Shooting Blindly in the Dark

by Nicole Jackson

  And she knew exactly how to piss me off. She wouldn’t answer, but replied to my texts.

  To: Bonnie

  Oh so u aint answering da phone? What u tryin to hide?

  From: Bonnie

  Quit calling me. Tend to ya bitch

  To: Bonnie

  That’s what I’m doin but u won’t answer da phone

  From: Bonnie

  Shit u aint no nigga of mines

  To: Bonnie

  Y is that?

  From: Bonnie

  What is today?

  To: Bonnie

  Wednesday

  From: Bonnie

  And?

  To: Bonnie

  Christmas

  From: Bonnie

  Exactly. Miss me wit da bullshit. U chill ova there wit da bitch that chase u like a sad puppy wit her hand out. Black Reign got her own. That hoe can’t even get a car out ya ass

  Shaking my head, I hopped off the couch, and headed outside. Thankfully, nobody was worried about me, because they were all too worried about running their mouths. Once again I called her. Like all the other times, she didn’t answer.

  “Kaydoa,” Farrah stuck her head outside, checking on me. I hated that shit.

  “What?” I snapped.

  “Damn,” she frowned. “I was just trying to ask you if you could make a run to the gas station and pick up a bag of ice.

  I slid my tongue across my teeth. “Yeah, that’s a bet. I’ll be right back.” I headed to my car. I didn’t look back, as she called my name again. Monay and Hurt were all hugged up outside, and laughed at me ignoring Farrah.

  I don’t know what came over me, but I decided to say fuck that ice. I was headed to Fifth Ward to see what was up with Jasmine.

  Black Reign

  I was shivering at Ben’s crib. That bipolar ass weather in Houston always kept people sick. It was just warm the day before, but now it was freezing cold, and his fucking heat didn’t work. So, I was all bundled up in my leather coat, considering just going home and going to sleep. That night alone I’d made two racks, which was cool.

  Life was really crazy. Just a few months ago having two thousand dollars would have been cause for a celebration, but right then it did nothing for me. I had more money than I’d had my entire life, but somehow I felt empty. Who would’ve thought that I would’ve been pulling up to school my senior year in a brand new Ford Fusion…and little did they know, but my shit was paid for. Hanging around Kaydoa, I ended up picking up some of his habits. That nigga loved to shop, and was young with minimal responsibility, so Gucci and True got a lot of his money. And mines too. I had so many clothes that me and my sister argued about closet space. Now her ass was begging to wear my shoes and purses, but unlike her I wasn’t selfish. So occasionally, I allowed her to rock my shit.

  Niggas who were popular in school and had never paid me much attention in the past were practically running me down. Bitches wanted to run with me, who were just rolling their eyes at me a semester ago. It was ridiculous, and my dumb ass had let Kaydoa’s ass come along and fuck it all up. I was supposed to be living it up, dealing with whatever nigga I wanted. But sadly, I only wanted him.

  Deciding to call it a night, I locked up the house and headed to my car. Just as I was about to ease into the whip, another car swooped into the yard, and blocked me in. My heart dropped down to my toes, thinking that somebody was coming to rob my ass.

  “Why the fuck you aint answering your phone?” Kaydoa interrogated, as he hopped out of his Cadillac.

  I stood, breathing a sigh of relief, “Nigga, why you driving like a bat out of hell?”

  “Answer my question,” he insisted, as he approached me.

  I shrugged, “Cause I aint wanna talk.”

  He squinted his eyes, “You want me to fuck you up?”

  “Boy, please. Ion look shit like Farrah’s scary ass,” I twisted my neck.

  “Oh yeah,” he gripped the hell out of my hair.

  “Kaydoa, stop,” I whined, as he jerked my head around.

  “No,” he got all in my face. “What the fuck was you doing? You had a nigga over here?”

  I sucked my teeth.

  “Did you?” he pressed, inching closer. Soon, his lips were on mines. “Huh?” he kissed me gently.

  “Move!” I shoved him back. “Don’t come over here trying to butter me up!” my voice cracked. “This shit aint fun no more, Kaydoa.” I whimpered, feeling so damn weak.

