Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  “I don’t think so.”

  “What did you do to avoid performing these acts you had thought about?”

  “Oh, yeah”—Dani laughs, because it seems strange to tell someone this—“I asked my mother to lock her door so I wouldn’t kill her. I also took some of the knives out of Mrs. Alex’s kitchen and hid them in the garage so I couldn’t get at them.”

  “Dani, have you heard of obsessive-compulsive disorder?”

  “I don’t have that,” Dani says.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because a girl in my school, a senior, had OCD and she was missing classes because she was in the bathroom constantly, washing her hands. Her hands got all red and cracked. Her name was Layla Amundsen, but people called her Lobster Claw. Not to her face, though, because she was mostly normal and actually kind of popular. She was really open about what she had. When she started to get better, she talked about it at Health Day. She even did a display about OCD at the science fair. I don’t see what that has to do with my having bad thoughts.”

  “That’s because you have a different type. Some people worry about getting sick, so they always wash their hands. You worry about hurting people, so you hide knives.

  “You have obsessions—thoughts that wouldn’t go away—followed by compulsions—activities you have to do in order to feel better.”

  Dani never looked at her problems this way, as a thought followed by an action. She’s surprised that Dr. Mandel can place her problems in a pattern.

  “Are you saying that you’ve met other people who think the same way?” she asks.

  “Many.”

  Dani looks down at her hands, folded in her lap. They’re strong and soft with shiny oval nails, but she wishes they were the cracked and scaly mitts of Lobster Claw.

  “You look sad right now, Dani.”

  “I’m envious of Layla.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she could be open about her OCD, but I can’t be open about what I have.”

  “Why not?”

  Dani unfolds her hands and smooths her skirt again. “Because what I have scares people.”

  Dr. Mandel leans forward. “There’s no one at all that you can be open with?”

  “My mom,” Dani says. “And this guy I’ve been dating.” She thinks for a minute. “And . . . I have a friend. We got on the wrong track. But when I get better I’d like to tell her everything.”

  “It sounds like you’re looking forward to getting better. What else do you need to know about this illness?”

  “I don’t understand why the thoughts change so much. I begin to expect certain ones, but then new ones pop up in different situations when I totally don’t expect them. I can’t keep up. It’s driving me crazy.”

  Dr. Mandel nods, as if she’s heard this before. “The nature of the thoughts is that they can change to suit the thinker and the setting. They mutate into whatever you would find most repugnant.”

  “So the thoughts are happening on their own? I’m not really going to do those things? I’m not really a potential murderer?”

  “I don’t know. There are murderers in many populations. Some of them may have OCD.”

  “Please, tell me I’m not going to kill anyone. I won’t even need any more treatment if you tell me that. That will be the end of it. Just tell me I’m not a murderer and I’ll go away happy.”

  “I can’t, Dani. I’m sorry if it sounds cold, but the way the therapy works is that I can’t reassure you. You have to live with the anxiety that your worst nightmares may come true. That’s the chance you have to take in order to get better.”

  Dr. Mandel asks Dani to rank her thoughts from least upsetting to most upsetting.

  “That’s easy,” Dani decides after a while. The more damage she could cause, the more distressing the thought is to her. So thoughts about hurting or killing bother her more than thoughts of shocking people or yelling insults, even though those actions could have lasting effects, like getting suspended or losing someone’s friendship.

  “You look sad again,” Dr. Mandel says.

  Dani squeezes her hands together. “A lot of damage has already been done. Even though I haven’t killed or insulted anyone. When I go back, my life won’t be the same.”

  “Can you undo any of the damage?”

  “If people let me I can.”

  “What is that you’re doing with your hands?” Dr. Mandel asks.

  “When I think about hurting another person I do this to make sure I’m not really touching anyone.”

  “Does it help?”

  “Only for a minute.”

  “Then maybe it’s time to try something that works better.”

  103

  Dani’s mother waits in a rented car outside Dr. Mandel’s, dressed in business clothes. Dani hasn’t seen her since the morning.

  “We’re back to looking alike!” Beth says.

  “Not bad,” Dani replies. Her mother has dyed her hair black.

  Both of them wear sunglasses. Beth takes her to the Thai restaurant on the first floor of their hotel and requests a corner table close to the door.

  “So how was your first day?” Beth asks.

  “Sort of surprising. Dr. Mandel seems very familiar with what I have.”

  “That’s a relief.”

  “I know. That part made me feel much better. But when I asked her if she thought I would actually kill someone, she said that was a possibility.”

  Beth gets that airgun look again. “Well . . . ,” she begins. “To be honest, I thought about taking you to a facility that was more . . .”

  “More what?”

  “More of an inpatient facility. Someplace secure.” Dani rubs her hands. Her mother means a place where she would be locked up. That sounds appealing, actually, like the woods. A place where she couldn’t hurt anyone. “But Dr. Mandel said she didn’t think it was necessary,” Beth finishes.

  “I guess she must know,” Dani says uncertainly.

  “Anyway, here’s to your recovery,” Beth toasts Dani with a Diet Coke. They eat quickly and return to their suite. It has two bedrooms and a sitting room. Beth locks the door to her bedroom.

