Autumn's Awakening

by Irene Brand

  Dear God, she prayed as she contemplated the enormity of the pain she’d caused so many people, what can I do to make restitution? All these years I’ve been dwelling on what my loved ones did to me and finding it hard to forgive them, and now I realize I was the worst offender.

  That afternoon, as Autumn returned from a call, she remembered another scripture from the Sermon on the Mount that Pastor Elwood had quoted in his message on forgiveness: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

  Autumn pulled the truck over to the side of the road, and bowed her head on the steering wheel. “God, I forgive them. I forgive Nathan for rejecting me. I forgive Mother for dominating my life. I forgive Daddy for not supporting me in my choice of a vocation. God, I brought most of these problems on myself. I forgive all of those who have trespassed against me.”

  The cleansing tears of repentance flooded her face and her spirit. A long time later, she lifted her head, wiped away the moisture from her face and anticipated the future with new determination. The misery was gone from her heart. Whatever happened she could make a life for herself. With or without Nathan and her family, she’d set her foot on the right path and she intended to continue that way. She would take the first steps of forgiveness and leave the results to God.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Intending to follow the direction the Holy Spirit was leading, Autumn telephoned Pastor Elwood on Monday morning.

  “Pastor,” she said, “your Sunday message spoke to me loud and clear. I’ve hurt a lot of people, and I want to make restitution. How much do you know about my past?”

  “I don’t listen to comments about a person unless they’re positive, but my wife has heard that you left home several years ago and your family hadn’t heard from you until you returned a few weeks ago. When a person wants to talk about her problems, I listen, but I don’t like secondhand information.”

  Believing that her mother would be the worst hurdle in her path to forgiveness, Autumn said, “I need to seek reconciliation with my family. For years I’ve blamed them for how they’d wronged me, and they did to some extent, but I realize now it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I’ve achieved some rapport with my mother and sister since I’ve been here, and I want to start with them. But I’m too much of a coward to face them alone. Will you go with me to see them?”

  “Certainly. When shall we go?”

  “How about tomorrow morning at ten o’clock? Trina can handle the clinic by herself for a few hours, and my mother is more able to receive visitors in the morning. Her health is poor.”

  “I know. I’ve called at their home several times, but Mrs. Weaver wouldn’t receive me. I’ll be happy to go with you tomorrow. I’ll stop by the clinic and pick you up.”

  Autumn knew it would be a long evening as she pondered how her mother would react to her visit. She wanted to talk to Nathan and get his prayer support. She tried to telephone him and was disappointed when he didn’t answer. Leaving Trina and Dolly watching television with Miss Olive, Autumn put on tennis shoes and started out for a walk, wandering aimlessly down the street.

  Walking head down, deep in thought, she’d gone several blocks when a red pickup drew up beside her.

  “Lost?” Nathan said as he rolled down the truck’s window.

  “No. Moody! What are you doing in town?”

  “Going shopping. Want to go along?”

  “Might as well,” she said, and walked to the right side of the pickup. He held the door open for her. As he started the car forward, she said, “Where are you going?”

  “To the shopping center. There’s a sale on lightbulbs. I must need to replace twenty or more. I’ve been too busy with haying and getting Beauty ready for competition to take care of little things. If I don’t replace bulbs in the house and the farm buildings soon, I’ll be wandering around in the dark.”

  “How much of that big house do you use?”

  “The kitchen, bedroom and bath. There are four big rooms upstairs, and four downstairs besides two large hallways. I probably haven’t been upstairs for six months. It’s too big a house for one person.”

  “Your uncle lived there alone, didn’t he?”

  “Yes, after his mother died. I’ve always wondered what it would have been like to grow up on a farm like that, but my grandmother divorced her husband, moved away and had nothing more to do with the Hollands. Uncle Matt’s mother was the second wife.”

  “And he never married?” Autumn asked.

