Everything Changes

by Shey Stahl

  Parker nodded and his gaze fell to our hands that were now joined. “Yeah.”

  Now I completely understood their hesitation when speaking about their dad. No wonder no one knew what happened. That wasn’t exactly something you wanted everyone knowing.

  “So you found him?” I was still trying to wrap my mind around it. “Where was Justin?”

  “Yeah, I found him. Justin had just turned sixteen. He was probably off with his friends I assume. I don’t really remember. I just remember sitting there staring at him for the longest time wondering why he would do something like that. Was life really that bad? How could he just leave us to fend for ourselves?” He looked up at me. “We were kids, fucking kids, and he just decided he wanted out, just like our mom. I mean, Jesus, were we that horrible that they both hated us that much?”

  “I uh…what?”

  “It wasn’t a question,” he mumbled, leaning back against the rocks and then kicking his legs out to lie down.

  Following suit, I lay next to him, looking up at the stars. “I didn’t mean to bring him up.”

  “It’s all right.” He sniffed again, the action annoyed. “I’m over it.”

  Clearly, he was far from over it.

  “When did you run your first race?” It was the only thing I could think of to change the subject.

  Despite the heavy topic, Parker smiled as he remembered that desire to win and why he loved racing. “My first race was at Perris Raceway when I was ten. The track is pretty cool.” He looked over at me, propping his arm up to lean against it. “The track is carved right from the hills with huge smooth boulders randomly placed. It’s fast with a lot of jumps and elevation changes. They ran the novice and beginner classes together, so when you lined up at the gate, you lined up together. I ran the YZ 80 beginner class and won the first moto. When the second moto lined up, I won the novice class.”

  “And you were hooked?” I smiled at him, watching his eyes.

  He returned the smile. “I was hooked.” He nodded. “Every day after school I’d come home and hop on my YZ 80 and roost every inch of our five acre lot.”

  “Is racing Supercross the same for you?”

  Parker nodded. “It is. The adrenaline I get from it is unlike anything else. I’m not sure what I’m racing this next year though. I lost my ride at the end of the season last year.” He stood brushing the sand from his shorts. “Hell, it might just be a hobby from now on.”

  I’d like to say Parker let me in that summer, and he did in some ways, but I always felt like I was stuck in the waiting zone, praying he’d open up and show me that same Parker I found in the serene, peaceful light of the moon. Outside of that, in the dry air, dusty wind, and unforgiving sun, Parker wasn’t Parker; he was the version he created of himself.

  CHAPTER 5

  Rowan Jensen

  Compression Dampening

  Compression dampening controls the suspension by compressing. An adjustable valve allows a specific amount of oil through the suspension and controls the speed at which it travels through its stroke.

  June 22, 1997

  Parker and I almost fell asleep in Arches National Park watching the moon until I was sure I had been bit by a poisonous spider. He found my panic attack humorous. I did not.

  “What if it would have been poisonous?” I asked, stumbling over rocks trying to keep up with him and his long legs.

  “It wasn’t. It was a fly.”

  “Flies don’t bite,” I told him, following closely behind as we walked back to the condo, all the while imagining spiders crawling on me. “What if I needed venom sucked out of me? Is there a hospital nearby?”

  Parker laughed, turning to face me. The sandy gravel beneath his feet crunched with the twist. “Well then, I guess I’d be kissing other parts of you.” He winked, his gaze trailing south. “Where was the bite at again?”

  Suddenly I was about as shy as Parker. He noticed my shyness and chuckled.

  When we returned to the condo, Addy and Justin were locked away in his room at the other end of the hall. From the giggling, I had a feeling I didn’t want to know anything that was happening in there.

  “I’ll sleep on the floor,” Parker told me when I returned to the room after brushing my teeth and getting into my sleep shirt.

  I had no pants on, just a pair of black boy short panties. That was my first mistake that night. My second was teasing Parker, who I had thoroughly underestimated.

  “No, I won’t allow it.” Placing my hands on my hip, I acted as though I was making a presidential debate statement.

