Everything Changes

by Shey Stahl

  In my five year career in the AMA Supercross and outdoor Motocross, I had nine championships under my belt. I was the best rider in the sport right now with the most wins.

  That all ended under the lights of Edison International field in Anaheim, my home track.

  During the introductions, while they played 50 Cents’ In Da Club, I did a few tricks—the standard shit that got the crowd on their fucking feet and primed for a night of racing and bar banging action. Grabbing a handful of throttle, my 450 screamed as I soared through the air landing a double. Then I went for the triple. That was when it went wrong. The bike sputtered, lost power, and nosedived.

  My body hit the ground, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the emergency room.

  When they told me about my injuries, I knew what that meant. My career as a professional Supercross racer was over. I knew what that wreck signified for me, what no other mishap in my career ever had—the beginning of the end.

  This was the life I chose. The career I chose, over her, and it was over.

  CHAPTER 20

  Rowan Jensen

  Hairpin

  A hairpin is a tight corner that usually doubles back on itself and tests the rider’s control and reflexes.

  January 6, 2002

  Anaheim, CA – SPEED NEWS

  Parker Aaron O’Neil, Supercross/Motocross champion and freestyle Motocross racer, was airlifted to a local hospital from injuries suffered during a crash Saturday night at the season opener in Anaheim for the 2002 AMA Supercross. O’Neil, a Long Beach resident, is reported to be in a medically induced coma at Cedar-Sinai with swelling of the brain and a possible spinal cord injury. Nicknamed “Pitbull” because of his tenacity on a motorcycle, O’Neil was injured after failing to fully rotate a back-flip variation while soaring some one hundred feet in the air. He slammed headfirst into the dirt on the down-slope. The trick involved extending the body away from the motorcycle and grabbing the seat as the motorcycle is upside down, then pulling back aboard as the motorcycle is righted before landing. O’Neil clearly had trouble getting back on the seat, and some witnesses said the bike sputtered and that may have been a factor. O’Neil, who was born in Canoga Park in 1980, had been riding motorcycles since he was three and turned pro at fourteen. He was coming off his most successful year in 2001 having won four back-to-back Supercross Championships and three back-to-back outdoor Motocross championships. He won an X-Games gold medal in the freestyle Motocross competition last summer and followed it up with an Australian Supercross Championship over the winter. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.”

  That was the announcement made by the American Motorcycle Association. After reading it, I cried.

  The moment I actually saw the crash on the television, I called Kurt. “Is he okay?”

  Enormous tears sat heavy on my lids as I watched the replay, my bottom lip trembling when I saw his lifeless body lying in the dirt.

  “I’m not sure, Rowan. They airlifted him to Cedar-Sinai. Have you seen Justin? He’s not answering his cell phone.” The panic in his voice was evident. He was scared. “Jack and Michelle just arrived. They’re asking for you too.”

  “Addy and Justin are in Seattle for the weekend with Bryce.” Bryce was their one-year-old son.

  “What happened? Was it because of our argument?” I hated to think that I had caused this, but we had just been fighting and who knew if that affected him in the race. My stomach was in knots, and I thought for sure at any moment I was going to vomit.

  “No, his bike sputtered when he was going for a jump. It had nothing to do with you.” Kurt’s tone seemed off but given the circumstances, I understood he was scared. “You should come…” Kurt said. “He would want you to come.”

  I shook my head and the motion set the tears loose, sending them down my cheeks. I wanted to run to Parker so bad. I wanted to be there with him every step of the way and see that he was all right.

  Kurt knew our situation, our arrangement, our whatever. He knew what had happened in Anaheim before the race. He’d known for years since he was the one arranging flights for Parker and I so we could continue whatever it was we had. He was also the one that drove me back to the airport the other night when I cried the entire way.

  “I can’t.” My voice was muffled from the tears. The thought of him hanging on to life in the hospital and it was tearing me apart, more so the fact that I couldn’t make myself go to him when I was sure I was the one person he needed right now. “I can’t see him like that.”