  Nathan shook his head as he slowed down in traffic heading for the shopping district. “It’s too bad he didn’t marry and have a family to inherit his property, but if he had, I’d not be living there.” He paused. “The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about myself. I’m almost thirty. If I want to have a family, I should marry soon, but I’m not sure I can afford to get married. How about you, Autumn? You ever thought about having children?”

  She couldn’t suppress a burst of laughter. If he was leading up to a proposal, he was certainly making a botch of it. At least his words had pulled her out of the doldrums.

  When she laughed, he looked at her reproachfully.

  “I was being serious!”

  “I know, but your comments were ludicrous! No. I’ve given very little thought to having children. It’s more satisfactory to have a husband, or at least the prospects of one, before contemplating a family.”

  “Well, if you did have a husband or the prospects of one, would you want children?”

  “Yes,” she said simply. As he pulled into the parking lot of the shopping center, she dared to say, “But about being able to afford a wife, I’ve always heard that two can live as cheap as one.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  “No,” she said and laughed again. The trend of this conversation made her lighthearted. “But if you chose a wife who was earning a salary, your economic problem wouldn’t be so serious.”

  “That’s true,” he agreed. “Something to think about.”

  Don’t take forever, she thought. Ray comes home soon.

  After Nathan bought the lightbulbs, they walked to a shop, ordered double-dipped cones of chocolate ice cream and sat on an outside bench to eat them.

  “What made you moody?” he asked when they got in the truck and started toward the Wheeler residence.

  “I’m going to see my mother tomorrow. I’m taking Pastor Elwood with me, and I hope to be reconciled with my mother. Sunday morning’s sermon nudged me in that direction. Please pray for me, Nathan. I’m nervous about the way it will turn out.”

  “I’ll do that. I believe when God prompts us to some action, the Holy Spirit goes with us, or before us, to intercede for us. You’ll be all right. Let me know how it turns out,” he said as he stopped in front of the Wheeler house. He leaned forward and kissed her.

  “I’m pleased you asked me to go with you,” she said. “I dreaded the long evening. Were you looking for me, by any chance?”

  “Yeah. I drove by the clinic and Dolly told me you’d gone for a walk. Now that we don’t have to work on the cart, are you going to stop coming to the farm?”

  “Not if I’m invited.”

  “You have a standing invitation. Come when you want to. It’s not very convenient for me to come to see you, with Trina, Dolly and Miss Olive present.”

  She held up her lips for another kiss and stepped out of the truck, more lighthearted than she’d been two hours ago.

  Autumn telephoned the next morning and told Summer that she would be out for a visit. She didn’t mention her purpose in coming.

  “Daddy is in Columbus today,” Summer said in a pleasant voice, “so this will be a good time for you to come. Mother’s pretty good this morning.”

  It was a relief to know she wouldn’t have to face both her mother and father the same day.

  When the time neared for Pastor Elwood to arrive, with
nervous fingers, Autumn took off the smock she’d been wearing in surgery and straightened the blouse and slacks she wore. As she applied a light coat of makeup and brushed her hair, Autumn said to Trina, “A lot hinges on this visit. Pray for me.”

  “I will. I’ve been praying for your reconciliation with the family for years because I could see how it was tearing you up inside. Every Christmas, when I’d go home to be with my family, I knew what a bleak holiday you spent.”

  “That wasn’t your fault. You tried to get me to go with you.” Taking Trina’s hand, Autumn said, “Trina, I don’t know how I ever found such a good friend as you’ve been to me. Have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?”

  “Sure, lots of times, and that goes both ways,” Trina answered with a broad smile that soon faded into a serious expression. “But, remember, Autumn,” Trina continued, and she gave Autumn a quick hug when Pastor Elwood drove into the clinic’s parking lot, “your mother may continue in her unforgiving ways, but even if she does, you’ve done your part. All you can do is sincerely ask to be forgiven, and if your parents won’t forgive you, you can’t make them. God can still give you peace of heart as long as you’ve been obedient to His commands.”

