by J. N. Pack
I glance up at him pulling my glasses off and look back down at my paper as he sinks to the floor across from her. He tilts his head to the side begging for me to look at him with his eyes. When I finally do, I shrug.
Tanner is watching me like I may break at any moment. “What’s going on with you Pip?”
I sit my glasses on the floor and cross my legs in indian style. “I’m fine Tan.”
He shakes his head and looks back at me, “No you’re not. You keep trying to convince everyone you are, but you are not. I can see the sadness; I can see the fear and the hurt. All of it is right there for the world to see. Just tell me what’s going on with you.”
I lower my head and give it a shake, “I can’t. Not yet.”
He lowers his head, “Does this have to do with Caelan? What’s going on with the two of you?”
I still refuse to look at him, “Ask him. I’m sure he’s dying to tell. When you do, you’ll understand some of it. You’ll hate me for it.”
His head snaps up, “No fuckin’ way. Nothing could ever make me hate you.”
I roll my eyes, “Just wait. Talk to him and then come back and tell me that.”
His jaw clenches, “I know! I know there is nothing that could ever happen to make me hate you. Don’t you get that.”
A lady sticks her head around the corner, “Shhhh… this is the library young man. Quiet.”
I turn my attention back to the books on my lap, “I should have married you. I should’ve shaken everything I was feeling and married you.” A tear slips down my cheek.
Tanner reaches over with the pad of his thumb and wipes it away. “No. You should’ve done exactly what you did. You were right. Our futures were planned for us since birth. We never knew there were any other options. It was always you and me. You gave me a future I could choose. I’ll always love you and you’ll always be my best friend, but this was the best decision either of us could have made.”
My hands tremble and he reaches over giving them a squeeze. “It’s going to be fine, Pip. I promise.” He pulls me to my feet, and I shove my papers in my bag. He replaces the books on the shelf. “I’ll walk with you back to the dorms.”
I smile, but it never reaches my eyes. He opens the door for me, and we walk in silence. I can feel his concerned eyes on me the whole way, but I ignore it. I just need to get back to the dorms. Once we are at the dorms, he says something about meeting Mannex and disappears. A breath of relief leaves me, but the anxiety is still eating at my gut.
Chapter 7
Caelan
I hadn’t seen her since Friday, and it was probably a good thing. I had planned on pretending she didn’t exist when I heard she was back, but that didn’t happen. When I saw her sitting at the table with Tanner and Meggie, I wanted to throttle her. Then the party I walked in and she was fucked up, our eyes met, and she tried to hide. No, fuckin’ way. Then I saw that guy and her in the hall and I lost my shit. I wanted to kill that fucker. Then I said something that I knew would dig at her. Or I hoped it would anyways. The fucked-up thing is, she didn’t even defend herself. Wouldn’t even look at me. When she started crying Tanner came at me like he wanted to kill me. I can’t blame him; he really doesn’t know everything that happened. He just knows I insulted his friend. He will though. He’ll know all of it. He’ll hate me, but he’s going to hate her too.
I watch her walk across the court on the way to class and she pulls a bottle from her pocket shoving a pill in her mouth. I take a step towards her. What the fuck is she on? I stop myself because why do I care? She stops at the fountain and gets a drink of water. Her hair is pulled across one of her shoulders. I really look at her. She’s a little thicker than she was back then, but she’s still too skinny. Her hands tremble and that has me taking another step in her direction. She then disappears around the corner and I suck in a breath.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye and notice Kenzie and her minions snickering at Piper’s expense. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Kenzie’s gaze turns my direction and I try and get away before she can catch up with me. Not quiet fast enough.
“Where ya headed handsome?” Kenzie.
“Class Kenzie. You should try it sometime.” I’m a smartass what can I say.
“Wanna eat lunch with us in mess today?” she asks.
“Sure Kenz, save me a seat.” This might work in my favor.
She leans up on her tippy toes and leaves a kiss on my cheek, “See ya then babe.”