  He stroked my cheek with his palm. “Why it aint fun, baby? Talk to daddy.”

  “Cause,” I pouted. “It just aint.”

  “Come on,” he pulled me towards his car. “Talk to me.”

  We sat in his car for a few minutes without saying anything. I was all emotional, and I hated when I’d become that way. Kaydoa wasn’t making shit any better…being all comforting and shit. He rubbed my hand delicately, as I sat with my bottom lip poked out.

  “So…tell me how you feel, Jas.” He urged.

  “I don’t know,” I absently gazed out of the window. “I really never thought about what I was doing with you. It was…it was fun…like a…like a adrenaline rush. But then I started having all these feelings. I start picturing myself with you…years down the line. I think about crazy shit. Like being your wife, and having your kids. But then…it dawned on me,” I turned to look at him. “That will never happen. I aint even your girl, and I thought that I could handle that. But then when I try to picture a future without you in it…I can’t. And that scares me. So then, I thought about today. About how lonely I felt. And I realized that this was gonna be me every holiday. And I aint sign up for no shit like this.” I got chocked up. “Like I’m dealing with somebody that don’t have no feelings for me. I mean, I aint a lame. I know you love fucking with me and all, but your heart is with Farrah.”

  The pleasant look on his face vanished when I made that last statement. “But who told you that?”

  I smacked my lips. “Nobody had to tell me. It’s obvious. You must think I’m stupid, Kaydoa. Yeah, you a few years older than me, but I aint new to this.”

  “And nobody said you was,” he snapped. “But this shit you saying is crazy. I don’t know what the future holds, and neither do you. Nothing ever stays the same forever.”

  “Whatever,” I rolled my eyes.

  “And this whole thing about me not having feelings for you…where did that come from?”

  I hunched my shoulders. “You never tell me how you feel.”

  He waved his head. “On some real shit, people put way too much stock in words. A muthafucka can be telling you they love you, while they’re shoving a knife through your heart. Sometimes verbally saying shit gets too complicated. So, I let my actions do all the talking.”

  I allowed his words to sink in. He had me feeling confused, and that’s why I always ended up dealing with him again. He was a walking contradiction in every way.

  “Sometimes, I just wanna give up on everything and say fuck it,” I blurted out. “People don’t know what it feels like to be me. Sometimes I just feel so lonely. Like everybody got at least one person in their life that they can depend on…but not with me. I’m in this world all by myself.” I cried.

  “Nah,” he waved his head, as he pulled me into his arms. “Don’t say that, cause that shit aint true. I’ll never let you be by yourself like that. You honestly think that I spend the time, and my money on somebody that don’t mean shit to me? It don’t matter how our situation looks to the outside world. Don’t nobody gotta live our lives but us. On everything I love, I’ma always be here for you. Always.”

  I nodded, as I rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, and at that moment I’d never felt closer to another human being in all my life.

  We were both sitting in silence, until he began chuckling to himself.

  “What’s so funny?” I lifted my head, and gazed into his eyes.

  He shook his head, “I can’t believe that I’m about to say this.” He licked hi
s lips. “I been jamming the hell out of this new song, because every time I hear it…it makes me think about you.”

  I smiled from ear to ear. “Let me hear it, then.”

  “You aint gon look at a nigga different are you?” he furrowed his brows.

  “No,” I shook my head. “Just play it.”

  He exhaled, “Okay.” Fiddling with his CD player, he started the song.

  “Lay your he-ad on my pillow. Lay it down, lay it down, lay it down, oh lay it down…I aint Casanova, and me and Romeo aint never been friends. But tonight, girl, I’ma show you how much I love you, let the party begin. I’ma do something I never did to you, girl. I’ma turn you out. I know you, girl…” Lloyd’s gentle voice boomed through the speaker’s, causing my heart to melt.

  I swear no girl in the world was smiling harder than I was at that very moment. “Your pretty ass would be listening to Lloyd. What, you like his music cause he reminds you of yourself with that hair and shit?”

  “Man,” he drawled. “That nigga wished he looked as good as me,” he chuckled. “But I just thought about you when I heard this song. Especially this part,” he pointed out, and we both stopped and listened.