  “I don’t know how long we’ll be gone,” Autumn said as she opened the door.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of the clinic.”

  Summer looked surprised when Autumn showed up at the door with Pastor Elwood, but she didn’t refuse to let him enter. When Autumn started an introduction, Summer said, “I know who he is.”

  Elwood looked with interest at the spacious house with its antique furniture accumulated by several generations of Weavers as he followed Summer and Autumn down the hallway to Clara’s bedroom. “This is a beautiful house. Has your family always lived here?”

  “It was built by our great-grandfather,” Summer said, “and our parents have lived here all of their married lives.”

  “It’s where my two sisters and I grew up,” Autumn said.

  “You must have had a pleasant childhood in such surroundings.”

  “Yes. Yes, we did,” Summer said, and her eyes met Autumn’s, “but I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have.”

  “We were a close family when we were children, surrounded by the love of our parents. Sometimes, I’m sorry we had to grow into adults,” Autumn added wryly, and Summer nodded in agreement.

  Clara was plainly startled when they entered the room with the preacher.

  “Mother,” Autumn said, “I brought a friend with me. This is Elwood Donahue, the minister at the church Trina and I attend.”

  “I’d heard you’d turned religious.”

  Autumn winced at the sarcastic tone, but she was determined she wouldn’t let her mother’s attitude sidetrack her from her purpose.

  “Good morning, Mr. Donahue,” Clara continued, cordially enough. “Bring an extra chair, Summer.”

  Sunbeams filtered into the room through white miniblinds and lace curtains. A potpourri pot simmered on the dresser wafting an aroma of blooming lilacs around the room. Clara loved lilacs, and she’d planted a large grove of them near the white gazebo in the backyard. How thoughtful of Summer to provide her mother’s favorite scent! Autumn looked at her sister with new appreciation. Even if Summer sometimes resented the role forced upon her, she was doing what she could to bring comfort to her mother. Summer had always been the most compassionate of the sisters.

  When Elwood was seated in the platform rocker that Summer pushed close to Clara, Autumn sat on the floor beside her mother’s chair. Praying for guidance in choosing the right words, she said, “Mother, it’s true I have become religious, if you mean that I now have the desire for God and his Son, Jesus, to be the central focus of my life. For eighteen years, you and Daddy had been my focal point, had nurtured me and made my decisions. When I left home, I had nothing to cling to. I felt as lost as a sailor must feel when he’s shipwrecked on an island. Everything that had sustained me was gone.”

  Clara sat ramrod straight and lifted her hand. “Autumn, I really don’t want to hear this.”

  “Mother, I have to get it off my mind and heart. Please listen.”

  Clara lowered the forbidding hand and settled back in her chair.

  “When I was separated from all of my loved ones, I remembered Bert and Spring, and what strength they had—how they’d given up everything to serve God. The time Spring came home from college and told us she’d become a Christian, I hardly knew what she meant, but I could tell she was different. Different from what she’d been before and certainly different from the rest of us. After leaving home, I felt so lost and desolate, and since I’d cut myself off from you and Daddy, I wanted the peace and comfort my sister had found. Trina’s family showed me the way to find it.”

  With her mother staring at Autumn with a stormy expression on her face, it was difficult for her to continue. She looked at Summer, who nodded encouragingly.

  “My spiritual growth has been slow. It’s hard for me to trust anybody, even God, to guide and provide for me. Yesterday, when Pastor Elwood preached a sermon on forgiveness, I realized what was standing in my way of becoming the confident, vibrant Christian I want to be.”

  She paused, reached for Clara’s hand and caressed it. Clara jerked her hand out of Autumn’s grasp. Autumn couldn’t remember that Clara had ever embraced her daughters or kissed them after they were old enough to start school, nor did she encourage her daughters to demonstrate affection toward her. She hadn’t realized how much that had deprived her until she’d become acquainted with Trina’s family, who were always hugging and kissing one another.

