Shooting Blindly in the Dark

by Nicole Jackson

  Monay was wearing a hot pink fitted sleeveless mini dress with the exact scandals I had on. Obviously, we’d gone shopping together, and had fallen in love with the same shoes. She was rocking a dramatic, long, kinky, curly weave that looked just like her real hair. My friend was always jazzy and that day was no exception.

  We hadn’t made it to the side of the park everybody was on, and I was regretting carrying my Louie bag Kaydoa had recently bought me. The muthafucka seemed heavier with every stride.

  “Damn, lil’ mama, you look tired. You need a lift the rest of the way?” some dude asked as he walked behind us. I glanced back at him, and he was fine as fuck. He was extremely bowlegged, tall, caramel toned, deep wavy hair, with tattoos galore. He was wearing a wife beater with some Louie shorts. He was also rocking ice white Louie sneakers, telling me that he wasn’t some broke nigga. There was a long piece and chain dangling around his neck, and I knew that it cost a pretty penny.

  Deciding to flirt a little, I said, “What, I can ride your back?”

  He gave me a sexy grin. “Hell, yeah.”

  I snickered a bit, as he caught up with us, and strolled next to me. Monay waved her head, as she smiled to herself.

  “What’s your name, mama? With ya fine ass,” he commented, as he visually raped me.

  “Jasmine, yall late, main,” I heard Kaydoa’s voice out of nowhere.

  I spun around, and noticed him swaggering over to us with a frown on his face. He too wore a wife beater along with long Burberry shorts. The high top white Prada sneakers he had on were fresh out the box, and I knew because he’d bought them when he’d purchased the scandals I was currently wearing.

  “That’s your man?” ole boy questioned, seeming unfazed by Kaydoa.

  I waved my head. “Nah. My baby daddy.”

  Kaydoa being the ass that he is, wedged his body directly between me and the nameless cutie. “Come on,” he wrapped a arm around me, and guided me away from the dude.

  “Say, I aint catch your name,” the dude called out.

  Kaydoa stopped dead in his tracks, and turned around. “My nigga, I advise you keep it moving. You aint got shit coming this way, home boy. This me,” he boldly declared.

  I shook my head, and was about to let him have it, when I noticed a familiar face switch up the walkway. “Jaylen, nigga, come on,” Raven waved the dude over.

  I smiled. “What’s up, Raven?”

  She grinned. “Hey, Black Reign, girl. What’s up, Kaydoa?”

  Kaydoa smirked, “What’s up?”

  “Nothing. Excuse my brother-in-law. That nigga got a radar for unavailable women. I seen yall from way back there,” she pointed behind her. “And I came to get his ass. His understanding aint the best, and I already know how Kaydoa is,” she explained.

  “He good. Kaydoa don’t run shit,” I snaked my neck.

  Raven giggled. “Umm hmm, girl. I know. That’s the same shit I be saying about Jahrein. That shit sounds good and all, but we know what it is,” she winked. “Bring that ass here, boy,” she told the Jaylen dude, as we headed in the opposite direction.

  “Don’t get fucked up,” Kaydoa warned.

  I just sniggled, feeling very amused. That nigga was off his rocker, calling himself checking me, while he had a bitch just a few feet away.

  We approached the gathering together, as I realized how many people had shown up for his day. There were hundreds. And he’d really gone all out with the menu. There were snow crabs, jumbo shrimp, crawfish, oysters, barbecue of every meat imaginable, and fucking lobster. Even though there was no alcohol allowed in the park they had huge coolers filled with punch spiked with premium vodkas and tequilas. Of course, there was a deejay there spinning music, and a few people had their cameras out, filming the entire party.

  I glanced around, until I noticed my baby. She was running around with two big puff balls wrapped in ribbons on her head. She wore a cute little purple jumper with a hot pink shirt underneath. Her little purple and pink Air Max matched perfectly, and definitely complimented her big ruffle pink and purple socks.

  “Kaylah,” I called her name, causing Farrah to look up.

  “Mama!” my baby squealed, as she ran over to me.

