“So?” Karl asked, “Is he bringing his wife?”
I shook my head, “Uh, no. No.” He said he’d ask his cousin or someone...” Actually, he’d said nothing of the sort, so I’d taken it that he’d come on his own and I’d been absolutely fucking delighted...
“And you’re absolutely sure he’s straight?” Justin asked, a frown on his face.
I was beginning to wonder – well, actually I was beginning to hope that he wasn’t if I was going to be completely honest but I wasn’t about to tell the guys that – not when I was also fairly sure that he had absolutely no idea about me. It made me wonder if my wishful thinking was making me see things that weren’t really there. “Pretty sure, yeah – he’s not always what you could call PC and I heard him the other day referring to his stepbrother, who’s obviously gay with all sorts of inappropriate phraseology...” There was no denying that I’d heard him talking to two of the other guys who were poking fun about the poor guy who was a hair stylist and quite obviously a bit camp. I’d ignored it, more out of a self-preservation thing. I didn’t need them starting on me. I loved playing five-a-side and it was nothing to do with any of the guys I played with what my sexual preference was. It didn’t make any difference to me what theirs was. I couldn’t care less. Well, I’d prefer Danny to be gay, there was no denying it, but otherwise...
Justin’s frown turned to a scowl, “Hmpphh,” He snorted, “You can tell him to fuck right off, then.” He said hotly.
I smiled. Justin was older than the rest of us by only a year but he was very protective of us all, which was pretty funny because he was easily the shortest and slightest of the four of us.
“I can handle him.” I said softly. The idea of handling him in a totally different way drifted into my mind and I had to turn away from them all before they realised that my thoughts about Danny had turned dirty...
“Right,” Karl said briskly, “well, now that we’ve established that Rayshe has a massive crush on a straight, white guy?” He looked at me questioningly and I rolled my eyes and nodded. I was usually attracted to white guys, not that it actually mattered... “who’s also a homophobic arsehole – can we maybe get back to the session?” He flashed me a cheeky grin, “We do have a set next Friday night to nail.”
Everyone got back into position on our makeshift stage in Karl’s parents’ converted cellar and we waited for Noah, our drummer, to count us in.
This time I concentrated on what I was doing and did my best to push all thoughts of Danny to the back of my mind – where they belonged.
*
Of course, it wasn’t as easy as that... Not when I saw him twice a week at football, anyway.
I pulled up in the car park and spotted him already going up the steps. My heart took off at a gallop. Calm yourself down, you fucking idiot. I berated myself He’s just a guy – and a straight, possibly homophobic one at that...
Taking a deep breath, I opened the car door, pressed the fob on the alarm and took off towards the entrance of the gym. Adopting my poker face, I made my way inside...
“Hey, Horatio!” Danny grinned at me from where he was sat on the bench, pulling off his tracksuit bottoms.
I did my best not to look at his crotch and forced myself to look up into his face. He was so damned beautiful... “Hey, yourself.” I grinned back at him, “Good week?”
He shrugged, “Meh, you know – same old...”
I nodded, “Yeah,” I agreed, “Same here – hey – you are coming to Studs on Friday, aren’t you.”
Shock flickered in his eyes and his beautiful smile faded a little, “Studs?” he asked, realisation dawning on his face, “Do you mean Studs – as in the gay joint?”
I nodded, forcing myself to look him in the eyes and not to look away. I swear I’d called it by name last week when I’d invited him, “Yeah – I told you that was where we played...”
He swallowed hard and then looked up at me, something close to fear in his eyes, “So, does that mean...”
I raised an eyebrow, “That I’m gay?” I asked, wondering how he could possibly have missed that about me but then, why wouldn’t he? I was just the same as he was. A hairy-arsed, blokey bloke. “Yeah, I am.” This was the moment it all went pear shaped... “Is that uh, a problem for you?” Of course it was a problem for him. I didn’t know why I was even asking.
He went bright red, “N-no...” he stuttered.
