by Sue MacKay
*
‘Are you sure you’re not a secret needleworker?’ Zac asked from the other side of the operating table on Saturday. ‘You’re so patient, creating delicate stitches even where the outcome won’t be visible to anyone.’
Olivia glanced up at him, her heart stuttering when his dark eyes locked on hers. ‘I could’ve taken up knitting.’
‘That’d be messy.’ He grinned. She mightn’t be able to see his mouth behind that mask but his eyes were light and sparkling.
Olivia concentrated on her patient. She’d reopened the wound that ran down the side of Josaia’s face and removed tissue causing lumps where the previous stitches had been pulled too tight. Now she was painstakingly suturing layer after layer, careful with each and every stitch. While it was what everyone saw on the outside that upset Josaia, she could make it so much better by preparing the underneath muscle properly.
‘You want to close the shoulder wound once I’ve worked on Josaia’s shoulder?’ Zac asked. ‘We might as well go for broke and have everything looking as close to new as possible.’
‘Make those kids want their friend back.’
Kay looked up from her monitors. ‘I hope Josaia tells them where to go.’
‘I suspect he might after this,’ Zac told the anaesthetist. ‘He’s been different ever since we said we could operate. Hopeful, expectant. Which puts the pressure on us.’
Olivia clipped the end of her last suture and straightened her back. ‘There you go, young man. As good as new.’
Zac swapped places with Olivia. It was his turn to set things right for Josaia. ‘Let’s hope I can do the same. At least no one gets to see what I do.’ He picked up a scalpel.
‘They will on the outside. It will be great to see Josaia with his confidence back, swimming and diving with the best of them.’
‘I hope he finds some new friends. He doesn’t need the old ones.’ Olivia swabbed as Zac made incisions. ‘But I guess Josaia doesn’t have a lot of choice on the island.’
‘It must be hell for his family, seeing how he’s treated. No parent would want their child to suffer like that.’ Zac exposed the collarbone, where it had been broken. ‘Re-breaking this is kind of awful. The kid’s going to be in pain for a while.’
‘Think about how those pins you’re going to put in will help him. One day he’ll appreciate it.’ The sooner the better if the boy was to make a full recovery with friends and school.
‘Right, let’s get this done.’ He reached for the first pin.
As soon as the surgeries were completed and Josaia was wheeled away to Recovery, Olivia and Zac went to put the family at ease.
Then they headed for the car park and Zac suggested lunch downtown. ‘We could go to the Viaduct.’
‘Sorry, Zac, but I’m not hungry.’ She’d eaten very little over the last couple of days, food making her feel nauseous.
‘What’s going on, Olivia? Don’t give me the “nothing” reply. I won’t believe you.’
The steel in his tone overwhelmed her. She could feel her body being pulled towards him. It would be so easy to lean in and let go of her problem for a while. The thing with that was that her mother wasn’t going to go away; would be there causing havoc when she finally took up the reins again. Tightening her spine, she told him, ‘I have an appointment in an hour, and before that I need to hit the supermarket.’ Though why when she wasn’t eating she had no idea. That had just dropped into her head when she was trying to sound convincing to Zac.
‘An appointment with who?’ Of course he went for the important part of her statement.
‘A lawyer, a psychologist, and a cop,’ she blurted, close to unravelling. Had to be why she’d answered with the truth. She needed to get away from Zac fast, before she became a blithering idiot and spilled her guts all over his classy leather jacket.
Where was her car key? Scrabbling around in the bottom of her bag didn’t produce it. Tipping the contents onto the bonnet of her car, she couldn’t believe it wasn’t there. Great. Just great.
‘This what you’re looking for?’ Zac swung a key from his finger.
Snatching it from him, she began throwing everything back in her bag. ‘Where did you find it?’
‘Where are you meeting these people?’
‘At home.’ She bent to pick up her wallet from where it had slipped onto the tarmac.
‘I’ll drive you. Come on.’ He took her elbow.
She tugged free. ‘I can drive myself. Anyway, I can’t leave my car here.’