I don’t say anything else to her. My skin was crawling where she stuck her lips to my cheek.
Piper
It’s lunch time and I haven’t eaten anything in days. My stomach is growling, and the thought of food is making me nauseated. An empty stomach and the pills don’t mix. I promised Tanner and Meggie that I’d meet them in the mess hall, but I really don’t know. Just the thought of food is turning me green. I don’t know what’s going to happen when the smells are there. When I walk in the first table, I see has Kenzie and a couple other girls at the table with her. I look away quickly trying not to draw their attention. Too late. As I’m walking by Kenzie smirks, “Here a build an ass.”
Her friend chimes in, “Bitch don’t need to add to it. It’s already huge.”
I refuse to look at either of them. Meggie sees me and waves me over to the table her and Tanner and Mannex are sitting at. Carlos and LaLa join shortly after I get there. I’m quiet. Tanner gets up from the table and a few minutes later returns sliding a tray in front of me. Everyone watches as he points at the tray, “Eat.”
I stare at him rolling my eyes and to appease him I nibble on a fry. Everyone at the table is watching me and I hate the attention. The conversation starts back up. I mostly move the food around my plate, nibbling when I feel like Meggie or Tanner are looking at me too long.
“What the fuck?”
Everyone glances at Mannex and his attention is across the cafeteria. I glance over my shoulder and my breath catches in my throat when I see Caelan leaning across the table smiling brightly at Kenzie. Meggie sneers.
Mannex snarls, “What the fuck is my brother doing?”
I glance at Mannex because I’d have never guessed that he and Caelan were brothers. I glance back at him and his eyes meet me across the cafeteria just as he pulls Kenzie on his lap. He doesn’t look away as he leans forward with a smile on his face whispering in Kenzie’s ear causing her to giggle.
I turn away, my food in my stomach doing summersaults. I look up and Tanner is watching me. Tanner rolls his eyes and looks at Mannex who is grumbling about his brother being a moron. Meggie leans closer to me, “You good?”
I start gathering my things and make an excuse to leave. Leaving the tray of food, I had barely touched sitting there. I take the exit on the opposite side of the mess hall rather than the side they were sitting on. I was out of the cafeteria; I throw back a pill and head to my other classes. My stomach is in knots and I have to make a quick stop by the restroom to dry heave. I splash my face with cool water and step back into the hall.
Jaxon: You going to the game Friday, right? It’s the first game of the season! PLEASE!
How can I tell him no? How can I go? I don’t want to go, but I can’t let my brother down either. He’d be heart broken if I didn’t show.
Piper: You owe me big!
Jaxon: AWESOME!!! Can’t wait! My two favorite girls watching me play! Hell yeah!
Piper: Yeah Yeah Yeah! Love you!
Jaxon: MORE!
I lean against the wall allowing my stomach to settle and leave. Stepping into the hall I come face to face with Caelan who is smirking. He steps towards me and I nervously take a step back. His smirk turns to a glare, “You scared of me little bird?”
I glance away and he takes another step towards me, “Quick break for another pill?”
My eyes fly to him and there’s anger radiating off of him. “Wh…What?”
“Don’t act dumb, it’s beneath you.” He reaches in
my coat pocket and turns the bottle in his head reading the label. “What do you need these for?”
I try to step around him, but he throws his arm up stopping me. “What are these for?” I reach for the bottle and he pulls his hand away. I lower my head, “Can I please have my medicine?”
“What’s it for?” he growls, and I tense up. I needed to get away from him. I shove at his chest and he steps back with the bottle in his hand refusing to hand it over. I glance away and them up at him again. Then I turn and walk away leaving him with my meds. I needed them, but right now being around him was making the anxiety worse. I’ll call my doctor later and get another bottle. I’ve had that one for over a month so it’s due a refill. I can feel his eyes on my back as I make my way to class. I avoid the public areas I could possibly run into him or anyone else for that matter.