I smiled. Bless him. He was quite clearly totally mortified. Still if he was a mate, it shouldn’t matter to him... “Oh, Good.” I said, “So you’ll still come?”
He shook his head, looking as miserable as could be, “I, uh, I can’t – I’m sorry...”
I felt like I’d been slapped. My heart stuttered and everything. He was dead keen the last time we spoke about him coming to support the band, “What’s up?” I asked, hurt creeping into my voice, “Don’t you like me now that I’m gay, like your stepbrother?” It was harsh – and as soon as the words were out there, I wanted to take them back – not least for the fact that it showed I’d been earwigging his conversation with Matt and Geoff the other day. His face was a picture as he stared back at me.
“No!” he exclaimed, “It’s not like that!” He was really red in the face, “I’m not like that...”
Well, it had certainly sounded to me that he was like that and I couldn’t hide the fact that it hurt. I wasn’t giving him an inch, “Yeah, you are,” I muttered, trying hard to keep the disgust out of my voice, “I heard you the other day talking to Matt and Geoff about the guy. And I know for a fact that they’re like that and that’s why I’ve never told them that I’m gay – not that it’s any of their business anyway – luckily I don’t have the stereotypical build or the camp manner.” And I could sweat like a pig, just like all the rest of them.
“Oh, God,” he murmured, squeezing his eyes shut. Opening them again he blinked and looked at me, “You really are gay, aren’t you?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes, “Duh.” I said, “I’m all about the cock, man. Accept that – accept the way I am, and we can be friends. Call me a cocksucker and I’ll probably forgive you – ‘cause I’m kind of proud of how good I am at that particular activity,” I flashed him a grin and felt ridiculously pleased that his eyes got wider with shock at my brazenness, “but call me anything else in a derogatory manner about my sexuality or anything else about me – and you can forget it.”
He nodded, “Right, sure, n-no problem,” He said, “I’d really like to be mates with you, Horatio. I really like you,” he blushed bright red, which was the cutest thing ever, “but I can’t come on Friday – as much as I would really like to but Mara really wouldn’t go for it.”
Ahh, so this was all about the wife... She, no doubt, knew about Studs and Steel being a gay joint and she was scared that her husband would have his head turned...
I shrugged, “Well, that’s fine.” I said, “What about coming around to mine to listen to me play instead? Just the two of us hanging out? I’ve uh, I’ve got my own place...” Thanks to my brother moving out to live with his girlfriend... Surely his wife couldn’t be jealous of him going around to a mate’s house – even if that mate was trying to get in his pants...
He brightened and my heart took off again when he flashed me that beautiful grin. Fuck. He was far too good-looking to be wasting himself on that girl...
Chapter 4 – Helping my brother...
Danny
I looked at myself in the mirror. Mouth full of foam from my minty toothpaste and went over in my mind again the conversation I’d had with Horatio the day before... Oh, God. I squeezed my eyes shut before leaning over the sink and spitting. Talk about mortifying. He was incredibly attractive and I’d had to admit to myself that I was horribly attracted to him – but I had no idea Horatio was gay...
Possibly even more mortifying than admiring him was afar, was knowing that my attraction to him had the possibility of being returned – and I really didn’t know what the hell to do with
that knowledge…
He just didn’t fit in with my pre-conceived ideas of gay guys and he was absolutely right – he really didn’t have a build anything like my stepbrother, Jules. It wasn’t like I’d spent a whole lot of time with many gay guys – just Jules really, growing up, and his mates and boyfriends – but they’d all been the same – twinks through and through. All of them eight stone wet-through with styled hair and tight-fitting clothes. Yeah, yeah – I know, I was stereotyping them again... Call me homophobic if you will. It wasn’t because he was gay that I disliked Jules... and I didn’t dislike him really... I’m ashamed to admit that I was actually kind of jealous of him. Jealous of the ease with which he appeared to live his life. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he fancied guys...
