Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  The timer clicks. Louie’s point score goes up. Soon Alex can redeem the points to furnish Louie’s playroom. Dani looks in the fridge for dinner stuff. She orders pizza, salad, and soda for their supper, using the twenty bucks in her wallet.

  Alex goes to bed and Dani starts her precalculus homework. She looks at her hands and rubs them. She checks on Alex to make sure he’s still alive. She decides she must do something to prevent herself from possibly killing him. If, say, for instance, it’s a quiet moment like this and Dani finds herself—without really wanting to but on some kind of autopilot—heading upstairs with a knife while Alex sleeps. She looks through Mrs. Alex’s kitchen drawers to see if there are any knives that could kill someone. She finds three large knives, including a black-handled one that looks really deadly. She hides the knives in a box of crafts supplies in the garage. She locks the garage. She checks on Alex again. She unlocks the garage and puts the knives back in place ten minutes before Mrs. Alex comes home.

  12

  The next day in school, Dani’s French teacher shows a film in which a boy is beaten by his father. This gets Dani thinking again about the guy who murdered his stepdaughter. His name, she knows by now, is Charles Bickie. Charles Bickie crossed a line, the line that separates nonmurderers from murderers. Once, for many days and many years, he was like her: a nonmurderer. But what he really was was a premurderer. His life was about to change—big time. She wonders if Charles Bickie stepped over that line by premeditated act or if he simply snapped. Dani tries to remember how Alex looked the last time she checked on him. She decides to call after school to make sure he’s okay.

  13

  After calling Mrs. Alex (“He’s fine. Why, was there a problem?”), Dani walks with Shelley to Icey’s. The whole restaurant has been hijacked by a child’s birthday party.

  “Should we sit at the counter?” Dani asks.

  “Let’s wait,” Shelley says. “Maybe a table will open up. Oh my God, look!”

  In the corner beside the miniature igloo and fake fireplace is a discreet table that’s ideal for whispered conversations, for hugging and kissing, or, if you want to get really crude, fondling and groping your date, although Dani has never groped anyone in the booth or been groped there. She’s surprised to see Gordy sitting there talking to a guy in a tweed newsboy cap. But when Gordy and the guy wave, the guy turns out to be Meghan Dimmock.

  “Oh my God!” Shelley says. “Oh no, oh no, oh no.”

  Several possibilities come to Dani’s mind, raising their hands to volunteer for suckiest. One, that Gordy and Meghan are dating, which flashed through her mind once in practice when several people were out sick and Gordy and Meghan ended up massaging each other. Dani watched Meghan’s fingers work their way down, lingering on each of Gordy’s vertebrae. Then Gordy’s fingers got down as far as her bra hooks and he gave her a pat and sent her on her way. Dani liked the fact that Gordy apparently had standards and boundaries. But now he’s sitting in the corner booth beside Meghan’s cleavage.

  “I’m so sorry, Shell,” Dani says.

  “Hey, guys!” Meghan sopranos. In the cap she looks girly and boyish at the same time. “Come sit with us!”

  Gordy waves his ice cream spoon at them. He would never yell with his mouth full.

  “Do you want to?” Dani asks Shelley.

  “We have to,” Shelley says. “They already saw us. What can we do, turn around and walk out?”

  Dani and Shelley link arms and walk to the booth together.

  “You guys!” Meghan screams, hugging them. She’s wearing plaid capris and a short, tight cardigan. A trace of her makeup sticks to Dani’s face. It feels like it’ll stay there forever, like the bits of glitter that get lost in the carpet.

  Gordy hands them menus. “We’re almost done, but you guys order whatever you want. Burgers, dinner, my treat.” In addition to everything else excellent about Gordy, his dad is an important lawyer and gives him tons of spending money. Dani’s mom works with lots of lawyers, but never with Mr. Abt, because he works only in Boston.

  Meghan leans across the table and grabs one of Shelley’s wrists and one of Dani’s.

  “Hey, you two. Do you think there’ll be any scouts from American Idol at the end-of-year concert?”

  “If I’m singing, the only scouts will be exit scouts,” Shelley answers.