  “So, stretch it out, cause I’m gone work it good, girl. And don’t be bougie cause tonight I need a hood girl.”

  I couldn’t help, but laugh. “What you trying to say, nigga?”

  “You know,” he smiled, nodding his head to the beat.

  “Whatever,” I giggled.

  “You know you like this shit, girl,” he winked.

  For the remainder of the night we kicked, with no interruptions. And no sex. It was just me and him, laughing and talking. That’s when I realized that Kaydoa had become much more than my lil’ dip. He was my friend.

  Kaydoa

  I stood in the middle of my living room, staring at all my clothes scattered across the floor. I could tell that they’d been damaged, as the strong odor of bleach wafted in the air.

  “Farrah, what the fuck is this?!” I fumed, as I stomped through the apartment.

  “What the fuck it looks like?” she spewed, as I found her in the room, sitting on the bed, casually scrolling through her phone.

  “Bitch, have you lost ya fucking mind?!” I raged.

  She pursed her lips. “No, have you?”

  Before I knew it, I’d lost it, jacking her ass up by her shirt, while her feet dangled off the floor. “Do you know who the fuck you dealing with?” I gritted. That’s when she burst into tears.

  “What else could I do?” she bawled.

  I tossed her back onto the bed.

  “Man, fuck this,” I grumbled, as I headed to the closet, and began gathering the shit she didn’t destroy.

  “Now, you wanna leave,” she blubbered. “I…I…I can never do anything right. I try to be a good woman for you. I go to school. I work. But for whatever reason you can’t seem to live that hood rat ass bitch alone! I don’t deserve this, Kaydoa.” She sobbed, causing me to pause. “You…you don’t know how it feels to be the chick everybody laughs at. Everybody knows about you and Black Reign. Don’t you know that when I hear your name in other circles they always refer to her as your girlfriend? They don’t even know that I exist.”

  Dragging my palm across my mouth, I exhaled. “Look, Farrah, I really don’t know what to tell you. If I’m hurting you I apologize.”

  “Hell yeah, you hurting me,” she sniffled. “Kaydoa, do you know how I felt last night? I had to make up all these lies, after you just disappeared. And then my cousin sends me this picture of you and her sitting in your car at four in the morning.” She waved her phone, showing me the picture of me and Jasmine.

  I frowned. “First off, you need to tell that bitch to mind her business. And secondly I never denied being around her. But neither you or your damn cousins knows what we were talking about.”

  “It don’t matter!” she spewed. “You was supposed to be here,” she clapped her hands.

  “The last time I checked I was a grown ass man!” my nostrils flared. “This is what I fucking do. I trap, Farrah. I don’t clock in or out, and I’m tired of having to explain myself to you.”

  “You should be tired of lying. That’s what the fuck you should be tired of.”

  “Look, I aint got time for this shit,” I headed back to my closet. Grabbing up some clothes, I tossed them into my Gucci duffle bag. Then I grabbed my extra pistol at the top of the closet, before heading to the door.

  “Wait, wait!” she tugged at my shirt. “Don’t leave,” she boohooed. “Please don’t leave me, baby. Fu…fuck everything I just said. Just please don’t go.”

  I turned to face her. Her face was beet red, as she cried uncontrollably. Snot dripped from her nose, the whole nine. Lil’ mama looked distraught, and I was the cause of it.

  “Please,” she trembled.

  “Man,” I drawled, as I pulled her into my arms. “Stop that. I’m right here,” I rubbed her back. “I’m right here.”

  Black Reign

  Four months later…

  “Talking all that shit, but as soon as I hit. Now, she talking like this. In a falsetto. She like uh uh, baby, I…I…I.”

  I was whining my hips to the beat. The club was rocking, and I was feeling good. They couldn’t hold me in my multi-colored cheetah printed cat suit. It fit my body like a glove, and the Red bottom gold stilettos I wore were so damn mean. My hair had been done in a array of curls, and we’d gone to Mac to get our make-up professionally done.

  “Damn, lil’ mama,” some random nigga grabbed my hand.