  I picked her up, and stepped over to a empty table. Monay headed over to Hurt, who was manning one of the pits. I figured that Kaydoa was gonna make his rounds, and mingle. Instead, he copped a squat at the table with us. Soon, we were feeding our faces, and getting wasted on those drinks.

  Kaydoa

  “Smile for the camera,” Monkey said, as she snapped pictures of me, Kaylah, and Jasmine.

  Jasmine was too busy tossing her cup up to pose for a photo. I knew that she was well on her way to being drunk. Shit, I was rather tipsy myself. I’d been downing cup after cup. But shit, it was my birthday, and I was supposed to get wasted.

  So many people had joined me and Jasmine at our table. I was surrounded wit my niggas I’d been friends wit since the sandbox, and we was cracking jokes, just enjoying ourselves.

  I knew that Jasmine was feeling good, because her ass had completely forgotten that ‘she don’t fuck wit me’ routine she usually performed. She sat wit a nigga, joking like we used to. I was there wit her and my daughter, and that was all I needed.

  “Ay, ay,” I grabbed her head, as I spoke in her ear. “That nigga Toke look like a fuckin’ turtle.”

  She laughed hysterically. “You stupid, man.”

  “I’m for real,” I chuckled. Everything was funny to me. We’d been going in on each other all day. Jasmine was the leader of the pack, letting everybody have it. That mouth was reckless, and she had everybody in stitches.

  “Hey, remember that time Dookey Lookey let that dope fiend beat his ass?” she reminisced, causing everybody to bust out laughing. She stood up to demonstrate how Dookey Lookey was staggering around, lying, talking about he was jumped by five niggas, like we wasn’t all standing around, watching him get his ass whupped.

  “Bitch, stop,” Monay got out, as she cried tears of joy. “You fuckin’ play too much.”

  “For real, that nigga kept talking about ‘Where them niggas at?’ With his cockeyed ass. His eyes so damn tangled me must’ve thought that more than one nigga was hitting him,” she jested, causing a uproar of laughter.

  I was sitting there, watching her clown. Those little shorts were hugging her ass and her hips were exposed. That body was still intact, and I was really thinking about taking her to the car, and making her ride my dick.

  “No, Kaylah, get off the table,” I heard Farrah tell my daughter. I glanced at her, sitting at the next table, looking like somebody had stolen her lunch money. She’d been sitting there pouting for a minute, but that was her problem. That was my day, and I couldn’t stress about her being in her feelings.

  “These muthafuckas,” my mama grumbled, as she sat at the table wit Farrah. She’d been tripping because I wouldn’t let her use one of my cars. She was my mama, and I’d do anything for her, but she was drunk as fuck, talking about driving. She’d been on some other shit, and sadly that made me want to keep my distance from her. Since that nigga was gone, I’d pay all her bills, but I couldn’t tolerate being around her longer than a few minutes at a time. She was a mean drunk that would let some of the most fucked up shit spew from her mouth, while intoxicated.

  “Hey, grandpa’s baby,” my daddy cooed, as he picked Kaylah up. Wit her in his arms he sat wit my mama, Farrah, Farrah’s sister Lola, and a few other people who sat at the table wit them.

  “Here go that lobster you wanted, Black Reign,” my Uncle Ben said, as he placed the food in front of her.

  “Thanks, unc,” she smiled, as she sat back down. I watched as she broke the lobster down, and then brought a piece of the lobster’s meat to my lips. “Bite,” she commanded.

  Without thinking, I opened my mouth, and allowed her to feed me.

  “This shit right here aint right,” I heard my mama mumble.

  “Pebbles…” my daddy tr
ied to calm her down.

  “Naw, don’t Pebbles me,” she shot to her feet. “Kaydoa, I aint raise you like this!”

  Everybody looked up at the same time.

  “Main, mama, chill out,” I waved her off.

  “No, don’t tell me to chill out,” she waved her head. “You over there disrespecting your got damn girlfriend,” she carried on. “I don’t know what it is about Jasmine. You and that got damn Jasmine. You love that little pissy bitch’s dirty panties. What is it? Did she put some period blood in ya spaghetti? Did she hoodoo ya? Everything is always about Jasmine.”

