THE TROUBLE WITH KISSING YOU

by Gen Phan

  "Oh my god, we should both start dating chicks. Can you imagine the tail spin she'd go into?! It would be hysterical, she'd probably sneak into our rooms at night and throw holy water on us. Organic holy water!"

  We both burst out laughing at the same time. "This is fun!"

  "Totally."

  I looked at Mackenzie's face in the orange light. She was a stunner. A knock-a-man-off-his-feet stunner. She was my twin, and I loved her. I'd missed her....

  And right there, I knew what I had to do.

  Mike

  I climbed back down the trellis with a sense of finality. How many more times would I climb up and down this piece of slatted wood to see Maria?

  I walked across the short lawn that divided our houses, paused and stopped at the tree - that over the years- had grown so big. It was almost obscuring our view of each other now... metaphor here? Possibly.

  I didn't feel like going home, but also didn't know where else to go. As I approached my house though, my fathers car was in the driveway. Now I really didn't feel like going home. What did this man masquerading as my 'father' want?

  I thought about climbing into my window and hiding in my bedroom until he went home, but the bubbling anger that I was starting to feel as I looked at his car and imagined him in our house, made me want to confront the man. In fact, I felt like a good fight right about now!

  I marched into the front door and my parents were sitting around the kitchen table drinking coffee. As if nothing had happened. My mother was clearly a good pretender. If I were her, I would not be able to have him anywhere near me.

  My dad shot out of his seat and walked over to me. "i still haven't had a chance to congratulate you. You played a great game today, son." He never called me son. It was as if he thought placing the word 'son' in his sentences would make up for what he had done.

  "Mmmm. What are you doing here?" I asked flatly, grabbing a cup of coffee and slurping it down.

  "Well, I wanted to know what the scout said, we both did." He looked to mom and she nodded with a smile. Remind me, was this the same woman that had been falling apart just a few days ago.

  I shrugged. "He offered me a scholarship and offered me a place at St. Martin's."

  "What?" They were both out of their seats now.

  "That's wonderful!" My dad said reaching out for a hug. Not giving it to him!

  My mom jumped in, "It's everything you've worked towards."

  "Yup!"

  My parents both looked at me curiously. Psychologist looks where being tossed around the room. God, predictable. Now I was in for a good psychoanalysis. I sat down, folded my arms defiantly and waited for it.

  "Why aren't you more excited?" My mom sat again and reached over for my hand. They had both become so touchy-feely since the separation. Compensation?

  "You are going to take it, right?"

  "St. Martins has the best Tennis couch in the country basically and you've always wanted to go there. And as for college...well, so many professionals have graduated there."

  I shrugged. This was actually the last thing on my mind right now. I had more important things to think about that hotting a yellow ball about on a court. I'd worked so hard for this, but right now, it felt trivial in the grand scheme of things, i.e Maria.

  There was an expectant pause as both my parents stared at me. "Mike?" My mother pressed. "You are going to take this..."

  I shrugged. "Don't know."

  "But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

  "But it means changing schools half way into the year." Something I was not prepared to do.

  "But they are better equipped to prepare you for college tennis, and every one who is anyone in tennis dreams of going there." My mother looked confounded. I didn't blame her, this was what I had always wanted. I think....

  "Mike?" My dad now sat at the table. I hated it. It reminded me of how things used to be. Us, sitting around the table, clearly pretending to play 'happy family'. Since it was all a big fat lie.

  "I don't know if it's what I want anymore!"

  An echo of shocked 'whats' slammed into me from all directions now. It was hard to distinguish who the hell was even speaking. More words and phrases being thrown my way....

  "Opportunity on a silver platter..."

  "Throwing a gift away..."

  "Giving up on dream...."

  "Waste...."

  "Bad idea..."

  God, I wanted the vomit of words to stop. They were not helpful at this stage and only making me feel worse.

  "No doubt this has something to do with Maria!" My dad sounded distinctly sarcastic, and the sound of Maria's name coming out of his mouth pissed me off more than I can explain. I jumped out of my seat, almost knocking the coffee as I went.

  "Don't you dare say her name!" I yelled.

  "Mike... I know you think you're in love..."

  "THINK!?" I screamed. "Think?"

  "But you're young, you have you're whole life ahead of you and - " My dad continued, and my rage grew.

  "What would you know about love. You cheated on mom, I would say that qualifies you as the last person on earth to give relationship advice! Just leave me alone."

  I marched upstairs and into my bedroom. I needed to get away from him before I did something that I might regret... like hit him. Yeah, yeah he's my dad. But that title needs to be earned. Not just given.

  I thought about Maria. I thought about calling her. I thought about talking to her. I thought about kissing her. But I couldn't. And I didn't even know where she was.

  The fight between us all seemed so insignificant now. My dad was wrong. I did love her. It was real.

  I tried to imagine what Maria would say when she found out about the scholarships. But I didn't have to think about it very hard, I knew exactly what she'd say. She'd want me to go. She always wanted the best for me, her love had never been selfish.

  Should I go-

  I cut that thought off immediately. There was no way I was going. None! Maria was my priority now, everything had changed.