  “Are you kidding?” Dani says. “You’re an excellent musician.”

  “You are,” Gordy agrees.

  “Gordy and I were just talking about whether this group is the best showcase for my skills,” says Meghan.

  “You should do more singing on your own,” Shelley says. “With just a piano. Torch songs.”

  Dani pulls back her wrist so she can hold the menu. “I’ll just have ice cream. I can pay for my own.”

  “No, I insist,” Gordy says. “Really, it’s no problem.”

  He’s paying and it’s no problem, Dani thinks. So technically, if the other two weren’t here, if he didn’t appear to be seeing Meghan, and if we had arranged this in advance . . . if everything about this were different, it would be a date!

  Shelley hasn’t pulled away. A line of pink spreads from her chin to her bandanna. Dani wonders what Meghan’s true deal is. Meghan might be the kind of straight girl who flirts with both sexes.

  The food comes. Dani concentrates on eating her butterscotch sundae without dropping gooey stuff on the table.

  Gordon tells how All-State band rehearsals were run compared to the way Mr. Gabler runs his. Meghan dips her spoon into his Heath bar ice cream and scoops up a dark spike of candy.

  “Mmm,” she says.

  Then Meghan feeds Gordy a spoonful of his own ice cream.

  “Oopsh!” he says, surprised, trying to block the ice cream from his pale blue dress shirt.

  “Let me clean you up,” Meghan says, reaching for his face with her napkin.

  Poor Shelley, Dani thinks. “Do you need us to leave?” Dani asks Meghan.

  “No.”

  “Not at all,” says Gordy.

  A friend of Gordy’s stops to say hi. “Let’s go as soon as they’re done,” Dani whispers to Shelley while the others are talking.

  “No way. This is an opportunity. We’re staying right here.”

  Dani stirs her sundae until it turns beige. She feels a piercing romantic pain, but she’ll stay for Shelley. Meghan aims a spoonful of Heath bar sundae at Shelley’s mouth.

  “Hey!” Gordy grabs Meghan’s arm. “There won’t be any left!”

  “Isn’t this getting unsanitary?” Dani asks.

  Shelley opens her mouth, even though Dani knows Shelley only likes ice cream with fruit flavors. Dani thinks they’ll always remember this, the day Shelley got her heart broken at Icey’s.

  Meghan, you skank! Why don’t you and Shelley show everybody what lesbos do?

  Oh God, please, Dani thinks. Not here. Not now. No, please no. This is the worst possible time. Not with these three people. Not with Shelley. Not in front of Meghan. For God’s sake, she’s my best friend. Please go away, thoughts. You can come back another time.

  But the thoughts only get stronger. Dani imagines her own voice saying, That’s right, Shelley, you lesbo with your skank girlfriend! Why don’t you put on a show for everybody?

  Did I say that in front of a child’s birthday party? Dani touches her lips to see if they’re moving.

  Meghan sees Dani touching her lips. “Napkin, babe?” She zooms in with the same napkin she’s been using on Gordy and Shelley.

  Lesbo, lesbo, skank, skank!

  How could I even think that? Dani wonders. Okay, I do think Meghan is kind of cheap, but I would never say that in front of Shelley. It would hurt Shelley to the quick and I know she’d be furious at me. And what difference does my opinion of Meghan make, anyway? Meghan doesn’t need to know what I think of her. And that lesbo thing, I don’t believe it’s wrong; I know I don’t. It doesn’t matter to me if Shelley is gay or straight. She’s just Shelley. I’
ve looked deep inside myself and I truly don’t believe I’m homophobic. But then why would I even think that? Does it mean I am bigoted? I can’t stay here. I’m about to ruin everything for Shelley.

  Dani grabs her pack from under the table. “I gotta get up,” she tells Shelley. She watches Shelley for a reaction to any homophobic remarks she may have made.

  “Dude, we just sat down,” Shelley says.

  “Bathroom?” Meghan asks. “I’ll come with you, chiquita.”

  “Gotta get home,” Dani says. “My mom’s making a special dinner.”

  “Uh-oh,” Gordy says. “Somebody ate dessert before dinner. Stay and finish. We won’t tell.”