The rest of the week I avoid everyone. I went to my classes, but aside from seeing people in my classes I only saw Meggie. She brought me food on most days. I ate or I nibbled. Thursday in French Tanner flops in the desk beside me.
“Meggie says you’re not eating.” Tanner.
I roll my eyes. “I am. Meggie’s not always around.”
Tanner glances up at the instructor, “Pip, we’re your friends. We know you.”
The instructor speaks, “Okay guys. I’m going to say a sentence and I want you to repeat the sentence in French. We’ll start with something simple…. Hi, how are you.”
Everyone says, “Salut comment vas-tu?”
Tanner leans back, but he still watches me. The instructor says, “Can I help you?”
Everyone says, “Puis-je vous aider?”
This goes on for the remainder of class. I’ve been wearing long sleeve shirts all week because I’ve been out of my meds since Caelan took them Monday. My arms are red and swollen with scratches on them. When the anxiety is over-whelming I scratch. It sucks. I had never dealt with anxiety until France. I wish I could be normal again. I wish a lot of things. I picked up my second bottle on the way to school and popped one.
After my Math class that afternoon I skip the library and head straight back to the dorms. I wanted to go exploring, but it was raining. I hated the rain. It made me feel trapped. So, I spend the afternoon in the dorm rooms. I’m reading when there is a knock at the door. I get up and crack the door to Tanner smiling down at me.
I roll my eyes irritated because I know he’s here to ask questions. Questions I’m not ready to answer, but I will because I have to. It’s time. I’m going to lose him, but it’s time.
I turn around and flop down on my bed pulling the blanket back around my lap. He comes in shutting the door behind him. He pulls my desk chair over by the bed and sits in it leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands folded under his chin, “I need to know Piper. I asked him and he just got pissed and left.”
I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around my legs, “You think your ready, but its going to change everything.”
He rolls his eyes, “I can handle it. Just tell me, because you can’t move on until you talk to someone. Spit it out.”
I glance anywhere, but at him. “I’m not going to tell you everything, but I will tell you the parts that concern you. The parts that are going to make you hate me. I’m not going to tell the story again so you can tell Meggie.” I glanced up at him and he nods.
“You were gone for like a month. I forget what the trip was for, but you and Carlos were overseas somewhere. I was alone and Meggie was supposed to meet me at The Shamrock. She texted and said she wasn’t going to make it, which was fine. That’s when I met Caelan. He was there. I was at the bar nursing a drink and he took the seat beside me.” I swipe hair from my forehead. “He ordered Jack and coke. I laughed because it’s Jaxon’s drink of choice. Now that I think back, I’m almost sure he was in town seeing my brother, but I didn’t know him. We got to talking and hit it off.” I glance up at him. He looks calm and he doesn’t look like he’s judging my actions yet. I was feeling good, but I wasn’t drunk. I was second guessing getting married and he invited me back to his room. I went. We laughed, we talked, he gave my goosebumps. He made me smile.” I look up and I see the first hint of anger on his face. I look away quickly and continue, “We slept together. After that we kept in touch through texting and a few calls. He knew I was supposed to get married and stopped texting me during the last month. On the day we were supposed to get married I woke up to a text saying he wished me the best and that he hoped I was truly happy. I was a nervous fuckin’ wreck and I had been second guessing for months at that point. Then this really great guy comes along and I’m marrying someone else. I texted him at the back of the church and asked him to meet me at the altar. I don’t remember the extent of the texts, but he never showed, and I had intended on following through. I had planned on running down the aisle to you, but I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do it. I knew I loved you, but I fell for someone else. I loved him too. Anyways he never showed up and now he hates me.” I can’t bring myself to look at him. I’m staring at my hands and trembling all while fighting back tears. I can feel the anxiety rising in my stomach.
He sighs and blows out a breath, “That everything?”
I shake my head no, “The rest of the story is for him.”
He reaches forward and pushes my chin up with his finger, “I still don’t hate you. I knew there was someone else. I’m not angry, I meant what I said. You never had a choice; I never did and now we both do.”