Zac’s hand was back on her arm. ‘You can and you will. I’m taking you home, Olivia.’
That got her. Slap bang in her heart. She didn’t pull away. She couldn’t. She needed Zac, and, as frightening as that was, she went with the desperate longing to have someone at her side. ‘Next you’ll be telling me you’re coming to the meeting.’ Geez, had she just said that with hope in her voice?
‘I’ll make the coffee.’
He did more than that. Even when she nodded at the door for him to leave he stayed and listened as the horrible facts about her mother were aired and discussion began on what to do about Cindy. The truth was that there wasn’t a lot that could be done unless her mother committed to a programme and went into care. Her latest hideous deed, arrested for driving while drunk on Thursday, made Olivia’s stomach churn, and when she lifted her eyes to Zac’s she fully expected to see total disgust all over his face. But no. His hand engulfed her shaking ones, his thumb rubbed back and forth over her fingers, and his eyes were full of understanding.
Olivia needed to leap up and drag Zac to her front door, push him out, and lock it behind him. She wanted him here with her, holding her hand as he was. Split right down the middle, her emotions were raw and out of control. She aimed to do what she always did when this happened and focus on her mother’s current situation. But it wasn’t working. The words were going in but they weren’t registering as clearly as they should.
By the time the meeting was over she was as aware as ever that her mother was a ticking time bomb and unwilling to take charge of herself. It had been suggested Olivia walk away, make her mother face up to her situation, but she didn’t think she could do that. It would go against everything she believed in. Even now, when she was fighting Zac’s pull, fighting this deep, paralysing need to let him into her life, she had to hold on to the only way she knew how to cope with her mother—by standing strong, alone.
Shutting the front door behind the lawyer, she leaned back against it, closing her eyes. Did she even have the energy to make it to the kitchen where Zac was waiting? She had to tell him to leave. It was getting to be a habit.
‘Hey,’ Zac said from somewhere in front of her. ‘You need to go to bed and get some shut-eye.’
‘I have to check Josaia’s doing okay.’
‘I’m going to head in there shortly so I can let you know if there’s anything you need to deal with. I spoke to the ward sister while you were showing that lot out and she says he’s doing fine. The family are with him.’ Zac draped an arm over her shoulders and led her down the hallway in the direction of her bedroom. ‘When did you last sleep properly?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘Get into bed and I’ll make you a hot chocolate.’
Olivia sank onto the edge of her bed. ‘Hot chocolate? I haven’t had one of those in years.’ Since I had measles and Dad looked after me. Huh? Dad had done that? Yeah, he had, just as he’d once spent lots of time with her. Before he’d got jaded and bitter about Mum, and had made another life.
Zac pulled her to her feet again. ‘No, you don’t. Let’s get you into your PJs first.’ He began unbuttoning her shirt and it was nothing like last time when he’d made her body hot with need. This loving gesture filled her heart with gladness and relief.
‘I’ll manage.’ Her fingers worked the zip on her trousers. When Zac reached her door she called, ‘Hey, you. Thank you for…everything.’
He came back and kissed her on each
cheek. ‘Told you I was here for you.’
Scary. ‘Zac, I don’t do being looked after.’ Deep, deep breath. ‘You have to go. You have to stay gone this time. Please.’ Her voice cracked over the lump of tears clogging her throat.
Zac shrugged. ‘Here’s the thing. I don’t do walking away from someone I care about either.’
Had Zac just said he cared about her? No, he couldn’t have. She must be asleep already, having a dream. At least it wasn’t a nightmare.
*
Zac let himself out of Olivia’s house and made sure the door locked behind him. With a bit of luck Olivia would sleep right through until tomorrow. One thing for certain was that she needed to.
It was about the only thing he was sure of, he thought as he climbed into his vehicle and slammed the door against the light rain. That, and the fact she wouldn’t be letting him back into her house tomorrow morning.
Looking up the path to her house, he recalled some of the comments made by the lawyer, and wondered just what sort of childhood Olivia must’ve had with a mother so far off the rails. What woman wanted to dress up as her daughter’s lookalike? Wanted to hang out with a bunch of giggly teens? One eyebrow rose. Olivia a giggly teen? Hard to imagine.
