by Christina OW
“That slap wasn’t hard enough,” she took another swing but I caught her arm. Then I blankly stared at her. I never thought I would ever get to feel her soft skin again. She looked at me uneasily like she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do next. I wanted to kiss her, to feel those soft lips again but before I could do anything her hand faded out of my grip and she took a step back.
She kept her eyes away from me as she rubbed her neck nervously- like she used to do- as she spoke determinately, “I’m done asking now I’m telling,” she swallowed her nerves and stared at me straight in the eyes harshly, “You will raise our child whether you like it or not. You are either going to get your job back or live off your family’s money, I don’t care which just get yourself cleaned up before she arrives.”
I took a swig of my beer, the tender moment already passed and gone, “You’re dead. You can’t force me to do anything. I’m not going to do it.”
“I’m a ghost who’s going to haunt your ass everywhere you go and make your life a living hell, and yes you will.”
I exhaled, tired of the fights exhausted from the hang over, “I don’t want to fight,” I moved closer to her, “I want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can before you have to leave, forever.”
She moved away, “You know what to do if you want me around.”
Unable to contain my frustration any more I yelled at her, “I’m not going to let you arm twist me into doing this. Your sister is your accomplice in this. She started it so she should go all the way with it. Let her raise your little bundle of joy!”
“Goodbye William.”
*
Days, weeks and months passed, and like a junky waiting for my next fix I anxiously waited for her to come back but she never came. I was getting desperate again, but I wasn’t about to slit my wrists instead I walked around everyday looking for her, visiting the places she loved but she wasn’t in any of those places, not in the pastry stores nor the animal shelter nor in the community gardens around town, she was nowhere.
Kristy didn’t know how right she was, she was torturing me and at the end of each day I drowned myself in alcohol unable to bear the quiet lonely air around me.
I didn’t get why she was doing this to me. I’ve loved her all my life in death and in life, I’ve done everything she’s asked of me and made the impossible possible for her and yet she was insisting on punishing me in the cruelest way known to man kind.
Once I went to the place we had the accident and just stood there, staring at the spot my wife, my Kristy had died and felt my heart rip into shreds remembering her cries, and all the blood draining out of her broken back. I couldn’t do anything to help her. I couldn’t do a thing to take the pain away.
She was in so much pain...
There was so much blood...
But I’m glad I passed out before she died. I couldn’t have taken watching her die. It most certainly would have killed me.
Maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing, dying with her, she wouldn’t have been alone.
Well she wasn’t alone. I was next to her passed out but, it should have been different. It wasn’t the same as really being there for her, holding her hand or soothing her or something... just do something to comfort her during that scary time.
I stood there and watched cars pass on the fatal crossroad and kept expecting them to crush into each other like I did. I wasn’t sure whether to be glad or not that we crushed into a truck and not a mini-van with an entire family in it because maybe if we had, as selfish as it may sound, someone else would be dead and maybe I would have had someone else to share my loneliness with.
Selfish and sadistic yes, but I would have someone who understands me, someone to keep me company.
After a long day of searching for the ghost who intends on making me suffer forever, I went back home to find Sandra inside cleaning up. She was taking care of me, like she always does. I wasn’t up for company but no one had come up with a way of effectively getting rid of her when she was worried.
“You don’t have to do that,” I sounded as depressed as I felt. I threw my jacket on the floor but the dagger eyes she gave me made me pick it up and hang it in the closet.
She pulled the cleaning gloves off as she followed me to the living room. “It’s the least I could do for the animals I’m sure have already moved in here. Where have you been?”
I dropped on to the couch and stared blankly at the dark TV screen, “Around.”
She walked round the couch and stood in front of me and stared down at me worriedly, “You seem restless,” she started cautiously. I knew she was worried about my reaction for what she was about to say, but right now, I really didn’t care. “Kristy... she hasn’t been around has she?”
“No,” I answered more flat and irate than I intended to be.
“She might be around Amanda,” she blurted out and a second after she did her eyes popped out like she wished she hadn’t.
“Who’s Amanda?” The irritation in my voice sounding out, and I was glad it did so that she could see exactly how serious I was.
“The surrogate.... your baby’s surrogate,” she stammered.
An angry growl escaped my throat as I stood up and walk away. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to take this crap today.
“You might as well get used to it now considering she’ll be here in three months,” she yelled behind me. I could hear the emotion in her voice, like she was struggling not to cry. But I didn’t care I was battling with my own emotions.
I stood at the window and looked out at the busy city. It had been four months since I last saw my Kristy, four long torturous months.
“We are going to name her Kristy after her mother,” Sandra continued the emotion more audible in her voice.
“It’s a girl?” I wasn’t bothered with whether it was a girl or not but showing a little interest may bring back Kristy. She had won this fight and I had failed miserably.
“Yes,” she said excitedly, “She’ll probably have your eyes and smile but I’m sure she’ll be as strong and as determined as her mother.”
I turned around and looked at her. Her face was wet and beaming with a wide grin as she thought of the baby. She loved that little creature without even seeing or touching it. She probably has a lot of plans for its future once it’s born, and by the way I see it she was anxious to hold it in her arms.
