Yes, We're Haitian

by Alain Patron

  Junior, Emmanuel, and Broderick take the first flight back to NYC. Papa Woody’s passing takes precedence over any and all schemes that were devised by all parties. The flight home is the opposite of their flight to Haiti because it’s dark--literally & figuratively. There is no welcoming committee, only car services. “I’m sorry about your grandfather,” says Broderick before pussyfooting into the back of a taxi. Emmanuel nods in Broderick’s direction as to say, “Goodbye,” while patting Junior on the shoulder as to say, “We’ll get him.”

  In their own cab on the way to his parents’ house, Junior & Emmanuel both look vacantly out their respective windows. Emmanuel then closes his eyes to fight back the tears. For the first time in his life, Junior sees his uncle show an emotion other than happiness or anger. His heart gets heavier because the mortality he once feared for his grandparents has now come to fruition and is beginning to show itself to his parents’ generation. The cruel irony of this moment isn’t lost on Junior. He once imagined a time where his grandparents wouldn’t be alive to return from Haiti, and here he is returning from the homeland for his grandfather’s funeral.

  The ride from the airport was relatively short. When they get to their destination, there are cars lined up and down the street, blocking driveways and double-parked everywhere. The family has come together to mourn Papa Woody. Junior’s first objective is to check on his grandmother. He forgoes the customary greeting of everybody when he walks into a house or room and searches for his grandmother, Mama Sha, while ignoring people calling out his name. Someone yells out, “She’s sleeping” as he makes his way down the hallway. Junior opens the door to his grandparents’ room and finds Mama Sha lying on her bed, sobbing. Without saying a word, he lies down horizontally at the foot of the bed.

  Junior’s communication remained mostly non-verbal in the days that followed, causing Ricardo to watch him closely as he is concerned with Junior’s mental health. Family and friends are in & out of the Michel household paying their respects and helping with the funeral arrangements. Junior and Ricardo are tasked with setting up the house for the repast. While moving tables & chairs to the backyard, Junior notices Ricardo staring at him.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I just want to make sure you’re good.”

  “You don’t have to worry about me!”

  “I’m not worried; I care.”

  They continue setting up the house until Junior’s mother, Nadia, asks them to rearrange everything because Haitian mothers moonlight as interior decorators. Slightly annoyed, Junior asks his mother why nothing is ever good enough for.

  “Mwen pa gen tan pou sa jodi a! (I don’t have time for this today!)” says Nadia.

  The closer it got to the funeral, the more intense everybody got because they wanted to send Papa Woody off with the dignity & respect he lived with.

  The day before the funeral, Junior & Ricardo are sent on Haitian missions. What are Haitian missions? They’re what everybody else calls errands but more ridiculous because of the amount of time you’re expected to complete them in. However, Junior was intent on finishing these missions early because he wanted to spend time with Monica, who he hadn’t seen since returning from Haiti. Ricardo, never a fan of Monica, cautions against it but is met with resistance from Junior.

  “Call me crazy, but I’m not taking dating advice from a guy who dates anything with a vagina.”

  “First of all, who still says vagina? Secondly, you’re only supposed to take advice from people with scars.”

  “You call battling a lesbian because you turned her girlfriend back to penis…a scar?”

  “I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.”

  Junior cracks a smile for the first time since Papa Woody passed, and it gives Ricardo reason to believe his cousin will be alright. Before they can exchange any more wisecracks, Monica starts kicking Ricardo’s tires. All of Junior’s recent exploits with Broderick were posted to social media, and Monica has been waiting for this moment. She goes into a tirade about being disrespected, which Junior would usually engage in with irrational behavior, but he chooses to remain silent instead. Junior’s silence infuriates Monica.

  “What do you have to say for yourself?”

  “My grandfather died, and life is too short…”

  “Oh my God, boo! I’m so sorry! Life is too short to fight with the people you love.”

  “I agree, but the thing is…I don’t love you, Monica.”

  Ricardo takes great pleasure in watching Junior be assertive and direct. He yells at Junior, “Boy, you cold!”