Not like me – crippled with fear and anxiety that I found some men attractive. So instead, I’d buried those feelings, concentrating on girls instead, and convincing myself that I actually fancied them. It had worked for a while too. Whilst I was busy convincing myself that my stepbrother was a freak of nature and a disgusting pervert, it was kind of easy to pretend that I was nothing like that. I met Mara – a beautiful, if headstrong, girl who I instantly felt attracted to. We dated, we had regular sex, which I thought was amazing – particularly when she got a little rough with me and suggested experimenting with a dildo (for me). I thought I had it made.
I thought that the feelings I’d got when I was fourteen was just confusion... It wasn’t. The moment I met Horatio all of those same feelings came flooding back. When he admitted that he was gay, I was undone... I didn’t care if fancying him meant that I was a freak of nature. I didn’t care that I would be talked about by stupid, ignorant people the same as I’d once been – I didn’t care because I’d finally accepted what I was. I was gay. I really fancied Horatio – and I was sick and tired of being told how to live my fucking life by my violent bully of a wife...
My phone rang. I squinted at the screen in disbelief. Jules... It was almost as if I’d thought about him and therefore conjured him up – it was uncanny how often that happened to me. I vaguely wondered if I thought about Horatio more, he’d miraculously call. I was shaking my head and grinning to myself as I pressed the accept button. Idiot.
“Danny?”
Well, who else? “Julian?” In my shock at him calling, I’d reverted to calling him by his given name – the one he hated. I was convinced he was living it up in London with some swanky hairstylist.
There was a beat of silence. No doubt he was smarting about the Julian comment. “Can you do me a favour...?”
“Well, that depends on what it is.” I said sounding bitchy even to myself. I couldn’t help it – my inner bitch always surfaced when I was talking to Jules and besides, I wasn’t about to change any plans that involved Horatio to spend time with my stepbrother...
“It’s Mum....” he went on to explain that she desperately needed her pain-killing drugs and I was galvanised into action immediately – his mum, my stepmother had terrible arthritis and depended on those drugs. There was no way I wasn’t going to help out. She was very important to me. She’d more or less brought me up – guiding me through my confusing teenage years and showing me that I could be whatever I wanted to be and she would always love me – unconditionally – even if I had married a woman that she didn’t think was worthy of me.
To be fair, she hadn’t actually said that but she had asked me to really consider my options before I got married just because my girlfriend had gotten pregnant – and she was the only person to ask me if I was sure the baby was mine… She cared about me far more that my dad did, who’d just said I was an idiot and that I’d made my bed and had to lie in it for dating a religious freak... Anyway…
“Where are you, then? I’m not gonna have to come and rescue you from some god-awful gay bloke, am I?” It was lucky that Mara had gone away for the weekend with her girlfriends to see some concert or other. She had said who they were but I couldn’t have really been listening properly because I couldn’t remember who they were now for the life of me. There was no way she’d have let me go to help Mum out if she’d been home. She didn’t like my stepmother – said she judged her unfairly and I therefore, hadn’t really seen Mum for months. To be quite honest, it wasn’t just Mum she didn’t like – she actually didn’t like any of my family, or any of my friends for that matter so I hadn’t seen anyone other than my five-a-side football team in absolutely ages.
Jules assured me that I wasn’t rescuing him from anyone and gave me directions to a really interesting sounding restaurant that was a fair few miles away. “I’ll be there in around an hour, then.” I agreed reluctantly.
I picked him up and drove back, lost in thought for most of the way, wondering how I was supposed to tell my wife that I didn’t love her anymore and that I wanted a divorce without her losing the plot completely and probably killing me. It finally dawned on me that I was being really rude and I shook myself out of my daydreams, “So where’s your car?” I asked.
Jules sighed loudly and rolled his eyes in typical fashion, “I don’t have one anymore, remember? I sold it when I went to live in London.”
“But you don’t live there anymore?” I asked. What the fuck had happened to his amazing boyfriend that sounded like Prince Charming and was going to make him rich and famous?
