by Christina OW
I was going to stay here forever, maybe become a priest because I didn’t want to lose the peace I felt at that moment, to be alone but feel the presence of someone ready to catch me, to comfort me and yet....
“Why did you let her die? She didn’t do anything wrong. In fact she was standing up for you, and yet you still let her die in fear, in pain, in horror..... why?”
I sat there waiting for God to answer me but all I could hear was the soft music.
“Are you ever going to answer me or am I wasting my time waiting for one?”
“Waiting on God is never a waste of time.”
At first I thought the big guy Himself had answered me until a priest sat beside me. “What answer are you waiting for?”
“Why he let my wife die.”
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”
I snorted at the quote, “That’s the answer you are seriously going to give me?”
He smiled, “Everyone on this earth has a purpose, and there is always a reason for everything that happens.”
“Okay, tell me this, if my wife had lived out her purpose why did she have to die in such a horrific way?”
His smile faded. “Tell me more about your wife.”
“She was a humanitarian. She was always there to speak on behalf of the trees, animals, oceans and seas, everything that God created on this earth that didn’t have a voice. Then one day, someone decided that she had spoken enough,” my voice broke, tears dripping out of my eyes, “They silenced her by cutting the brakes of our car. We rolled right into traffic, we didn’t stand a chance.”
“And yet you are here.”
He was beginning to sound like a diplomat trying to find the silver lining. My surviving was no silver lining, it was hell on earth.
“Sheer bad luck.”
“I’m sorry about your wife but you need to understand, God wouldn’t put you in a situation He knows you can’t handle.”
“Well He did with me.”
“He’d never leave you alone.”
“Strike Two!” I stared at him, worried about being open with him. But he was a priest and probably the only one who could explain things to me. “I’ve being seeing her, my wife. She got my sister-in-law to get me a surrogate. We are expecting our first child in April.”
He smiled, “And you still think He left you alone?”
I laughed. The priest was right, I wasn’t alone. “It hurts... losing her hurts so much,” I cried.
He placed his hand on my shoulder soothingly as I sobbed. “Your child will give you the peace you require. God knows what He’s doing. Let Him do His thing.”
At that moment, my phone rang. I didn’t want to pick it up, but once I saw it was Sandra calling I knew I had to, “Hi Sandra.”
“William!” She sounded alarmed, “Something happened to Amanda. She fell down a flight of steps, she’s in the hospital.”
I turned to the priest, the familiar rage boiling inside me. It was happening again and this man almost had me! I hang up the phone and without a word to the priest I rushed out.
“William,” he called after me, “He hasn’t forsaken you.”
*
I rushed to the hospital, my heart in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. It had barely been nine weeks since the last ultra sound when my wonderful suggestion was shot down by the doctor and now, she was coming too soon. All the risks we’d been afraid of were now staring us in the face.
“God, if you really are there, please don’t take her away from me. Don’t do this to me again!” I begged waiting for the cab to pull up in front of the emergency room entrance.
The sun set behind me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was some kind of sign. Was the sun in my life finally setting? Was I destined to live in this darkness forever? Was suffering loss my purpose?
I jumped out of the cab and ran into the hospital, and then rode the elevator two floors up to the maternity ward. When the doors opened, Sandra was standing there, her face full of fear and anxiety in her teary eyes.
“Is she okay?” I could hear my own anxiety at the edge of my voice.
“I don’t know yet. She’s in labor right now. I’m sorry I pushed you into this, I shouldn’t have and now...”
I grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at me, “Sandra, my baby isn’t dead.” Not yet anyway.
We half ran to the surrogate’s room, both of us praying for the best. I stopped at the door, too scared to go in.
Sandra held the door ajar, “Will, what’s wrong?”
I swallowed the bile in my throat. All the courage drained out of me the instant I was faced with the possibility.... I just couldn’t. “I can’t... I can’t go in there.”
I took several steps back unable to say another word. If something went wrong, I’d prefer not to be in there for it.
Sandra nodded in understanding and then she stepped into my fate, my future.
It felt like everything around me didn’t exist anymore. The halls became empty and I was the only one standing in the once busy ward. The air became still and silent, all the sounds faded away and all I could here was the soft peaceful music I heard in the church as it played in my head.
Then suddenly, I felt something warm clasp my hand. I looked down, it was a smaller hand. A touch I’d missed and longed for. I looked up to meet the beautiful face of the love of my life, her happy wet eyes, and her bright reassuring smile. The sight of her and the flash of happiness that seemed to ooze from her like rainbows soothed me. Suddenly, I wasn’t scared anymore.
We stood in that same spot holding each other for hours before the beautiful sound of a baby’s cry pulled Kristy away from me. She went into the room and I followed her trusting she was going to make sure everything turned out okay.
Kristy stopped beside Sandra laughing and crying at the same time. She held onto the baby’s tiny leg, wetting it with her tears. “Will, come closer.”
