‘Well …’ began Yesterday.
‘Please?’ said Boo.
Yesterday shrugged. ‘Okay,’ she said.
‘No skin off my bum,’ said Mug.
‘I think you mean “nose”,’ said Yesterday.
Mug checked his bum, and then his nose. ‘Hey, that too!’
‘But on one condition,’ said Yesterday.
‘What?’ asked Princess Princess suspiciously.
‘That you let Boo go back to being a werewolf. He can’t be a proper Hero in human form. All his Hero skills are werewolf ones.’
‘I’m not stopping him,’ said Princess Princess.
‘Yes, you are,’ said Yesterday hotly. ‘All those cracks about woof-woofs —’
‘And boo-boos,’ added Mug.
Boo looked at them, surprised. He hadn’t thought anyone else had noticed Princess Princess’s remarks. Or had been angry or upset for him …
‘Look, it’s okay,’ he began.
Yesterday folded her arms stubbornly. ‘No, it’s not! Princess?’
Princess Princess shrugged. ‘Fine,’ she said shortly.
‘Have you seen my mummy?’
Boo turned. It was the little lamb, Darlene. He’d forgotten all about her. He gulped. He wished he could ask the same thing. ‘Has anyone seen my Mum?’ Soon, Mum, he thought. Soon I’ll be able to hunt for you properly …
The little lamb’s silver lips trembled. She looked like her mother, though her fleece was a paler yellow, and fluffier. She clutched her toy closer. ‘The Rabbits haven’t got my mummy, have they? I was scared they’d get my lambie!’ she added.
‘Your mum is safe,’ said Boo, forcing the picture of his mum from his mind.
‘Yes,’ said Yesterday gently. ‘The Rabbits are all gone now.’
‘Will they come back?’ asked the little lamb.
‘Maybe,’ said Yesterday. ‘But if they do they’ll be nice friendly Rabbits, I promise. They’ll just eat some of your long grass. And you’ve got plenty to share. You’re safe now. All of you.’
‘Yes,’ said Princess Princess, sounding even more like her old self. ‘We have totally solved your Rabbit problem!’ Princess Princess gave a huge Hero-like kick into the air. ‘Wham! Bam! Pow!’ she cried.
The lamb looked impressed. ‘Wow,’ she said to Princess Princess. ‘You must be the bestest Hero in the universes!’
Princess Princess did another spectacular twist, her leg held high. ‘I’m the Totally Heroic Princess Princess of Pewké!’
‘More like Pike, I’d say,’ said Yesterday quietly. ‘Not much heroism from her.’
Princess Princess put her hand on the lamb’s yellow shoulder and began to lead her down the hill. ‘Now, you just take me to this place where your mother and the others are sheltering and we’ll tell them all about it. Come on!’ she called back to the others. It’s only fair to give the sheep people a chance to thank us properly. Hey, maybe they’d like to make us their royalty! Then I’d be Princess Princess Princess!’
‘Squeak,’ said Squeak. He sounded disgusted.
‘I know,’ said Yesterday. ‘Well?’ she added.
‘Well what?’ asked Boo, tearing his eyes away from Princess Princess’s back. She looked incredible when she used Wham! Bam! Pow! like that.
‘Are you going to Change back to werewolf form?’
‘You really think I should?’
‘Yes.’ Yesterday gave her almost smile again. ‘I like werewolves,’ she added. ‘Especially cute ones.’
‘Me too,’ rumbled Mug. ‘Hairy is bit like fungus.’
Boo concentrated.
PLUNG!
The grass was closer and much more smelly. Boo took a deep happy breath and stepped out of his clothes.
‘Squeak!’ Squeak struggled out of his pocket and glared at him.
Boo grinned — a good drooly doggie grin. ‘Woof! How about I ask Ms Shaggy to make you a special mouse bag? We can hang it on my collar.’
‘Squeak,’ agreed Squeak happily.
‘Till then you can ride with me.’ Yesterday picked Squeak up and set him on her shoulder. ‘Come on. We’d better go and collect Princess Princess before she tells the sheep people how she single-handedly saved their world.’
‘She wouldn’t!’ exclaimed Boo.
‘Huh,’ said Yesterday. She set off towards the cottage, Squeak riding on her shoulder.
Boo felt his tail begin to wag. Life was very, very good!