  “See him like that?” Kurt was quiet and all I heard was a heavy sigh. “Rowan, please don’t break his heart.” He was begging. “Not now.”

  “I can’t Kurt…” I was hurting too. “I just can’t…” Maybe I was being stupid, maybe we had been stupid, but I couldn’t go.

  “It’s a bullshit excuse and you know it,” he said before hanging up.

  It was a bullshit excuse. I knew that. It was me being stupid as usual.

  I called Addy after that and then watched every news station and the AMA website for anything related to his injury. They all indicated the same thing. A medical induced coma for swelling to his brain, a broken neck, a spinal cord injury, a separated shoulder, facial fractures, broken ribs, a punctured lung, a broken left arm, and a ruptured spleen. He was not okay, that was for sure.

  “Why don’t you go to him, Rowan?” Addy asked, her tears muffling her words. “He needs you right now. Justin just booked a flight. He can pick you up tomorrow morning.”

  “I can’t do it, Addy. If I see him like that, I won’t leave him.” I was trying to make her see what that would do to me, but it was me that couldn’t see. I never saw the situation for what it was. My own stupidity and excuses were the reasons why I couldn’t have Parker.

  “And what’s the problem with not leaving? He loves you, you love him. Why do you guys do this to each other?”

  That was when I shut down.

  It ripped my heart out when I wasn’t with him, but after Anaheim I just couldn’t put myself through that anymore. I had to move on as bad as that hurt. I told myself that but I didn’t exactly believe it.

  Kurt, though I didn’t deserve it, sent me updates over the next few hours and days. All of which I hid from Sean.

  “Hey, Ro?” Sean called out one evening after they’d performed the second surgery on Parker’s neck and spinal cord. My composure was barely there. I cringed when he said Ro. I hated the feeling that crept into my bones because Parker called me that. Every time Sean called me that, I wanted it to be Parker.

  “Yeah?” Slipping my phone into my pocket, I tried to make it appear like I wasn’t just crying.

  “Are you okay?” I imagined he was pressing his ear to the door of our bedroom. For the last year, we had been living together.

  “Yeah, Sean, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Once again, to avoid being caught with feelings I wasn’t allowed to have any longer, I put up the front I was so good at. I felt like I had this weight on me, one that was slowing crushing me, and sooner or later I wouldn’t be able to walk without stumbling to the ground and stumbling came sooner than I would have liked.

  CHAPTER 21

  Rowan Jensen

  Fade

  This happens when a rider gets worn and fades to the back.

  June 13, 2002

  Months passed and I stayed in Shelton following Parker’s recovery through Kurt and Justin. I stalked them, and the internet, in hopes that I could be closer to Parker, a place I couldn’t be physically. And though I didn’t deserve to know, they kept me updated.

  I couldn’t walk away completely for the same reason Parker didn’t walk away when he found out I was dating Sean.

  I wanted to be there for him, but if Sean saw me leave, he’d know why I was leaving. After I saw Parker in Washougal last July, I told myself I wasn’t going to continue to put myself through it. The night before his injury in Anaheim, I had a conversation with Kayla. S
he told me they were together when we weren’t and it made me realize how childish we were being. I wasn’t a pro ho and refused to be treated like some girl who was just readily available, even though I was. How was it fair to him that I was technically with another man when I wasn’t with him?

  When I left the morning of the season opener and he crashed, I felt guilty. Had he been distracted by me? I knew that could have been the case, but I also knew his bike had sputtered—something he had no control over. I had told myself it was over between us, so I thought. The reality was it could never be over for us, not when the connection between us was so strong that we flew hundreds of miles to see one another just for one night, holding out hope that someday things would change.

  Parker went through months of physical therapy, sometimes ten hours a day, and he was told he would never ride professionally again. I wasn’t so much a believer in that. The Parker O’Neil I knew wouldn’t take that for an answer.