I fly from the bed throwing my arms around his neck. He laughs as he hugs me back, “You really thought I was going to hate you?”
I nod my head quickly.
“Never gonna happen! I might beat Caelan’s ass for being a dick, but I could never hate you.” He says smiling down at me.
I shake my head, “Just let him be. I deserve it.”
He shakes his head, “No Pip. No, you don’t.”
After he leaves, I fall asleep and the dreams come like they always do.
Chapter 8
Tanner: You’re coming tonight, right?
Piper: No choice. Meggie’s not going to let me stay home. Neither is Jaxon.
Tanner: I had Carlos on standby in case you said no. lol
Piper: Haha Yes I’m going. Meggie’s trying to dress me like a super slut lol.
Tanner:
Tanner: See you after. L8R
Piper: L8R
Tanner had been a saint about the whole Caelan thing. He wasn’t mad at all. Meggie laughed and said she couldn’t believe I thought they’d hate me over it. I still think they should, but I’m not going to push it. Hell, I’m happy they still love me and I’m not alone. The conversation that needs to be had with Caelan won’t go as smooth. He already hates me. That’s my fault. Maybe if I can just stay away from him. Just get through the next couple of years without having to face him. Yeah, that’s not likely. I’d have to live like a hermit and Meggie’s not going to allow that to happen. At some point I’m going to have to tell him. Maybe I’ll wait until the last day of my last year that way I never have to see him again. I roll my eyes at my train of thought. I’m already trying to run. I shake my head trying to change my train of thought. Meggie pops her head in the bathroom, “LaLa will be here in fifteen minutes, hurry up.”
I smirk, “Almost done!”
I put makeup on for the first time in like eight months. I look at myself in the mirror pulling my hair from the messy bun and running my fingers through it. I run a brush through and then a straightener adding a couple waves. I’m looking pretty good. I smirk at myself in the mirror. I’ve got my brother’s jersey on and some ripped jeans that ride low on my hips. I noticed my pants weren’t as tight as they had been before. I step back appreciating my look in the mirror. I notice the medicine bottle on the sink and look from it and back to the mirror. Not tonight. I’m going to be fine. I don’t need it. I grab the bottle and shove it in my pocket. Walking out the bathroom I drop the bottle into my nightstand
drawer. I turn and Meggie is smiling at me, “Wow! Can I get yo number?”
I roll my eyes laughing, “Your man might not like that!” and I wink at her.
She’s laughing as she walks over to me. She grips the bottom of my brother’s jersey and ties it behind my back where it shows an inch and a half of my stomach. I suck in a breath when she steps back looking at me. I hold my breath until she whistles slow, “Hot!”
I blow out the breath I had been holding, “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Where’s LaLa?”
“On her way! I just wanted to make sure you weren’t trying to climb out the window.” Meggie.
I snort, “I’d have been more creative than that and you know it. Plus, I don’t have wings so…”
My phone rings and I answer seeing that it’s Jillian, “Hey beautiful!”
“Don’t hey me! I haven’t heard from you since you started school!” Jillian.
“Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been busy trying to get ahead so I don’t get behind.” I smile at Meggie as she takes a shot and is dancing in a circle to the music from her phone.
“Hmmm… Well…” that got my attention.
“What’s wrong?”
She laughs, “Mom’s on her way there. Something about a hospital bill from France. Said you refused to answer her calls.”
“Fuck!” then I could hear my nephews in the background. “Ohhhhh Pippy said fuck!” The other giggles and says, “Mommmmmyyyyyy Joshy said fuck!”
“Shit!” my sister says over the line. “No, no don’t say that!” as one of the boys started singing “shit like it was a verse from a song.
“Sorry! I’ll let you go take care of my future sailor nephews.” I say quickly hanging up the phone.
Meggie is looking at me grinning, “What’s up?”
I grab my ID and some cash and grab her arms locking the door behind us, “My mom is on her way here and I don’t plan on being here when she gets here. She wants to talk, and I have no intention of talking with her tonight.”