But I wasn’t like her. I didn’t feel any particular emotion to that baby except inconvenience and imprisonment. That baby was the reason my wife stays away from me, punishing me until I accepted it. It wasn’t the baby’s fault but it was the one who was going to suffer for it. I was willing to pretend to want it just to make Kristy come back, but it was going to be more difficult for both of us once it arrived and I didn’t love it and the only thing I felt for it was contempt.
“Would you like to see her?” Sandra asked hopefully moving closer to me, “I mean through an ultra sound?”
I looked at her for a while as I debated the offer in my head. All I had to do was turn up at the hospital and Kristy would come back, I really needed to see Kristy again. And it wasn’t as if I was taking the baby home with me, I was just going for an ultra sound, “What time do we leave?”
Sandra giggled excitedly bouncing on her toes like a little girl who had gotten what she wanted after hours of begging. “Once I finish up here, and you take a shower, shave and change your clothes we’ll leave,” she looked at her watch, “The appointment is in two hours.”
I nodded then walked to my bedroom but stopped when I realized the main reason she was here, “You didn’t come here to tidy up, you came to take another try in convincing me about the baby, didn’t you?”
“You know me, I’m very persistent.”
“That you are,” I said walking to my room and closing the door behind me.
*
I stood in the tiny room with the surrogate and Sandra impatiently waiting for Kristy to make her appearance. S
he said she was watching over the baby and the surrogate so why wasn’t she here?
“Mr. Stanford.” Amanda, the surrogate who was spread out on the bed with a huge belly called out to me softly. I turned and stared down at her, “I just wanted to say I’m very sorry about your wife.”
“You and me both,” I answered coldly, “but she is getting what she wants so let’s not feel too sorry for her.” Amanda gave me a stunned look and then turned to face the monitor.
“Do you really have to be in a bad mood?” Sandra scolded.
“I’m here so lets be grateful for the little miracles,” I looked at my watch. We’d been waiting for twenty minutes for the doctor and I’d been waiting for Kristy for months and they were both still a no show. “What time is the doctor coming? I don’t have all day just to wait for him to turn up.”
“Why? Is there a ditch you need to drunkenly fall into tonight? Or are you on a killing yourself schedule I don’t know about?” She asked angrily.
“Don’t worry you’ll be the first one to find out if I try again.”
Amanda turned and looked at me like I had completely lost my mind. Maybe I had, I was talking to my dead wife and here I was standing at my baby’s- a baby I don’t want- appointment just to please my dead wife so that I could see her again.
Yes, I had lost my mind.
Well, one more person to add to my list of people who think I am crazy.
A short white haired doctor walked into the small room with a huge smile on his face. I wondered if it was a requirement to look happy and excited during these situations because all it seemed to be doing was giving the man more wrinkles at the edge of his lips.
“Mr. Stanford, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” he said extending his hand to me.
I stared at his hand then back at his face, I wasn’t in any mood to be nice to him especially since he had me waiting for such a long time for him. What I should do is break it for being a part of this conspiracy against me. I could sue him for not consulting me before he decided to change my life so drastically, take the hospital and him for everything they have.
“William, don’t be rude, shake the man’s hand,” Kristy whispered in my ear.
I sucked in a long breath before my hand shot up to take his. My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest at the sound of her voice. I felt like I was finally getting a relief as the knots in my chest quickly unfastened. I turned to see her face, her sweet smile and her beautiful brown eyes, everything I had been starved for the past few months.
“That’s better,” she chuckled, “What’s wrong, you look like you’ve see a ghost!”
The edge of my lips rose as I took in the sweet sound of her laugh, “Funny very funny.”
“What is?” I turned to meet the confused look on the doctor’s face.
“Don’t pay any attention to him. Could we start?” Sandra jumped in moving closer to the bed. She looked over her shoulder at me quizzical then her expression changed to fright then to calm before she turned back around.
“I think she knows I’m here,” Kristy sounded scared. I didn’t understand why considering she was the ghost in the room before it hit me- she’d never been around when Sandra was in the room except that one time in the beginning... but Sandra had her face covered.
I raised my hand to cover my lips. I couldn’t risk the doctor calling a 51-50 psych watch on me, “Say hi to your sister, maybe she’ll stop treating me like I’m crazy,” I whispered.
“Shh,” she said before I felt her move under my arm then she wrapped her arms around my torso. I felt my skin tingle under my clothes. What I loved more than seeing her was feeling her. I wondered if anyone else could see her. If they did they would have been running out of the room.
I placed my hand on her arms and listened to what she was listening to.
The sound of our baby’s heart beat.
It sounded like someone had turned on the washing machine but it was full of jelly. It made a loud wish-wash sound, louder than a broken or a good washing machine.
It felt weird listening to it, stranger than my dead wife hugging me. I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to feel about it but Kristy’s tightening grip told me precisely what she felt.