  It was now mid-June, six months after Parker’s wreck, and I was engaged to be married. I wanted to move on and finally do something with my life.

  Sean asked and I said yes. Sean was a nice guy, he really was, and more importantly, our life together was stable. He didn’t have to leave every few weeks for a race nor did he have other women throwing themselves at him. We were normal. Our life was normal.

  Inside, I was dying a little every day. Every fiber of my being longed for Parker. My body longed for his hands that no matter how much time had gone by. I missed the way he pulled me close, and whenever I thought I couldn’t get any closer, he found a way to make me feel as though we were one. I constantly found myself imagining that valley of red rocks and the pale moonlight—a place I knew, a place where I felt I was the only one for him. Most of all, it was his smell that I searched for, the rich honey and cinnamon of him because it was what I always remembered days after our departure from each other. Every time I would think of him, it was almost as if I could literally smell Parker.

  Now, all of that was replaced with someone that wouldn’t hurt me. Sean.

  The problem was I couldn’t give myself to Sean completely. I’d agreed to marry him, but I hadn’t had sex with him. I couldn’t. Not when my body, mind, soul, and heart belonged to Parker.

  Sean seemed to understand but he did push the issue a time or two, and we did come close more often than I would have liked. He thought I was one of those girls who was saving herself for marriage, but deep down, he knew that was a lie too because he knew I had been with Parker. What kind of guy bought into that line of bullshit?

  Well, Sean did.

  July 9, 2002

  I thought about Parker a lot. And for a girl who was supposedly getting married, it didn’t seem healthy. But still, there I was, committing myself to someone else.

  I wondered how he was recovering, how he was feeling, if he thought of me and who was with him. Was he with Kayla or some other girl?

  The thoughts made me crazy at times, and I had to get away. Thankfully, work kept me busy. Then again, it wasn’t that great of a distraction because I was constantly thinking about my time spent with Parker in that shop.

  It was a few weeks before the wedding. My dad walked into the office where I was closing out estimates and filing purchase orders. He leaned against my desk, his arms crossed over his chest. “Rowan, I need you to get this paperwork started here. I’m gonna have a guy help us out for about a month. We won’t make it through the summer without some help, that’s for sure.”

  Without looking up, I reached for the paperwork while balancing about five files on my lap. “Sure.”

  “You might want to look at that.” He nodded to the file I tossed aside.

  “I will, later. I’m supposed to meet Sean tonight for dinner with his parents.”

  “Rowan, you should take a look at that before dinner.”

  “Fine, Dad,” I snapped, reaching for it. “What is so important that I ca—”

  Closing my eyes, I felt the tears spill. He hired Parker.

  I knew about the wreck. I knew about the injury. I knew about the physical therapy. I knew about the recovery and the announcement that at twenty-one, in the peak of his career, Parker’s racing career was over. He would never again throw a leg over a bike professionally.

  What I wasn’t expecting was for him to come back home. When he was living in Anaheim, I thought for sure he’d stay there. He had a life there. Why would he come back to a small town when he was no longer small town? He was Parker O’Neil, nine time Supercross/Motocross champion. What could possibly draw him here again?

  Me.

  “You didn’t think he’d give you up that easily, did you, sweetie?” my dad asked, attempting to comfort me by rubbing my back.

  “I know…it’s just that…I can’t be what he needs. Now, with Sean…” I sighed, feeling tears surfacing. “Dad, how could you hire him?”

  “What was I supposed to do, Ro? He was the best mechanic I’ve ever had, and he needed a favor.”

  “A favor?”

  “Yes...” he gave me a nod “...a favor.”

  “And what was that?”

  “Ah, honey, you’re my daughter but I can’t tell you that. Let’s just say I gave him an opportunity. It’s up to him to do the rest.”

  He left me wondering. I think he was spending too much time with my mom and her cryptic language because ever since Parker’s accident, my dad was just acting as strange.