Slowly pulling away, he kept going over everything he’d heard about Cindy Coates-Clark. How cruel of Olivia’s father to leave her to deal with her alcoholic mother, especially when she’d been so young.
Toot, toot. A quick glance in the rear-view mirror showed a truck up his boot. He waved. ‘Sorry, mate.’ And planted his foot, roaring away from the corner.
He’d go see Josaia, then head home for the night. Tomorrow morning he’d take breakfast to Olivia’s house.
Think that’s going to win you entrance to her lair, do you?
No, not a sod’s chance, but he had to try, if only to show her he wasn’t repelled by anything he’d heard today. If anything, he was more determined to be a part of her life. At the moment he’d take the crumbs, but he fully intended to win her over completely so they’d have a future together.
His hand clenched, banged the steering wheel. Damn—families could be such screw-ups. He and Olivia had got the pick of them. What was Mark like as a father? Did he show his boys he loved them? Would he blame them for everything or walk out of their lives when the going got tough? And if he did, who would be there for them?
I would. But he didn’t know the boys. Not really. Only one way to rectify that. But he and Mark didn’t get along. So go fix that. Start at the beginning and get to know your brother again, learn to put the angst behind you and love him as you always did, always have.
*
Olivia rolled over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. The sunlit ceiling.
‘What time is it?’
Eight thirty-five, according to the screen on her phone.
She’d missed a load of texts while in the land of nod, starting last night.
Josaia says hi to Dr Olivia. He’s doing fine and can’t wait to be up and running around, despite the pain. Hope you’re sleeping and don’t get this till the morning. Hugs, Zac.
Thinking of you, and wishing we were back on Tokoriki enjoying dinner under the palm trees. More hugs, Zac.
Hitting the sack now. See you in the morning.
No, you won’t. I’ve got a mother to sort out, and wounds to lick.
Outside your door with breakfast.
Had Zac knocking on the door been what had woken her? Olivia leapt out of bed and headed down the hall.
Wait up. You’re going to let Zac in? Think about this. Is it wise when you’re going to walk away from him again? It’s not fair on him to be running hot and cold all the time. Either let him into your life or cut all ties—now.
Her feet dragged as she turned for the kitchen and the kettle. Strong coffee was needed. Her heart was so slow it was in danger of stopping. She didn’t want Zac gone but what else could she do? She had nothing to offer him.
She loved Zac. She knew it bone deep. He was the one for her. Sniff. But she wasn’t right for him. Never would be.
With two coffees on board and a hot shower having washed away the sleep sludge on her skin, Olivia headed out her front door to see Josaia, and tripped over a paper bag with a takeout logo on it. Breakfast. Gluggy cold pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup filled the container she opened. ‘Oh, Zac, you’re making this so hard for me.’
She dropped the bag into her rubbish bin and headed for her garage, only remembering when the door rolled open that her car was still in the hospital’s car park. Back inside the house she changed her shoes. Walking to the hospital would help clear her head.
Maybe.
*
Josaia was arguing with Donny about getting out of bed when Olivia arrived at his room. ‘I don’t like staying in bed.’
‘You have to wait until Dr Olivia’s checked you over,’ his grandfather growled.
‘If Josaia’s that keen to get up then there’s no reason why he shouldn’t,’ Olivia told them.
Josaia grinned. ‘See?’ But when he moved pain filled his face and he stopped.
‘Take it slowly.’ Olivia spoke firmly. ‘I need to look at your face first. Then you’d better be careful what you do until Dr Zac sees you.’ She needed to get out of there before he turned up and started asking why she hadn’t returned any of his messages.
‘He came when I was asleep.’ Josaia slowly sat up, his damaged cheek turned up to her. ‘My face is better, isn’t it?’
If he could think that with a line of stitches running down his cheek then he was well on the way to recovery. ‘Lots better.’
‘My friends are going to like me again.’