  Maria

  *Again, writing quickly, will come back and edit mistakes and typos!

  It was : am in the morning. I'd been staring at my computer screen for hours. A million tabs were open.

  Booking flights.

  Booking Accomodation.

  Booking train trips.

  Booking, booking booking.

  I was at the final stage with all of them. Card and payment details entered, all I had to do was press 'pay'. Then the email would come through to me, confirming that I had booked my entire trip around the world, starting next year. By myself. No Mike.

  I sighed loudly. I needed to as if felt like something was pressing down on my ribs. This was so painful. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. Pressing those buttons wasn't just 'paying for stuff' it was making the decision to change my entire life, what had been my life for a decade.

  I turned when I heard my bedroom door squeak open. A tired looking McKenzie stood in my doorway.

  "I saw your light was still on, you okay?" She yawned and it was one of those contagious ones, I felt myself yawn just seconds later.

  "Not really."

  McKenzie pulled up a chair and slid in next to me. "Okay... what do we have here." She pulled the laptop towards her and started clicking through the tabs.

  "Inca trail... climbing Machu Pee... shoe... mashooo... Much... " She stumbled. "Ok, climbing some cool mountain and looking at some awesome ancient ruins that you've always wanted to see! NEXT!"

  She clicked to the next one and read, "Discover Greece; from spectacular Santorini sunsets to the whitewashed houses & windmills of Mykonos. Tour ancient Athens, Acropolis museum & more..." She clocked me. "They forgot to add, lie on the amazing beaches, swim in crystal blue waters and meet hot Greek men!"

  I smiled at her and she continued. "Visit the mysterious castle of Count Dracula and enjoy a trip through an authentic Romanian village frozen in time... Ooooh, not sure ab
out that one, but it's right up your alley! You'll love it."

  She kept clicking and reading. Clicking and reading, and the more she did, the more my anxiety levels rose. When she was done she looked at me solemnly.

  "So I know I've been a bit skint with the sisterly advice..."

  "So have I." I added quickly.

  "True!" We smiled at each other. "And I'm probably not the best person in the word to give anyone advice. But..." She paused and looked at me. It was filled with such compassion and love that it almost made me want to cry again.

  "I think you know what you need to do."

  I nodded at her. I did. It was just so, so hard.

  "Hey, if it's meant to be, it will be. It's just a year." She was trying to sound upbeat now, obviously for my benefit. Again, I was so touched by this.

  "A lot can happen in a year." I whispered.

  "A lot of good can happen in a year!" She corrected me. "Absence make the heart grow fonder."

  "Or wander." I quickly added.

  She smiled at me, "I don't think that will happen."

  "Really?" I asked perking up with that crumb of hope.

  "One year apart is not going to destroy ten years together.... Maybe you guys are meant to be?"

  "Do you think we are?"

  She looked like she was thinking and choosing her words very carefully now. "I think you guys could very well 'be', but I think you both need some time and space!"

  I nodded. The pain of my heart breaking ripping through my entire body. I knew she was right. I knew in my gut, beneath all the twisting, knotting agony that it was the right thing to do.

  "Close your eyes Maria." Mackenzie said softly.

  I closed my ears and squeezed my hands together in my lap. The sound of her fingers clicking the buttons of my computer felt like it went on forever and as soon as I heard the sound stop, I cried. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them.

  McKenzie hugged me and then practically dragged me to bed. She propped up my pillows and thew a blanket over me.

  "Wait!" She jumped up and sped out the room coming back seconds later with a hand full of chocolate bars. "From my secret stash." She said throwing them on the bed and climbing on too.

  "You have a secret stash."

  She nodded, her mouth full of chocolate. "Fuck yeah! How else are you meant to survive moms cooking."

  "Me too!" I said, tearing the paper off a Mars bar as the tears started to dissipate.

  "I know. I've stolen from it before."

  We laughed and I felt a bit better. I felt like I was losing, and gaining at the same time. And what I was gaining was so precious, that I never wanted to lose it again.

  Mike

  I was counting the days like a criminal in jail. The only thing I wasn't doing was carving lines on my bedroom wall and crossing them out. Perhaps I should have, at least it would give me something to look at, because I was going mad staring at the celing and the walls of my room all night long.

  The scout had phoned twice already this week. I had avoided both calls. My father had phoned once and my mother was acting weird. It was as if she was trying to lure me into a false sense of security and get me to open up to her by being overly nice to me. The other day she brought me breakfast in bed! Actual food to eat, in my bed.

  Life felt boring and bland without Maria. And school felt even worse. Everyone was still talking about the fight video. No one would shut up about it. The principle had called a huge school assembly and threatened anyone else with suspension should they continue to share the video of Maria and McKenzie fighting on their Facebook pages and other social media. The video had been circulating for a week now and everyone had seen it. Everyone.