  Sean showed up after that to take me to his parent’s house in Montesano. As we were walking out of the shop, a familiar voice caught my attention in the shop.

  Parker. He stood leaning against a Mustang talking to Ben and Joey. As he leaned against the car, he looked different: older, worn, skinner. He still looked good with the same shock of chocolate brown hair—only it was shorter now, buzzed close to his head—and tan skin, but he looked as though he’d been through hell. Knowing everything he’d gone through, it was justified.

  Still not knowing I was there, he let out a laugh at something Ben rattled off.

  My heart sputtered, as did my footing, and I tripped over an air hose. Sean, who had walked in behind me, helped me up before Joey laughed.

  “It’s been a few months since your last fall in here,” Joey teased, his dingy overalls pulled down to his waist revealing his white t-shirt that was covered in coffee stains because he could never get anything into his loud obnoxious mouth without spilling it on himself. “I was beginning to think maybe getting engaged had mellowed you out.”

  I hated Joey with every fiber of my being at that moment because Parker had heard him.

  Parker’s eyes shot up to mine, both confused and reassured that I was there, but they also held something else.

  “Hey, Parker,” I said, greeting him.

  He smiled softly but the action didn’t touch his eyes. It was more of a reflex, forced. He didn’t say anything before turning back to Ben to continue their conversation.

  I felt my heart in my throat when he turned around without saying anything. I knew me never calling and what happened in Anaheim was still on his mind.

  “Hey, Ro,” Sean said, leaning into me, his eyes on Parker who had turned around again. He squinted as if trying to make out the scene in front of him. “I need to go call my parent’s and have them meet us at the restaurant.” He reached out and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, crouching to look into my eyes. “Meet me in the car?”

  “All right, I just need to lock the office,” I said to Sean, hands shaking, my eyes shifting towards Parker and then Ben who just smiled. I offered Joey a glare.

  I wasn’t gone for more than a minute when I smelled the honey and cinnamon I loved. The pull to him was just as strong. My body felt like it’d been shocked with the way my nerves jumped.

  “You’re marrying him?” His voice was sharp and accusing.

  “I uh...Parker, I...” I turned to face him “...I’m…” My breath came out in a gasp when I saw how close he was now.

&nb
sp; Shit.

  “I never meant to hurt you.” It was all I could think to say. I never meant to hurt him, I didn’t.

  His cold eyes, eyes I didn’t know, glowered in the dark hallway. “Don’t worry about it. Message received loud and clear.” He turned sharply on his heal and walked away. “You made your decision it sounds like. I’m fine by the way. Thanks for checking on me in the hospital!”

  Yep, felt like an ass.

  “It’s not like that!” I yelled after him, feeling like a complete loser.

  He threw his hand up still walking away.

  “No, actually it is,” he barked over his shoulder.

  It had been a while since I’d since Parker angry. I quickly remembered how much I hated that side, but it was the first time I’d warranted the reaction.

  I was hardly in any condition to have dinner with Sean’s parents that night, so being the complete bitch I was these days, I faked the stomach flu and drove myself home from Montesano, leaving Sean there. I didn’t exactly leave him. He was supposed to go away for the weekend with his dad as some sort of father/son bonding thing before the wedding.

  On the drive home, I thought of nothing but Parker and our entire situation. I was pissed at my dad, Joey, Sean, Parker, and myself most of all. All these years I had been so stupid about the situation. I had the power to change it. I had the power to do the right thing but I never did.

  I didn’t know where else to go, so I drove out to the same spot out by the mill I always went to find refuge and maybe an answer to any of this. I found neither.

  What I did find was one the one person who didn’t want to see me. Parker.

  “What are you doing here?” a familiar cold voice asked when I sat down beside him on the bed of his truck. Deep down, I think my mind knew he’d be up here and she took me there.

  “I wanted you to hear me.” It was the only thing I could think to say to him right then. “You weren’t listening.”