Margo's Lullaby

by Groves, B.

  “What you choose today is up to you. There is nothing wrong with how you deal with such a tragedy. We all know this day will live in our hearts and minds forever. It was just a few weeks ago I decided I’m choosing to forgive and move on. I’m choosing not to let this tragedy define me as a person anymore. I thought my heart had hardened at one time, but it didn’t.”

  All was quiet. It was only he and Gabrielle Ryan now. He just knew she was feeling it too. He watched as she shifted on her feet and took a few steps closer to those sitting in chairs.

  “I decided to set my life on a positive path because I feel that’s what Jake would want from me,” Dean continued. “I made so many mistakes over the last ten years. I assumed I knew what I knew, and that was it. I discovered a hard truth. I hope that all of you out there will find it in your hearts to feel the way I do now. That’s how we move on, and that’s how we overcome such heartbreak.”

  He saw her wipe her eyes. She knew.

  “We are here today to honor the victims of The Seven Hills High School Shooting. We are not here to judge or point fingers. We are not here today to let our anger consume us. We are here to honor and respect each one of them. I no longer consider myself a victim because that’s how I refuse to look upon my life now. We will remember today as what they would have wanted and when we walk away, we will still hold them in our hearts forever. Let’s remember Jake, Jennifer, Kelly, Ben, and David with fondness, and love.”

  The words fell from his mouth so easily just to her for the first time since they sat together in seventh grade and he couldn’t form a proper sentence in front of her.

  Dean finished to a silent crowd. Then applause started. Then it turned thunderous throughout the field.

  Dean turned to sit down when he heard a cry from a distance.

  Dean stood again with the rest of the people on stage.

  The crowd turned and gasped.

  Dean wondered where Melanie and Randy were, and he had to find out the hard way.

  They couldn’t stay away from her.

  Dean ran down from the stage to where Gabrielle was.

  Chapter 15

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Gabby’s mother asked that morning.

  “Yes, Mom. I’ll be fine,” Gabby answered.

  She’d spent the night at Pam’s house so the couple wouldn’t have to drive clear across town to pick her up before the memorial.

  June sighed, and Gabby heard her sniffle. “I saw her last night again.”

  “She was on the other side of the cliff…”

  It was always the same dream June had of Margo. June would stand on one side of a cliff, and Margo on the other. June always said she always saw Margo trying desperately to reach out to her. Calling for her mother in the far off distance that separated them.

  “I always wake up when a bridge appears. I can never get to her in time,” June said, her voice going into a sob.

  June had to take a minute to gather herself. Gabby talked to her father and told him she loved him.

  “Just be careful,” he said with a shaky voice.

  “I will,” Gabby answered wiping her eyes.

  No matter what atrocities Margo committed that day Gabby’s parents never wavered in their love of their daughter no matter how awful she treated them towards the end.

  The family never told anyone she left a note the day she broke her father’s gun case and stole the guns.

  It was a simple note that read, “Mom, Dad. I’m sorry. You might not understand, but one day you will. I love you.”

  Gabby’s tears flowed again as she talked of her sister. She needed to hang up with her parents or she’d be a hot mess going to the memorial.

  She had to keep her wits about her. If she was to face these people she needed to keep her guard up.

  She hated saying goodbye to them but knew John would take over when he could.

  She told them she loved them over and over and hung up the phone.

  It was not only ten years since the shooting but also ten years since Margo committed suicide that day.

  Sleep eluded Gabby from her own nightmares the night before. She wasn’t sure how long she paced Pam’s spare bedroom.

  Gabby heard Pam feeding little Tony and sat with her for a while. She then sobbed into Pam’s shoulder. She appreciated Pam being there for her.

  Pam stood in the doorway after Gabby hung up with her parents with little Tony giving her sympathetic glances.

  “You go get ready, I’ll take him,” Gabby said, reaching out her arms for the baby.

  “You don’t have to do that,” Tony said from behind his wife.

  “No, I do,” Gabby smiled. “He’s the best distraction.”

  Gabby sat there with little Tony while the couple was getting dressed in peace. She smiled knowing they were grateful for her offer.

  Gabby laughed when little Tony smiled at her funny faces and baby talk. She always hoped that one day this would be her with her own.

  Pam was ready in no time and came out of her bedroom to take little Tony so Gabby could get dressed.

  “It’s so rare to dress up anymore,” Pam commented.

  Tony was on his laptop when Gabby ventured into the bathroom. He was a big, bulky guy with jet black hair slicked back, and a thick dark beard that Pam hated, but let him keep it for the winter.

  “Oh, he’s gonna shave it in the summer,” she said.

  Pam had her hair sprayed in place, and her forest green dress hugged her thin frame.

  Gabby had picked out a solid black front knot empire dress that hung just below her knees, and the sleeves ended at her elbows.

  She showered letting the hot water wash away all her worries about today, but it only helped a little.

  She realized she was numb to the world as she showered. She hoped for quiet and peaceful but was prepared if something went wrong.

  She was going there today to mourn the victims of her sister’s atrocity.