  “You don’t really have a choice.” Parker shrugged reaching for the pillow on the bed. “I like it on the floor.” Glancing down at the floor, I noticed he had a makeshift bed down there with a pillow and sleeping bag. “See, nice and comfy.”

  Don’t think for one second I missed the meaning in his words.

  “So you like it on the floor, huh?” I smiled up at him trying to hold back my laughter.

  “Uh…” He panicked, his cheeks flushed.

  “Parker, get in the damn bed.” Huffing, I pulled the covers back after climbing in, patting the side with my hand.

  He grinned. Amused, I raised my voice at him. “Fine…” He tossed his pillow back on the bed. “But please go put some pants on.”

  “Or else what?”

  “Rowan, I’m a seventeen. Don’t forget that.” His grin widened and he winked, slipping under the covers. “I can’t guarantee I’ll keep my hands to myself with temptation that close.”

  Oh. I could feel the burn in my stomach and the tingle between my legs.

  “You’re too shy for that.” Rolling over, I turned to face him with my head propped on my elbow for support.

  He followed and did the same after tossing his shirt on the floor. My eyes shot to his bare skin wanting to feel it against my own. “You know…most people think I’m shy.” He smiled, reaching up to touch the side of my heated cheek. “I’m not shy. I just don’t have a lot to say.”

  “Can I kiss you?” Word vomit returned.

  “You don’t have to ask.” His eyes focused on my lips. His voice was rough, just above a whisper. “You can kiss me any time you want.”

  Pressing my lips to his, I sighed as the warmth hit me. “I may never stop. You’re too good at it.”

  “By all means, don’t stop.” He chuckled, pulling me across the sea of white sheets. For the first time, my body was flush with his as his fingers slid tentatively up my shirt towards my breasts.

  We just started talking and now we were half-naked in bed together heading for third base.

  Maybe that was our first mistake. We rushed everything, but it wasn’t our last. We were both seventeen. We had desires and wants, hormonal desires and wants. There was a fire between us that was evident from the start. Anybody could see that. Between that fire and us was what we wanted and what we really needed. However, we couldn’t see it. Our eyes were filled with the burning flames which clouded our rational judgment.

  My leg slid over his thigh as his hand came down to pull it up. He rolled us so he was between my legs, leaning over me. His kisses were urgent, alternating from rough and passionate to slow and focused.

  “I can’t get close enough,” he mumbled, covering my body with his. He growled in frustration and shifted his hips in line with mine.

  I wanted to yell, “Oh yeah, right there!” but didn’t.

  Unconsciously, I moaned when I felt his erection slide against my inner thigh and rest between my legs. Yes, this was the first time I’d felt a penis before. Sure, it was covered by the thin material of his board shorts, but it was hard to miss. For seventeen, he had something to brag about.

  The hormonal teenagers played their roles well as we rolled around in the bed, neither of us wanting the pleasure to stop but wanting relief at the same time. Being seventeen and never having a boyfriend before, I had no idea what I was doing. He displayed the same apprehension.

  “This feels like
we shouldn’t be doing this. Should I stop?” His hips shifted again. The friction caused a blissful sensation to shoot through me, like lava coating me. It was a burn I was sure only Parker could quench.

  With every move he made, his muscles flexed. His breathing gave him away. He wanted this.

  My body involuntarily twitched. My legs wrapped around his waist, allowing his hips to settle right where I wanted him. Parker’s right hand moved from the pillow beside my head and cupped my cheek, pulling my mouth to his. After a moment, his eager lips moved to my neck, sucking, licking, and biting before he moved again. This time the lava must have plagued him too. His hips lurched forward, his arms wrapping around me securely as he grunted.

  “Fuck, Rowan.”

  His grip was tight as he pushed against me. Then he stopped.

  Gasping and nearly choking on his own breath, he spoke. “I’m sorry…” He pulled back, resting on his elbows, trying to catch his breath. “I didn’t mean to attack you.”

  “It’s okay. I wasn’t complaining.” I smiled, running my shaking hands over the sharp defined ridges of his shoulders.

