by Clara Bayard
“Does that mean you want another round?”
He grinned. “Many more rounds.”
I crossed my arms in front of me and arched an eyebrow. “How many more?”
“As many as you can stand, sweetheart.”
I laughed. “Sounds like a challenge to me.”
He leaned down and tugged at a lock of my hair that had come free. “Call it whatever you want.”
“I have no idea what to call this,” I said honestly.
“Does it matter?”
“I don’t know. No. Maybe.”
Rick chuckled and put his feet up on the coffee table. “We’re a lot alike, you know.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I meant it as a good thing. You’re a real pain in the ass, Julia. But for some reason I find that kind of cute. And very sexy.”
I smiled. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“See? That’s what I mean. Alike.”
I shrugged. “In some ways, perhaps.”
“Uh-uh. Don’t do that.”
“What?”
He stood up and offered me a hand. I manage to get to my feet. “No thinking deep thoughts.”
“I wasn’t.”
Rick shook his head. “You were about to. But I have the perfect cure for that.”
“You do?”
“Yup. Take the rest of your clothes off and come with me.”
“Okay bossy,” I grumbled. But I didn’t really mean it. And to prove that, I finished undressing and followed him into the bathroom, nude.
I found him in there, fiddling with faucets in the shower. I took a moment to just enjoy the view. The intricate lattice of ink covering his wide back that tapered to slim hips and a butt I just wanted to smack. Or bite. Or both.
Rick looked over his shoulder at me and smiled. Fuck, that grin was disarming. It was for the best few people got to see it. The man could stop traffic with the thing. “You gonna stay in the doorway all night?”
“Nope.” I walked over and joined in in the glass-walled stall. He turned the water on hot and we stood under the spray for a while, just looking at each other. I loved the way his eyes danced over me. Like every bit of me brought him pleasure. “Enjoying the view?”
He nodded and reached out to run a finger over my jaw, down my neck and over my shoulder. “I’m enjoying everything about this.”
I grinned. “You know, for such an asshole, you’ve got some sweet words.”
“I’m not sweet, Julia. I’m honest. And you’re the fucking sexiest thing I’ve seen in a long, long time.”
I licked my lips before replying. “I feel the same way.”
He reached around behind me and tugged the rest of my hair free so it hung in a dark coppery sheet over my shoulders. Water dripping from the ends tickled my breasts.
Rick groaned and pushed me back against the wall of the shower. He kissed me hard on the mouth and then slid down to his knees in front of me.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“What do you think?” He snorted and ran his hands up my legs, over my calves, backs of my knees and then around to my hips. “I want to taste you.”
I shut my eyes and moaned.
His mouth descended to my core, tongue and lips playing lightly over my tender, heated flesh. Teasingly he planted light kisses around and around, circling closer to where I wanted – needed – him.
And just as I braced a hand against the glass wall, a sound from outside the bathroom snatched my attention. “You’ve got to me kidding me.”
“What?” Rick asked from between my legs.
“Someone is knocking on your door. If it’s my goddamned mother I’m jumping out the window.”
He laughed against my skin, sending a shiver of pleasure through me.
“It’s just Matty. We’re supposed to go drinking.”
I pushed him away and frowned. “Why didn’t you mention this before?”
Rick grinned. “You’re kidding, right? To hell with him. I’m busy.”
“That’s rude.”
He laughed again, rising to his feet. “I’m rude. And really fucking horny. You can help me with that. He can’t. He’ll understand.”
I glared at him and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel on the way. “No way. I’m not having sex in your shower while he waits out there.”
Rick followed me out and I had to avert my eyes to keep from forgetting everything I’d just said.
“Fine. I’ll go tell him to leave.”
“Naked?”
He shrugged. “It’ll be a very effective non-verbal clue.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’ll say.”
Stupid me, I’d thought he was kidding. But no. I peeked around the doorway and watched him stroll bare-ass to the door. He cracked it open and said something I couldn’t quite hear. I tried not to giggle as he had whatever conversation with Matthew, but it seemed to go on for a rather long time.
Eventually he shut the door and walked back towards me. “All cleared up. Matt’s gonna grab a pizza and then come back to watch.”
I gaped at him for a second and then threw my towel at his head. “Jerk.”
He laughed and grabbed me around the waist. “He’s gone. Back to the shower or bed?”
“Bed, I think.”
“Excellent choice.” He pulled me over and I went. Very willingly.
But by the time we were stretched out next to each other on the wide expanse of expensive cotton sheets, a thought stopped me.
“What did you tell him?”
Rick was already tossing one leg over my hip. He looked up at me, confused. “Tell who?”
“Matthew.”
“Huh? Oh, I just said I had something else to do tonight and I’d see him tomorrow.”
“He didn’t ask what?”
“No. He’s not my father, Julia. It’s not the first time I got a better offer than to hang out with him all night.”
I stiffened at that. “Right.”
Rick looked at me. “I didn’t mean it like that. Shit.”
“It’s fine.”
He sighed and sat up. “I can’t believe I’m going to actually say this, but maybe we should talk.”