  Ricardo starts the car because he assumes that’s the end of Junior & Monica’s interaction, but she was just getting started. She sits on the floor crying and throwing a temper tantrum, then proceeded to lay on the grass and roll around as if she was in a fire drill. Junior’s once upon a time flame for Monica had transformed into an extinguisher.

  Junior hops into the car, and Ricardo pulls off before Monica could inflict any damage to his vehicle. When they pull up to a red light, Ricardo expresses his respect for Junior’s newfound callous.

  “I didn’t know you had it in you, but I’m impressed.”

  “I told you I didn’t need any advice.”

  “Shit! I may need some from you. That was cold-blooded, mayne. See? You got me talking like Terrence Howard. You know she’s going to pull up on you, right?”

  “How many women done pulled up on you?”

  “You’re not focused. Ricardo does whatever he wants, but Ricardo considers the consequences.”

  "We're doing third-person now? That's what we're doing?"

  On the day of the funeral, Ricardo arrives early to pick Junior up, only to be met with suspicion.

  “I know what you’re doing here,” says Junior.

  “What do you mean?” asks Ricardo.

  “You’re trying to see what I’m going to wear so you can go change if you think I’ll look better than you. You’re outfit scouting me.”

  “Do you see what I have on? I don’t outfit scout; my outfits get scouted.”

  Before heading to the funeral home, the cousins go to the store because Papa Woody would always send them to buy lottery tickets and a box of Newport. They want to put them in Papa Woody’s suit jacket before he’s cremated as a final sign of respect. At the store, they encounter a funeral-goer, someone they both vaguely remember, but he remembers them, especially Ricardo.

  “Wow, Ricardo! You got tall, man!”

  “I remember you.”

  “Come on, man. What are you talking about? It’s Daniel; I used to watch basketball with you guys. Mario Elie!”

  According to Haitian people, Mario Elie is the greatest athlete of all-time because he’s Haitian and he hit the “Kiss of Death” against the Phoenix Suns on May 20, 1995. Haitian people have a proclivity for claiming that anyone with a trace of Haitian blood in them is not only 100% Haitian but the greatest at what they do. (I.e., Blake Griffin & Maxwell.) Daniel notices the cigarettes in Junior’s hands.

  “Junior, you can’t be smoking--come on, man!”

  “These aren’t for me. You remember me?”

  “Tèt koupe, papa ou! (You have your father’s face! or You’re just like your father!)”

  The entire morning is full of reunions and run-ins with familiar faces & strangers alike. Junior is given the daunting, if not impossible, assignment of delivering the final eulogy. The room sways from silence to outbursts of anguish. Junior understands this is a situation where everybody would look to Papa Woody for answers, so he shoulders the responsibility of giving his family peace of mind from his heart.

  “My grandfather supported any and everything I’ve wanted to do. Honestly, I don’t think he believed in everything I wanted to do, but he loved me enough to believe in me and help me believe in myself. This led me to assume I was his favorite because we’d all like to feel like we’re someone’s favorite. What I do know is he was everyone in this room’s fav
orite. Papa Woody showed us how to care and love each other--equally, and that’s what we’ll do moving forward because you honor a man by furthering his legacy.”

  There’s a smattering of golf claps that gradually develop into a standing ovation. The tears in everyone’s eyes have transitioned from grief to pride because they’ve just witnessed Junior become the man of the family. As the mourners file out of the room, Junior greets everyone and accepts their condolences, further cementing his position.

  Meanwhile, Ricardo, Johanne & Edner Jr. are waiting for Junior outside the funeral home when Edner Jr. notices a case of champagne in the backseat of Ricardo’s Q8.

  “Who drinks champagne at a funeral?” asks Edner Jr.

  “There’s a rule against champagne at a funeral afterparty? We’re celebrating life!”

  “A funeral afterparty? It’s called a repast.”

  “That sounds like some white people shit.”

  Johanne wonders how they can discuss such trivial matters at a time like this.

  “How is this what y’all talk about after a funeral?”