22
Orges, Ghhhhhhouls and Tttttttrolllllllllllllls
‘Doom! Doom! There will be flood and fire and great waves and horrible er, thingummies, the ones with six eyes and dagger-sharp toenails, I’ll remember their name in a minute, and, you, Whatshisname, the werewolf puppy, if you don’t stop whispering in the back there I’ll send a plague of grasshoppers down your underpants …’
The giant chicken flapped her wings indignantly at Boo as he stood on his hind legs, his front paws resting on the Finding lab bench. A few grey feathers fluttered down onto the Finding-room floor.
‘My name’s Boo,’ said Boo. He must have reminded the school Finder six times already today what his name was. ‘I was just explaining to Squeak what you said about Finding … and wolves don’t wear underpants.’
Miss Cassandra glared down her beak at him. ‘Into your fur then. I have no objection to a mouse in my class, Whatshisname. But if it wants to ask a question it can ask me like everybody else.’
‘Squeak?’ asked Squeak, peering out of the red silk pouch that dangled from Boo’s collar.
‘Ah.’ Miss Cassandra looked around the Finding room. ‘Does anyone here speak Mouse?’
Yesterday put her hand up. ‘Me, Miss. Squeak says he’s got a problem.’
‘Well? What is it?’ clucked Miss Cassandra flapping her wings impatiently and sending another flurry of tiny feathers around the lab. ‘Hurry up, Whoseamacallit. We have a lot of doom to cover this morning.’
‘It’s the computers. He wants to know if there are special mice for mice. He doesn’t think he can push the normal ones.’
‘Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!’ said Miss Cassandra crossly. ‘If Thingamajig had been listening,’ she said, ‘instead of squeaking to Whatshisname down the back there, he’d have heard me say that Finding isn’t reliable unless it’s done properly. When you have more experience you will discover which way of Finding bogeys works best for you. Some Heroes use a radar system called Bogeydar, linked by satellite receiver to a laptop. But as you five know all too well, Bogeydar can give a false reading if bogeys are lurking just out of range.’
Boo wagged his tail politely. He was beginning to wonder, though, if the Finder hadn’t simply made a mistake when she’d sent them to face the Giant Rabbits. She was the most forgetful teacher he’d ever come across. But surely, he thought, the school wouldn’t keep Miss Cassandra as a Finder if she made mistakes like that. And in any case he was glad she had!
It turned out they weren’t to be Level 2s, after all. Dr Mussells and the Teachers’ Council considered the matter, and decided that as the four of them had faced not just three bunnies, but a whole horde of Giant Rabbits, they should be made Level 3s immediately.
‘It would have been Level 4,’ said Dr Mussells, showing his matchless teeth and passing them each a banana as he swung slowly from the top of the whiteboard in his office. ‘But we felt that none of you had enough experience for a Level 4. But it was an excellent effort. A good deed indeed, in fact! Get it? He-he-he.’
Dr Mussells hadn’t mentioned Squeak. Boo wondered if Squeak was a Hero Level 3, too. Dr Mussells had never actually said Squeak was officially a student at the School for Heroes. But then he hadn’t said he wasn’t, either.
Squeak seemed happy anyway, in his little pouch dangling from Boo’s collar. Boo brought him a few crumbs of cheese every morning too. But Squeak still hopped out and went back into the wormhole each afternoon. It seemed the wormhole was his home.
Boo found the School for Hero
es easier now. Level 3s had privileges. To begin with, the five could choose which classes they went to (except for Squeak, who basically had to go where Boo went). There wasn’t much writing, either, so there was no trouble holding a pen with his teeth.
They didn’t even have to go to classes at all, if they didn’t want to. But most Level 3s went to as many as they could: after all, that was why they were there, to learn all they could about Heroing. And most of the Level 3 classes were small, like this one, with only the five of them in it.
There were other differences too, now that Boo was in wolf form. No more clumsiness in Wham! Bam! Pow! — his paws weren’t much good for the traditional blows, but his fangs and werewolf jaw were excellent for grabbing and holding on tight. He mightn’t be much good at recognising what bogeys looked like, either, but he never forgot a smell. (It turned out that the school had a smellevision set that showed bogey DVDs just so that Heroes with more nose-talent than eyesight could learn what each bogey smelt like.)
But mostly it was different just being in a group. Somehow he and Mug and Yesterday (and Squeak) were a gang now. They’d been friendly before, but these days they did almost everything together.