“About what?”
“This. Whatever we’re doing here.”
“I thought it was clear. What’s to talk about?” I was being kind of a bitch, but I couldn’t help it. My brain was all messed up. Half of me wanted to just shut up and climb on top of him. Leave everything else for later. But the other half was confused. Was this more than sex? Could it be? Did I even want it to be?
Things were much easier when I hated Rick and just wanted to fuck him. Now we were having conversations and it was kind of fun to just talk to him and I didn’t know what to do about any of it.
“I need a drink,” Rick said.
I rolled over onto my back, pulling the sheet up over me. “Make mine a double.”
He smiled and went over to the bar, returning quickly with a bottle of whiskey. He took a long swallow and handed it over to me.
“Gee, you sure know how to romance a girl, Rick.”
“You want champagne?”
I shook my head and drank from the bottle. “Hell, no.”
“Good. So, what’s the deal, Julia? You wanna go steady? Be friends with benefits?”
I laughed. “Benefits we’ve got. Friends? I wouldn’t go that far.”
He grabbed his chest, pretending to be wounded. “Then what? You want me to take you out for dinner? Walk you to the door and act nervous to kiss you?”
“Of course not. None of that shit matters to me. I just…”
“What?”
After another long pull from the bottle I continued. “I don’t know what’s going to happen and I hate that. I’ve worked so hard to get here and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.”
“Am I the ‘anything’ in this scenario?”
“Sort of. Look, I wasn’t looking for this. I’m
kind of a get what you want and get on with it kind of girl. But I really like being with you. In the biblical sense.”
He chuckled and grabbed the whiskey back. “I noticed. And I like it too. So what do we do?”
“I don’t know. Keep it up. But we have to be careful. I don’t want gossip. I’ve barely got enough credibility to keep my name on those tour posters as it is.”
“All right.”
“All right? That’s it?”
“Sure. I can say more words if you want, but I don’t think I need to. I get where you’re coming from and it works fine for me. I don’t mind arguing with you, obviously. But I won’t do it for no reason.” Rick put the bottle down next to the bed and ran his hand over his head. “How about this. Until the first show, we do what we want to do. When you want me, you call. When I want you, I’ll call. See how it goes from there.”
“And no one finds out?”
“No one.” He held out his hand. “Shake on it?”
I giggled and shook. “Deal.” In the back of my mind I wondered if he was too agreeable about this. If there was some reason he didn’t want anyone to know we were sleeping together. But any reservations faded away when he pulled me close and bent to suck at my neck.
“Let’s seal this deal with a fuck, Julia.”
I laughed. “This is by far my favorite business meeting today.” It also ended up being the longest. By the time I stumbled happily back to my room people were heading downstairs to breakfast. I smiled and shrugged at everyone who met my eye.
What can I say: It’s rock and roll.
*
The next few days passed in a blur. I’d wake up to a room shut tight against the afternoon sun, get dressed and grab something quick to eat before heading to rehearsals, fittings, interviews and photo shoots. Then dinners with the suits. Drinks with everyone. It seemed every bar and club in Vegas wanted to host us and we took full advantage.
And more and more, my nights ended in Rick’s bed. Or with him in mine. No sleepovers. Just a few hours of mind-blowing sex before retreating to our separate rooms. In some ways, it was the best relationship I’d ever had. Which is really messed up.
Like a terrible magic trick, having that thought in the back of my mind led to disaster. Sent me down a road I never wanted to go down.
It all started one evening a week before the first show. We were all putting in long hours. My head was ringing all the time, but I’d finally gotten a chance to do something fun and relatively quiet. It took a lot of wrangling, but the label finally approved our idea to have Matthew play one song with me. We’d practiced it a few times, but there were still a lot of things to work out. So, during a break, we stayed behind to get it done. I was sitting at the edge of the stage, picking out a new transition for an acoustic version of “Up to Me.” Matthew was next to me, watching my hands intently.
“You’ve almost got it,” he said.
I smiled. “Thanks, but you’re just being nice. I can hear it in my head but can’t seem to make it work in the real world.”
He laughed. “Nothing real about this world, Julia.”
“Good point.” I gave up and relaxed my fingers. “Let’s move on.”
“All right.” He looked down at the notes between us and said, “The only thing left is the last verse. Do you want to try something different?”
“I don’t know.” I licked my lips. “To be honest, my brain is kind of fried today.”
“Late night?”
The question was probably innocent, but I could feel myself blushing. I had been awake until the sun came up. Rick and I watched it on the balcony of his room. He’d bent me over so my face was warmed by the brightening glow while he took me from behind. I could still feel the faint soreness from the railing pressing into my belly and remembered the sensation of wind on my face when I came.
The memory left a faint smile on my face. “Uh, something like that,” I told Matthew, and hurried to change the subject.
“You guys all feeling ready?”