  He smiled down at me and it seemed unguarded again. “Should we stop?”

  I really didn’t want too. Call me crazy but that felt too good not to keep going. I wasn’t sure I was ready for sex, but I wanted more of those feelings.

  “Do you…uh…” He looked confused and scared shitless that I might actually want to have sex with him. And at that point, I wouldn’t say I was opposed to it. Regardless, it was a little soon for that. “Do you want me to keep going?”

  I needed to take control for both of us. Parker looked completely confused. “I’m not saying we check my oil, but this feels good. Let’s see what happens.” I shrugged feeling the burn creep across my cheeks, neck, and chest.

  “Check your oil?” He smirked, eyes sparkling as his mouth explored the heat of my skin.

  “Oh shut up.” I slapped at his shoulder. “I spend too much time around mechanics.” Pulling his lips back to mine, we continued. Lips, tongues, hands, and hips went wild as we gave in. Parker stopped again when his hands slipped to my ass, his fingers moving the fabric when he squeezed. “You know when you said let’s see what happens?” His lips slid across my neck as he spoke. Wet and delicious, it caused my entire body to break out in goose bumps. Stupid neurons giving me away.

  “Yeah?”

  “Well, I’m almost certain something is about to happen if we don’t stop this.” His head fell forward to rest on my shoulder, his breathing even more ragged and distorted than before. I could feel the muscles in his back tense, bracing himself, his body shaking as he tried to remain still.

  “Oh,” I simply said, and then it dawned on me. When I giggled, my body shook in a manner that once again caused friction below. He pulled away. “Ohhhh…”

  He meant…oh right…

  “I could…” I gulped “...take care of that for you.”

  Listen to yourself, you hooker. You called Addy a slut earlier today, and now here you are, dry humping a boy you finally spoke to for the first time two weeks ago. Clearly, you’re no role model.

  Parker didn’t say a damn thing, just a blank stare. Did he think I was kidding?

  He shifted away, rolling to the side. His hands found his hair. “I don’t know, Rowan…this just feels like we’re rushing into this.” Parker’s eyes squeezed shut, his breathing increasing again when I bit down on my lip.

  “Oh.”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to do something about it…fuck.” He let out a deep sigh, gesturing south to the hardness between us. “I want that…badly. But…I don’t want you to think less of me. I just kissed you for the first time last night...” his eyes opened, searching mine “...now here I am wanting to have sex with you…right now.”

  Why wait? I trusted him. I didn’t know him, but I did trust him. Again, why wait?

  In a very bold move, my hand reached between us and grasped him inside his shorts. It must have been the hormones because this was not something I would have ordinarily done.

  Parker’s body jerked at the contact, his hands instinctively rose to stop me, and then he sighed as I stroked him once, as if he let go of the reluctance he had.

  His skin was soft and warm and incredibly hard. Everywhere I touched him felt like stone. He helped me out by pulling down his shorts, but the room was too dark for me to really see him. I only made a couple slow motions before his hand returned, stopping me.

  “You first,” he whispered, hovering over me once again. “Have you ever had an orgasm before?”

  He gestured between us as his naked body pressed against me, once again sliding across my damp panties. It wasn’t lost on me that here was a shy guy, but he was completely okay with being naked.

  I started to feel strange. I gave my parents a reason to trust me, and now here I was nearly naked. Was that wrong of me?

  The sensations, oh the sweet blissful sensations, returned. I moaned as he moved against me, sliding between my legs with ease from the moisture created.

  “Have you?”

  Shy with nerves, I nodded.

  “What do you like?”

  I let out a soft moan as I released the breath I was holding. My hips rose slightly when his hand went between my legs. “I like that.”

  His soft grunts as his hand explored a place no one had been before relaxed me. He didn’t make me feel like what we were doing was wrong in any way. Instead, he made me comfortable and safe.

  “Like that?” His hand moved again.

  I nodded when his fingers found the right spot and began their slow movements.

  Parker was literally gasping for breaths, his lips searching for mine, tasting and teasing, his hips moving against the side of my thigh searching for some kind of friction.