  She dressed and styled her hair with simple loose curls that hung over her shoulders.

  She would keep her makeup light and respectful. This day was not about Margo; it was about whom Margo killed.

  As the time for them to leave drew closer, Gabby almost threw herself into a panic attack. Although the real anniversary had been the day before, this was the day she had to face those who lost so much after her sister’s horrific decision to walk into a school with a gun. Thinking of their somber faces as they remembered their children. The only thing they had left of them was pictures, videos, and the memory of how they perished.

  It was time for Gabby to face those families.

  She almost ran out of the room telling Pam and Tony she couldn’t do it. She would go home and sulk the rest of the day.

  She sat on the bed trying to control her anxiety. Her stomach flip-flopped, and heart flew into her throat almost choking her.

  She thought she would lose her breakfast, but her breathing exercises calmed her down enough to keep it down.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Pam said from the doorway.

  Gabby sat up and looked at her friend. “Yes… Yes, I do.”

  Pam came in and the two friends embraced for a minute.

  “Thanks for being there for me,” Gabby whispered.

  “You know I always have your back,” Pam pulled back and smiled. “I think you’ll be surprised today.”

  “I hope so,” Gabby said with a strangled voice.

  When they were ready, the family and Gabby piled into their car and drove off to the football field.

  Gabby had many fond memories of the football games when she was in school. The brightness of the Friday night lights, the band playing at halftime, and the kids excited every time The Stinger Bees made a touchdown, and the cheerleaders leading the crowd in chants.

  The night of homecoming and the parade that came after. Gabby had painted the float representing the seniors. That had been one of her proudest moments when the seniors won the best flo
at contest that year.

  Gabby made it to the winter dance, and that would be the last time she was social.

  She never saw prom or even her own graduation. Instead, she was handed a diploma after she was assigned a tutor and told to never step foot in Seven Hills High School again.

  That was her graduation that year.

  Gabby kept wiping her hands on her jacket. Her palms sweating profusely.

  “Are you good back there?” Tony asked, gazing at her in the rearview mirror.

  Gabby nodded and tried to pay attention to little Tony who was sound asleep in his car seat.

  I wish I were where you are right now, little guy, she thought with a slight smile to the sleeping baby.

  Tony cursed when he couldn’t find a parking space right away.

  Gabby thought she glimpsed Jason in full uniform standing with a few other officers around the entrance to the football field.

  They sent text messages to each other a few times, but nothing ever came of it. Mostly small talk.

  Tony ended up parking the car at least three blocks away from the field.

  As the family exited the car, Gabby sat there taking more deep breaths.

  The visions of that day were coming in waves to the forefront of her mind.

  Dean lying unconscious on the library floor while she tried to stop the bleeding. Jake sitting in the nearby chair with half his head blown off. The screams and the cries of the injured. Footsteps pounding as terrified students and faculty ran for their lives.

  Gabby leaned forward and clutched her stomach.

  Margo came into clear view. Gabby’s own sister with her father’s gun pointing it directly at her.

  Gabby remembered her world crashing down around her the moment Margo came into focus…

  Pam opened the back door to grab the car seat, bringing Gabby back from the brink of another breakdown.

  Gabby looked over at her friend, and Pam reached over and placed a hand on Gabby’s arm.

  “You’ll be fine,” she said.

  People were walking by them and it was now out of habit that Gabby lowered her head and tried to cover her face with her hair.

  “Hey,” Tony said. “Keep your head held high.”

  She lifted her head but hid behind Tony when Pam handed him the car seat.

  Pam smiled trying to lighten up the mood. “If he sleeps the whole time, it’ll be a miracle.”

  “My man doesn’t need sleep,” Tony answered.

  Gabby could only muster part of a smile.

  Gabby took another deep breath, straightened her dress, and they were on their way.

  She adjusted her sunglasses and tried to hold her head up like Tony told her too.

  She squared her shoulders and walked briskly with the couple, no longer hiding behind them.

  She reminded herself over and over again she was doing this for the victims. She mourned her sister. She would always mourn her sister, but today was for the victims.

  Gabby’s eyes focused straight ahead. So far no one gave her a second glance, and her pounding heartbeat slowly returned to normal.

  She appreciated they were trying to keep the conversation light for her, but her nerves were frazzled enough that relaxing was impossible today.

  The group crossed the street, and Gabby turned to see Jason standing at the edge of the fence.

  He smiled and waved to them.

  They stopped to talk to him for a few minutes.

  “Can you handle this?” Jason asked.

  He seemed genuinely concerned about Gabby’s well-being, but she wasn’t sure with him.

  “She’ll be fine,” Pam answered.

  “I want to be here,” Gabby said.

  Jason pointed to the ground and said, “If you need me. I’ll be stationed here the whole time.”

  “Who else is here?” Tony asked.

  Jason turned and scanned the crowd. “Mostly family members, employees, all that from what I’ve seen. Not all of our class, but a few showed up.”

  Gabby turned to search for a certain person. She didn’t see him at first, and then her eyes laid on the stage. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw him up there with the rest of the speakers getting organized.