“As ready as we can be. I gotta be honest, I kind of miss playing the little dive bars we started out in. Tens of thousands of people in a stadium. Can you really be ready for that?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
It was nice talking to him. Matthew was quiet, sure, but he was sweet and funny in his way. It must be hard for him, I thought. Surrounded by the huge personalities in Dream Defiled, he seemed to get lost sometimes. But during the rare moments we were alone, he was always nice to me, and open. We chatted about music, mostly. There was no trivia he didn’t know. No genre he couldn’t wax poetically about.
He grinned. “It’s kind of like being a kid, you know? Right before a big family vacation or something. Excited and nervous and just want it to start already.”
“Yeah,” I answered, but I didn’t really understand. I never went on trips with my family that weren’t business related.
“But,” he continued, “It’s weird. Because I kind of don’t want it to start because that means we’re just another day closer to the end.”
I looked over at him. “That’s dark, Matthew.”
He laughed. “I know. And it’s dumb. But…things are better for us on the road. Better between us.”
I put down my guitar and turned to face him. “Better than what? Is something wrong?”
“Nah, not really. It’s just…different. Things feel, I dunno…fragile, I guess.”
“It’s hard to keep a group together. And you guys are all so different.”
“True.” His voice turned wistful and he looked out into the empty theater. “I guess it just feels like everything is happening so fast. One minute we’re hoping to find another label and then before I know it we’re blowing up. Tours and albums and videos and interviews and money and everything. It’s…a lot.”
I smiled slightly. “Hey, I totally understand. Remember, I went through the same thing. I was a kid, but I still felt it. Like a sudden growth spurt. Nothing fits and your limbs don’t work right until you get used to it. But you’ll find your balance.”
“I hope so.” He looked at me intently. “Um, don’t tell anyone I said anything, okay?”
“Of course not.”
“I shouldn’t have, really.”
“Hey, don’t worry. No one will believe you spoke to me even if I did tell them.”
Matthew chuckled and wrapped his knuckles across my knee lightly. “I do talk. Just not as much as the others.”
“Good thing, too. The words coming out of your mouth actually mean something.”
His lip curled in a weird smile. “That’s sweet of you to say. And I think I get it, now.”
“Get what?”
He opened his mouth and then shook his head. “Nothing. Um, should we go again or call it a night?”
I sighed. Whatever he was going to say, I didn’t want to push it. I felt a real friendship growing between us and didn’t want to jeopardize it. Not to mention I didn’t get the feeling he was this open with many people. A shame, but understandable. A sensitive soul is great for songwriting and injecting emotion into music, not so wonderful for actually surviving the business.
“Let’s try one more time. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow with this hanging over my head.”
“Good point.” Matthew stood up and started to play. “You know this, Julia. Trust yourself.”
I nodded and stood as well, listening closely to the music, but not obsessing about the notes. His guitar filled the air with the melancholy melody. I let it flow over me, and then started singing. The lyrics tunneled deep into my heart and it just clicked. The raucous beat of “Up to Me” was slower and sadder now, and each word spoke volumes.
“Dig a tunnel to Hell to get to you,” I continued, shutting my eyes to the world around me. It was working. The song was flowing perfectly. He inspired me to work harder. And I enjoyed our time together. I found myself wanting him to be proud of me. To repay his kindess and trust. It was a strange feeling
, but one I actually liked.
FOUR
Lest anyone take us for responsible adults, after rehearsal, Matthew and I decided to go get drunk. We skipped the bars and clubs in the hotel and made our way off the strip to a tiny dive the guys had discovered during some late night wandering. It was dark and dank and no one either knew or cared who we were. In other words, perfect.
And, unsurprisingly, we entered to find Dex holding court with his girlfriend, entertaining a table full of regulars with stories I’m sure were ninety percent untrue.
“Julia,” Becca called out when we entered. “Come and join us.”
I smiled and headed over, with Matthew in tow. Everyone shifted enough to make room for us and we dropped into a pair of rickety chairs that had once been wood but now seemed made mostly of a sticky residue of dried booze and other things I didn’t want to think about.
Becca switched places with someone I didn’t know and slung an arm around my waist in a quick hug that startled me. Until I looked at her closely and saw she was listing a bit to the side and her eyes had a glassy bleary brightness that too many drinks can give.
“Having a good time?” I asked, grinning.
“The best. Even better now that you’re here.”
“You’re drunk, Becca.”
She nodded enthusiastically and then said, loudly, “We’re all drunk!”
A cheer went up around us and I laughed. “Oh boy.”
On the other side of me, Matthew touched my shoulder lightly. “Want a drink?”
“Yeah. Seems like we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Shot of tequila and a beer.”
“Coming right up.” He stood and headed over to the bar and I turned my attention back to Dex.
“…Total bullshit, right? But I swear, they did. Forty fucking pensioners bare arse-uh-assed in the middle of the road.”
The deafening roar of laughter that went around the table suggested I’d missed quite a story.
“You’re full of shit, Dex,” Becca said lovingly. “There were five of them, max.”
“Lies! You’re the best woman I know, love, but you can’t count for shit.”
I joined in the laughter for that one, shaking my head.
“How long have you guys been here?” I asked Becca.
“I’m not sure. What time is it?”