I stared at my wife, and then at the little angel Sandra had in her arms, unable to fathom the whirlwind of emotions inside me.
“Will, she’s so beautiful,” Sandra said rocking the new quiet baby. She looked down at her, probably wondering why the baby’s gaze was set steady. She turned and saw the baby’s wet feet. She didn’t know what to make of it until Kristy brushed her cheek softly with the back of her hand.
Sandra went stiff for a second before she laughed, tears of joy spilling over and onto the baby. She looked at me, like she was waiting for an answer and all I could do was nod.
I moved towards my baby, my eyes glued on her tiny face. With each step I took, I felt like I was shedding off ten tons of weight. I looked down at her- her fists were balled up and her eyes still stuck on her mother.
“Can she see you?” I whispered, placing my finger in her tiny fist.
“Yes,” Kristy exclaimed happily.
“She can’t see anything except shadows right now.” The doctor responded to a question not intended for him.
“Hold her so I can hold her,” Kristy said excitedly.
“Do you want her?” Sandra asked holding her out to me. I nodded, too emotional to speak.
I took her, and then walked to the chair and sat down, holding my daughter close to me, afraid I’d drop her. Then Kristy sat between my legs, placing her arms under mine. “I got you,” she nuzzled her nose against the baby’s. “She’s so beautiful.” She cooed wetting the baby more with her tears.
“She’s ours,” I whispered into her ear. Holding them both like this, I felt like pieces of my heart were being put back together. All the love I have for Kristy and more, I was going to give to my beautiful little angel. I was going to love her forever.
“Make sure you tell her about me. Tell her that I loved her before she was conceived, before she was born and I will keep loving her forever after. Don’t forget to tell her.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
Sandra crouched in front of me, “William, do you know wh
at date it is today?”
I just stared at her, not at all paying attention to her rumbling until Kristy laughed.
I smiled as it dawn on me, “What time is it?”
“Fifteen minutes past midnight. You got what you wanted, a reincarnation... sort of.” Sandra answered laughing.
“Happy Valentine’s Day sweethearts,” I said addressing both my girls.
Chapter Ten
The new house was bigger and much closer to Sandra’s home. We both moved to a suburb in Millville New Jersey, and onto the same street after Sandra got married two years ago. Her husband was kind enough to agree to give up his New York apartment and move into the suburb. Sandra wanted to raise their son in a quiet community next to my daughter. My baby girl was one of her reasons for wanting us to live close together.
After Kristy’s surprise, she had Sandra promise to take care of both of us. She never trusted me enough to take care of a puppy so she was really skeptical about my ability to take care of a child alone. That’s why we always postponed having children. I had work and she had protests all over the world that needed her. But one thing I knew for sure, she loved me more than enough to have left me a piece of her.
I named our daughter after her mother. She looked so much like her. She had her mother’s big brown eyes and the dimple on her left cheek when she smiled. When she was mad, her face would scrunch up just the way her mother’s used to. Her black hair was long and curly. She usually held back with a hair band because she liked how the curls bounced around her head when she ran.
She was a constant reminder of the love I lost. But that reminder wasn’t filled with hate and resentment anymore. It was filled with love and wonderful memories that I enjoyed sharing with her. Kristy knew about her mother- her life with me and her siblings and her life as the ambassador of earth. She was never going to meet her mother but I made sure she knew how wonderful and loving she was. All the love I had for her mother was now hers; she was the centre piece in my heart, my joy, my new source of happiness and my only reason for living.
I looked around the busy house. There were balloons, snacks, candy and toys everywhere. Children were running around in the yard screaming and shouting happily. It was Kristy’s fifth birthday and I was making an event of it. She wasn’t going to turn five again. I invited all the kids in the neighborhood, her entire class and some of her teachers- the teachers were more for help than anything else. Some parents saw the party as a way to get their children out of the house for a private Valentine’s party.
“Will, where’s Kristy?” Sandra had my two year old nephew on her hip. Eric was busy tagging on the lollipop stuck on his shirt. I laughed as I watched him struggle with it; his little face creased showing how much effort he was putting into it.
“Isn’t she outside playing?”
I took pity on him and pulled it off for him. His face lit up as he smiled. He reached out and grabbed the lollipop from me and stuck it back into his mouth. Sandra watched him, not at all surprised.
“He got that from his father. No she’s not outside. I’ll go look for her and change Mr. Charming too.”
“No, I’ll go find her she must be in her room.”
I rushed up the stairs and walked down the short hall way to her room. She had drawings and pictures of animals and trees on her door. I smiled, she was becoming more and more like her mother. Kristy was a big follower of recycling and she didn’t litter and she didn’t see why someone else should. On the weekends we would go around picking up litter around the neighborhood- it was her favorite time of the week. I just feared for the day she’ll realize that we eat animals, which would tear her little heart up.
It frightened me sometimes thinking that she would be an activist too when she grew up. With all the things changing and going wrong in the world, there will be more reasons to protest, more things to fight against, and more desperate people willing to do anything to draw that kind of attention from them. I didn’t want her to end up like her mother; it would kill me if anything happened to her.