To Boo’s surprise Princess Princess hung around with them sometimes too. She still had her group of admirers — even more now that she was a Level 3. But most times she chose the same classes that Boo, Mug and Yesterday did.
Boo sometimes wondered if Princess Princess was worried that they might change their minds and tell Dr Mussells what had really happened the day of their Hero test. (Of course, it wasn’t Princess’s fault she got a bad blister, he added hurriedly to himself.)
Maybe she’d decided she liked him, he thought hopefully, even in werewolf — well, puppy — form. Or maybe she just wanted to hang around with the Heroes who’d vanquished the Rabbits.
Because somehow the entire school knew that there had been a whole horde of Giant bunnies. Not only that, but word had seeped through the universes that all Rabbits, not just the ones Yesterday had spoken to, were turning into vegetarians.
On every world in the universes — well, every one that had Rabbits — they were changing from ferocious, fanged predators to fluffy bunnies, only interested in grass and the occasional carrot or lettuce leaf … and other Rabbits, of course. One of the Greedle’s most faithful flesh-guzzling bogeys had been changed into a sort of cuddly toy that hopped — and all because of them.
Even some of the ancient Heroes stopped to say hello to Boo now. And no one had ‘accidentally’ thrown a spear at him for weeks.
‘Are you listening to me, Whatshisname?’ clucked Miss Cassandra.
Boo jumped guiltily and pricked up his ears. ‘Yes, Miss Cassandra.’
‘As I was saying then, if your mouse doesn’t want to use a mouse then he can use a crystal ball.’ Miss Cassandra flapped her wing at the crystal balls on each desk next to the laptops. ‘He can read a crystal ball, can’t he?’
‘Squeak,’ agreed the mouse.
‘I’m taking that as a yes,’ said Miss Cassandra, before Yesterday could translate.
Boo put up his paw. ‘But how do they work?’
‘Cluck cluck cluck!’ Miss Cassandra was growing impatient. ‘If you want to know the science behind crystal balls, just go to the library. I think it’s hiding behind the girls’ toilet. You’ll find the book you want in the science section, unless it’s still off on its “Bold Brave Book” course. But better take a bucket of sand with you — some of those science books can be explosive. Now, what was I saying before I was so stupidly interrupted?’
‘How to Find bogeys, Miss Cassandra.’ Princess Princess sounded bored. She’d been staring out the window at the sparks rising from the volcano all morning. Boo supposed Princess Princess knew all this already. It must be great, he thought, to have Hero relatives who could help you with your homework.
‘Of course. Thank you, Princess, er, Thingummy. Well, many Heroes’ special skills help them locate evil all in their own special way. Dr Mussells, for example, uses a banana.’
Yesterday put up her hand. ‘How?’
‘I believe there’s something about the taste when evil is nearby. I like to consult octopus guts. It’s old fashioned, I admit, but as I’ll now demonstrate, octopus guts can be very reliable.’
Boo drooled on the Finding-lab bench as Miss Cassandra emptied out a Thermos of ripe-smelling octopus guts. It had been a long time since breakfast. His tail began to wag against the bench …
Princess Princess nudged him. ‘Hey, woof-woof, put your tongue back in your mouth. You’re making a puddle.’
‘Sorry,’ whispered Boo. He shut his mouth again.
‘Ah, yes,’ said Miss Cassandra, thoughtfully.
Yesterday leant forward. ‘What do you see?’
‘An Orge on Bandicoot World 4. But he’s just digesting a meal of …’
‘Innocent peasants?’ suggested Princess Princess.
‘Clawk! Clawk! Clawk! Good suggestion! No, a carrot and cashew burger. The Greedle adores burgers, and the bandicoots make superb carrot and cashew ones. I’ve even had a few myself — wormholes are very useful for inter-universe takeaways. But Orges are the most useless bogeys in the universe — only really useful to send out for takeaways. They can pick up the burgers but they won’t try to slaughter the bandicoots. Although, as in this case, they tend to eat the meal you’ve sent them to fetch. No Hero duty needed.’
‘Shouldn’t that be Ogre?’ asked Yesterday politely.
Miss Cassandra shook her head. ‘Orges are notoriously bad spellers. Right,’ she continued, jumping up onto her vacuum cleaner (she’d explained that vacuum cleaners were much faster than broomsticks) and grasping the handle with her claws. ‘Tomorrow I’ll show you how to recognise Ghhhhhhouls and Tttttttrolllllllllllllls using a sack of marbles. In case you’re out of crystal balls.’