  104

  The Dogg House

  Sniffing Out That Babysitter

  Your blog host: Sheepdogg

  Where There’s Death, There’s Beth?

  Beth Solomon’s car has been parked in the driveway 24/7 (not her style at all—hmmm), but from the looks of it BetSo has not been sleeping at home. Most likely the Predator’s Parent is doing the mother-hen thing at whatever institution Deadly Daughter is checking out, and we’re not talking about college visits here. Boston? Belmont? Newton? Dogg suspects they’ve hightailed it to Aspen, Colorado, where the right money can hush up a private nuthouse.

  In the meantime, the spoiled son of a rich lawyer in town is looking pretty mopey, and the sicko’s sidekick is sobbing on a certain same-sex shoulder. It’s not exactly Girls Gone Wild, but if the sight of four tanned legs and four perky breasts united in budding more-than-friendship turns you on, you may want to check it out.

  “How are they getting all this information?” Dani asks Beth. “They don’t even know me.”

  “Stop reading that stuff,” Beth says. “Stop looking at that stuff and just ignore them.”

  105

  Channel 5 News

  Consumer Corner

  Anchor: Parents are asking, How do I know if my babysitter is safe? Now a New Bedford high-tech company specializing in surveillance equipment is helping parents in crisis. Call it . . . the babysitter trap. Michael Soares of HomeSpy Technologies has developed a fascinating tool for keeping our loved ones secure. Michael?

  Guest: Meredith, HomeSpy has created a brand-new product called the Dani Cam for parents who want to keep their kids safe.

  Anchor: How does it work, Michael?

  Guest: The Dani Cam is more than just a hidden surveillance camera. It’s a proprietary, fully customizable suite of cameras,
sensors, and computers. It uses state-of-the-art image processing technology to recognize you, your children, and the babysitter. When either a child or the babysitter behaves in a way that’s out of the ordinary, it will send an alarm to both the police and your cell phone.

  Anchor: What red flags trigger an alarm?

  Guest: On the babysitter’s part, the presence of a gun or knife, or violent behavior such as striking, shaking, or strangling. We also provide these wired T-shirts for your kids to wear anytime the babysitter is in the house. The shirts alert you to any abnormal physical signs such as slowed breathing or a decrease in body temperature. Of course, the system isn’t going to wait for a red flag before it starts talking to you. It learns all your daily routines and will signal when the child has been put to bed too late or too early or if the babysitter has brought unauthorized friends or visitors into the home. The Dani Cam is unquestionably the next generation in protection against your babysitter.

  Anchor: Sounds like just what parents need in these uncertain times.

  Guest: That’s the world we live in, Meredith.

  106

  Dani turns off the television. She pokes around the Beacon-Times site to see what’s been going on at school. She reads the 177 comments on the article “Solomon ‘Gone,’” including this one:

  Rowdie wrote:

  Do not allow the constraints of “law” to tie your hands when it comes to your children’s safety.

  Rowdie has posted a link to the POK website, and Dani follows it.

  107

  On the POK website are photos of people accused of crimes against children. Each person holds a sign saying PROTECT OUR KIDS. Across each photo is the word Exterminated, Detained, or Modified. Another group of pictures is labeled At Large. Her tennis photo from the Beacon-Times is one of them. Each page of the site has a PayPal widget so people can give donations. When she shows Beth the website, Beth calls their lawyer to try to have the photo removed.

  Dani texts Gordy:

  “It’s good to be out of Hawthorne. Thanks for helping me. Miss you. Still can’t tell you where I am.”

  Gordy replies:

  “As long as I know you’re safe.”

  108

  Shelley finds a note in her locker:

  “I’m really glad we’re hanging out together. A lot of bad stuff has happened lately. But without the bad stuff happening, some of the good stuff would not have happened, like us getting to be such good friends.”

  Hanging from the coat hook is a soft, pale blue bear with a ribbon around his neck.

  Shelley thinks, It’s just like my parents always say. When God closes a door, He opens a window.

  109

  “Let’s talk some more about Alex,” Dr. Mandel suggests.

  Dani clasps her hands.

  “What kinds of thoughts did you have about Alex?”

  “I don’t like talking about it. He’s only a little kid. I hate talking about what happened with him.”

  “I know, but you’ve been doing so well.”

  Dani tells the doctor about how trusting Alex is, how much he looks up to her, how sometimes he even said that he liked her more than his own mother. She tells about the thoughts of going up to his room with a knife and parts of him that should be inside showing on the outside. But the worst part is the look in his eyes when he sees her, when the bad stuff is about to happen, and how he realizes that she is not the person he thought she was. Sometimes she imagined waking him up first, and telling him, “I’m going to kill you.” She also imagined Alex saying something he would never say because he’s so little and it would all be moving so fast, but she can’t get the phrase out of her mind. It’s like what Shelley said when she figured out that Dani was the babysitter: “You, Dani, you?”

  “How do you feel right now, talking about Alex?”

  “My heart is pounding and my palms feel tingly.”

  “That’s to be expected.”

  Beth meets Dani outside after the session. Dani is so rattled that she’s silent all the way to the hotel.