I was about to knock when I heard her little voice from the other side of the door. She was talking to someone. I couldn’t hear what they were discussing but I heard her loud sweet soft giggles.
“Did daddy really do that?”
They were talking about me. I took that as my cue to go in, “What did daddy do?”
Kristy was sited on the floor with two of her dolls. She looked at me, her face was pulled down and her eye brows were raise. Her eyes looked big and sad and she had pulled her lower lip into her mouth. It’s the guilty look she usually gave me when she knew she was in trouble.
What did she do wrong now?
I looked around her room. There was no one else in it. Who was she talking to then?
“Kristy, what did you do and where is your friend?” I walked to the closet and opened it, there was no one there. I walked to her and knelt down and looked under the bed. Empty. Unless he or she went out the window there was no other way out, nor no where else to hide.
I sat next to her. She still had that guilty look on her face. “Kristy you haven’t answered me.”
Her face lit up, her lips curved upwards in one of her adorable smiles. She raised the doll close to my face, “Doesn’t Cinderella look pretty?”
She was trying to change the subject. Then whatever she did was bad. Who did she do it to?
She had developed a confidence no child at her age should have and most adults took years to learn. She spoke her mind and called you out when you did something she considered wrong. Once she accused the neighbor for killing a tree-he was chopping it down because its roots were breaking the house’s foundation. Another time she stopped a woman on the streets and asked her if her handbag was made out of real crocodile skin, when she said yes Kristy asked her how she would feel if someone made a purse with her skin. Her confidence had gotten her in trouble a couple of times but I was still proud of her. I didn’t want to stop her from being herself, but I had to teach her how to approach people and appropriately discuss her opinions on what they are doing wrong.
I took the doll and put it down, “Stop trying to change the subject. Let’s start with what you did wrong?”
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” her voice was firm and leveled. She was telling the truth. She shifted and sat on her legs facing me.
“I believe you. That brings us to my next question, who were you talking to?”
“Is the clown here already? I promised Aunt Sandra I’d help with Eric, I should go.” She stood up and tried to run for the door. I stretched out and caught her before she got too far. I lifted her and placed her on my lap to face me.
“You are not going anywhere until you tell me who you were talking to?”
“But daddy my birthday party has already started!” She whined.
“Quit stalling and spill.”
She looked down at her intertwined fingers. What ever it was she wasn’t comfortable sharing it with me. That scared me; she never hid anything from me, “Sweetheart you know you can tell me anything right?” I kept my voice light and at ease. She nodded, keeping her gaze fixed on her hands. “Then tell me what’s going on?”
“She told me not to tell,” her little voice came out as a whisper.
I could feel the anxiety rise inside me, but I kept my voice light. “Who did?”
“That’s one of the things she told me not to tell!”
“Do I know her?” Kristy nodded, “Is she at the party?” She nodded again, “could you point her out for me?”
Kristy’s head shot up and she scowled at me, “That would be telling!”
“Technically you won’t be saying anything.”
“Really daddy? You do know I’m five and not stupid?”
I laughed. I should have known she was too intelligent for that, “We’ve never kept secrets from each other, so how about you tell me. I promise you won’t get into trouble.”
She looked at me, and then she looked above me
watching something for a few seconds. She smiled. I turned to see what had her so amused but there was nothing behind me. I turned and looked at her confused. She laughed and then hugged me.
“Mommy says to tell you not to worry and to give you a kiss.” She whispered softly in my ear then she kissed my cheek. She looked at me for a moment before she jumped off my laps and ran out the room.
I sat there shocked unable to move. I could feel my heart beat hard in my chest and my breathing was getting labored. I stood up and looked around the room frantically. Kristy was back and our daughter had seen and talked to her. It had been five years since she stopped coming to me. The day our daughter was born was the day I said goodbye to her, forever and now she was back.
“Daddy lets go.” Kristy was at the door, staring at me with one of her adorable smiles.
“Is your mom here, right now?” I whispered to her as I went back to searching the room.
Kristy walked to me and held three of my fingers, “No, she left when I did.”
I looked down at her, “How long have you been talking to your mother?”
She lifted her tiny shoulder in a shrug, “She has always been around me ever since I was a baby. I saw her everyday. I started talking to her when I was grown up enough to talk.”
She was right. Her first word was mama. I thought every baby’s first word was mama and I didn’t think much of it. But she had been seeing her mother since she was a baby! I wasn’t going to chock it up to an imaginary friend because I’d seen her too. I was worried she might think that her mother was real, just like I did. When the delusion was over it broke me and I didn’t want her to go through that pain.
I crouched down to her level, “honey, you do know your mother is in heaven, that she doesn’t live on earth anymore?”
“I know mommy is dead, but she still visits me everyday. She told me she was my guardian angel and one day I won’t be able to see her anymore,” she was still cheerful, that didn’t make me worry any less.