  When it happened, I saw stars and fairy dust and unicorns. My brain felt like pure mush. The warm lava spreading through me settled nicely throughout my entire body, his warm skin like hot coals burning against me.

  Parker didn’t say anything when I rolled to the side and reached between his legs.

  Once I regained some composure and my hands found his sensitive skin, I stroked him once again. He let out a shaky moan similar to before, only this time his hips moved forward, forcing my hand down again. With the light of the moon peeking into his room, I could see that his eyes were closed, his mouth parted slightly.

  “Show me what you like,” I suggested.

  He waited a moment and then moved my hand in a slightly different direction. “You can…uh…squeeze a little harder.” I did. “Fuck…” he moaned, gritty with need, his back arching as his eyes closed.

  I smiled. The sight of me giving Parker, a boy I’d fantasized about for months, an orgasm was something I wanted to last forever.

  “Is this okay?” I asked against his shoulder, trying to hide my burning cheeks, which I was sure he could feel. “Am I doing it right?”

  His breathing was labored but he managed to speak eventually. “Yes.” His breath caught when I increased my speed. It spurred me on and I became determined in my efforts. Parker’s body tensed, his legs straightening as he prepared himself. I had nothing to go on. I only knew what it felt like for me.

  He only lasted another thirty seconds before he was grunting, his body jerking slightly just about the time a warm liquid spread over my hand.

  So that’s what happens.

  Parker was still breathing heavy but relaxed beside me with a heavy sigh. He turned his head, his lips pressing softly to my forehead.

  “I’ll be right back,” he whispered before slipping inside the bathroom attached to his room.

  I sat there staring at my hand for a minute and then smiled. Regardless of the mess, I was with Parker O’Neil intimately! Fist pumping the air was almost necessary.

  With his shorts back on, he brought out a warm wash cloth and handed it to me so I could clean off my hand. Then I fell back against the bed with a smile and burning ch
eeks.

  Part of me felt guilty. Part of me thought maybe we should have thought twice before doing this, but we didn’t have sex. We just made each other feel good. There was nothing wrong with that, right?

  “Are you okay?” he asked softly, pulling me against him once again.

  Feeling the slow steady rhythm of his breathing calmed the anxiety I felt.

  With my back to him, I felt comfortable talking, almost as comfortable as I did under the moon. My eyes remained on the white wall in front of me, searching the cracks for an answer. “I don’t want you to think I do this with all guys.”

  “I know you don’t. You’ve never look at anyone the way you look at me.”

  Turning over in his arms, I watched his smile grow. “You knew I liked you?”

  So much for being conspicuous. There goes your career as a detective.

  “I thought you knew how I felt.” His fingertips brushed my hair from my neck, no longer confined in a messy bun. “I hoped you would have noticed sooner.”

  “I wish I would have.”

  June 23, 1997

  Embarrassment didn’t do it justice when I thought about how I felt the next morning. The sunlight overshadowed the moons reprieve, and I felt naked, even though I nearly was, only more so—vulnerable. I was nervous over what his reaction would be today. After we had kissed, he clammed up and didn’t speak to me for a day. What would I be faced with now?

  I thought about how easy it was for Parker and me physically, in the sense that we could be intimate through kisses and touches, but neither one of us could openly speak about our feelings or what was happening between us. When we touched, our bodies spoke for us in ways our lips couldn’t.

  When I rolled over, groggy from sleep, Parker was gone.

  A part of me panicked thinking maybe he ran away. The other part of me was disappointed he wasn’t there to comfort me. It was something I’d spend years searching for from him and never receive. He wasn’t capable of providing the comfort I needed.

  Instead, Parker was with Justin, outside on his dirt bike in the hills behind the condo. Flashes of yellow blurred past the windows as Parker sped up a hill and threw the bike sideways, turning on the front wheel with the back tire vertical, one leg kicked out. Then he whipped around and slid down that same hill while balancing precariously on the front tire, his left leg kicked out as he balanced himself.