  Ricardo’s still annoyed with her because she refuses to tell him she loves him, and he decides to be petty.

  “I could talk about how I met this woman at the laundromat.”

  Johanne doesn’t find the humor in Ricardo’s “joke,” and walks away but quickly jogs back towards her brother & Ricardo, “Look who had the nerve…” Before she could finish her sentence, Ricardo sprints towards Broderick and knocks him down with one punch.

  “I love you!” yells Johanne.

  Kingdom Come

  “And it’s much bigger issues in the world--I know. But I first had to take care of the world I know.”

  – Jay-Z

  Déjà vu is a reminder to do the right thing.

  “I love you?” Edner Jr. asks Johanne, who promptly ignores him to restrain Ricardo from continuing his assault on Broderick. However, Edner Jr. refuses to be disregarded. “Johanne, what do you mean, I love you?”

  “Are you serious right now? I love you like...thank you for finally punching this asshole in the face.”

  Punch-drunk & out of breath, Broderick staggers to his feet while massaging his jaw & laughing.

  “That...that...that’s not what she meant. I...I have footage of them kissing.”

  Junior walks outside and sees the commotion.

  “This is my grandfather’s funeral, what are y’all doing?” Edner Jr. stares a hole through Junior before answering his question with a question.

  “Did you know about Johanne & Ricardo?”

  Broderick interrupts, “Of course he knew; they all just kept it from you!”

  Edner Jr. storms off, and Broderick follows him to offer him a ride.

  “Broderick, what are you even doing here?” asks Junior.

  “You and your uncle stole shit off my phone, and I want it back! But don’t worry...I’ll get you back.”

  Junior isn’t fazed by Broderick’s threat and walks back inside while giving the cold-shoulder to Ricardo, who is trying to plead his case. “He had it coming! I punched him for you!” Johanne reminds Ricardo that Papa Woody’s passing has weighed heavily on Junior. She cautions him to not become a burden for his cousin while he’s getting accustomed to his newfound responsibilities. Ricardo respects Johanne’s voice of reason and offers an alternative to attending the repast. “Let’s go have some champagne somewhere.”

  “To celebrate what?”

  “The fact that you finally said you love me.”

  “You love to get on my nerves.”

  At the repast, Junior sits with Mama Sha and refuses to drink any alcohol because he’s realized the effects liquor has on his judgment of people and his own actions. His parents join him, but instead of falling into a nostalgic trance, Junior is present and socializes. Junior’s future eventually becomes the topic of conversation, and he reinforces his commitment to finish school in honor of Papa Woody’s memory. However, Junior has another obligation to fulfill for his grandmother. Someone must transport Papa Woody’s ashes to Haiti and release them into his favorite lake. “Mwen pa mande ou pou anyen. Mwen bezwen ou fè sap ou mwen. (I don’t ask you to do anything. I need you to do this for me.)” Junior finds the guilt trip unnecessary but promises to grant Mama Sha’s wish.

  Emmanuel is standing on the patio, surveying the crowd when he locks eyes with Junior and pulls two cigars out of his suit jacket. Junior excuses himself and meets his uncle in front of the house. “I saw it in you before, but today you showed me something special; I’m very proud of you,” says Emmanuel. Junior lights his uncle’s cigar for him before responding.

  “I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if you didn’t save me from myself in Haiti. Speaking of which, I have to go back to...”

  “You have to bring Papa Woody home.”

  “How’d you know that?”

  “You think he sent you to the store all those times for nothing? He was teaching you how to follow directions and be responsible.”

  Ricardo arrives with Johanne, and Junior tries to fill Emmanuel in on the latest but he already knows they’ve had a secret fling for a while. Johanne greets Emmanuel before walking into the backyard, and Ricardo lights his own cigar before offering Emmanuel a sip of champagne.

  “Who drinks champagne at a funeral afterparty?” asks Emmanuel.

  “Exactly!” says Junior.

  “He called it an afterparty, though!” says Ricardo.