  I waved my head, as I pulled away. He was looking right, but Lil’ Hurt, Toke, and Foo were all posted up with us. Still, I was feeling a little flirtatious, as I placed both hands behind my head, and worked the shit out of my hips. “She like uh, uh, uh, baby, I, I, I.” I chanted being a straight tease.

  It was my eighteenth birthday, and I was showing out. Our clique that we affectionately called the Green Team, was getting some real paper, and becoming a real problem for the haters. We always came to the clubs as a group, popping bottles, and partying like rock stars. As always, my bitch Monay was right there with me, looking cute. Her little black on black booty shorts and cropped top was keeping Lil’ Hurt on his toes. They’d been having some issues, but she made sure that the bitches didn’t see her sweating.

  Having more money meant more problems. Lil’ Hurt was constantly getting pussy thrown at him, and he’d fell victim to temptation quite a few times, unfortunately. He’d been dealing with another chick, heavily. He wasn’t trying to leave Monay alone, but it didn’t seem like he was letting ole girl go, either. Every time we looked up the bitch, Roneisha, was posting something on her Facebook pertaining to Hurt being at her crib, and even spending time with her little boy. He and Monay would fuss and fight about it, but she wouldn’t leave him. The shit was crazy, and sometimes I wanted to call her stupid, before I’d think about my own fucked up situation.

  After all this time, I was still Kaydoa’s side bitch. He and Farrah were still living together, and that didn’t appear to be something that was changing in the near future. In fact, they’d recently upgraded to a upscale condo. Kaydoa claimed that it was all Farrah’s doing, and that he didn’t care about living around a bunch of rich white folks. But it really didn’t fucking matter to me. He still went along with it, further telling me what it was.

  And then if all that wasn’t enough, everybody was there celebrating my birthday except him. Unfortunately, Farrah’s birthday was a day before mines, and they decided to celebrate on my day. He’d fed me all this bullshit about celebrating with me on Sunday. And he’d claimed that he’d try his best to get away and come up to the club. It was one thirty, and the club was closing in thirty minutes. Therefore I’d accepted that he wasn’t coming. Still, I was going to enjoy myself.

  I thought that I was a big girl, and could handle my heart not being there with me, until the deejay decided to switch shit up. “Nothing is promised to me
and you. So, why would we let this thang go? And baby, I promise that I’ll stay true to you. Don’t let nobody say it aint so. And baby I promise that I will never leave. And everything will be alright…”

  Listening to the lyrics, I swayed back and forth, wrapping my arms around myself, singing along with the song. I squeezed my eyes closed, thinking about Kaydoa. And then a image of him hugging Farrah popped into my head. So, I stood there listening to some niggas sing their hearts out about loving their woman, while I was by myself. My supposed man was somewhere with another girl, who he put before me. I wanted to cry.

  “Oh, baby, I looooove you!” the lead singer in Jagged Edge belted.

  “Walk with me to the restroom,” Monay spoke into my ear.

  “Okay,” I nodded, happy that she was saving me from my own thoughts. Together we pushed through the crowds, leaving all the boys behind.

  I was ignoring another dude trying to holler at me, when I noticed that somebody was standing in front of Monay, bumping their gums.

  “What was all that shit you was talking, bitch?!” Roneisha’s high yellow, loud, skinny ass shouted over the music.

  “Like I said, bitch,” Monay clapped her hands dramatically. “Stop calling my nigga’s phone!”

  “Bitch, yo nigga? Shit, that’s both our man!”

  “You got me fucked up! You just a bitch sucking his dick. You’ll never have what I have!”

  “Bitch, please,” Roneisha snaked her neck. “If I am sucking his dick, please believe he’s eating this pussy!” And that did it.

  Monay reached back, and popped that hoe in her mouth. Sadly, we didn’t realize that Roneisha was posted up with all her people. The moment Nay swung so did five other bitches. It was pandemonium, as I jumped in, swinging on whoever I could. Me…I’ma get with any bitch coming at me, but there was too many of them.

  I was throwing hammers, while somebody had their hands wrapped in my hair. I was slung to the ground, and then stomped by several feet. Refusing to give up, I grabbed a random foot, and pulled them down to the ground. I went to work on that bitch, and was soon on top, busting her face up. That’s when I felt a mean slug to the back of my head.