  “Mama, you aint gon be disrespecting Kaylah’s mama like that,” I growled, as everybody at the party looked on.

  She waved her hand. “Aw, nigga please. You wanna talk about disrespect? How about you respect that girl that has always held it down for you? Farrah has been good to your dumb ass, Kaydoa. And what you do? You give her ya ass to kiss. She helped you take care of that baby, while her trifling ass mammy was locked up, and that’s how you repay her? You do everything for that got damn Jasmine. Everybody gotta stand in line behind Jasmine. You love her more than everybody else. Even ya own damn mama! You got that lil’ bitch up in that big ass house, while Farrah still live in the little bitty ass house that could fit in Jasmine’s backyard. What did her little nasty ass do to you? Huh? Shit, her ass done fucked everybody and they damn daddy! Including yo daddy, Kaydoa!” she lashed.

  My daddy shot to his feet. “Pebbles, that shit was uncalled for.”

  “Calvin, shut up. Tell ya son how you used to fuck his precious Jasmine.”

  “What?” I scrounged, as I glared at Jasmine.

  She held her head down in shame. Shaking her head, she got up from the table, and attempted to run off. I hopped up, and caught her ass before she got too far.

  “Hold up,” I swung her around. “Don’t run. Is it true? You fucked him?”

  Her eyes glistened wit tears. “Kaydoa, that was way before our time.”

  I grimaced. “And you just conveniently never mentioned that shit?”

  “I told you all about Mr. Cee. I had no idea that he was your daddy,” she sniffled.

  I narrowed my eyes. “You really is a hoe. What, let me guess. You fucked him wit no hands? Oh no, wait a minute. You sucked his dick, didn’t you? Answer me?!”

  Tears slid down her face. “You can think whatever the fuck you wanna think about me.”

  “Shit, it aint what I think. It’s what the whole fuckin’ world knows!” I swept my arms around. “Just look. These niggas know what it is. It’s cool, cause hoes is for everybody.”

  With hate in her eyes, she reached back, and slapped the shit out of me. “Fuck you!”

  I stood in that very spot, as she stomped off. I could feel the prying eyes all over my back. This was a day that nobody would ever forget, and I doubted that anything would ever be the same. Fuck it.

  Chapter 25

  Black Reign

  People often talked about being lost, but I never really grasped what that truly meant. I was lost. Everything that I held dear to me had been ripped from my very arms. Kaydoa had talked to me like the scum on the bottom of his shoe. And then after everything settled down, he never came and apologized. He just carried me like I never meant shit to him.

  He’d bring Kaylah by to see me, but it had been a while since he’d actually allowed her to stay the night. Then when I complained about it he told me to take him to court. I was no longer ‘Jasmine’ to him. He was now referring to me as Black Reign, and every time I heard him say that it chipped away at my heart. I searched his eyes for it, but it was indisputably missing. He didn’t love me no more.

  There were no more loving kisses, and late night talks. There was no one I could bear my soul with. I’d lost my best friend, and I’d never felt more alone. I would only see him shortly when he’d pick up or drop off Kaylah. If there was something he needed me to know he’d have Monay act as the mediator. He really acted like he hated me.

  Even after he’d talked to me crazy, I’d attempted to reach out to him, at least to get some understanding. But I was shut down. Obviously, my fall from graces had given he and Farrah’s relationship the push it desperately needed. So now they could be seen all over the city, masquerading around as the perfect fuckin’ couple with my child.

  I was completely shunned by him, and he still managed to have complete control over my life. I’d attempted to go hang on the block with a few old friends, and them bitch ass niggas ran me off. They were claiming that Kaydoa said that I wasn’t allowed to kick it out there, and they had to respect his wishes. Therefore, I often found myself wondering around aimlessly. I felt like I had no one to turn to. Monay was still my girl, but it didn’t feel the same, hanging with her and Hurt while they were still so close to Kaydoa. They often still kicked it as a group, and I was no longer invited. Nay would try to kick it with me when she had time, but that wasn’t very often. She was the type that was always with her man. So, I was on my own. I’d hang with my sister, but she was never somebody you could actually hold a real conversation with. Her understanding was horrible. Often times I found myself just crying. That fancy car and house I had didn’t mean shit. There was nobody there to hold me, console me, make me feel needed. I needed somebody that still wanted me in their lives. And that’s how I found myself chilling with Boo.