  They all enjoy a laugh until they see Broderick & Edner Jr. pull in front of the house together. When they get out of the minivan, neither of them gets any closer than the sidewalk. “I’m going to keep this short & sweet,” warns Broderick. “Meet us as at The Cigar Inn on 73rd tomorrow at noon!”

  “Why are you so dramatic? It’s a showdown at the O.K. Corral?” asks Emmanuel.

  “Nobody was talking to your old ass,” says Broderick.

  This gets a laugh out of Emmanuel, “Li pa dwe konnen kisa moun rele m. (He must not know what people call me.)”

  “Enough of all this shit,” says Edner Jr. “Just meet us at noon tomorrow so we can settle all this shit.”

  “What are you doing? Family sticks together!” proclaims Junior.

  “Family?! That’s what you call that piece of shit cousin of yours fucking my sister? Family?!”

  “Wouldn’t that make me like your brother?” sarcastically asks Ricardo.

  “Fuck you, Ricardo! If you & Junior care about family so much, you’ll be there tomorrow! It might be the only way to save your precious family,” says Edner Jr. before getting back into Broderick’s minivan.

  “See what happens because you can’t keep it in your pants?” asks Junior of Ricardo.

  “Relax. I told you before...I have a plan,” says Ricardo.

  The next morning, Ricardo picks Junior up, but Tyreef is driving.

  “Why is he here?” asks Junior.

  “Relax, I have a plan,” says Ricardo.

  There’s no need to find parking because Tyreef isn’t getting out of the car. When they walk into Cigar Inn, they see Edner Jr. & Broderick already seated. “Nice of you to join us,” says Broderick.

  “It’s 11:55,” says Junior.

  “Spare us the small talk,” says Ricardo. “Why are we here?”

  “You’re going to pay us one hundred thousand dollars -- each!” demands Broderick.

  “And why the fuck would we do that?” asks Ricardo.

  “Because I know you both want to keep your family’s precious reputation as pristine as possible. I don’t think you want the world to see your prestigious daddy doctor drunkenly berating his son. That Doctors’ Choice Awards nomination he wants? Gone! Your medical career? Finished before it starts, or are you going to ride your daddy’s white coattails forever?”

  “You’ve been recording my family this whole time?” asks Junior with disgust in his voice.

  “I record everybody. Family, friends, and clients.”


  “Why?”

  “Insurance.”

  “Funny you should mention that word because I actually prefer assurance policies,” says Ricardo. A rather large man approaches Broderick, and Ricardo introduces him, “This is Emmitt, but I think you know him a dad.”

  “Dad, what...what are you doing here?” asks Broderick in a state of panic.

  “No, son. What are you doing here? Extortion? This isn’t a game. These are people’s lives you’re playing with. Now get up and walk; you’re coming with me.”

  “Edner, thank you for giving me a call, and I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience my son has caused you and your family. If there’s ever anything I can do, just ask.”

  “Edner?” whispers Broderick in disbelief.

  Broderick and Emmitt walk out of Cigar Inn while Junior is left with his mouth wide open, “What the hell just happened?”

  “You didn’t think I’d flip on you guys like that? I knew about Johanne & Ricardo for a while, and even if I didn’t, my sister is grown, she can do what she wants.”

  “You mean who she wants?” asks Ricardo.

  “Too soon!” says Edner Jr.

  “That doesn’t explain his dad, and why didn’t you just have us get rid of the phone?” asks Junior.

  “Because it would have raised Broderick’s suspicions, and we needed to know what other footage he might’ve had,” says Ricardo. “All we needed was someone to get close enough to his server so Tyreef could extract and erase all the data from it. I told you I had a plan!”

  “This is like an episode of New York Undercover,” says Junior. “Thank you, guys!”

  Their phones simultaneously receive the same notification. The real reason Tyreef stayed in the car is so he could post videos of Broderick talking shit about his own clients. In the videos, Broderick also explains how he scams them & his own Live Evil charity. It may or may not be illegal, but Broderick’s reputation and business are now destroyed.

  “What time is it?” asks Ricardo.

  “Why’s that matter?” asks Junior.