  Gabby kept her emotions in check seeing him up there. She didn’t know he would speak today, and a shiver ran through her spine.

  She dreaded what he would say. She knew Dean wanted to talk but hadn’t found out about what yet.

  “Anyway, if you need anything let me know,” Jason said turning back to Gabby.

  Gabby looked at him sharply. “What—oh—um—thanks.”

  The group moved into the field, and Gabby’s heels sunk into the damp grass as they walked.

  Gabby grabbed Pam’s arm and pointed to the stage.

  Pam turned back to Gabby in surprise. “I didn’t know that.”

  “Didn’t you just talk to him?”

  “Yeah, but he didn’t mention he was doing a speech.”

  Someone squealed nearby, and then Gabby was wrapped in thin arms.

  She was so shocked that she almost tripped over her own heels.

  “Gabby!”

  Gabby groaned inwardly as her name was said loud enough for people around her to hear.

  Gabby stepped back when the person let her go.

  Her friend Lisa Parker stood before her. Lisa was just as Gabby remembered her. Her black curly hair bounced around her head even more puffed out than it was in high school. Her light blue eyes stood out against her pale skin.

  “Gabby, I’m so happy to see you,” Lisa said with a huge smile.

  Gabby was feeling a little teary eyed now. She didn’t expect anyone to greet her warmly. Pam grinned beside her and put a hand on her shoulder as if to say ‘I told you so.’

  “I’m so happy to see you too.” Gabby was struggling to keep her voice steady.

  It was if a light was finally coming through the darkness after so many years.

  More of her graduating class came up to her and embraced her with a warmth she never thought she’d ever feel again.

  Gabby was so overwhelmed by the love she received that the tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

  “Thank you,” she kept saying over and over again.

  “You don’t have to cry. We’re here for you,” Lisa said handing her a tissue and helping her wipe away her tears.

  Gabby was grateful old friends surrounded her because she knew other eyes became outright hostile towards her.

  She could feel it in her bones, but right now she needed the love to take her into its warm blanket.

  She knew word was spreading around to those gathered for the memorial.

  “I know. Thank you so much,” she said to her old friends.

  Gabby looked towards the stage. Dean was still busy up there. She hoped he would have seen her by now, but with all the people she’d have to wait till the service was over.

  “They’re coming,” Pam whispered into her ear.

  Gabby turned to see reporters approaching her and her group of friends.

  “Oh God,” she whispered.

  “I’ll get rid of them,” Pam said. “Any comment?”

  “I’m here for the victims today,” Gabby said with a stern voice. “That is all.”

  “Fuck them,” Lisa said. “Don’t let anyone chase you away from here.”

  Lisa said it loud enough for the crowd to hear her. Gabby knew Lisa was trying to help, but Gabby would have rather stayed in the shadows.

  Some people shrugged and walked away while somewhere others gave her glares. She’d experienced that before, but this was the closest she’d ever been to the families of the victims.

  Someone in the background yelled, “Fifteen minutes!”

  Gabby listened while her friends told her about their lives now. Lisa put her arm around Gabby’s shoulders.

  “I’m so happy you’re here,” Lisa said.

  “I don’t know if I am,” Gabby said honestly.

 
“You deserve it as much as anyone else,” Lisa said.

  More reporters tried to get through her friends, but Gabby noticed her friends had formed a protective circle around her. Her heart swelled with the sentiment, and she struggled to hold back her sobs.

  “Did you guys want to sit with us?” Lisa asked when Pam showed up again.

  Pam looked exasperated dealing with the reporters.

  “Where are you?”

  Lisa pointed to the stands, and Gabby silently thanked God they were right on the edge. She wouldn’t be subjected to walking through the crowd.

  “I think it would be best,” Pam said.

  Gabby mouthed ‘what’ to her. Pam shook her head but didn’t say much more.

  Gabby, Lisa, and the rest of the group made their way over to the stands.

  Gabby heard the whispers and tried not to look at the surly faces as she walked through the rest of the crowd.

  Again, she fought off her fight-or-flight feelings of panic and kept her head up trying to maintain a sense of dignity.

  “Keep her at the end,” Pam said to Lisa. “In case we need to get her out of here.”

  Lisa nodded. Gabby looked over at her friend questioningly.

  “Randy and Melanie White,” Pam said.

  Gabby turned around to look over her shoulder but did not see the couple.

  “What are they doing?” She asked.

  “Drinking,” Pam answered in disgust.

  Gabby sat on the edge of the stands. She was expecting something to happen to her. She prayed that for the sake of the victims and their families, the people who were openly hostile towards her would leave her alone today.

  She kept her spine straight and stiff with her ears perked with bits and pieces of conversations here and there.

  “I can’t believe she’s here.”

  “This is an insult. The police should escort her out.”

  “She knew what her sister would do. I never believed a word of her innocence.”

  “She has balls, I have to give her that.”

  Gabby swore she would not let the comments get under her skin.

  “Don’t listen to them,” Lisa said.

  “I’m not. I’m used to it,” Gabby said falling back on her old line.

  “We’re going to trademark that,” Pam said.