Boo put his paw up. ‘Are Ghhhhhhouls and Tttttttrolllllllllllllls bad spellers too?’
‘I think they just have a malfunction on their word processors.’ Miss Cassandra pressed the start button on her vacuum cleaner and Broom!ed out of the classroom. Boo sighed and grabbed the pen in his jaws to make a note in his homework diary.
‘How do you spell Tttttttrollllllllllllll?’ he asked.
‘Seven ts, r o and fourteen ls,’ said Yesterday helpfully.
Mug opened his eyes, then popped them back into his skull. ‘Me hungry,’ he said.
‘You’re always hungry,’ growled Boo, scratching an itch behind his ear.
‘Digestion not good when stomach decomposes,’ agreed Mug.
‘Yuck,’ said Princess Princess. She was wearing red today, embroidered with tiny emeralds. Boo had been feeling lately that Princess was really starting to like him. She was even sharing his lab bench! Maybe she’s realised how brave and daring a cute wolf puppy can be, he thought, scratching his other ear.
Princess Princess got off her stool and stepped quickly away. ‘I hope you don’t have fleas?’ she demanded.
Or maybe not, he thought. ‘Er, maybe.’ He’d stopped having (yurgh!) baths ever since they came back from fighting the Rabbits. There didn’t seem to be much point now he was in wolf shape all the time. Wolves were supposed to smell wolf-like! There was no Mum around to remind him any more, either. Mrs Bigpaws would never dare to suggest that a Hero — even an apprentice Hero — was getting whiffy, he thought a bit sadly. ‘You don’t have any flea powder, do you?’ he added.
‘No!’ said Princess Princess flatly. ‘I don’t have fleas, either. It’s amazing how often you don’t need flea powder when you don’t have fleas!’ She stamped out of the classroom.
Boo put his head on his paws. The School for Heroes Dance was next month. He’d been trying to get up enough courage to ask Princess Princess if she’d go to it with him. But it seemed that even being a Level 3 wasn’t enough to make up for being a were-puppy. And there were plenty of other Level 3s who’d love Princess to go to the dance with them, or that Level 4
Hero who could juggle battle-axes and Zoom! at the same time …
‘Never mind,’ said Yesterday sympathetically. ‘She does like you, you know.’
‘No, she doesn’t,’ said Boo, standing up and starting to trot after her and Mug out of the Finding lab.
‘She likes you as much as anyone else, anway. It’s just …’ Yesterday hesitated. ‘Well, it’s just the puppy thing,’ she finished.
‘But our Principal is a monkey! And there’s Mr Hogg too …’ said Boo, helplessly. ‘Half the Heroes on the mountain are animal shapes!’
‘I don’t think she’d go out with them either,’ said Yesterday. ‘Even if they were a hundred years younger. It’s a handsome heroic prince with only two legs or no one for Princess.’
‘Oh,’ said Boo glumly. He felt his tail droop.
‘Squeak,’ said Squeak. He sounded sympathetic too.
‘Lunch,’ rumbled Mug hopefully, as they made their way out of the cavern and onto the ledge by the volcano. ‘Hey, look out!’
‘Let me by, you old varmint!’
‘Old! I’ll show you old!’
Clang! Clash! Broom! Boo quickly stepped out of the way as a pair of ancient Heroes clattered past in their wheelchairs. The rim of the volcano was Rest in Pieces’s favourite race track. You could not only beat your opponent but try to push him and his wheelchair down into the volcano.
Today’s Heroes looked like humans, apart from the wriggling snakes they both wore for hair. One of them waved at Boo as the wheelchair thundered by. ‘Good bit of Hero work on those bunnies, wolf boy!’
‘Thank you, sir,’ said Boo politely.
The gang wandered down to the skinning pool. Princess Princess was sitting on a big black boulder with a whole mob of Level 4 hunks, Boo noticed gloomily. One of the hunks had only two legs, too, if you didn’t mind green scales and thought fire-breathing was cool.
Was the fire-breathing Level 4 a prince back in his own universe? Boo wondered. Had there ever been any werewolf princes? There were no princes at all in Werewolf World these days. Maybe if he did something incredibly heroic the Council of Werewolves might make him a prince …
Lessons for a Werewolf Warrior Page 14