  What is wrong with men that a video of two woman cat fighting can whip them up into a horny frenzy? Is it some primitive cave man shit? Because all of a sudden, I kept hearing people describing Maria as hot. Not that she wasn't, she was. But why had it taken a video of her fighting to get guys to notice that. She was now that hot chick that whipped her twin sisters ass. Maria and Mckenzie were basically the talk of the school, and with every passing minute that I spent there, the desire to kill someone got greater and greater. I came so close to fucking Chase up when he made a comment about how much better the video would have been if they were in bikinis, and there had been mud. I was going out of my mind not knowing where Maria was, but hearing her name every five minutes around every corner I walked.

  "Hey!" I walked up to Jarrod as he slammed his locker loudly. He'd been giving me the evil eye for the last few days, I didn't blame him to be honest.

  "What's up?" He asked curtly, pushing past me.

  I followed him, undeterred. I knew he hated me. "Have you heard from Maria?"

  He swung around, a self satisfied smile plastered across his face. "The great Mike is asking me where Maria is?"

  His words were so biting and again the rage, that seemed to have taken up residence in me these last few days, started bubbling again. But I bit it down. "Yes! I am."

  He smiled a cruel, twisty smile at me. "Must be crap not knowing where she is, huh?"

  "Look, have you heard from her to not?" I stepped forward clenching my fists just in case they found themselves somewhere else.

  "Dude, you're a fucking dick, you know that!"

  "What!" I half-screamed at Jarrod. I was shocked, not just because he'd said that to me, but rather that someone like him could actually say that. It didn't seem part of his vocab.

  "Just let her go."

  "Sorry, what?"

  "She's fucking in love with you. Everyone knows it. Everyone can see it. But you don't even know that she-"

  I cut him off. I knew what he was going to say, "I do! Okay, I fucking do!"

  Jarred looked at me oddly. I don't think we'd ever said more than two sentences to each other before, this was a first. His face softened a bit and he looked around. The corridor was empty though and I think that everyone must have been in class by now.

  "I like her, okay." He said, the words almost knocking me off my feet. "But she'll never like me, or anyone else for that matter as long as you're there."

  I blinked a few times. Startled by this conversation that we were having. Startled that I wasn't hating Jarrod either right now, I actually felt sorry for the guy. He liked Maria, well, at least we had something in common.

  "If you're not going to..." He paused and looked reluctant to continue.

  "What?" I prompted, fascinated with what he was about to say.

  "If you can't give her what she wants, you should let her go. Seriously. She's fucking trapped, she has been since I've known her."

  "Jesus!" I took a step back. I had not expected him to say that to me and a part of me wanted to jump in and defend myself and tell him I was ready to give her everything she wanted and deserved. But something stopped me.

  "It sucks liking someone that doesn't like you back." He added. I knew he was talking about Maria and in that moment, I felt so sorry for him. Not in a pitius way, not like that. I tried to imagine how that would feel, and then I realised, that was how Maria had felt for so many years. It must have been so shit for her.

  "So no, I don't know where she is and No, I haven't heard from her." He said and walked off. I watched Jarod disappear and knew that he was right- even if I didn't like it one little bit. Unless I was prepared to give her everything she wanted,and I mean everything, because she deserved everything.... I needed to let her go.

  But I wasn't prepared to do that! Not now. Not when we had just found each other. But I needed a plan. A good one, and I needed help with it.

  I took out my phone and messaged Brett.

  Mike: I'm coming to you after school, I need to chat.

  Brett: Cool. Bring food. Good shit!

  Mike: Only if you come jogging with me tomorrow.

  Brett: Go fuck yourself ;)

  Mike

  I sat in Brett's room while be chowed down on a bag of crisps and looked deep in thought.
He was staring out the window as if he was waiting for something to run past and give him the answer. I started out too in case something would.

  "So you need to apologies for what you said to her obviously."

  I nodded.

  "You need to assure her that you are committed and ready for a relationship with her."

  I nodded again.

  "You need to reiterate how you feel about her and all that jazz."

  Again, I nodded. "So how do I do that?"

  He shrugged. "I have no idea."

  "That's no help, I came to you for a plan of action."

  "I've never been in a relationship Mike, what do I really know about all this stuff?"

  "Of course you have!"

  "Who?" He asked seriously and flatly.

  I thought about it for a while. He was right... he'd never been in a relationship before. Ever! God, I'd never really thought about that. Had he even kissed a girl? Properly? I think most girls don't really see past his physical appearance, they don't see that he's actually a dude worth dating. Anyone would be lucky to have him...

  "The right girl is out there." I offered in a lame way. As I didn't really know what to say.

  "I'm not looking for your sympathy or Cents worth psychology tips! I know what they think of me... whatever, this is about you. And your pathetic attempt at a love life."

  "Thanks."

  "You do need a plan though!"

  "I know. But what?"

  He munched down on another chip and put his legs up on his desk. His pants slipped down a bit to reveal colored mismatching socks. I smiled, only Brett would do that. he probably hadn't even noticed either.

  "I know what to do!"

  He suddenly said swinging his legs off the bed and leaving the room. I stared after him, what was he up to. Two minutes later he was back, dragging a reluctant looking Brenna inside and closing the door behind them. I explained the whole situation to Brenna at Brett's insistence. She paused thoughtfully for a moment, before launching into it.

  "So you need some kind of a grand gesture." She said.

  "Gesture?"