she is finally telling everybody,” Sebastian says, then turns to me. “You don’t look surprised.”

  “I already knew,” I say. “She told me.”

  “And you encouraged her to do that?”

  I nod. “Well, basically she asked me if she should come out to everybody else. I told her that I supported her and that she didn’t need to explain it to anybody else. I told her to kiss her and hold her hand in public and people would catch on. However, I didn’t tell her to eat the poor girl’s face off.”

  Sebastian laughs. “Jinger, I swear every day you get more awesome.”

  “Thanks?” It comes out as more of a question.

  “I’ve always thought you were awesome. From the first moment I saw you,” he says. “You were standing by your car, looking a bit frightened. But you handled Drew beautifully. And I love how sarcastic you are. And accepting. You’re rooming with a lesbian. That would probably freak a lot of girls out, but not you.”

  “Are you kidding? If you and I don’t work out, Hope is my back up plan,” I joke.

  “Wow. No pressure or anything,” he says.

  The crowd is cheering loudly, and finally Hope and Molly break apart.

  Wow.

  Longest kiss ever.

  But they’re both smiling big. Especially, Molly. I can tell she was completely shocked by the kiss, but she’s definitely happy about it.

  They both grab hands and walk out of the stands. They are probably going to go somewhere private to talk. Or make out? Either way, good for Hope.

  “They are so cute together,” Bianca says.

  “They are,” Bryce agrees. “How am I supposed to compete with freaking Molly Parker?”

  “I don’t think you can compete,” Drew says. “Unless you have a vagina.”

  “So, you don’t think Hope is bi?” Bryce asks.

  “No,” me, Sebastian, and Bianca say at the same time.

  Bryce looks disappointed, but smiles. “I’m happy for Hope.”

  I feel bad for him. He deserves to be happy too. I hope he finds a nice girl soon.

  Somebody on our team makes a goal, so the attention quickly shifts back to the game. The girls are really kicking butt today. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen them play, but they kind of make me want to join the team.

  Too bad I am the most unathletic person ever.

  Sebastian grabs my hand. When I look at him, he’s smiling shyly at me.

  I like holding his hand. A lot. I’ve never really held hands with a guy I’m almost dating and it’s nice. I never knew just touching somebody’s hand could give me so much feeling. My stomach muscles are tight, in a good way. Like, I’m excited and nervous. And, as always, my hand fits perfectly inside of his. Like my hand was made for his. I’m beginning to think that maybe it was.

  We hold hands through the rest of the game.

  Tuesday, September 24

  What’s going on?

  This morning, when Hope and I walk out of the dorm, there are cop cars everywhere around the dorms. Blue and red lights are flashing and it’s complete chaos.

  Hope and I both look at each other, our eyes wide with fear and anxiety.

  What the heck is going on? It wasn’t even this crazy when we found Dean Tolken’s body in the lake a few weeks ago. Maybe they figured out who did it. That would be good. I mean, I don’t feel unsafe on campus, but I’ll definitely feel better with whoever did it behind bars.

  It’s kind of scary to think that a murderer has been on campus, though. This is my safe zone. New Haven Academy truly has been a haven for me, in more ways than one. And I don’t want anything to ruin that.

  And I especially don’t want my dad to find out. If anything else happens here that’s bad, I know he won’t let me stay. He pretty much told me that last time we talked.

  Sebastian and Drew walk up to us. Both of them look just as confused as Hope and I.

  “What’s going on?” Drew asks us.

  Hope and I both shake out head.

  “I don’t know,” she answers.

  “I’m going to figure out what this is all about,” Drew says.

  Drew and Sebastian walk towards a cop and talk with him. Hope and I just stand there, waiting for them to come back. Hopefully with good news.

  “This is crazy,” Hope says.

  I nod in agreement.

  Finally, after about two minutes, Sebastian and Drew walk back towards us. Both of them are looking a bit ill.

  “What’s going on?” Hope asks them.

  “It’s Brody Johnson,” Sebastian says. “He’s missing.”

  “Brody is missing?” I repeat, because I’m hoping that I heard wrong.

  “Yeah.”

  My stomach bottoms out as I think about the last conversation I had with him.

  “I saw something that I wasn’t supposed to see. I know something big about Dean Tolken and his death. And it really freaked me out, okay?”

  He made me promise not to tell anybody.

  But he’s missing.

  I can’t keep this a secret from the cops.

  I’m going to have to tell my dad.

  I take a deep breath through my nose, then exhale slowly out of my mouth. My therapist used to have me practice breathing exercises and this one always seemed to help. But, right now, it’s not helping.

  All I’m thinking is: Brody is missing. And I have information.

  If I tell, I have to call my dad first. He’s going to have his lawyer be present.

  But if I don’t tell, I’m technically withholding evidence.

  What am I even thinking? Of course I have to tell. Brody is missing, and this might be the only clue they have to help bring him back alive.

  “I need a minute,” I tell Sebastian, Hope, and Drew.

  Sebastian looks at me, his face full of concern, but he doesn’t follow me.

  I walk off a little way, and dial my dad’s number.

  He answers on the second ring. “Hello?”

  “Da
d?” my voice breaks.

  “Jinger, what’s wrong?”

  “There is a kid missing at my school,” I say, sniffing my nose. “Before he went missing, he told me something. He saw something. He knows who killed Dean Tolken. And I have to tell the cops.”

  “Okay. Just take a deep breath Jinger,” he says. “I’m going to call my pilot and my lawyer right now. Do not say a word until we get there. I should be there in two hours tops. Do you understand?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I will see you soon,” he says, and the line goes dead.

  Well, that’s great. My dad is coming to New Haven Academy. And he will probably want to take me with him.

  Goodbye, friends.

  Goodbye, happiness.

  Goodbye, Sebastian.

  I look over and see that Sebastian is watching me. I take a second to compose myself and walk back over towards him. Hope and Drew have already headed into the dining hall.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  I nod. Then shake my head. “My dad is coming. Today. Now.”

  “He’s coming to New Haven?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?” he asks.

  “Probably to take me home. If it’s not... safe here... he won’t let me stay,” I pause, looking into Sebastian’s dark eyes. “I don’t want to leave. Especially not now that I’ve met you.”

  “It’ll work out,” Sebastian says, but the promise doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “It has to work out. Because I can’t lose you either.”

  Sebastian wraps his arms around me and I rest my head against his chest.

  Everything has to be all right. Because, when I’m in his arms, all feels right to me. I belong here. I belong with Sebastian.

  And I think my dad will see it that way, too.

  Or, at least I hope he does.

  The end.

  The second book in the New Haven Academy Series, Wasting Away, is coming March 2015!

  As an indie author, I rely heavily on my readers to get the word out on my books. If you loved this story, it would mean the world to me if you left a review where you purchased it! <3