  “Don’t bail on me now,” Shelley says. She grabs the edge of Dani’s sweatshirt. “The four of us have so much to talk about. Maybe we can mutiny and take the Hawtones in a whole new direction.”

  “What time will you be done with dinner?” Gordy asks. “We can all drive around in my car and practice together.”

  “I mean it, Dani,” Shelley whispers. “Don’t bail on me now. You hate those dinners. Call Bethie and say you can’t come.”

  “I need to go,” Dani says. “Thank you for the ice cream.”

  Gordy stands up while Dani gets out of the booth. “You’re welcome. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay. Maybe I can buy you dinner sometime. Somewhere nicer than this.”

  “It was very nice,” she says, hardly hearing him. Dani hurries past the parents of the birthday child, who stand by patiently, crunching gift paper into an open bag. She can’t wait to get outside, away from children and friends and anyone else who could get hurt.

  14

  “Call me this second,” says the text message.

  Dani waits for the right moment to excuse herself.

  “Why don’t we have our coffee in the living room?” Beth asks. Dani knows this means Sean and not her.

  Sean gets up. “Wonderful, Beth. I better be careful or you’ll fatten me up.” He pats his stomach. Unlike Dani’s mom, who often jumps on the elliptical trainer after a long day selling real estate, Sean doesn’t take good care of his body. But Dani’s mom doesn’t care. She thinks Sean is desirable to every woman he meets. “He’s so good-looking,” Beth often says, tapping the computer screen after posting pictures of the latest real estate party. “Isn’t he?”

  “I’ll clear, Mom. That was delicious, thanks.” Dani removes the rack of lamb and the bowl of herbed potatoes. Her phone vibrates again. “Where are you? Need to talk to you. You will not believe this.” Her mother goes into the living room with espresso and a tray of cookies.

  “What, what, what?” Dani says to Shelley.

  “Hi,” Shelley says. Then a long pause.

  “What? ‘Call me, call me, I need to talk,’ and now you’re not saying anything?”

  “I can’t talk. It’s too amazing.”

  “What is?”

  “It’s too amazing to even say.”

  “Is this about what happened at Icey’s?”

  “Meghan and I are going to a movie.”

  “When?”

  “Probably Saturday. She has to check about something else. It’ll be a long wait.”

  “How did this happen?”

  “I asked her when the three of us were leaving Icey’s, and she said yes!”

  “The three of you? Gordy was still there too?”

  “Yep. We all left together.”

  “Was it weird asking in front of him?”

  “I was pretty cool about it. You should have seen me. I wish you had stayed!”

  “Sorry, I just started feeling really uncomfortable.”

  “It was the best time! You should have stayed.”

  “I can’t believe you’re seeing a movie with Meghan Dimmock.”

  “I said, ‘Hey, do you want to hang out sometime, maybe go to a movie?’ Really low-key.”

  Dani carries the dirty silverware from the dining room to the dishwasher.

  “Can anybody hear you?” Shelley asks.

  “Nobody’s listening. They’re in the living room. Sean is eating hundreds of tiny cookies. Where are you?”

  “Home. Almost home. You’re still the only one I’ve told. That knows me, that is. I’m in a couple of chat rooms, but no one there knows who I am. Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

  “Of course not. I have not told anyone and I absolutely swear that I’ll never tell anyone.”

  “Okay. I just get really nervous about it.”

  Dani tries to imagine being Shelley. She wonders if the secrecy takes some fun out of parts of being young, such as falling in love, or if the secrecy makes falling in love more special, more sacred.

  “You’re brave, you know that?” Dani says.

  Nothing on Shelley’s end for a minute. Then, “I guess you’re right,” she says.

  15

  Later that night, Beth’s office phone rings. The display says GORDON ABT.

  “I’ll get it, Mom,” says Dani.

  “Um, hi. Hello?” comes the voice at the other end.

  “Hi,” says Dani.

  “It’s Gordon. I hope you don’t mind that I’m calling.”

  “No, I don’t mind. Did Shelley give you this number?”

  “I got it from the phone book.”