He shook his head and bit his lip. He really didn’t want to tell me, “Uh, no – I came back. I’ve just found somewhere to live, actually.”
I raised my eyebrows. Kai had always looked like a right wanker to me with his nose stud and fancy suits. I’d hated him on sight. Poor old Jules had been absolutely smitten though – and I had to admit, he was, at least, an improvement on Ashley... Poor guy really needed a break – and a relationship with a nice guy for a change... I realised in that instant that we really weren’t all that dissimilar. Both useless at relationships… “Hot stud dump you, did he?”
Jules smiled. He was used to my banter. He knew I didn’t really mean to wind him up – it was just too damned easy. “Something like that – yeah.”
I grinned, “So you stopped off at a posh hotel to look for another sugar daddy, huh?”
Jules narrowed his eyes imperceptibly but I still noticed. I’d gone too far, as usual. He remained ever polite and civil – something he was far better at than me, “No.” he said with dignity, “It was recommended by the girl on the desk in the coach station – my coach was double booked and I simply needed a place to stay. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
I chuckled, “I’m not disappointed.” I said, “Surprised, maybe.”
Jules didn’t even comment on my nastiness and we drove the rest of the way in silence. I really had no idea why I was always needling him. Jealousy that he was at least living his life honestly, I guess...
As I pulled up outside our sister, Charity’s house, Jules turned to me, “Thanks, Dan. I really do appreciate this.”
I nodded, staring straight ahead, lost in thought about my pathetic excuse of a real life. “No problem.” I muttered.
Jules hesitated, frowning at me, “Are you okay, bro’?” he asked.
Holy shit. The last thing I needed was my stepbrother picking up on my melancholy thoughts about Mara and Horatio. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said, forcing myself to turn to him with some sort of a smile, “Just got a few things on my mind.” Well that was true enough – even with Horatio in the mix, things with Mara were far from perfect.
“Wanna come in and talk about it?” he offered, “Contrary to popular belief – I can talk to straight people who aren’t having their hair styled, too.”
He’d always been funny. I grinned at him and then a rush of affection flooded me. Jules was a great guy and I’d been nothing but a shitty brother for most of our lives, “Hey, look – I know this is about ten years too late – but I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time when we were kids. I was a juvenile twat – and totally out of line most of the time.”
Jules just shrugged, “You
had macho mates – what were you supposed to do? Defend the twink and be bullied yourself?” He smiled at me with far too much understanding.
I sat up a little straighter. I’d been useless when we were younger – useless. I might not have Horatio’s impressive physique but neither was I built like Jules. I was kind of in between the two of them, taller than Jules and slighter than Horatio. “Actually – yeah.” I said with a frown, “That was exactly what I should have done,” I said, feeling thoroughly ashamed of my younger self, “you were my kid brother and I let you down – constantly.” And he’d been so cute and sweet and adorable too. I’d loved every hair on his head. Still did actually, even if my behaviour towards him suggested otherwise.
Jules gave me a sweet smile, “Well, thanks – but you didn’t let me down this morning – so let’s call it even.”
Call it even? We weren’t even close. “I could have done better,” I argued, shaking my head, “and I will do better from now on.” I promised, “I didn’t step in when that wanker, Ashley, was bullying you either.” Shit. I wasn’t supposed to talk about Ashley. He was the big taboo subject in the family... He’d been Jules’s first serious boyfriend. He’d abused him mentally and physically and then when Jules had finally had enough and left him, he’d hanged himself in their shared apartment, leaving a note saying it was all his fault and that Jules was to blame for him wanting to die.
Jules definitely didn’t want to talk about him. He visibly flinched but then he seemed to check himself and answered me, “In your defence, I didn’t ask you for any help.” He reminded me.
I frowned, shaking my head, “I could see that he was a wrong-’un,” I grumbled, “I should have kicked his bony arse while I still had the fucking chance. The cowardly bastard.” Okay, Dan – rein it in. He’s really not enjoying this...
When Danny Met Horatio Page 2