I heard her sniffle, and then felt her hand caress my cheek before I felt her head on my chest. She loved that baby more than she loved me. I’d come to accept that and right now I didn’t mind sharing my wife’s affection.
“You have a strong little girl Mr. Stanford,” the doctor said before the image came up on the monitor.
I felt my heart tag hard when I saw the black and white image on the monitor. I could make out the shape of a baby- it helped when she moved around. Her hands were everywhere, and her legs were kicking around as if she was swimming.
She was here, and I had no other option but to accept it.
“Isn’t she beautiful,” Kristy cooed.
“The image isn’t clear enough to see,” I said forgetting myself for a moment.
The doctor looked up at me with a wide grin, “We could use another monitor but the image still won’t be very clear. But you’ll be able to see and hold her in March or if she stays the forty weeks, April you just have to be patient for a few more months.”
“April?” I asked, “Its December already?” I hadn’t noticed another year had already rolled in since the accident, “Where have I been?”
“In a dark hole,” Sandra and Kristy said in unison but the rest could only hear Sandra’s condescending voice, I had the luck of hearing both.
“Kristy’s birthday is in two months,” I said looking down at her before I looked back at Sandra. She was looking at me, more like looking at what I had tucked under my arm.
I felt my throat dry out thinking Kristy was visible. Could Sandra see her and if she could would that finally put an end to the patronizing attitude and gentle gloves every one kept handling me with? It wouldn’t be so bad to be treated as a normal human being again, unless every one thinks they’ve lost their mind too.
“You want to celebrate it?” She asked dragging her eyes to look up at me.
“Actually I had another idea.” I may not be in love with my daughter- my daughter, that gave me a chill- but I was in love with the idea of having a tiny Kristy running around. This would be a great birthday gift and I did need some points to be in her good graces again.
I felt Kristy move away from me. I held my breath when she moved closer to Sandra and placed her hand on her shoulder. Sandra gasped placing her hand over Kristy’s. She couldn’t see her but she could feel her- that was even scarier.
I felt my whole body tighten when she moved in to hug her sister. Sandra gasped even louder as she looked at me scared stiff. I moved forward and held her hand hoping that would keep her from screaming or going ballistic. Sandra getting admitted in the psych ward was the last thing I needed.
I heard Kristy whisper into her ear, I couldn’t hear the exact words but whatever they were they made Sandra’s fearful face break into a smile as tears poured out of her eyes. I smiled at her, fathoming exactly how much that must have meant to her.
Kristy moved away from her and moved to Amanda who was distracted tracing out the baby on the monitor. Sandra moved closer to me and tagged at my jacket for me to lean over.
“Please tell me you can see her because I can.” She whispered with a nervous laugh.
I held her to me and nodded glad I was sharing this with her. Having someone else see her didn’t only make me feel sane but I wasn’t lonely any more and that was even better.
Kristy placed her hand on Amanda’s belly then began laughing and crying when the baby kicked against her hand. Amanda shivered then tried to sit upright covering her belly.
“No wait,” Kristy whimpered.
“Please don’t move just lay there for a few more minutes,” I said moving to uncover her belly before I stepped back. Kristy put back her hand on her belly then leaned down to place her cheek on her belly a
s her hand caressed the bump gently.
“It’s just that I feel really cold,” Amanda said shyly, “but its fine.”
“Thanks,” I said pushing Sandra forward. It was better if Sandra stood closer to her or placed her hand on her belly to give her more of an initiative to stay the way she was. Standing and just staring at her belly did seem a little ridiculous to her and the doctor who was quietly watching.
“Doctor I have a favor to ask of you,” I said drawing his attention to me.
He moved to stand closer to me, “What’s that?”
“If the baby is born two months early, will she be okay?”
“She will be a premature baby but yes she might be fine but I can’t say for sure. It’s always better to have a full term baby,” he answered with a confused look on his face, “Why do you want her to be born so soon?”
“Let’s just say I want to make a potential painful day a happy one.” I turned to look at Kristy. She was still hovering over the baby bump. “Actually I’m hoping for a reincarnation,” Sandra looked at me confused. I smiled and turned to see the doctor give me a crazy look.
People are still going to think I’m crazy, even more after this, “Well, something along those lines.”
*
I stood in front of the big house, the place God was said to always be, and wondered if it was clever to challenge Him. I knew He knew I blamed Him for everything; for taking away a wonderful honorable woman in a world where her kind of species was becoming extinct. I blamed Him for letting evil triumph over good. I wanted to call Him a hypocrite for declaring love for His creation and yet He was letting the devil use the world as his playing ground.
I wanted to find out if He was really there, or was everything Kristy and I believed in a fuss.
I rushed up the steps and pushed the huge doors open with all the rage I had inside me. But the second I stepped in, I felt empty. I didn’t have any emotions inside me, they were all swept away with a calm breeze and I had no idea what to do next.
I sat down at the front pew and stared at the crucifix in front of me. I looked around, the church had dozens of candles lit everywhere a soft song like a whisper filled the air. It was quiet, peaceful and as I sat there alone, strangely, I didn’t feel alone.