  “Right. My mother’s number,” Dani says. “That’s no problem.” Duh. Why is she saying “no problem”? Has he thanked her for something? No. Is his call inconvenient? No. Is she implying that using her mother’s number violated her privacy? She isn’t making much sense. But she’s still reacting to seeing that name on the screen. Beth and Sean are still in the living room.

  “It was cool running into you at Icey’s. I wish you could have stayed.”

  Why? Dani wants to ask. But she says, “Thank you again for the ice cream. Sorry I had to rush off.”

  “There’s something I wanted to ask you, though I couldn’t say it in front of the other two.”

  What could that be, since you’re dating Meghan?

  “I think it would be cool if we learned the new songs together. Or even if we practiced together as a regular thing. I mean, since you support the soloist and I do the rhythm line.”

  “Wow,” Dani replies. “That would be great.” She reaches for her cell phone. She’s going to text this to Shelley: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  “You sound hesitant.”

  I do? I thought I sounded too eager. “No, really,” Dani says. “I would like to. I mean it. It would help us learn the music and it would be kind of . . . fun.”

  “Okay, then. My house all right? I have a keyboard at home, plus I have a MIDI player we can run the music through. But your sightreading seems pretty good.”

  “I can tell whether the notes go up or down,” Dani says, although actually she does more than that.

  “Me too,” Gordy says.

  “I guess so, Mr. All-State!” Dani never teased Gordy before. The intensity of her crush made every conversation deathly serious. At night she reviewed everything they said to each other, sifting each conversation for stupidity and errors, like a gold miner in reverse. Now his having called makes her feel light, as if a rainy, fast-drying road is opening up in front of them.

  “I had a lot of music classes where I lived before I came here,” Gordy tells her. “Private lessons, too. My mom thought music was really important.”

  “So this rehearsal concept of yours,” Dani says. “When would it start?”

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “I have to babysit.”

  “Tuesday?”

  “Sure,” Dani says. Mrs. Alex doesn’t work that day. “Well, thanks for calling. I’ll be looking forward to that.”

  “Wait! Can we talk for a few minutes?”

  “Sure.” Ugh, I’m acting so awkward. He’s going to think nobody ever calls me.

  “So do you enjoy being in Hawtones, or do you view it as more of a résumé builder?”

  “A little of both. I wish the song selections were better.”


  “What do you like most about being in the group?”

  “I could ask you the same question.”

  “Should I tell you?”

  “Sure, if you want.”

  “With my horn playing, I don’t really need another music activity on my transcript. I keep going to rehearsal because I like knowing that I’ll see you.”

  “Really?” Even though her heart had vaulted like a gymnast at seeing his name on the caller ID, Dani hadn’t expected anything like this.

  “I enjoy it mostly because of you,” he repeats. “So.”

  “Am I supposed to be playing hard-to-get here?” Dani asks.

  “Not necessarily.”

  “I enjoy going to rehearsal for the same reason. But what about Meghan?”

  “You mean at Icey’s?”

  “I guess I made other assumptions. Sharing the ice cream.”

  “I admit I played that up a little. I was looking for an indication from you. A sign.”

  “You’re giving me a lot to think about,” Dani says. “I sort of want to hang up so I can go away and think about it. Is that insulting?”

  “Not really. I understand how you feel.”

  “So.”

  “Want to both hang up?” Gordon asks. “Even though it would be impolite?”

  “Sure.”

  “Let’s not even say good-bye.”

  “No, let’s not. In fact, the person who hangs up quicker is showing how much they need to go away and think about—”

  16

  Now Dani’s so high, nothing can bring her down.

  It’s me! It’s me! It’s not Meghan, It’s me! The sublime coincidence of the person she likes very much liking her very much back. What were the chances of that?

  He’s mine!

  She’s on time for Alex the next day. She challenges him to ten footraces around the block. Afterward, they go online and play with Louie. Dani’s phone rings. She tries not to answer it when she’s with Alex in case he’s mad or sad that he’s not getting her full attention. But Gordy has her cell number now, so she has to at least check. It’s Shelley, announcing that she talked to Meghan one minute ago.