  110

  Shelley fantasizes about inviting Meghan to the end-of-season tennis banquet so that everyone will know they’re together and Meghan can see how important Shelley is to the team and watch her get announced as a co-captain for her senior year. But Shelley could never do that. She knows people do it at some schools. But not here.

  111

  “A couple of days ago we ranked your thoughts,” Dr. Mandel says. “Do you remember that?”

  “Yes,” Dani says. “I told you I was more upset about thoughts of killing someone than insulting them.”

  “Let’s start with the insults then,” Dr. Mandel says, “and work our way up to the more upsetting thoughts. I’m not going to try to make you stop thinking these things. That would be like asking you not to think of an orange sea lion—all you’d be able to think about would be orange sea lions. Instead I’ll help you expose yourself to the thoughts without seeking relief in your compulsions. Eventually, the thoughts will become less disturbing. Only by accepting the thoughts, not fighting them, can you cause them not to have power over you.”

  Dr. Mandel has Dani visualize and describe, in great detail, what it would be like to call her mother a dried-up twat: the ugly word bursting out of Dani’s mouth, her mother’s face crumpled in hurt and disbelief, Dani’s knowledge that her mother is vulnerable because her father left Beth for a younger woman, and because her mother feels insecure about how desirable she is to her stupid boyfriend. Dani wants to touch her mouth to make sure she hasn’t said twat to her mother. But she folds her hands in her lap.

  Next Dr. Mandel has Dani imagine outing Shelley, calling her a dyke in front of the Monsignor Deagle tennis team: Shelley’s humiliation; the surprise of the other team, which expects Dani to be the epitome of good sportsmanship; the shock of her coaches; the anger of everyone in the Gay-Straight Alliance and maybe even the school administration once the incident is reported. Worst of all, Dani is revealed as an unworthy friend.

  “How do you feel?” Dr. Mandel asks at the end of the hour.

  “Awful,” Dani tells her. “It seems like if I can imagine those things, I’m just one step away from them coming true. But actually, the words are bothering me a little less than they did an hour ago.”

  “Good. See you tomorrow,” Dr. Mandel says.

  112

  Every time Shelley looks at the blue bear she feels a little braver. On her run after school she wonders if it’s time to tell Meghan about her feelings. In the coming-out stories she read on the Internet or heard at GSA, people discussed the best way to tell someone you like them as more than a friend. Some lucky people were out from age twelve or thirteen. But what if, like Shelley, you were not openly gay? Should you come out to that person and wait for a reaction, or should you skip that part and tell the person about your feelings? The safest way is to start by saying that you’re gay. If you’re really lucky, the other person will say “me too.”

  Shelley keeps thinking about it as she cools down a block from the house. She doesn’t want to decide too soon. She’s never said “I love you” to anyone but family and friends. She’s never kissed or held hands with a girl, only with boys, and there was nothing exciting about it. I want to hurry, but I don’t want to, Shelley thinks, going home to babysit for her brother, Ralphie. I want this part of my time with Meghan to last forever.

  113

  “What will we work on today?” Dani asks Dr. Mandel when she returns to the office.

  “Let’s hear about the insults to Shelley and your mom,” says Dr. Mandel.

  “Again?”

  Dani imagines a tennis match in which she goes up to the linesman and announces Shelley’s gayness over a loudspeaker. She imagines calling her mother a dried-up twat, but this time she says it in front of Sean. Dani feels even more anxious than when she started therapy.

  “What will we work on tomorrow?” Dani asks.

  “The same thing,” Dr. Mand
el replies.

  114

  By the fifth day Dani has become accustomed to the anxiety the words dyke and twat create. She’s anxious, but a little bored at the same time.

  “Can we move on to something else?” she asks.

  “Let’s give it one more day,” Dr. Mandel insists.

  115

  Meghan tells Shelley about the boyfriend she had back in Pennsylvania, where she lived until two years ago. “Sam and I met in a coffeehouse,” she says. “He’s a really great singer/songwriter and he wrote some songs for me. He sent me one recently, as a matter of fact.”

  “Cool. How come you guys broke up?” Shelley asks.

  “Because I moved here.”

  Maybe Meghan is using the old boyfriend as a cover, as a beard. Shelley has referred to boys as boyfriends too, but those boys never meant anything. Shelley wishes Dani were here to hear, study, and analyze every word Meghan says. It’s tough going through something like this alone.

  116

  “How is your anxiety today, Dani?” Dr. Mandel asks.

  “Not bad.”

  “Can you assign it a number from one to ten?”

  “Somewhere between four and six.”

  Dani is tired of being cooped up in the hotel so much of the time. Yesterday she went to a bookstore with Beth’s credit card. She bought a Jane Austen novel, two movies, and some workout DVDs they could do together in the room. And Beth let her jog around the neighborhood wearing large sunglasses and a hat. No one seemed to have been following her. She hopes that in a day or two Beth will loosen up enough that the two of them can go to some concerts and museums.

  “Let’s try to raise your anxiety a bit. Tell me more about the knives in Alex’s house that bothered you. The ones you moved to the garage. What did they look like? How large were they?”