  “I’ve come today to ask you to forgive me for the worry and pain I’ve caused you.”

  “Get up off the floor and stop being so foolish!” Clara said in a strong voice, almost as commanding as the tone she’d employed in disciplining her daughters. “Weavers do not ask for forgiveness. We do what we think best and let the chips fall where they will.”

  Autumn shook her head stubbornly. “This Weaver needs to ask for forgiveness. I behaved very badly when I left Greensboro. My only excuse is that I hadn’t matured much at eighteen, and I acted like a spoiled brat when I couldn’t have what I wanted. I’ve wondered why I ever agreed to come back as Ray’s helper when I had so many bad memories, but I believe now that God brought me back for a purpose. I can never become the person He wants me to be unless I make restitution for the past.”

  Autumn turned toward her sister. “And, Summer, I want you to forgive me, too. It wasn’t fair for me to leave you with the responsibility you’ve had. Again, my only excuse is that I didn’t know Mother was sick, but I could have found out. I’ve been selfish, and I want to make it up to you. Go back to school, pursue the career you’ve dreamed of. I’ll set up practice somewhere in Ohio so I can check on Mother.” She turned to Clara. “Mother, it’s time to let Summer go.”

  “And it’s time you tended to your own business,” Clara said sharply. “Summer recognizes her duty to her family even if you don’t. If asking my forgiveness was the catharsis you needed to be relieved of past mistakes, then you’ve done what you came to do. You can leave now.”

  Autumn’s face blanched, and she felt Elwood’s hand on her shoulder. Autumn stood on shaking legs that could scarcely hold her. Her throat was dry, but sweat drenched her body.

  “I’ve not yet heard you say that you’re sorry for disobeying your parents and going your own way. Apologizing for the way you carried on with Nathan Holland and shaming us before the whole community, would go a long way toward bringing you back into the family fold.”

  Weaver pride asserted itself and Autumn answered, “I won’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Nathan and I didn’t ‘carry on,’ as you put it. He hadn’t kissed me until that time Daddy found us in the barn. And come to think about it, I guess I’m not ready to receive forgiveness, either. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven the Weavers for how you treated Nathan nor for the way
you’ve tried to ostracize him in the community since he’s returned.” She turned on her mother and motioned to Pastor Elwood.

  Summer started to the door with them, and Clara said, “Stay here, Summer.”

  Summer defied her mother and put her arm around Autumn’s waist as they left the house.

  “I’m sorry, Autumn. She really misses you and wants you back, but she’s too stubborn to admit it.”

  “Your support means a lot to me,” Autumn said to her sister. She knelt to pet Spots, who lay on a blanket in a streak of sun. He wagged his tail. Counting Summer, that made two residents of Indian Creek Farm who still loved her.

  “Uh-oh,” Summer said, and Autumn looked up quickly. A blue minivan had driven into the parking lot and stopped beside Elwood’s car.

  “Daddy,” Summer said quietly.

  “I didn’t think I could take on both of them today,” Autumn said grimly, “but I guess I’ll have to.”

  Autumn went down the steps and encountered her father as he rounded the side of his vehicle. “Hello, Daddy.”

  He halted his stride, looked quickly at her and tried to walk around her. “Please, Daddy,” she said and took his arm.

  He roughly pushed her hand off his arm. His gray eyes were cold and unrelenting. In the harsh and demanding voice she’d heard him use when he talked to his workers, but never to her, he said, “I am not your father. When you chose to leave this farm rather than to live as we wanted you to, you gave up any right to call it home. As far as I’m concerned, you are no longer a member of this family. Leave and never come back.”

  His words shook what little composure she had left, but she said, “Daddy, I’ve always loved you, and I always will. I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you, and also sorry that you no longer love me, but your feelings can’t change how I feel about you or this farm. I might not be your daughter, but you’re my beloved daddy and Indian Creek Farm will always be my home.”