  Boo was a mid-level hustler at best, and I had no interest in having a relationship with him. He was simply something to do. He had his own spot which was convenient for us both, and he was cool as hell. He’d fucked my head up, confessing that he wanted to explore a serious relationship with me. I told him that we could take things slow, but he and I both knew that I was bullshitting him. Kaydoa had fucked it up for everybody. He had my expectations so high that no man could measure up.

  Still, it felt good to know that somebody wanted my ass. I tried my best to keep things neutral between us. But the man was relentless. He was trying any and everything to get closer to me. Honestly, the more I saw the more I knew that we’d never be more than friends.

  Hanging with Boo took on a new meaning one night. I’d popped a Xanax, while he fired up a Newport cigarette. Although, I’d never indulged in hard drugs I knew most of them a mile away. So, I recognized that he’d clearly dipped that cigarette in embalming fluid the moment he lit it. He took a few hits, and his mind seemed to venture off some place far away. He wasn’t on this planet, which meant that he wasn’t dealing with the hassles of life. He was escaping. I desperately needed to get away, so I decided to throw caution to the wind.

  “Let me hit that,” he nudged him.

  He cut his eyes at me. “You aint ready for this, girl.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Let me be the judge of that. Let me hit it.”

  Shrugging, he passed me the cigarette. Taking a few puffs, I felt a little weird. I continued to take drags, until I was lifted. I was lifted so far above the world that nothing mattered, anymore. It was just me, that cigarette, and the liquid gold I was inhaling. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, as I floated through the universe. There was no tears. No pain. Just soothing comfortableness.

  Somewhere along the line, I felt Boo’s tongue on my neck, and I welcomed it. His body felt good on mine, and I let him have his way with me. He took his time, caressing my body, licking every crack and crevice. He was gentle, making slow love to my body, while my mind and heart were millions of miles away. Frankly, he just didn’t do it for me. But that wet he smoked did. I’d found a Band-Aid to repair my bleeding heart. No, it wouldn’t significantly change anything, but it made me feel better. Even if it was just for the moment.

  Kaydoa

  “Get ya bitch ass out the street!” I shouted at a white pedestrian crossing the road.

  I was pissed the fuck off, and the slightest thing was gonna send me over the edge. I’d just received a call from Kaylah’s daycare, reporting that she hadn’t been there in three days. I’d been gone out of town, handling busin
ess, and had left Kaylah wit her trifling ass mama. I called myself being nice, letting Black Reign keep my daughter. She’d been whining and complaining about not getting enough time wit Kaylah, and turns around and do this shit. I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up, so I was headed over there to see what the fuck was up.

  Ever since I’d found out that her slutty ass had fucked my pops, I’d been having minimum contact wit her. Everything was all fucked up. Me and my daddy’s newly developed relationship was now strained, and I wasn’t fucking wit my mama at all. She was out of line for that whole outburst at my party, and I’d washed my hands wit her. Me and Black Reign would never be again, and I was trying my best to co-parent wit her. But the way shit was looking she was probably gonna get her fuckin’ rights revoked. Some of that shit Farrah was saying about her being unfit was beginning to seem more of a reality.

  The only one solid consistent person in my life seemed to be Farrah and my daughter. No matter how much I’d dragged her through the mud she’d been right there, and I’d been making a effort in focusing on us again. I know so much shit had happened, and there were so many trust issues, but she was sticking it out, and I decided that I’d do the same.

  When I pulled up to the house that I paid all the fuckin’ bills at, I couldn’t believe my eyes. There were cars all in the driveway, and the distinctive sound of rap music blasting from the house. I had to brace myself, as I let myself into the house. There were several unfamiliar faces just lounging around in the living room. Weed smoke was in the air like my fuckin’ daughter didn’t reside there. I waved my head, as I ventured deeper into the house. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen area, so headed in that direction. Standing a few feet away, I still got the full picture of what was going on.