Thud. Olivia’s heart sank. ‘Josaia, you are still going to have a scar, just not as obvious and no more lumps and bumps.’
‘My arm’s going to work properly.’
‘Soon, yes. You have to do a lot of work first, exercises that Dr Zac will show you.’ But those friends? ‘Let’s take everything slowly, eh?’ She sat down beside him and turned his head so that the overhead light shone on the wound. No redness or puffiness, just a neat line that would heal into a thin, flat scar that over time would fade to a pale mark on his skin. ‘That’s looking good.’ Pride filled her. Hopefully she’d made this boy’s life a little easier.
If only her mother was as easily pleased when she visited later.
*
‘I am not going into one of those rehab places. They’re full of pious do-gooders who think having a drink is a crime.’
Clocked driving at eighty-five Ks per hour in a residential area while drunk was a crime. ‘You’re lucky Judge Walters has given you another chance to fix your life. He’s ordered you to go into a clinic. If you don’t you’ll appear before him again and this time he’ll throw the book at you. You already have one drunk-driving conviction.’ She drew in a breath. ‘I’ve made you an appointment for tomorrow at the clinic in Remuera. I’ll come with you.’
‘Bet that man you went away with wouldn’t do anything naughty, like having a drink too many.’
Olivia sighed at her mother’s classic tactic of changing the subject. ‘Leave Zac out of this.’
‘Why? You got the hots for him?’
I don’t want him sullied by you. ‘We’re friends, nothing more.’ Nothing less either. If only…
‘He’s cocky, thinks he’s every woman’s gift.’ Her mother looked smug as she raised her coffee to her lips, then put it down without a sip.
‘No, Mum, he does not.’ Confident, comfortable in his own skin, but not cocky.
‘You watch. He’ll get what he wants from you and walk away. He’s not the settling-down type.’
Mum always aimed for the bull’s-eye. Never missed either. ‘You know an awful lot about Zac for having spent very little time with him.’
‘He’s going to hurt you, darling. Trust me, I know men and how they operate. You are fair game with this one.’
She snapped, ‘Zac is not like you thin
k. You’re insulting him with your accusations.’
‘Watch this space,’ her mother drawled, before changing tactics again. ‘Darling, I’m only thinking of you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I know what that’s like, believe me.’
‘Why are you doing this? You want to destroy everything I hold dear.’
‘Ha, you care about him. Knew it. I worry about what happens to you. I’m your mother, I want you to be happy.’ Her hands shook so badly coffee slopped onto the table.
Mum’s frightened. Of what? She’s been going on about Zac. Aha. Got it. She’s afraid she’ll have to share me. She’s always done this. She drove Dad away, pushed friends out of my life, and I’ve gone along with it, believing I can’t love two people at once, can’t be there for anyone but her.
‘Goddamn,’ she said under her breath. Have I been wrong? ‘Mum, I’ve got to go. I’ll pick you up at ten tomorrow.’
‘Come back, Olivia. I need to talk to you.’
‘No, Mum, I’m done talking.’
She ran out to her car, leapt in, jerked the gearstick into drive, and sped away.
Cornwall Park was busy with families and their dogs, with joggers, walkers, and tourists heading up to the top of One Tree Hill. Olivia strode out under the massive trees, her hands stuffed in her jacket pockets, her chin down. And let it all in. Everything that had shaped her. Dad abandoning her. Her mother. Zac. Her life.
The answers for the future were elusive. But I want to try. I love Zac. No denying it. So now what? Race around to his apartment and tell him the good news? Leap into his arms and hang on for dear life?
Even as she spun around to return to her car and do just that, common sense prevailed.
Am I absolutely sure?
Hurting Zac was not on the agenda. There were a lot of things to think through, and she’d take her time, spend the next few days getting her head around the fact that she could be about to change her life for ever by giving her heart to Zac. By letting go of some of the control that had kept her on track most of her life.
Scary. Downright terrifying.
*
The days dragged. Sleep was elusive and work tedious. Her head was full of arguments for and against getting involved with Zac. More involved.
